To ask how important the uni experience is and is this where you find your lifelong friends

[BeaBravo]

DSis is getting very stressed because DNiece (yr13) is refusing to apply to uni. DN says she wants to get a job or do an apprenticeship. DSis didn't go to uni and worries that DN will miss out on "amazing experiences." Also, DN is a lovely, outgoing girl but doesn't really have any friends and DSis thinks she might meet her "tribe" there.

Any thought would be appreciated.

She really doesn’t need to go to university for an “experience”—there are plenty of ways to make friends and gain independence without uni. If she really doesn’t want to go then she shouldn’t be forced to. It’s a huge commitment and potentially very expensive. I am attending uni for the first time now at 30 years old. I wasn’t able to go straight from school for a variety of reasons. I did a few different jobs instead and got an apprenticeship and it was brilliant. I travelled abroad to work too and met so many different people and got some great life experiences. Honestly—university is not the be all and end all some people make it out to be. And it’s really not compulsory. The only reason I’m attending now is because I want to change direction.

If she doesn't want to go, no one can make her go. A few years of work might change her mind anyway.

I went to university and did a 6 year degree. I've stayed in touch with 2 people, one of whom is one of my closest friends. I enjoyed my first year and my final two when things with friendships and student houses settled down but honestly those middle three years were the worst years of my life. I was so low about where I had to live and the people I had to live with were nice enough but not a substitute for my family. I had to go to uni to do the profession I'm in and it was totally worth it but if I wasn't so set on a particular career, I wouldn't have stayed for those years.

It's a very personal choice that isn't so black and white as people often think. I do however believe some very frank discussions about the opportunities it can sometimes open and how it's much harder to go back and do it once you have a family etc are worthwhile.

Best of luck to her, whatever she decides :)

People are all different, their lives are all different, nobody gets to replicate somebody else's wonderful life. Put of my 3 siblings and me, 3 went to uni, 1 dropped out after 1st semester & started his own business, 1 went straight into work. We all have friends and interests and good experiences to look back on.

My Dsis didn't want to go to uni and didn't know what she wanted to do. So, she moved to a new city, lived in a house share and worked in a bar. 3 years on she now knows exactly what she wants to do and is pursuing an open university degree, only she is doing it in a city she is firmly established in with the knowledge of how to budget and live as an adult. Much better experience than mine (traditional straight to uni route)! Encourage your DN to sensibly consider alternative options and remind her that uni is often a more seamless and supported option, but not always the best one.

Thanks for all your replies.

DSis was quite the party girl (opposite to me) and she worries that DN doesn't have friends from school or sport. I regularly give DN a lift to training and she's always warmly greeted by her team mates. She just doesn't get or receive any invites to parties, sleepovers or shopping trips. If it bothered DN, I could understand DSis being worried, but DN is chilled and seems happy in her own skin.

I still have close friends from university, yes. But I also have close friends from other times in my life. I think the key to developing strong friendships is a combination of time spent together and doing things together - that can be work, school, uni, charity, sport etc.

I also suspect that the reason uni often builds strong friendships is that you have the above, but you are also gaining those friendships during time when you are learning to be an adult and independent. It's a time of change and the change is happening simultaneously to the people you are friends with too. Emotions are also very roller coaster so there are lots of opportunities for being there for each other, dissecting things etc. So that would happen whether or not you were at uni.

DH for example does have good friends from uni but actually the bulk of his best friends are from a time when he was travelling for work in his early 20s. It was a very hardcore time, very little safety nets for any of them and a very intense period. As a result, they all bonded to a level that has stood the test of time.

I dropped out of university because I didn't enjoy my course and at the time I didn't have a huge number of friends (old school friends also at university but elsewhere, and this was before social media/mobile phones so we lost contact).

I've not only worked my way up into degree calibre jobs but I've had plenty of 'experiences' without going to university to do them. I've also found my 'tribe' through the hobbies I have.

I don't think university is a magic passport!

I've been to uni twice and other than the occasional like on Facebook I'm not friends with anyone I met there apart from my DP who I actually met on placement.

I actually cant thinking anyone I know who has "lifelong" friends that aren't family members or partners. I'm not saying that people dont have life long friends but I imagine it's more common for people to come in and out of your life, it's a long time after all and the 3 years at uni is probably less than 5% of it.

I would never recommend anyone goes to uni who isn't ready and actually wants to do it. It's a lot of debt to get into if it isn't the right thing. I didnt qualify as a nurse until I was 28 and there were many older than me.

