To not want to visit in-laws with newborn In early weeks

[Yummymummy2020]

So just to get others opinions on this, the expectation is that I will bring new born to visit in-laws after birth( hours walk away, winter time don’t drive as of yet, likely won’t be fit to anyway after birth) have been fore warned of induction with forceps to shorten second stage, so likely won’t be in great shape after the birth, possible section depending on how the induction goes. Am I being unreasonable to say in advance this isn’t a fair expectation( this would be weekly visits as per before the birth!) also just to add, house is always packed with frequent sickness so to me a recipe for disaster! Did say to partner they can visit us but was met with annoyance at the fact I wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea of visiting in the early weeks, also planning to breast feed and don’t want an audience!

I'd tell them if they want to see the baby then they can get off their lazy arses and come to you!

No you are not unreasonable. Your in laws sounds like twats who see you as nothing more than a moving uterus and your DP sounds not very nice.

They're numpties!

I stupidly walked for over an hour quite briskly a couple of weeks after giving birth and bled very heavily afterwards and really exhausted myself.

Dont do it. You need to change the order of things now. You have a baby, they need to come to you, otherwise it doesnt happen.

I wonder if there hs been an expectation voiced already, and how was it handled? It is perfectly reasonably to say you will be having a few weeks at home to recover and settle baby in with feeding etc. Who has asked and what was said? If the conversation was with your husband its up to him to put it right. As they are his family perhaps he should be instigating a plan as how and when you are going to introduce yoir baby to his family. It is more common for relatives to pay you a visit once you are all settled. I wonder if your husband is a bit naive about how you will all settle in together and get breast feeding established

They should come to you

If my partner expected me to be walking for hours in rain and snow straight after giving birth with a newborn. I’d pack him off to go live with the relatives and trek down to visit newborn daily.

No I bloody would not be agreeing to walk and hour each way with a newborn during winter every week to plague ridden house.

I would far rather be at home, healing, eating cuddling newborn, doing lots of skin to skin and establishing breastfeeding.

I don’t give a shit if every other new mother was walking ten miles thro fifty feet of snow in nothing more than a bikini straight after a failed forceps assisted delivery resulting in emcs and shredded birthcanal and a fourth degree tear.

I’d be spending the first month at least healing and working out for myself what I wanted to do and bonding with my newborn.

Your partner sounds like a grade a idiot.

Id knock them weekly visits on the head right now.

I wouldn’t go. Your P can carry on as he wants. I’d spend the time in blissful peace and quiet, with my feet up watching what I wanted on tv with a cuppa.

Thanks guys I wasn’t sure if I was just being a hormonal mess because I got really upset About it earlier after having an argument about it ! I just felt really under pressure then and was worried I was being overly precious about myself and the baby!

I wouldn’t walk that distance post partem but there are taxis where I live.

And if you really wanted to go occasionally then that's what taxis are for

You need to put your foot down with your unsupportive part of a partner NOW or it’ll only get worse after the birth. If he doesn’t stand up for you now, then it’ll only get worse after the birth. Are you still comfortable walking there at the minute. If not, then stop now.

Seriously OP, I’ve read so many threads from pregnant women or women with small children and men who continue to put their birth families first that I count my blessings every day that my late husband was so good. It doesn’t bode well for your future, if he can’t put you, his WIFE and new baby to be first. I really hope you have the financial means to put some secret money away over the next few years, as an escape fund, because you may need it.

Can your oh drive you there after a wk or two.? Let them know they are able to visit you otherwise. But no an hours walk (and an hour back.) is not practical.

*unsupportive prat

Of course make not commitments now!
(As a side issue- have you had second/third opinions about the expectation of foreceps? Asked loads of questions, got all the facts? Sorry if I’m overstepping!)
After the birth don’r commit to going anywhere. Say they can visit you. If the in laws are OK, when the weather gets better and you and the baby are well and strong you might quite like to have a walk to somewhere where the baby will get doted on and you can have a cup of tea. But agree to nothing in advance!

