My BF won't STFU about WWII and today I had a huge meltdown at him.
questionzzz · 28/10/2019 00:44
BF of one year is a teacher, no kids of his own, and very sweet and lovely. I know ppl always say that but he really is. Very gentle, animal lover, vegetarian etc.
Also a huge history nerd (in his own words), espcially WWII and the American Civil War. Now generally I don't mind that- I did A-level in History and have a fairly solid grasp of the historical outline, I think, although I have specialized in another field of social science.
He usually does go on a bit about the historical documentaries he has watched or books he has read, kinda does go on and on a bit. Again, I generally don't mind that. I have two kids, and I actually appreciate dating someone who does most of the conversational "heavy lifting".
The last couple of weeks however I felt the WWII stuff was reaching a particular intensity. I can't quite describe it. Like he literally wouldn't shut up about it, except during actual sex. I started dropping hints, eg a few nights ago on the phone, he was at it again and I said ok I feel sleepy now and gotta go, listening to you go on about WWII is a sleeping pill hahaha making ajoke of it, but I did end the conversation. I've also mentioned that you know there are other atrocities and terrible things, human beings are pretty good at doing appalling things to each other, have you heard of Rwnad, the Khmer Rouge, Kosovo etc, and he would say something like, yes but in terms of sheer numbers, the Germans blah blah blah blah.
Anyway today we only had three hours to spend together. Our time naturally limited due to the fact I have kids and am a lone parent. We were also planning on doing something else after intimacy. So we're dressed and ready to start the other thing, and he gets on about WWII. I glance at the clock.
Now I really don't know why i didn't say look, stop talking about WWII, we said we would do this other thing, can we do it please (it's cringey, just an art project we're suppsed to be working on- which was his idea by the way and he bought all the supplies etc for). I just listened, thinking he's gonna stop soon. Surely he can't go on.
, It's not just the length of time, as I listen to him babble on, I feel he has this creepy insidious admiration for the Germans? Like he's talking about this amazing war? And he wants me to admit that this was the most significant and incredible event in modern history? he didn't say it in so many words, like he didn't actually directly say "and weren't the Nazis incredible", but I almost felt that where he's heading?
About 20 minutes I did say a few times can we please stop talking about this, and my voice was getting a bit emotional and upset, but he seemed to be stuck in his head, and didn;t seem to hear me.
At the 45 minute mark I got up started putting on my outdoor clothes to leave while having a completely insanely angry meltdown. I can't remember quite what I said but certainly Fuck off, don't touch me, i can' stand you, what are you trying to accomplish, are you trying to get me to admire the Germans and WWII - what is your fucking problem, all in there.
He was completely horrified and shocked. He says he has no idea I was becoming agitated and upset. Certainly no admiration for nazis. WWII was appalling. He asks me what else is going on. I have my fair share of life's stressors, but this is the first time I've had a reaction like this to him, just sheer insane anger. I tell him it's you,, I;m angry at you, don;t try to blame other things, you weren't istening to me.
He acknowledges he wasn't listening to me. Eventually we make up.
WIBU to be so angry? Actually I had a vision of hitting him while I was angry, police officers arresting me and asking me why I was violent, and me saying because he wouldn't stop talking about WWII.
How crazy is that?
RantyAnty · 28/10/2019 07:55
You handled it perfectly. You tried multiple times to tell me but he just kept droning on with his self-important monologue. Men like this need to be told to stfu as directness is the only thing they'll understand and even then...
I hope he doesn't do this to his students.
He sounds incredibly boring; sex and WWII lectures.
CoraPirbright · 28/10/2019 08:01
He may be on the autistic spectrum....he may have been brought up to believe that those close to him are there to listen to his lectures.....either way, he sounds as boring as arse.
I totally get whilst you exploded. You try to be nice and kind and just mildly put your point of view but people like this just don't listen and selfishly drone on until you are at breaking point. Don't apologise! You have nothing to apologise for!
PulpPixie · 28/10/2019 08:03
I’d put my house on him being on the spectrum. I have a son with autism and he’s like this. Try to be more understanding.
When people are kids and have autism, they get a lot of understanding and patience but it seems that when they are adults, they are suddenly annoying and to be avoided. Some of the replies on here demonstrate that. Yes, I know he isn’t diagnosed but he should look into it. I’m certain he has it
VividImagination · 28/10/2019 08:11
I agree with those saying aspergers. Dh, undiagnosed, is similar. He doesn’t have a specialist subject but when he’s in the “topic of the moment” there’s no stopping him. He completely misses social clues. I can be standing in my coat, with the car keys at the ready and the children lined up whilst he recites a thread from his favourite forum post by post. He is oblivious.
.........and he’s convinced that our children’s autism comes from my side of the family.
GaaaaarlicBread · 28/10/2019 08:12
How can he not have run out of things to say a year of dating later ?! Like what else is there to talk about with the War ? Over a few dates yes but a whole year 😂😂
My DH (boyfriend at the time of said event) used to talk a lot about nursing things, Diabetic wounds , large cysts etc whilst doing his nursing degree as he was passionate and still learning and I had to tell him once , I don’t want to hear about cysts whilst we are eating tea please , and he never did it again 😂 I think I when you’re not living together it’s hard to get into a routine of like ‘normal ‘ conversation as you don’t have loads of time together . Idk or maybe he’s just weird lol
Morgomargot · 28/10/2019 08:15
Why are you with him? How did you even get together with a man who only talks about the WWII? I mean honestly, how the hell did that happen? I would've told him to shut up too. I wouldn't have even entertained a second date. I would probably have walked out of the first one as soon as I realised his only topic of conversation was the Nazi's. This thread is surely a wind up.
StabMeReapers · 28/10/2019 08:15
Well I wonder if your reaction is actually from growing up with obsessive parents and siblings as you describe?
Yeah, this is what I came on to say, AJPTaylor. Possibly a bit of arm-chair psychology (to go along with all the arm-chair medical diagnoses of autism ), but if you grew up on a family of obsessives, OP, it makes me wonder how often you were heard.
Not necessarily verbally—you mentioned you were happy for him to do the conversational heavy lifting—but it could just be your needs and desires aren’t being heard or addressed.
Sounds weird, but this is the kind of thing that can culminate in an explosion, as you displayed.
BuckingFrolics · 28/10/2019 08:29
You were waiting and hoping that he would recognise your needs and your existence as a whole person, not just his audience. Like hanging on to the cliff edge by your fingertips. He didn't see you - eventually hope expired and your rage emerged. And it's a pattern familiar to you from growing up - with the added pain from your hope that surely this kind, gentle man, with whom you have sex, will, unlikely your family, love you enough to see you as a whole person.
I suggest you look at the Karpman triangle. And some heavy duty assertiveness training, if you want to stay with him.
KanelbulleKing · 28/10/2019 08:33
Have you reversed the sexes for anonymity purposes? Because you're describing my autistic daughter to a tee. She's a history teacher and her special interest is the holocaust, has been since she read Anne Frank's diary as a child. Once she starts talking about it she doesn't stop and is oblivious to the boredom or others.
sonjadog · 28/10/2019 08:37
Really, a great interest in a historical period is not an excuse for this. I am very interested in a particular period and topic, to the point that it is my job to work with it and I spend my days reading and researching it. But I don't go home and talk about it all evening, or sit around and lecture my friends on it, because that would make me a self-centered bore. You don't owe him any apology, if anything he owes you one for behaving like this. I would see what he does now. If he is a heart a good guy who got carried away, he will modify his behaviour.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.