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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to visit in-laws with newborn In early weeks

101 replies

Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 15:32

So just to get others opinions on this, the expectation is that I will bring new born to visit in-laws after birth( hours walk away, winter time don’t drive as of yet, likely won’t be fit to anyway after birth) have been fore warned of induction with forceps to shorten second stage, so likely won’t be in great shape after the birth, possible section depending on how the induction goes. Am I being unreasonable to say in advance this isn’t a fair expectation( this would be weekly visits as per before the birth!) also just to add, house is always packed with frequent sickness so to me a recipe for disaster! Did say to partner they can visit us but was met with annoyance at the fact I wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea of visiting in the early weeks, also planning to breast feed and don’t want an audience!

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/10/2019 18:37

Grrr - post-partum period, not post party’s period.

I should proofread. Blush

Italiangreyhound · 27/10/2019 19:20

@Yummymummy2020..

This is total crap.

You and your partner need a serious talk about how he needs to look out for you and baby.

"A doctor in the hospital did actually say the baby would need to be kept away from groups of people till then ect so i might ask the midwife aswell to try drill it in! I’m so angry about it I feel it shouldn’t even be an argument!"

Check out who can visit, e.g. numbers of people and only well people. Decide if you might want new grandparents to come to the hospital or not. I found initial visits at hospital good. But you might not. So promise nothing.

Personally, I'd stop the weekly visits now. Either say you cannot manage them or say nothing.

Personally, I'd tell in-laws you don't know what you will be doing after the birth but doubt you will be doing any walking or visiting in the early days. I'd keep it general, lower their expectations, not rule anything in or out.

Italiangreyhound · 27/10/2019 19:22

OP can I ask how long you've been with your partner?

I'd also start as saving for a car (and driving lessons), it's just so useful.

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/10/2019 19:58

To say the house is busy to put into context in total there are over 20 people visiting when I’m expected to go visit!

Ahhhh.....so your role is to keep their herd mentality status quo and do as is expected of you.
You've fallen in line with the weekly, hour long walk to visit them (or is it 2 hours if you include the return journey?), and now you're expected to do the same as them and their dc.

Your husband is still tied to the apron strings and seems to want to stay that way.

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/10/2019 20:04

by the way, i don't know how you're managing to do the walking-journey when heavily pregnant as i've never been pregnant.
So kudos on you for doing it - but come on!

Why does your husband react like a dick if you assert yourself and acknowledge your own needs/interests?
It shows a controlling trait of him.

Littlemissdaredevil · 28/10/2019 01:54

@Yummymummy2020 everything is fine now but I was quite bruised for some time!

TheSerenDipitY · 28/10/2019 04:38

start as you mean to go on, you are the gate keeper to that baby so they had best not be pissing you off at this stage
dont ask anyone what you should be doing, tell them what is happening, they can get on board or walk the plank... you WILL be very sore and bleeding like a stick pig, some days far too much to be walking in the cold thats for sure ( think wearing nappies level of bleeding) and if you go forceps you will likely have in addition to pain some nasty stitches , walking wont be on your list of things to do
and if you have a planed section ( which is better then emergency btw) you will feel worn out and sore and constantly thinking each time you bend over your intestines are going to fall out, (they wont but it does feel like that for a while) you really wont want to go walking, even if you think you feel ok you will be so exhausted as it really does take a lot out of you, your body has been growing a human and afterwards needs to grow those muscles back together again and recover all the blood you lost, that take a while, the trauma your body is going thru and is enduring is huge, so give it and your self a break and let your self recover fully before thinking of long walks
and like i said make the rules now and be firm or they will be walking all over you and ignoring you as the incubator, rather than the mother

Nofunkingworriesmate · 28/10/2019 07:30

I had a vaginal delivery with no cuts or forceps and there is no way I could walk for an hour to visit !!! My iron was low and I had to keep stopping in my way to the shops 10 mins away! Even if you feel fine it’s a big ask and I would want to be bound to a routine of doing that every week even by taxi. The only good thing about being the visitor is that you control when you leave. If they come to you make sure oh has agreed time for them to leave

SerafinaPekkola · 28/10/2019 07:45

“ start as you mean to go on, you are the gate keeper to that baby so they had best not be pissing you off at this stage”
Please don’t use the baby as a pawn.

