Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex still using joint account, now its overdrawn

91 replies

ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 11:16

ExP broke up with me a few months ago now. Their choice, as much as I've tried to make it work, they're absolutely uninterested (gone NC, defaming me, lying, and the rest). It's been a few months now yet they're still using our joint account to buy items almost daily lunch, travel, dinner, etc seemingly intentional (e.g. will use other cards for dates / drinks).

I know they're having some financial issues which they kept quiet during our relationship (low wage, credit card debts, gambling, etc) and I've offered to help when I found out, still gave them some money for things after the breakup (stupid, I know, I'm still in love). ExP knows I would loan or give them however much they need, and preferrably I would to avoid accounts that I am financially liable for becoming in debt and damaging my credit history. I've made them aware in the past that we cannot let the account go into the unarranged overdraft; we've never needed to, not a sly boast but our lifestyle isn't really expensive and I have a decent job.

AIBU to find it unfair that the joint account has now gone into the unarranged overdraft, which has affected both of our credit ratings?

OP posts:
Hagbeth · 29/10/2019 17:21

Take the overdraft off the account!!

Original poster
ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 18:18

We’ve been trying to sort the mortgage situation out (not via each other however). We’re both putting in the right amount each month to cover the mortgage and bills, yet they’re still regularly spending it on small purchases, which is adding up and going into the unwarranted overdraft (we have a small overdraft as that works out better for a credit rating, if used responsibly).

I didn’t realise using gender neutral language would cause such a fuss. It’s habitual from my job, and equally it changes nothing if ExP is male, female, trans...

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 29/10/2019 18:32

OP, you will need to settle the overdraft before they will let you close the account - if you keep the account open, you are liable for what your ex does to that account.

It's not unfair, it's how joint accounts work and it's what you signed up for.

If you're going to keep the joint account, then more fool you.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2019 18:50

I didn’t realise using gender neutral language would cause such a fuss. It’s habitual from my job, and equally it changes nothing if ExP is male, female, trans...

Well now it looks deliberate Grin

It causes issues because getting divorced with children is almost always completely different for women than men. Women get poorer and are left vulnerable. And normally have greater caring responsibilities. And the women here may have experienced that.

Ilovemypantry · 29/10/2019 19:05

@Doggodogington
I wondered about this too...confused at first as I thought there was more than one XP 🙄

Original poster
ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 19:47

No not intentional, it’s habitual. We don’t have children though we had planned to be parents in time. Not that the gender matters in either way, but ExP will be financially fine; they’re rather fortunate and we have a tiny mortgage. They’re just not managing their personal finances correctly right now. I would hate to see them struggle but they’ve got a lovely family who are more than capable and willing to make sure they’re stable.

I’ve NC’d recently but taking gender away from any conversation is natural for me.

OP posts:
Hollyhobbi · 29/10/2019 21:10

If your ex partner isn't living in the house why are they paying bills from the joint account? It won't matter how small your mortgage is if you have to buy out your partner by remortgaging the house. And if the ex has a small income will they have enough to buy a house on their own?

Hollyhobbi · 29/10/2019 21:12

Also op if they have credit card debt and gambling problems they aren't capable of managing their finances. Them dipping into the joint account is proof of this.

Inebriati · 29/10/2019 21:23

IDK if you know this, but if you have a bank account you are supposed to be competent to run it.

Original poster
ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 21:41

@Hollyhobbi ex and I pay different amounts into the joint account which covers the mortgage and bills, my contribution is higher and the bills are almost negligible. We’ll be dividing contributions pro rata, inc bills and whatnot.

Ex has small income but large rounds of inheritance; they’ll be okay.

OP posts:
Hollyhobbi · 29/10/2019 22:02

But if they're an ex why are they paying your bills? Have they got an inheritance or are they expecting one? Big difference there as they might never receive any money as it could be left to the cat and dog home!

