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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to visit in-laws with newborn In early weeks

101 replies

Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 15:32

So just to get others opinions on this, the expectation is that I will bring new born to visit in-laws after birth( hours walk away, winter time don’t drive as of yet, likely won’t be fit to anyway after birth) have been fore warned of induction with forceps to shorten second stage, so likely won’t be in great shape after the birth, possible section depending on how the induction goes. Am I being unreasonable to say in advance this isn’t a fair expectation( this would be weekly visits as per before the birth!) also just to add, house is always packed with frequent sickness so to me a recipe for disaster! Did say to partner they can visit us but was met with annoyance at the fact I wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea of visiting in the early weeks, also planning to breast feed and don’t want an audience!

OP posts:
mumwon · 27/10/2019 16:35

(as said elsewhere: please don't get worried about forceps - believe me - if baby needs them they are there to help you & baby - & to be frank - if 2nd stage is prolonged you will be happy to have them & while I can remember other things about my labour(s) I cant remember much about them (& they def used them!)

BreatheAndFocus · 27/10/2019 16:36

YADNBU! Don’t do it and don’t even promise that you might do it in future.

I’m outraged on your behalf!

Your DP should be standing up for you and baby not pandering to his family’s selfish demands. Definitely speak to your midwife and doctor. Perhaps his family would listen more to authority than you?

AuchAyeTheNo · 27/10/2019 16:40

In all honestly I would be saying not to decide on anything yet. You might be perfectly fine after labour, I was walking about 10 minutes after.

I prefer going to visit people, it means I can leave when it suits me instead of wishing people would leave my house!

PanamaPattie · 27/10/2019 16:41

Stop the weekly visits right now. That's suffocating enough. If any family want to see you, they now were you live. Ask them to text or call first to make sure you're ready for a visit. Your partner can take a long jump off a short cliff.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2019 16:42

Your partner is an idiot.

Do not go, especially before babujas had their injections. Tell DH he's wcome to op alone, and IL's can visit if they are well. That's it.

Bellringer · 27/10/2019 16:43

Don't argue. Just don't do it.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2019 16:44

You might be perfectly fine after labour, I was walking about 10 minutes after
Forceps delivery with pre existing heart condition, a hour long walk in winter so likely cold and probably wet? Just to satisfy lazy relatives who cba to leave their own home? Well you're a better woman than me @AuchAyeTheNo

TeachesOPeaches · 27/10/2019 16:47

‘Dear all: no. Best wishes’

That’s all there is to it. After my EMCS I had to be helped on and off the toilet for a week. No way would I have skipped merrily off to my in laws. No way no how.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/10/2019 16:54

There is nothing wrong with 'precious' when it comes to a new Mum and a newborn. This is a time for your partner to demonstrate that you and the baby are his priority and not his parents. I wouldn't be walking that much in late pregnancy.

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 16:56

@mumwon that’s great to hear, it’s ok if you don’t want to answer this as it’s personal, but did you tear after the forceps? I only ask because my doctor said it’s pretty common to have a bad one after them? Also another really personal question, did you do peranial (apologise for the bad spelling) massage at all pre delivery and do you think this maybe helped minimise forceps damage if you did? I have resigned myself to them now so I suppose I’m all about any damage limitation I can do before hand especially when it’s planned to use them ahead!

OP posts:
Littlemissdaredevil · 27/10/2019 16:58

I had forceps (and an episiotomy and tear). In the first few weeks I could walk for about 10/15 mins before it began to feel like my insides were falling out!

dementedpixie · 27/10/2019 16:58

Would they not do an episiotomy if they were going to use forceps (to prevent you tearing)

Drum2018 · 27/10/2019 16:59

So you haven't even had the baby yet and they are making demands? Fuck them. You get to decide where you and your breastfed baby go and when. Don't say anything at all yet. When baby arrives and you get home then you say no to any requests to walk to their house. If you are happy for the in laws to visit you, then invite them over - 2 at a time, not 20 arriving at once. If the visit drags on tell them baby needs feeding and take baby to your bedroom and lock the door! Your partner is a knob - give him an almighty kick in the balls and send him off walking to his family!