Sleepyhead19 · 28/10/2019 07:54

No. You’ll be tired and not up to walking for two hours, there and back. That’s even after recovery. What an unreasonable expectation.
They come to you. No other option. Don’t give in.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2019 08:27

After my episiotomy I took a pillow everywhere to sit on!

Your DH is an idiot.

Have a few chosen people that come to you. If he wants to still go to his parents he can. On his own. And stay there

Samplesss · 28/10/2019 08:44

I think its fair that he wants his parents to meet their grandchild, but he needs to facilitate it (ie them travelling to you) at a time you're agreeable to, and not be afraid to lay out some rules such as only staying for a few hours. I found forceps recovery fine, but still wouldn't have been up to that walk.

ShipShapeandBristolFashion · 28/10/2019 13:09

The expectation that ANYONE should walk for an hour is huge. Let alone a new mum feeling sore with lots of baby crap to carry! YANBU

Alsohuman · 28/10/2019 16:34

The expectation that ANYONE should walk for an hour is huge.

How the world’s changed, when I was a kid some pupils did that to school every day.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/10/2019 18:52

Indeed, @Alsohuman - as a child, I once walked home in a blizzard, because the school bus had got stuck and just turned us all out into the snow - that took me well over an hour! And some people do longer walks than that for fun - which I find baffling - so ”The expectation that ANYONE should walk for an hour is huge...” is a somewhat hyperbolic statement!

Bluerussian · 28/10/2019 19:06

Walking for an hour when you've not long had a baby - and the op had a C section - is not quite the same thing as walking to school or going for a walk when you feel like it. It will be a while before she feels like doing that but anyway, she shouldn't have to!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/10/2019 19:43

Yes, @Bluerussian - I absolutely agree. Perhaps I should have made that clear.

aynsleyred · 28/10/2019 19:48

I had a forceps delivery 4 weeks ago, I still can’t walk to the end of my driveway without being in pain (had some complications), so I would laugh on the face of anyone they expected me to walk for an hour. If people want to see the baby they should come to you, end of.

theendofsummer · 28/10/2019 20:31

They need to come to you. And only for one hour max. Make sure your partner makes that clear to any visitors.

RibenaMonsoon · 28/10/2019 20:46

I had a pretty straightforward birth with my 2 DCs but I did have second degree tears with both of them.
A few days after I tried walking 15 mins to the shops and cb ame back so sore I swore id only do that again when I was ready.

Walking an hour each way is madness after giving birth! Tell them to take a long run off a short pier!

Alsohuman · 28/10/2019 20:47

ANYONE isn’t confined to someone who’s just had a baby. It’s literally all of us.

MarshaBradyo · 28/10/2019 20:51

Do they drive? They can come to you.

Even if they don’t it’s easier for them to get a taxi you won’t want to without a baby seat.

Tun55 · 28/10/2019 20:58

If anyone even suggested this to me, I’d be banning them for the rest of their lives. Wtf?
Your partner needs a spine. I’d go absolutely wild mental on HIM for even thinking this is ok.
Draw boundaries with your inlaws and make it clear they need to be reasonable with their expectations. If they act funny, ask them to fcuk off.

lynzpynz · 28/10/2019 20:58

Might be worth having a quiet word with your doc / midwife / nurse if you don't feel able to tackle this head on, and get them to loudly explain to hubby you're not to travel for the first few weeks after birth at very least due to risk of heavy bleeding. No long walks or running for 6 weeks after. Might buy you some time and I'm sure if you explain it's causing you distress they'll be happy to have a word to help you?

stucknoue · 28/10/2019 21:05

Is there any reason they cannot visit you? (Eg one is a wheelchair user, disability and no public transport etc) if not it's quite reasonable to say that until you are recovered from the birth you won't be walking over but they are free to visit you if they call first. The length of time you need varies a lot from person to person, I was back on my feet within 24 hours and walking an hour in 4-5 days but I had a very straightforward delivery and was relatively young

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