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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to visit in-laws with newborn In early weeks

101 replies

Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 15:32

So just to get others opinions on this, the expectation is that I will bring new born to visit in-laws after birth( hours walk away, winter time don’t drive as of yet, likely won’t be fit to anyway after birth) have been fore warned of induction with forceps to shorten second stage, so likely won’t be in great shape after the birth, possible section depending on how the induction goes. Am I being unreasonable to say in advance this isn’t a fair expectation( this would be weekly visits as per before the birth!) also just to add, house is always packed with frequent sickness so to me a recipe for disaster! Did say to partner they can visit us but was met with annoyance at the fact I wasn’t enthusiastic about the idea of visiting in the early weeks, also planning to breast feed and don’t want an audience!

OP posts:
Drabarni · 27/10/2019 17:20

Why are you doing it every week atm?
They aren't your parents, where is dh in all this? Tell him it won't be happening and they can come to you after a few days for a quick cuppa, if he is there to entertain them.
Please don't be dictated to by anyone, you are the one having the baby, not your dh, or your ils.

Cryalot2 · 27/10/2019 17:21

Flowers good wishes with the delivery.
It is wrong to expect you and the new baby to go to a house full of 20 people some distance away.
Can you have a private word with your care team and get them to tell your dh that you will need rest and care for a period after having the baby .?
He needs to be told that he will wait hand and foot on you.

AuchAyeTheNo · 27/10/2019 17:28

@Yummymummy

I had forceps with an episiotomy and then stitches. I won’t lie it hurt like hell for weeks after but it was easier for me to mobilise than just lie down. I had to change the doses of my meds while pregnant. My labour came ridiculously quick and caused a bit of a stir.

I made no decisions on visiting while I was pregnant, just say you will see how you feel. That way no one can try and make you feel guilty over previous promises. People will get a visit when they get a visit.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2019 17:39

Some men have a revelation when they support their partner through a birth. You're both first-timers so although he's acting like an arse, it may just be that he doesn't understand. However, if he's being an arse after the birth you will need to set him straight.

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:42

@Newbie1981 I suppose tradition, it’s just been everyone meets there as long as I remember! A tradition that will have to be broken though from my end for the near future I think though!

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 27/10/2019 17:44

If you break ranks someone will follow.

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:45

@Cryalot2 Thank you! yes I think I will have to say it to the care team to make a point of emphasising what I need to do when I get home, I’m also hoping the pre natal classes talk about it too so that he understands we will need a bit of time at home to settle in and heal!

OP posts:
Newbie1981 · 27/10/2019 17:47

Gosh @Yummymummy2020 well good for you, break the tradition. Some people just think the world revolves around them!

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:48

@AuchAyeTheNo thanks so much for sharing that! A bit of me hopes I go into spontaneous labor (of course as far away as possible so baby is ok) rather than going in for the induction as they were saying with inductions There is a higher risk of emergency c sections, and it would be lovely to just avoid that, but to be fair like yourself I think there would be a bit of panic all round if things happened naturally and they were not the ones to start things off!!!

OP posts:
blahblahblahblahhh · 27/10/2019 17:49

No sure if you've said, but is there a reason why they can't come to you - when you're ready of course?

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:50

@AuchAyeTheNo I should clarify, time wise as far away as possible that sounded like I wanted to elope to give birth (as tempting as that also is!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 17:51

@blahblahblahblahhh not at all, I suppose it’s that it won’t be their home as such and a big gathering as we live in an apartment and so there wouldn’t be enough space for everyone to come at once(a good thing in the circumstances for me but potentially bothers them)

OP posts:
MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/10/2019 17:52

OP, have you given any thought to how soon you want visitors after the birth. Will loads turn up at the hospital as you’re trying to have some time with your baby? You need to think about these things.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2019 17:58

@AuchAyeTheNo and as I said, if you were walking an hour each way a week after you gave birth you're a better woman than me! Especially if the only reason was cos they didn't wa t to visit you as opposed to having to for medical reasons.

Original poster
Yummymummy2020 · 27/10/2019 18:01

@MrGsFancyNewVagina i have been thinking about it a lot, I don’t want to be mean as such and disappoint people, but If it is a traumatic birth and I’m sore, I don’t think I’d really want many visitors at all to be honest! Especially being my first and wanting to get the hang of breast feeding and that. I suppose not really knowing what condition I’ll be in it’s kind of hard to tell, a lot of people say it’s better to get them out of the way in the hospital which Is a great point since the staff have time limits as such and they have to go home at particular times, but in saying that if I am unlucky and in a bad way I probably will only want my other half there at the very start! I certainly wouldn’t want a crowd of visitors though!

