Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


My BF won't STFU about WWII and today I had a huge meltdown at him.

241 replies

questionzzz · 28/10/2019 00:44


BF of one year is a teacher, no kids of his own, and very sweet and lovely. I know ppl always say that but he really is. Very gentle, animal lover, vegetarian etc.
Also a huge history nerd (in his own words), espcially WWII and the American Civil War. Now generally I don't mind that- I did A-level in History and have a fairly solid grasp of the historical outline, I think, although I have specialized in another field of social science.
He usually does go on a bit about the historical documentaries he has watched or books he has read, kinda does go on and on a bit. Again, I generally don't mind that. I have two kids, and I actually appreciate dating someone who does most of the conversational "heavy lifting".

The last couple of weeks however I felt the WWII stuff was reaching a particular intensity. I can't quite describe it. Like he literally wouldn't shut up about it, except during actual sex. I started dropping hints, eg a few nights ago on the phone, he was at it again and I said ok I feel sleepy now and gotta go, listening to you go on about WWII is a sleeping pill hahaha making ajoke of it, but I did end the conversation. I've also mentioned that you know there are other atrocities and terrible things, human beings are pretty good at doing appalling things to each other, have you heard of Rwnad, the Khmer Rouge, Kosovo etc, and he would say something like, yes but in terms of sheer numbers, the Germans blah blah blah blah.

Anyway today we only had three hours to spend together. Our time naturally limited due to the fact I have kids and am a lone parent. We were also planning on doing something else after intimacy. So we're dressed and ready to start the other thing, and he gets on about WWII. I glance at the clock.

Now I really don't know why i didn't say look, stop talking about WWII, we said we would do this other thing, can we do it please (it's cringey, just an art project we're suppsed to be working on- which was his idea by the way and he bought all the supplies etc for). I just listened, thinking he's gonna stop soon. Surely he can't go on.
, It's not just the length of time, as I listen to him babble on, I feel he has this creepy insidious admiration for the Germans? Like he's talking about this amazing war? And he wants me to admit that this was the most significant and incredible event in modern history? he didn't say it in so many words, like he didn't actually directly say "and weren't the Nazis incredible", but I almost felt that where he's heading?
About 20 minutes I did say a few times can we please stop talking about this, and my voice was getting a bit emotional and upset, but he seemed to be stuck in his head, and didn;t seem to hear me.

At the 45 minute mark I got up started putting on my outdoor clothes to leave while having a completely insanely angry meltdown. I can't remember quite what I said but certainly Fuck off, don't touch me, i can' stand you, what are you trying to accomplish, are you trying to get me to admire the Germans and WWII - what is your fucking problem, all in there.

He was completely horrified and shocked. He says he has no idea I was becoming agitated and upset. Certainly no admiration for nazis. WWII was appalling. He asks me what else is going on. I have my fair share of life's stressors, but this is the first time I've had a reaction like this to him, just sheer insane anger. I tell him it's you,, I;m angry at you, don;t try to blame other things, you weren't istening to me.

He acknowledges he wasn't listening to me. Eventually we make up.
WTF happened?
WIBU to be so angry? Actually I had a vision of hitting him while I was angry, police officers arresting me and asking me why I was violent, and me saying because he wouldn't stop talking about WWII.
How crazy is that?

OP posts:

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 28/10/2019 01:42

If he's 35, his last name begins with an M and you live in city C...he's never going to be any different. He was like it at uni and will be forever more. And yes, it's annoying as balls.


Seeingadistance · 28/10/2019 01:51

I wouldn't normally say this, but it seems appropriate on this thread.

Given that Hitler was also apparently an animal lover and a vegetarian, I don't think that these two things are necessarily proof of your BF's loveliness!


dontgobaconmyheart · 28/10/2019 01:53

He sounds awful company OP, regardless. It sounds like you're sitting on some resentment towards him to be honest. He may well be excessively gentle, vegetarian, and what not but that doesn't mean he's attractive by default or isn't capable of being inconsiderate or selfish etc. If the only dynamic thing about him is getting a bit of a boner over discussions of WWII then I don't blame you. If he actually was I'd dump him asap- gratuitously discussing an atrocity is not normal.

Do you think you sat on your frustration because he is so 'nice' you feel you can't speak negatively to him when he's doing/saying things you don't like? You're BU to have sworn and shouted instead of a direct conversation- but- it does highlight an issue that you weren't able to.


