My BF won't STFU about WWII and today I had a huge meltdown at him.
questionzzz · 28/10/2019 00:44
BF of one year is a teacher, no kids of his own, and very sweet and lovely. I know ppl always say that but he really is. Very gentle, animal lover, vegetarian etc.
Also a huge history nerd (in his own words), espcially WWII and the American Civil War. Now generally I don't mind that- I did A-level in History and have a fairly solid grasp of the historical outline, I think, although I have specialized in another field of social science.
He usually does go on a bit about the historical documentaries he has watched or books he has read, kinda does go on and on a bit. Again, I generally don't mind that. I have two kids, and I actually appreciate dating someone who does most of the conversational "heavy lifting".
The last couple of weeks however I felt the WWII stuff was reaching a particular intensity. I can't quite describe it. Like he literally wouldn't shut up about it, except during actual sex. I started dropping hints, eg a few nights ago on the phone, he was at it again and I said ok I feel sleepy now and gotta go, listening to you go on about WWII is a sleeping pill hahaha making ajoke of it, but I did end the conversation. I've also mentioned that you know there are other atrocities and terrible things, human beings are pretty good at doing appalling things to each other, have you heard of Rwnad, the Khmer Rouge, Kosovo etc, and he would say something like, yes but in terms of sheer numbers, the Germans blah blah blah blah.
Anyway today we only had three hours to spend together. Our time naturally limited due to the fact I have kids and am a lone parent. We were also planning on doing something else after intimacy. So we're dressed and ready to start the other thing, and he gets on about WWII. I glance at the clock.
Now I really don't know why i didn't say look, stop talking about WWII, we said we would do this other thing, can we do it please (it's cringey, just an art project we're suppsed to be working on- which was his idea by the way and he bought all the supplies etc for). I just listened, thinking he's gonna stop soon. Surely he can't go on.
, It's not just the length of time, as I listen to him babble on, I feel he has this creepy insidious admiration for the Germans? Like he's talking about this amazing war? And he wants me to admit that this was the most significant and incredible event in modern history? he didn't say it in so many words, like he didn't actually directly say "and weren't the Nazis incredible", but I almost felt that where he's heading?
About 20 minutes I did say a few times can we please stop talking about this, and my voice was getting a bit emotional and upset, but he seemed to be stuck in his head, and didn;t seem to hear me.
At the 45 minute mark I got up started putting on my outdoor clothes to leave while having a completely insanely angry meltdown. I can't remember quite what I said but certainly Fuck off, don't touch me, i can' stand you, what are you trying to accomplish, are you trying to get me to admire the Germans and WWII - what is your fucking problem, all in there.
He was completely horrified and shocked. He says he has no idea I was becoming agitated and upset. Certainly no admiration for nazis. WWII was appalling. He asks me what else is going on. I have my fair share of life's stressors, but this is the first time I've had a reaction like this to him, just sheer insane anger. I tell him it's you,, I;m angry at you, don;t try to blame other things, you weren't istening to me.
He acknowledges he wasn't listening to me. Eventually we make up.
WIBU to be so angry? Actually I had a vision of hitting him while I was angry, police officers arresting me and asking me why I was violent, and me saying because he wouldn't stop talking about WWII.
How crazy is that?
obligations · 28/10/2019 06:17
Even if it hasn't been mentioned between you, he completely sounds as if he is on the autism spectrum and has not been diagnosed. It sounds like a classic example of perseveration - continuing to talk about a specific topic long after the other person is interested, and missing the social cues that they want the other person to stop. It's sometimes like being completely stuck. If he is otherwise nice and you like him it may be that if you see talk to him again you can explain why you got so angry and agree a signal of some kind in future to indicate you need him to stop talking about whatever it is he can't stop talking about. That should work whether or not he is autistic. If he can't agree to that, it sounds like you should part company.
user1480880826 · 28/10/2019 06:19
There is something a bit odd about people who are fanatical about war. I really liked studying history but it’s not the same as loving the gore of war.
There’s an increasing obsession in the UK about the glory of WWII and it’s really unhealthy. It wasn’t glorious at all. It was horrendous. All you need to do is watch interviews with survivors and you will see how traumatizing it was. The survivors didn’t see it as glorious. They wanted to do everything in their power to prevent it from ever happening again.
