My BF won't STFU about WWII and today I had a huge meltdown at him.

I know a few guys who have gone through an "obsessing about the Germans in WWII" phase. This is just me, but I think it's an expression of the crisis in modern masculinity they are experiencing, on one level. Most of them are 100% fine. One of them I really worry about.

I know a few guys who have gone through an "obsessing about the Germans in WWII" phase. This is just me, but I think it's an expression of the crisis in modern masculinity they are experiencing, on one level.

Mind you, interesting that women have experienced a crisis in modern femininity without developing an obsessive fascination with Nazism.

It's not just one weird incident.

He is doing in extreme form what her own make family members used to do.

There is too much to deal with in this relationship.

He is doing it more as he gets more comfortable in the relationship.

@KindOranges Well, women on the whole are generally pleased to finally be given rights so less cause to be harkening back to the good old days [of senseless military aggression]?

You need to talk to him firmly and he needs to listen to you. That way this would have been avoided. He's probably saying to himself, I'm a dating a psycho? While you're saying am I dating an obsessive.

Ah the joy of not communicating clearly.

@RyvitaBrevis, I was think of recent developments where the biological category of being a woman has been redefined by entitled men with a ‘feeling’, leading to women’s safe spaces being no more, women’s sport becoming a nonsense, and a sudden rise in ‘female’ violent crime.

Maybe he should follow
@RealTimeWWII so he can follow it and talk to other people obsessed with ww2.
It is in 1941, so 3 years through. Although we're coming up to the bombing of pearl harbor and the Americans joining the war

That's on Twitter

@Angi1979 It sounds like you’re projecting about a different personal situation perhaps.

To tell someone to fuck off that hasn’t listened time and time again, isn’t abusive. Whilst OP says she didn’t shout. Even if she had it wouldn’t be abusive. He’s blatantly ignored her frequent requests/ wishes and continued to harper on. Someone with verbal diarrhoea is frankly torturous in my experience.

Things are banded about as ‘abuse’ constantly, to disagree with someone or to only be heard when you swear or shout is not abusive. It’s a sign maybe you need to separate but not abuse. its a normal reaction for many.

I was abused verbally and physically for 13 years. It belittles my experience to hear people like you label normal reactions as abuse.

OP, hope you’re ok.

questionzzz that's my real point. Doesn't seem to hear you. Either you're not assertive in expressing yourself or you're not with someone who is worth speaking to. Maybe both. It all seems rather pathetic- in the literal rather than pejorative sense- to me. I used to be very much like that- people pleasing, emotional, prone to tears. It's very liberating to throw off those shackles. There are plenty of ways men could take a leaf from our book but this is one area we can learn from them. No passive aggressive bullshit, no hints hidden as jokes, say what you mean, tell people what you want and don't be afraid to cut them out if it's going nowhere.

flobonobo no projecting, although I was engaging in hyperbole to make my point - being that her reaction is harmful to herself too- hence she's on here whining- rather than asserting what she wanted originally. No need for shouting and tears once you've learned to assert yourself properly. Amazing how much better you feel too.

yellowwallpaper exactly! So well said.

So I did engage with him some more (I didn't say sorry though) and I think we are in a better place now. I really don't want him to feel he has to be on eggshells around me

But you can't be walking on eggshells around him either. It sounds unbearable, OP. Someone talking for that length of time is rude and bloody boring. I'd leave him.

And the fear he'll leave you, the sudden anger, the feeling you wanted to lash out, is there nothing more to this? Nothing else he's doing to make you feel insecure or worried?

@Angi1979 “on here whining” - or asking advice? This persistent tone and response on mumsnet upsets me.

Just because it’s not a real face to face conversation, doesn’t mean you should be so flippant or non empathetic to your fellow human unless they have given you perhaps personal cause.

I disagree, yellowallpaper.

When you find yourself in a relationship where the meaning of the word Stop has to be explained, you need to compose a Dear John letter and block him on your phone and SM.

The fact that he was able to hold off talking about WWII, and was able to say and do the right things, until the sex part was over makes me think he quite capable of prioritzing and categorizing his interests in the moment.
I think you need to discount autism therefore, and accept the fact that your boyfriend is what you fear he is, someone obsessed by the Nazis in an unhealthy way (and someone who should not be allowed anywhere near impressionable minds). Also someone who doesn't listen to a partner. You have been in an abusive relationship before, @questionzzz - did you get any counseling afterwards?

Is bubbly conversation worth the tradeoff of feeling desperate and trapped?

Are you too focused on avoiding silence in a relationship because of your previous experience of a surly, brooding, menacing person in your home?

I suggest you haven't shaken off the fear that comes with the sort of abuse you suffered with your exP and that chatter reassures you.
But ignoring requests to stop is a red flag even when it's 'just' a monologue.

People in a relationship should be able to sit comfortably in silence together.

It just strikes me as an obvious answer. They have no common ground, he bores her to tears (literally) and she goes from doormat to screaming psycho in 30 secs. You post asking for opinions then that's what you get- opinions. My opinion is it's all a little pathetic. You disagree. If a man gives a forthright opinion he's a strong alpha. When a woman does it she's a bitch who should alter her tone. I'm not playing by those rules I'm afraid.

@Angi1979 nothing to do with male / female. Just assumption, brashness and empathy. I’ll be honest, I’m can be pretty brash in every day life on situations and friendships I know. I’m known as the brutally honest friend. But online you don’t know who people are and text doesn’t convey a situation clearly.

You sound super straight forward which I admire.

I know you say the subject matter got to you, but how can you cope in conversations that are just monologues? I've had friends like that, though I don't think they ever really cared what ear was there to listen, but I couldn't have a relationship with someone like that.

My dd has managed to bounce from one abusive relationship to another, by choosing people who are seemingly the opposite of the one before. Be careful OP.

flobonobo I am very straight foward nowadays unlike years past. Not everyone likes that but it does mean I don't have the kind of irrational blow outs the o.p described. My advice- which she can take or leave- is designed to help her reach the same place, should she want to. She's entirely free to ignore me as is anyone else. My life is unaffected either way. It's helped enormously in relationships though. I don't have irritants building up for weeks or men in my life that annoy me. Most men find me to be too blunt- as is their right. The men who don't mind my straightforward talk I find are worth having around so it's win-win. I'm afraid I'm not into ego stroking nowadays- and that includes the o.p and anyone I've offended. If words printed on a screen from a stranger cause deep distress to anyone, I'd suggest the issue is with them, not me.

He sounds incredibly boring and you are a horrible communicator. Apologise for the meltdown because there was a more direct and clear way of communicating your displeasure without resorting to acting like a child.

He can come and live with OH who is obsessed with AIr Crash Investigation, especially just before we fly off on holiday. He once sat on a plane before take off and gave me a run down on all the crashes this particular model had been involved in, long before Rachel and the phalanges on Friends!
He's also very interested in the American Civil War, we've tramped round many many battlefields and I've become quite well versed, if you can't beat them, join them. The Ken Burns series gave me a long list of gift ideas for birthdays and Christmas!