Jux · 28/10/2019 01:54

Yes, be very clear when you're close to breaking point! If you can, stop him long before then. I expect you 'broke' because you felt hit by a juggernaut! DH used to have a friend who would basically just deliver a lecture rather than have a conversation (truth be told, DH is capable of going on for ages too, it all gets very boring). One time his friend delivered a 20 minute long lecture to me - at me - on what was back then my specialism. He started with a couple of false premises and went on from there, getting facts wrong all the way, and talked over me when I tried to interject. I have never say in a room with him since and DH 'dumped' him some years ago now, to my great relief. Another friend was similar but you could make light of it and ask if he was winding up to another little Frien'dsname Lecture etc

You'll get thoroughly bored of it unless you can break him of the habit. You can do it using humour, a very powerful tool, saying something mild like "you're not in class now" or setting a timer - you can talk about this for this long....


flobonobo · 28/10/2019 01:57

I don’t think you over reacted. But I imagine you felt shocked and upset at your own reaction.

I know full well - When you’re around someone that is obsessive that doesn’t listen, this is what happens unless you’re a saint! However unless he will start listening and addressing his obsessiveness it isn’t good for your mental health, so you may need to end it.

Other people who haven’t experienced a similar behaviour, won’t understand it causes you to lose your mind - akin to torture!


Skittlesandbeer · 28/10/2019 02:15

I’d probably deal with it a bit differently. I’d be quite upfront that I found the topic too narrow, and repetitive, to be interesting to me. That I’d rather talk about 1000 other things.

After that, I’d invent a passionate interest in something so phenomenally socially boring you want to rip your ears off. I’d launch into it every time he got ‘in the zone’ about his WWII shite. Loudly and pointedly until he stopped. Every time until he got the message.

I recommend ‘the history of my skin’s minor complaints’ or ‘how they dug the Chunnel’ or perhaps ‘neighbours I grew up with, and what they’re up to nowadays.’ If you need others, I could ask my stepfather. He has a vast collection of topic ideas along these lines. He’d be happy to jot down some volumes of study notes for you.


Creepster · 28/10/2019 02:28

People who will not stop when you ask them to, or refuse to take no for an answer, are not safe to be around.


OMGshefoundmeout · 28/10/2019 02:31

Not sure who is in the wrong here but you sound fundamentally unsuited. Why are you persisting with this very boring man? I am sure you could do better.


penisbeakers · 28/10/2019 02:35

Don't blame you to be honest, that would drive me nuts. You tried to ask him to stop nicely and he wouldn't, so you took it up a notch. If he's that obsessed he can go and live in a war memorial museum. I couldn't cope with that at all, get rid.

Also - my late step father was OBSESSED with the same thing and it was a fucking nightmare.


penisbeakers · 28/10/2019 02:38

Also - folks saying she overreacted or handled it badly, he is driving her to the point of losing it so frankly, I don't think she is the problem here. He needs to shut the fuck up.


AliciaQuays · 28/10/2019 03:15

He is boring.

There’s more to history than nazis.
Plus giggle at the art thing


SarahNade · 28/10/2019 03:22

First thing that struck me - Aspergers. It is a classic symptom, obsessively going on about a subject they are fixated on. I have it, and I saw it way before I even finished your post.


TomPinch · 28/10/2019 04:02

Does he like Father Ted series 3 episode 1?


Baboomtsk · 28/10/2019 04:05

As pp have said it does sound like he's on the autistic spectrum somewhere.

I don't blame you at all for snapping though. I also have an interest in ww2 (amongst other things, as you say there's more to history and more to life) but wouldn't even bring it up unless I knew the other person was also interested or asked me what I was reading etc...

I'd also take issue with what he says about the Nazis and sheer numbers. What about Mao Zedong or the interwar Soviet Union? I suppose it depends what you count as an atrocity.


NerrSnerr · 28/10/2019 04:45

I don't think it's helpful to give him a diagnosis after one thread on Mumsnet.

If you want the relationship to work OP you need to talk to him and see what he says. You need to apologise for your outburst to explain your point of view to see if he is prepared to compromise.


Ketomeato · 28/10/2019 05:11

OP, google Aspergers.