I made a mistake at 18 and did a degree that lead to nothing.

I then did another degree at 26.

I think it entirely depends on career choice.

University isnt the be all and end all,
especially not these days when everyone seems to have a degree in something.

uni was one of the best times of my life, but so was travelling!

I think being young, completely carefree and having pretty much unlimited opportunities is always going to be the time of your life.

Some students are completely stressing out and completely missing the point, so it's not for everybody in that respect.

As long as a young adult does something constructive, it should be up to them. Not everyone has the same financial back up to start with, not everyone manage their finance the same way either.

I met DH there but I'm not in touch with anyone else from uni. It can be a difficult place for introverts or shy/quiet types in my experience.

Well I went to uni but still lived at home.

Your niece is just as likely to make friends at work or college as she is to make them at uni.

I had an absolutely amazing time at university, from start to finish. I still have friends from those days. I quite literally wouldn't be the same person if I'd not had that experience. I also wouldn't have been able to do the job I do if I didn't have my degree.

I never went to university.

I lived a pretty "student-y" lifestyle in my late teens and early 20s though. I moved out, lived in a shared house, worked in a pub so it was a non stop party, and was always skint and lived off pasta and anything I could steal from the kitchen at work.

I met my friends through work and school. I'm extrovert and very social, I have three different "groups" that I spend time with socially.

The uni tribe is great, but most of us are miles away from each other now. My current tribes are a theatre group, church and a volunteer activity I do.

I got bugger all out of uni to be honest socially. Not in touch with anyone from my BA course and only in touch with person from my MA. And I was one of the most popular and socially active on my course. I threw myself into everything whilst at uni. It was nice but not all that special or important in the grander scheme of things.

I wouldn't be encouraging a young person with no real idea of what they want to study/be career wise to saddle themselves with student debts.

Many of my friends who went to university as mature students with a clear goal career wise have been more successful than the ones who wandered into university at 18 because they thought it was the done thing to do.

think being young, completely carefree and having pretty much unlimited opportunities is always going to be the time of your life.
Some students are completely stressing out and completely missing the point, so it's not for everybody in that respect.

When did you go to uni? Because I imagine the prospect of tens of thousands of pounds in debt and a.strugglong graduate job market somewhat dampens the carefree aspect of uni. Students are stressing because the stakes and pressure to do well are higher than ever.

I have no regrets either about not going to uni. I have no debt and the office job I'm in now doesn't require a degree but I have the potential to work up to a managerial role. I don't want to do that until DS is older though.

If she doesn't want to do a degree it'd be pretty daft to go to uni just to make friends. Doesn't sound like she's the partying type anyway, sounds like your DSis is projecting a bit.

The point of university is education and bettering one's prospects.

If you want to live carefree, it's travelling or a gap year you need.

Students need to keep up attendance, study outside of teaching hours, pass dozens of assessment, work in at least one part time job, often look after themselves for the first time, get experience in their chosen field and then graduate tens of thousands of pounds in debt. It hasn't been a carefree time for decades!

You can get a student loan for 1 more year than it takes to do a degree. So if you drop out in, say, year two of a degree, and then years later decide that you really want to do that degree, you'll find out that, since you've already used up 2 years loan, one of the years of your new uni course will have no loan available = you'll have to fund both living costs and fees.

So she'd be silly to go to uni if she doesn't want to.

I'm at uni atm - not to go into too much detail but Russell Group and v prestigious degree. I love it, I'm having a good time and wouldn't trade it for the world. BUT one of my best friends here is having an awful time, and is wishing she'd done something different. Also a high achiever.

University is great for some people, completely wrong for others. Did you know you can do apprenticeships to become solicitors/barristers these days? and likewise for other high-wage prestigious jobs? Imo she can do pretty much anything she wants and be successful in it if she goes along the right route, which definitely doesn't have to be uni.

The point of university is education and bettering one's prospects. If you want to live carefree, it's travelling or a gap year you need.

Plenty of people manage to better their prospects while having a lovely, carefree time at university. I certainly did. It's expensive, but so is travelling.

There are plenty of apprenticeships at a uni level. If she is doing really well academically, she could get into one.
IMHO going to uni when you don't want to, but you "just simply must have that experience" is a waste of money, time and talent.

Everybody's different I suppose, but going to University and gaining a degree is no longer the passport to employment it used to be.

I would advise any young person to skip Uni (and the massive debts incurred), altogether and concentrate on an apprenticeship/trade or career that offers on-the-job training.