Original poster
ShamelessEx · 29/10/2019 22:25

To be clear, we do not pay 50:50 into the account. My contribution covers the mortgage and theirs covers the bills which is around £100. The inheritance situation is interesting and a bit more complicated than I can explain here. They’ve received a substantial amount and there is more guaranteed, however that’s irrelevant to any spending on the joint account.

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 29/10/2019 22:43

My contribution covers the mortgage and theirs covers the bills which is around £100
You have made a rod for your own back. You need to shut/freeze this account immediately. You can pay the mortgage direct. They can transfer the money for the bills to you directly.

If you keep a joint bank account open, you are also to blame for any problems.

Hollyhobbi · 29/10/2019 23:31

So you have a joint mortgage and your ex pays none of it? Get their name off the mortgage and house as obviously you can afford to pay it on your own. Baffled as to why you got a joint mortgage in the first place tbh.

VanGoghsDog · 29/10/2019 23:36

None of this makes any sense.

chipsandgin · 29/10/2019 23:45

Far too hard to read - ‘they’ is a plural pronoun (unless you are Gollum?).

I’m not sure what responses you’ll get on here, but I can guarantee they won’t be from anyone who is a fan of grammar.

Trebla · 29/10/2019 23:50

Going overdrawn doesn't affect your credit rating.

VanGoghsDog · 30/10/2019 10:24

**

Pedants' corner.

Beveren · 30/10/2019 10:34

didn’t realise using gender neutral language would cause such a fuss

But why use singular/plural neutral language?

Original poster
ShamelessEx · 30/10/2019 10:50

I'm not convinced it's entirely difficult to infer from context that "they" has been used in its singular form. Grammar fan or not, it's irrelevant.

I posted this thread as I'm not sure how lenient I'm expected to be.

Going in to an unarranged overdraft does impact on credit ratings. It also incurs more superfluous fees which somebody has to pay for.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 30/10/2019 10:58

I posted this thread as I'm not sure how lenient I'm expected to be.

Well, it's not normal to have a joint account with someone you've split up with.

Credit agencies will obviously still see you as financially linked if you haven't closed it. Because you are financially linked until you close the joint account.

You just have to go to the bank and explain the situation and they'll tell you what you need to do - it's a necessary step when you break up with a long-term partner.

It sounds to me like either the relationship is not completely over or that you haven't accepted that it's over. But whichever it is, you can't have a joint account and expect to be absolved of liability for how it's used by the other person.

Petrichor11 · 30/10/2019 11:19

If there’s no kids and you’re both able to cope financially separately then why on earth are you still both paying the mortgage and keeping a joint account? Surely whoever has remained in the house takes over the mortgage?

Keeping a joint account and financial ties to someone you know has debts and is bad with money is just stupid. Call the bank to find out what you need to do to get this mess sorted out and then deal with the financial side of things with your ex officially.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2019 12:55

I'm not convinced it's entirely difficult to infer from context that "they" has been used in its singular form. Grammar fan or not, it's irrelevant.

If you ignore the entire structure of society, I suppose. If you're a woman, prepare for a really nasty shock when/if you have children.

Just separate properly. Sell the home or agree for one to buy the other out. If it takes a while to sell, close the joint account, agree an amount to transfer and keep note of it for the final settlement of the equity. See a lawyer if any of this is challenging.

gamerchick · 30/10/2019 13:03

I'm never sure about this kind of thread. Sometimes it seems like the OP is deliberately using "they" to harvest some "he's terrible" type comments, only to then dramatically announce the terrible ex... was a woman!

Usually the case. Always dramatically as well Grin it's irritating and distracting and always ends up concentrating on why the use of odd language than what the actual issue is, with the OP flapping about saying how irrelevant it is.

OP get the account closed. Until you do that, you can't complain and won't you be liable for any costs?

It's 1+1

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2019 13:11

Usually the case. Always dramatically as well

Sometimes it's a same sex relationship. [charitable]

Swipe left for the next trending thread