Jamhandprints · 28/10/2019 05:23

It sounds like he may have autism. He may not be aware of this as many adults are undiagnosed.
The all consuming obsession, monologue and the not understanding your emotions are signs.
He sounds lovely though and when you have calmed down talk calmly to him about how to manage this.
You could have a timer set for 10 mins so he can talk about it for that time and you can let him know that you may not listen properly because its not interesting for you but he is welcome to "information dump" for 10 mins if he needs to.
If he is autistic then there is no point trying to reason him out of his obsession.


Disfordarkchocolate · 28/10/2019 05:51

It sounds like you overreacted but equally, he was totally ignoring you which is just as bad. You're in a relationship so you shouldn't have to communicate like you're that formally, 'hey dude enough about the WWII we've got stuff to do' should have been enough. Frankly, I think I'd be bored by him, one topic of conversation makes bore unless you are meeting as part of a related club.


NearlyGranny · 28/10/2019 05:53

He sounds like that enemy of learningn, the talking teacher! Is he advancing in his career at all? Does he bring funny stories about what the kids at school said or got up to?

If not, you're dealing with someone tone deaf to others and he will bore you into extinction by smothering you in a thick blanket of talk.

What would happen if you asked him to find his transmit button and switch it to receive? What would you want to do - after you'd dtd, I mean.


mathanxiety · 28/10/2019 05:58

I did say several times both on the preceding days, and once before my meltdown today to please let's stop, etc. Maybe not as assertively or clearly as I should have, Because honestly it was if he did not hear me.

I don't think you overreacted and I don't think you owe him an apology.

Women are conditioned to be really nice and patient and when we reach our limits and blow up we scare ourselves more than we scare others. He only took a break from his monologue to have sex with you in previous weeks...
It's not your fault that he wouldn't listen to you.

He tried to mansplain your anger to you - asking what stressors were in your life, etc.
I don't think this is aspergers.

Some men are brought up to hold court. I have a family of cousins who are like this. None are on the spectrum. They are lovely men in many, many ways. But they believe that any given room full of people are their audience.

My guess is that this man is just inappropriately brought up.

I think you should dump him.


Helmetbymidnight · 28/10/2019 06:07

i dont think you over-reacted and again today im shocked at the handmaidens on mn who seem to think women should be defering to men all the time.

he sounds terrible company, i mean, really terrible.

when i opened this thread i was laughing because im a bit of a WW2 nerd- i'm going on a ww2 thing later - but no, i uk m nothing like this guy! this fellas obsession is ridiculous. he can hardly talk about anything else? fuck that!


Babybel90 · 28/10/2019 06:08

I’ve known a couple of people like this, now I have a short fuse for this kind of behaviour anyway, but if someone is droning on about a subject that’s only interesting to themselves, as pp said lecture style, then it can be so draining that you overreact to get them to understand that you’re not interested.

OP dump him, I doubt he’ll change, the obsession might change though.


Fairylea · 28/10/2019 06:12

Definitely sounds like he has Aspergers. Not just the specialist interest but also the fact that he didn’t “read” the signs that you weren’t interested until you really let rip.

I have a son with autism aged 7 and he is the same. To be fair I just nod and smile and let him waffle on (about road signs and cars) because he’s only a child and I love him but I can imagine how boring and exhausting it would be to be with a boyfriend like it!


OutwiththeOutCrowd · 28/10/2019 06:14

It sounds like he needs some WWII fans to hang out with to get it out his system a bit so he can be more amenable to varied chat when he is with you.

What about suggesting he join a WWII reenactment group? Or that he has a war strategy board game evening with fellow enthusiasts?

Or you could try aversion therapy. Sing 'There'll be Bluebirds over the White Cliffs of Dover' over and over again at every opportunity. (Might not work if you can sing nicely.)


Sparklybanana · 28/10/2019 06:15

My dh was a massive talker when I met him. He really didn't shut up about certain things and even now will still try and 'teach' others. He's super clever and learns by teaching if that makes sense. His parents never say 'shh now' so he never learnt social cues until I told him, probably rudely, that he really needed to look at people's body language, and if they were halfway out of the door, that meant, they wanted you to stop talking. Not everyone is as interested in a conversation as you are darling. He's not autistic but was never really taught about body language! If your guy can't read cues but you really like him them you need to teach him directly. Yanbu about exploding. I've done it a few times myself!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

We're all short on time

Log in or sign up to use the 'See Next' or 'See all' posts by the OP (Original Poster) and cut straight to the action.

Already signed up?

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?