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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how important the uni experience is and is this where you find your lifelong friends

82 replies

BeaBravo · 28/10/2019 16:02

DSis is getting very stressed because DNiece (yr13) is refusing to apply to uni. DN says she wants to get a job or do an apprenticeship. DSis didn't go to uni and worries that DN will miss out on "amazing experiences." Also, DN is a lovely, outgoing girl but doesn't really have any friends and DSis thinks she might meet her "tribe" there.

Any thought would be appreciated.

OP posts:
ShipShapeandBristolFashion · 28/10/2019 17:01

I haven’t stayed in touch with any friends from Uni, but I did meet my DH there. We all know Uni has got incredibly expensive - I took out a maximum loan each year for 4 years and came out with £17k debt in 2006 vs the £40k - 50k students would face today. But I’m also not convinced Uni is as fun as it was. I think because of the huge cost of it, and with the graduate job market being beyond saturated, students take it much more seriously now. I would personally advise a young person today to do a ski season abroad to get a similar experience and then get a job and skip Uni, if they aren’t terribly academic.

Original poster
BeaBravo · 28/10/2019 17:10

DN is academic and hardworking, she's not sure what she wants to do, just wants to start working and earn some money. She was an au pair for six weeks over the summer in France (her French is v good) and loved it. I've no doubt she'll have an interesting life - thank you to those who've wished her well Smile

OP posts:
ExpletiveDEVILighted · 28/10/2019 17:10

I had a fairly active social life at uni, but it was all a bit forced and in many ways not great. I needed a degree for the career I went into and still would but I wouldn't do it again for the actual experience. I have minimal contact with anyone from uni, one on FB, one I call about once every 2 years, a couple send occasional Christmas cards, none of the friendships really lasted for more than a couple of years after graduating.

It has turned out my 6th form friends are my friends for life, we kept in touch through uni and are still a close bunch of about 15 friends (now including partners) 30 years later.

SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated · 28/10/2019 17:12

@BeaBravo have her look at higher apprenticeships. I think she might like that option

BeanBag7 · 28/10/2019 17:17

I'm 28 and dont see anyone from my uni days. My friends are from school, work and "mum friends". I have one friend from my teacher training course who I still see, technically uni friend but we never lived together etc.
I don't know many people who are still best mates with those they went to uni with - after graduation everyone tends to go their own way or moves back home anyway.

LucileDuplessis · 28/10/2019 17:22

I would still recommend university to an academic young person, as lots of the more academic type of jobs are advertised for graduates only. That would bother me (as a parent) more than the social side of things. (I'm still in touch with my uni friends but rarely see them as we're scattered all over the place.)

But maybe she will realise this herself, when she starts looking for jobs and finds that some avenues are closed to her, in which case she could apply a year later as others have said. Or maybe she'll find a job where she doesn't need a degree. Either way, tell your sister not to panic!

Itsallpetetong · 28/10/2019 17:26

Can't say I'm in contact with anyone from my university days, but perhaps that's just me

You are not alone DrDre

littlepeas · 28/10/2019 17:38

Just to counter all the ‘I met my dh at uni’ posts - I wouldn’t have met my dh if I’d gone straight to uni after A Levels! I wanted a break from studying, so had 2 years out and worked (got some decent experience that helped me when it came to getting a job as a graduate) - I met my dh on a night out during that time. I met my closest friends after I had my dc and during some training that I did years after I finished my degree (yoga teaching) - I don’t see anyone from uni at all, completely lost touch with everyone.

queenofmycastlex · 28/10/2019 17:38

I went to uni but 90% of The friends I had I didn’t meet through uni but through my part time job or friends of friends!

I had a group of uni but we’ve all lost touch now however I’m still friends with the girls from my part time job. So I don’t think I would have missed out not going to uni!

Actually I also met my husband through friends I had through my part time job!

Original poster
BeaBravo · 28/10/2019 18:01

I think DSis is feeling some form of peer pressure in that many of her friends' kids have been or are going to uni. DSis acts like she will miss out on some rite of passage if she doesn't get to accompany DN to open days, the Ikea shopping trip and the graduation photo in cap and gown Smile

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 28/10/2019 18:03

If she doesn't want to go, she shouldn't. She might change her mind in the next few years, in which case she'll have a much better time and make much more of it than if she goes reluctantly now. It's really not a good thing to do if you don't want to, not least because of how much it costs.