Lemonsqueasy · 28/10/2019 06:33
I'm surprised at the amount of people taking his side - he spoke at you for 45 minutes. One sided conversations are incredibly selfish. I literally feel every wasted second of my life slipping away when this happens. Sounds like for the relationship to continue you need to find a polite way to end these monologues, that you feel comfortable saying (cos you sound quite uncomfortable with confrontation) and that gets the message through. Failing that just leave the room..
BalloonWhisk · 28/10/2019 06:46
I’m with @mathanxiety. He’s just socialised to occupy all the conversational space with his droning on about Special Subject X. I’d ditch, he sounds like a total bore. No apology needed.
Incidentally, your date was for the purposes of sex and an art project?)
honeylulu · 28/10/2019 06:48
I thought autism/Asperger's too. My son is on the high functioning end of the spectrum and is just like this with his "subject of the moment". It drives me insane sometimes (even though I am probably on the spectrum myself) especially if I've asked nicely, then firmly, then very firmly, to just stop banging on.
It's not just the subject itself, it's that it's a non stop monologue with no opportunity for conversation. No one else gets a word in edgeways. It feels as if it doesn't matter if you're there or not because it's a "conversation" he could deliver to an empty room. I had to send him away from the table recently when we had guests who we were dying to catch up with and son was reciting word for word the whole of a television series he'd been enjoying.
I love him to bits but sometimes I think if even his own mother finds him so annoying, it must be even worse for others.
Fairylea · 28/10/2019 07:08
This might be interesting- www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/obsessions-repetitive-routines.aspx
There are many, many adults out there with undiagnosed autism / Aspergers. (Many areas do not diagnose Aspergers anyway and just put it under autism). Times have changed from the days when people thought autism was purely a non verbal child who couldn’t communicate- so many of the adults out there who didn’t fit this old fashioned view are floating about undiagnosed (myself included).
SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 28/10/2019 07:12
Whhh...It wouldnt bother me. But Im.also a history nerd.
I'm the same as Leannb - and WWII is also a period of special interest to me - that and the Russian Revolution and the Holodomor.
The way in which tiny, apparently innocuous incidents built into such horror is fascinating as well as horrible. How if even one little thing had not occurred that whole (actually there isn't a strong enough word for what occurred) would have de-railed; and the fact that if just one tiny thing had been different, setting off a different course of action which would snowball a different direction could have led to Hitler being victorious . . .
. . . I'm doing it now, aren't I?
funnylittlefloozie · 28/10/2019 07:32
Oh god no, do NOT get him into re-enacting! That just moves everything from "obsession" to "financially crippling and time-consuming obsession".
Maybe he has Aspergers, maybe not. He certainly doesnt sound like a "normal" history buff, tbh. But he also doesnt understand normal cues like people walking away, or getting bored. You have to decide whether this is behaviour you can put up with and work on, or whether its just too much, and you might be better off out of the relationship.
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 28/10/2019 07:38
Look, your reaction wasn't perfect, but understandable. You're a human and sometimes humans react, overreact etc.
I could sense your frustration building during your post and knew it was going to be a case of you exploding.
I have a family member who is a bore. And an opinionated bore! I was in a room alone with them for 2 hours one day and absolutely flipped at them. I know I completely overreacted but I couldn't stop myself. I just screamed at them to shut up!!
I'm a very sensible, level-headed, tolerant person. But I think we all have our tipping point. Upside for me is this person no longer talks to me .
I think talk to your bf when things have settled. If you want you can apologise for the way you said it but not what you said. You do need him to shut up. You need conversation to not be dominated by 1 topic of conversation. You need him to take an interest in things you are interested in and to understand that conversation is supposed to be a mutual 2 way thing.
He does sound like he is autistic. He certainly has obsessive tendancies. If let things lie for the moment and see how he proceeds. 1 more word about WWII and he'd be history ( ) though.
Simkin · 28/10/2019 07:39
You are just doing what he wants, all the time, and not leaving any room for what you want. Maybe you've got so used to doing this you don't even know what you want. That's why you exploded. It's not going to get any better until YOU assert yourself (and then you'll probably find this relationship is not for you). It's not his fault though, you'll have been tacitly encouraging him.
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