OP posts:
ilovehalloween · 27/10/2019 18:06

@Yummymummy2020 I thought it was better to get grandparents visits out of the way in hospital. I had a pretty traumatic birth but you're on kind of a hormonal high for a couple of days afterwards, you don't have to host anyone in hospital and the time of visits are limited.
Days 3/4 after birth when my milk was coming in I was so emotional and an anxious mess and didn't want to see anyone.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/10/2019 18:10

You could limit it to parents/grandparents only, but only let them know AFTER you’ve given birth, so you can get some time with your baby. You need to get into the habit of not getting back to them for longer and longer periods of time, if they start ringing you nearer the birth and tell your husband you’ll never forgive him if he goes over your head.

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/10/2019 18:10

Your in laws are being unreasonable expecting you to visit with the baby, but have you or your DP invited them to yours? If not then voice that expectation now.

ProseccoIsTheAnswerHere · 27/10/2019 18:11

To say the house is busy to put into context in total there are over 20 people visiting when I’m expected to go visit

No fucking way.

My in-laws tricked me once, picked me up and took me to their own mothers house. That was fine.
And then weirdly people just kept “popping in”
Soon the house was full of people who had actually been invited and prewarned I was coming. I’ve never felt so overwhelmed and no one would hand the baby over, being passed around relentlessly. I didn’t have DH either, he was working, so I was miles from home and swamped.

I’ve had trust issues with them ever since.

ilovehalloween · 27/10/2019 18:14

Don't go somewhere that many people will be.
5 days after ds was born my DH family came to visit; there was 10 of them at once, it was overwhelming and they are nice people that were quite respectful over not holding him for too long etc. They were round for 2 hours and I just wasn't feeling great, it was too loud and I just wanted to be alone with my baby tbh.

Letsnotusemyname · 27/10/2019 18:15

After my wife’s section she did well to walk across the room.

I’m a bit rusty on this - 30 years on - but isn't pram pushing, lifting/carrying etc somewhat frowned upon - at least initially.

All the best.

justsotiredallthetime · 27/10/2019 18:18

@Yummymummy2020 - I think it's likely you will have an episiotomy with forceps. I didn't have forceps but I did have an episiotomy, and you don't be walking anywhere that's 5 mins away let alone an hour away for a few weeks! Bloody selfish in-laws and other half! I'd be fucking fuming at that expectation!

MulticolourMophead · 27/10/2019 18:26

Sometimes, you're not in the hospital long enough to "get the visits out the way". And also, some hospitals are lax on visiting hours, and visitors can outstay their welcome.

But it's down to you and how you feel. And once baby is here, any previous patterns in visiting are out the window, that's life and they can deal with that.

Given you have pre-existing conditions, are likely to have some form of birth injury, want to establish breast feeding, etc, they can get off their arses and come to you. In small groups, with no snotty, infectious people allowed.

Start as you mean to go on, and maybe knock the weekly visits on the head now, have a headache next time one is due, break the expectations.

HollowTalk · 27/10/2019 18:35

Every birth is different, but there is hardly any woman in the world who would want to walk for an hour to go to a house full of very selfish people, whether they've just give birth or not.

Your partner and his family need to manage their expectations. Start now by missing out every other visit. Let him go alone. After the birth have a quiet word with the midwife or health visitor and have her tell him that you mustn't walk too far or put the baby in a room with people who have colds etc. It's commonsense but he seems to be lacking in that.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/10/2019 18:36

@Yummymummy2020 - I would show your dp a picture of the forceps they use, preferably with something else in the picture, for scale, and ask him if he’d be up to an hour’s walk after having them shoved up his arse to pull a melon out!

I used to be a nurse, and I am 100% sure your midwife would agree with me that you will recover much more quickly from the birth if you look after yourself - as much rest as you can manage with a newborn, a healthy diet, and gentle exercise within the limits of your discomfort - which might just mean pottering around the house at first, or a gentle walk down the road and back, weather permitting - but is highly unlikely to include an hour’s hike there and back to the in-laws! You will be the best person to decide what your body can cope with in the post party period - and it’s probably better to do a bit too little than to overdo things - so don’t do the walk to the in-laws until you are sure you are fully fit for it.

Tell your dh that he needs to understand the importance of the post party’s period - the fourth trimester, it is called, in some books - and his responsibility is to look after his family, which means you and the baby, not his parents.