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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how important the uni experience is and is this where you find your lifelong friends

82 replies

BeaBravo · 28/10/2019 16:02

DSis is getting very stressed because DNiece (yr13) is refusing to apply to uni. DN says she wants to get a job or do an apprenticeship. DSis didn't go to uni and worries that DN will miss out on "amazing experiences." Also, DN is a lovely, outgoing girl but doesn't really have any friends and DSis thinks she might meet her "tribe" there.

Any thought would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Witchend · 28/10/2019 16:05

Well, I met dh there!

It is an experience, but not be all and end all. She may just as easily meet her tribe at work, but without a huge amount of debt.

Benes · 28/10/2019 16:06

University isn't for everyone. It's also not something you have to do at 18.

Your niece should make an informed decision about what suits her best. I'd advise her to avoid just getting a job as something with training it apprenticeship is better.

Ummmmcake · 28/10/2019 16:07

University is not for everyone. If she is fed up with the whole "school" experience, I will just be a waste of money. You can make friends at work too.

plunkplunkfizz · 28/10/2019 16:07

I have a whole 1 friend from uni but a crowd of about 20 close friends from my first job (part time in a shop). We all do wildly different things but have more in common than the people I met at uni with whom I have lots in common with on paper and am still in the same industry as. It’s the luck of the draw: she could get to uni and meet a bunch of arseholes, or be in a very studious cohort with not much socialising, or any number of things. Getting a degree does not equal mates for life.

birdsdestiny · 28/10/2019 16:07

I met my tribe at a charity I volunteered for.

AthollPlace · 28/10/2019 16:08

I don’t have any friends from university. I hung out with people on my course but we all went our separate ways afterwards. A lot of them were international students who went home. Some people do make lifelong friends but it’s not guaranteed.

LoopyLu2019 · 28/10/2019 16:09

I went to uni, bit of fun but not an "experience" I couldn't live without. Partner did engineering degree apprenticeship, not academically challenging enough as a straight degree but much preferred having the money and working.

Honestly I would encourage them to apply to everything so come results day they can choose. And you can leave it that late as I deferred entry to uni to do a year in industry instead (which could be a viable compromise to give a year of experience before committing to a 4+ year apprenticeship or 3+ year degree)

Batqueen · 28/10/2019 16:10

What about a degree apprenticeship? She can get the best of both - studying whilst working, meeting other people and without being saddled with loads of debt. Something to look into?

Chocolatelover45 · 28/10/2019 16:10

She can make friends anywhere - she should be thinking about what she wants from life in terms of education /career. If she isn't interested in further study, there's no point going to uni just to make friends.

DrDreReturns · 28/10/2019 16:10

Can't say I'm in contact with anyone from my university days, but perhaps that's just me Grin I've got way more friends from school and my career. One of my best friends didn't go and it hasn't negatively affected his life.

Original poster
BeaBravo · 28/10/2019 16:11

She enjoys school and does well academically. She never sees any friends outside of school. She does quite a bit of sport but apart from that is happy hanging around at home (or my house) watching YouTube, Netflix, doing Pilates or art projects.

OP posts:
Marinetta · 28/10/2019 16:13

I'm not sure what amazing experiences your sister is referring to. I had a really negative experience at uni so maybe I'm not the best person to talk about amazing uni experience but as far as I could see the university experience consisted of joining a sports club and going and and getting drunk multiple times a week. Your niece can still do both of those things even if she chooses not to go to uni.

A large part of going to university is living away from home and becoming independant. I'm guessing that on an apprentice wage your niece won't be able to afford to move out but your sister can still encourage that indepedence by charging her a bit of rent or a contribution to the bills so she learns how to manage her money and she can encourage your niece to be indepedant by doing her own cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking etc.

With regards to long term friendships I think it depends on who you meet. Throughout my 3 years at uni I only met 2 people who I considered to be proper friends and we stayed in contact for about 2 years but haven't had any contact for a long time now and to be honest I don't really miss them. I personally have much closer relationships with the group of friends that I went to 6th form with. I really don't think that by missing out on uni your niece will be left without strong friendships, there are plenty of opportunities to make friends through work and hobbies too.

BeatriceTheBeast · 28/10/2019 16:13

I also met DH at university. My best friend I met as a teenager, before university, but I do still have close friends from university.

But tbh, none of that matters if your DNiece doesn't want to go. It's her life! I personally wouldn't push it if I was your DSis.

One reason not to push it is you can only usually have one student loan at undergrad level. So if she goes and does English Lit now and then realises she wants to be an engineer, she can't go back and do another degree. How annoying if your mum had pushed you to go when you didn't really want to and then, because of that, when you really do want to go, you can't afford it.

mencken · 28/10/2019 16:14

nope, didn't meet my tribe there and am now in touch with precisely one person I met at uni. Amazing experiences can be had in many other places, you go to uni to get a degree.

if it isn't for her then fine. She'll meet friends via her interests, many teen girls only want to wear makeup, shop for clothes and get drunk and so are quite boring. Good for her in not being one of those.