witchy89 · 27/10/2019 17:03

What!!!? I had a forceps delivery (after 36 hours of labour though) and I was definitely not up for walking very far for a long time, I also bled for a while and had to wear maternity pads for a couple of weeks which made it even more uncomfortable. You'll almost definitely need an episiotomy too if you're having a forceps delivery which will further increase your discomfort. My scar didn't heal properly for 6 weeks and walking was agony while it was healing. My muscles also ached from being in labour for so long and I threw my back out during the first few days from twisting in the night to her LO out of her crib. Not to mention you'll be knackered from feeding constantly through the night. There is no way on earth I would let a man tell me what I'll be doing after I have given birth. You need to be in your own little nest, bonding and having skin on skin and nursing and being waited on!

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:03

@dementedpixie I’m not really sure, that’s something I will ask though! It’s my first so to be honest I didn’t even realise what a forceps was until I was told it was in my near future😂 I’m Learning something new everyday! Maybe it is automatic to do one? The baby is expected to be small so I might not need to be cut but again it depends on if it’s something they do automatically or only if needed!

OP posts:
AuchAyeTheNo · 27/10/2019 17:04

@SleepingStandingUp

Don’t kick what you don’t know. Try having a baby in the middle of the worst winter in years. Major heart issues ongoing since I was a child and still under monthly assessments and the future possibility of a transplant.

I said SOME people are perfectly fine. OP needs some good stories not always doom and gloom

Motoko · 27/10/2019 17:05

I’m so angry about it I feel it shouldn’t even be an argument!

You're right, it shouldn't be an argument. Don't worry about being unreasonable, you are the one giving birth, so you call the shots. If he argues about it, he's being a prick. Don't do anything you don't want to do.

I suspect you're going to have more problems than this, with him in the future.

If you're still walking to the ILs now, stop going. You don't have to visit them every week if you don't want to, especially as you're walking for an hour to get there. Let him go to see them if he wants to.

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:06

@Littlemissdaredevil thanks so much for sharing your experience! It seems to be the norm for many ladies having a forceps delivery and I feel if I expect it, I will either cope a bit better or be pleasantly surprised if I’m one of the lucky few! It’s good to hear how others got on with it especially with regards healing time!

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 27/10/2019 17:09

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/ventouse-forceps-delivery/

Maybe ask if ventouse is an option too

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:10

@witchy89 oh gosh you really had a tough time, that’s really awful. I don’t think they will let me have a long labor which is one good thing for me, but I likely will have to contend with the cutting on top of the forceps by the sounds of things. Fore warned is fore armed(I hope!) thank you so much for sharing your experience!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:13

@dementedpixie thanks so much for sharing that with me, I will definitely ask at my next appointment about that. It sounds less traumatic than the forceps, hopefully I’ll get to the 34 weeks now so it’s an option for me! They actually never even mentioned it to me I’m not sure why, but I’m very glad to know it’s another option I hope!

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 27/10/2019 17:14

They should visit you for the first couple of months at least. I'm sure if this is put to them, they'll agree, they've just forgotten what it's like when you've just had a baby.

Your husband will soon learn!

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:15

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice and support, I’m glad to know I’m not being unreasonable in this case and I feel a lot better after having a rant and getting all your perspectives on it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:17

@AuchAyeTheNo that’s great that you did so well with labor! Did they use a forceps or section on you do you mind me asking? Also, if you don’t mind me asking did your heart medications make a big difference to the labor? I have to meet with an Anaesthetist to discuss mine but it’s not for a few weeks yet so be lovely to hear how you got on with it(I know we are likely on different meds but just in general how you got on) don’t feel you have to answer though!

OP posts:
Newbie1981 · 27/10/2019 17:19

Why don't they want to come to you. That's so weird