That’s very true We do have taxis, though being in the country side in the uk you would need to book in advance to get one home at a reasonable time over the weekend, but it’s more the Going visiting in general so soon after the birth I suppose is the main topic of debate and if it’s unreasonable to not want to go on longish journeys out of the comfort of home when you are trying to establish feeding (as privately as possible in the beginning) and also trying to keep away from sick people where possible (there tends to be nine young kids there most week ends, invariably someone has a cold or flu/chicken pox in the winter every visit!) which is another reason making me wary to go with the newborn! To say the house is busy to put into context in total there are over 20 people visiting when I’m expected to go visit! So literally a mad house! In my mind, at least if visitors come to us you can pre arrange smaller groups and for less time and then of course when baby is a bit older I won’t care about going back to the old routine, I’ll hopefully be back to some normality myself after the 2 month mark or so!

Ridiculous. They can come to you, when you’re home, comfortable, have feeding established and want them to. Without anyone who’s peddling germs.

Your partner is the problem by the sounds of things. When he can grow and deliver a whole human being he can try and dictate stuff, but even then I’d tell him to fuck off.

Suggest to your dp that when he passes a grapefruit through his penis he gets to call the shots in what happens. Get your midwife to back you up. And if you have a c section you won't be doing much for at least 6 weeks.

When he's done all that, after growing the grapefruit AND breastfeeding the grapefruit for probably 18 hours a day, 7 days a week he gets to say what you will be doing post partum.

It's standard that mum sits like a queen and recieves visitors, bearing gifts and being helpful for at least a week. Then she potters around slowly if she feels like it. Tell him if he carries on insisting on this, you will ask the midwives opinion and he can explain to her why this is so necessary.

@SerafinaPekkola Don’t worry you are not over stepping the mark at all- in fact if you have any experience of shortened second stage with forceps I’d appreciate hearing about it because I am nervous at the idea! I have been lucky in that I have spoke with more than one doctor about it, it’s basically recommended in ladies with heart problems is what I have been told as the pushing stage can put pressure on your heart and cause trouble. I have heard a lot of horror stories but also was told a section can come with its own issues, I’m not sure when push comes to shove I fully have a choice in the matter but of course whatever gets baby out safely I’ll go with! The only doctors I spoke to were in my hospital though so it might be worth me asking else where, I think the policy may be the same though in the circumstances!

Get a cattle prod and prod him for at least 12 hours, continually getting stronger.
Then shove a pumpkin up your Partners arse and put pegs, on his nipples and see how, he fancies the walk.

Follow your instincts. Tell the family you don't want baby passed around lots of different people until he/she has had vaccines. Better for you both to be in your own environment.

If you're having a row about it, then tell him when he's pushed a melon out of his nether regions, with forceps help, then he can advise you on how well you will be.
Tell him what you will do is see how well you feel you are after birth and will let him know when you're up to a three hour outing.

See if you can get any info off midwife re visiting a full home full of children etc.

Is everyone vaccinated as far as you know

Well, an advantage of you going there would be being able to leave when you want to.

Of course you going there would be dependent on your being well enough, so it goes without saying that it wouldn't be happening until you wanted it to.

So they either wait until then or get off their arses.

(when you feel up to visitors, of course)

I fell into this trap last time with one set of IL's and will not do it again. I'll be having DC3 this week and if people want to meet the baby they will have to come to us. For starters the travelling is not ideal when you're recovering and secondly you have everything that baby could possibly need in your own home.

The adults wouldn’t be up to date on vaccinations but I think the kids would be? Another bit in context I’m not allowed mine during this pregnancy due to a severe reaction a few years ago so baby will be more vulnerable till they get theirs at the eight weeks ect! A doctor in the hospital did actually say the baby would need to be kept away from groups of people till then ect so i might ask the midwife aswell to try drill it in! I’m so angry about it I feel it shouldn’t even be an argument!