ThatMuppetShow · 28/10/2019 18:08

Students need to keep up attendance, study outside of teaching hours, pass dozens of assessment, work in at least one part time job, often look after themselves for the first time, get experience in their chosen field and then graduate tens of thousands of pounds in debt.

what a very grim way to see things, you can still have a blast. Of course studying and exams are part of it, but that's part of the appeal of Uni surely?

work in at least one part time job it's hardly stressfull!

often look after themselves for the first time in other words.. freedom!Grin

I have nieces and nephews at Uni now, they are having just as much a good time as I had.

Hairsprayqueeen · 28/10/2019 18:11

Tribe thing definitely overrated. I didnt find mine there and none of the people I was close with at uni really spend any time together. I dont live anywhere near any of them and only one of them invited me to their wedding (just me, out of our group of friends as I'm the only one who kept in touch) . I mesg some of them now and then, they dont really message each other..
None of us use our degrees. None of us ever have, I'm talking about a group of ten or so people here who house shared and spend their uni time as a friendship group. I dont know if things are any different due t changes in times, but I doubt it to be honest. If anything, I think probably even worse.

Hairsprayqueeen · 28/10/2019 18:12

I will also add, it isnt for everyone
I didnt have a particularly good time at uni. I dont rate my time there. And I adored college and moved out very young, before uni so it isn as if I just wasnt ready or homesick or such

flabagoose · 28/10/2019 18:12

I dont speak to anyone i met at uni really, my tribe was found in the clubs i joined when i moved to a different city after graduating.

WorldEndingFire · 28/10/2019 18:28

Depends very much on your niece. It can be life-changing or it can be a waste of time, it depends on her drive and what she wants to achieve. She could consider making a deferred application so she has some real world experience before making her choice.

Thatsenoughjuststopit · 28/10/2019 18:38

I think there are plenty different ways to get a good degree level education these days so much so that following the GCSE, ALevel, Degree/uni route isn't necessary.

So unless she is wanting to be in a medical profession or other such profession where there is no other alternative way then to be honest any which way should do just as good as the next.

The good friends and amazing times isn't unique to the uni setting. Personally I hated it and wished id gone down the work based route but back then it was the norm but now there are alternatives.

Good on her, and I'm sure she'll find her way and have fun.

ginyogarepeat · 28/10/2019 18:45

From someone who has worked in a university for a long time: young adults should never be pressurised into going. I see too many who go because the got the grades, didn't want to but had family pressuring them. It ends up a mental health disaster.

Honestly, it's much better that she chooses her own path. If she later changes her mind, it's never too late to go at a future point!

Ohhgreat · 28/10/2019 18:45

I went to uni (before the fees were £9k a year!) and I've kept in touch with precisely one person! Apprenticeships are awesome - you can get a degree with no debt!

jay55 · 28/10/2019 18:55

No point in spending out on uni if she's not sure what she wants to do. I wish someone had told me in my late teens/early twenties that there isn't a rush. Uni can wait a year or twenty.

Original poster
BeaBravo · 28/10/2019 19:59

Just had a chat with DN - she's interested in a degree apprenticeship offered by our local uni apparently. She's happy to study but wants to be working and earning so maybe this is the way to go.

OP posts:
SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated · 28/10/2019 20:21

Yup. You can even become solicitor through apprenticeship instead of 4 days at uni. I think these high apprenticeships are really great thing.

SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated · 28/10/2019 20:21

4 days a week at uni. Not 4 daysBlush

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 28/10/2019 20:26

Also only in touch with one person from Uni. I had some amazing times and some truly horrible times at uni. I would like my cjildren to go but if they have an alternative plan then I'd be fine with that too.

Redcliff · 28/10/2019 20:33

In one of my roles I dealt with lots of apprenticeships programs and lots of people on them had bonded and made friends they house shared with ect. I don't think uni is the only way to go.