SMiles14 · 28/10/2019 16:14

I went to university and whilst I loved it I could have got the job I am in now without the debt by working my way up. Degrees are so common nowadays they don't have the clout they used to. There is certainly a good argument for just getting into the workforce, but it does probably depend on what field she wants to go into and whether degrees are required for the sort of jobs she would go for in the future... It would be good to have a look at adverts to see if it is usually specified.

I definitely wouldn't base the decision on whether she will make more friends there or not. I made lots of friends whilst at uni but have kept in touch with 2, and rarely see them. Everyone disperses afterwards and starts their own lives so its hard to stay in touch. My husband on the other hand worked all his life and has a solid group of friends he met through work, in the town we live in, so still sees them all the time. And he doesn't have a £25,000 (and growing) debt to his name....

Alarae · 28/10/2019 16:15

Eh. I didn't get much out of university in a social respect, my friends all came from my part-time jobs (which Ironically I spent more time doing than my actual uni course!)

Difference is that I was not a partier, so while I went out initially for freshers and a few times after it wasn't me so didn't really go.

If I had the choice I would go for a school leaver scheme and get straight into work. I envy the school leaver/graduate cohorts in my firm as they build good friendships.

Camomila · 28/10/2019 16:17

I met my 2 of my best mates (one is DSs Godmother) and DH at uni.
DH also has a close bunch of uni friends, they used to meet regularly for dinner/drinks after work and now as the DC have started arriving we meet for occasional Sunday lunches.

DBro's best mates are his secondary school friends.

Another friend didn't go to uni at 18 and had lots of church friends.

My school friend had her DD halfway through uni and didn't really keep in touch with people.

I guess what I'm saying is that uni is different for everyone and there are lots of non uni ways to make friends.

SurpriseSparDay · 28/10/2019 16:18

I’m sure it entirely depends on luck - whether you happen to land in a year full of like minded people, or not. I certainly can’t say I found my tribe doing my first degree.

I wonder if traditionally university graduates have been the most vocal about the ‘amazing’ time we had. Perhaps people doing apprenticeships or going straight into jobs have had comparably life enhancing experiences.

And perhaps any organised period of semi-independent work/study away from home will have the same formative effect as university.

I can understand her mother’s frustration at the overturning of her long-held aspiration for her daughter - but it’s unlikely to be the end of the world.

Hedgehogblues · 28/10/2019 16:19

Yeah, because everyone who doesn't go to uni has a mediocre life and no friends Hmm

user1497207191 · 28/10/2019 16:20

There is certainly a good argument for just getting into the workforce, but it does probably depend on what field she wants to go into and whether degrees are required for the sort of jobs she would go for in the future

Yes, but lots of people change career so having a degree will open doors in future years if her first career choice goes sour and alternative careers require a degree. Far better to do a degree at 18, rather than try to do one in your 30's/40's alongside work/children/marriage etc.

edwinbear · 28/10/2019 16:21

I spent most of uni working behind a bar, didn't live in halls, had zero social life, friends or experiences. I came out with a good degree which has served me well but it certainly didn't set me up for a life with a bunch of mates. I can't actually remember the names of the people I flat shared with.

Figmentofmyimagination · 28/10/2019 16:22

It’s not always what you expect nowadays. My DC is in her first year and lots of students seem to go home at the weekend. Not the university experience I remember! Early days though.

sonjadog · 28/10/2019 16:23

Well, I did make friends at university and am still in touch with them 20 years later. But I also made plenty of friends after university. It wasn't the high point in otherwise barren and friendless life.

Lastbustowhitehawk · 28/10/2019 16:23

I think the "uni experience" is partly luck of the draw and partly what you make of it. I went and have kept in touch with three people from four years spent, if I'm honest, spending my student loan in pubs, scraping by on the bare minimum work to pass my course and being a smug twat because I thought I was sooo cultured being at university Hmm

Several years on I have a decent job that is nothing to do with my degree, that said I do think my CV stood more of a chance simply by having a degree on it. I suppose it depends what field your DN wants to go into for whether that is a factor to consider, the fact that you mention apprenticeships suggests perhaps not?

My cousin did an apprenticeship in engineering and the company ended up sponsoring her degree and she now has a fantastic career so I don't think this is something your DSis should be discouraging. It sounds like she might be pushing her daughter down the path she wished she had. If that's the case she needs to gently step back and let DN decide what is the best route for her. Also a PP made a good point that she doesn't need to decide right now, she can always go back to studies later on.

FWIW I think the "tribe" thing is overrated, your DN will find where she is meant to be and that might be with a small group or otherwise. Good luck to her!

Lastbustowhitehawk · 28/10/2019 16:24

Emoji fail, my gin bottle was supposed to be a raised eyebrow face but I suppose that one works too!

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