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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a single male friend for a *ahem* "favour"

109 replies

100NameChange · 27/10/2019 15:05

I have endometriosis and had a 3rd excision surgery 2 months ago.

I'm very nervous to have sex because I was obviously sore down there before/very sore afterwards while recovering. I've now made this into a big thing in my head. The last 2 times I had surgery I had a boyfriend so I had someone comfortable to test the waters with.

I'm terrified of meeting someone new or someone I don't know and having the pressure of trying to impress in bed for the first time/them potentially not understanding my situation. I don't even know how long it'll be until I meet someone and meanwhile this anxiety is growing in my head.

I've tried toys and such but it's never the "same" in terms of testing out whether things will be painful.

I just want to test the waters with someone I'm comfortable with and trust and I'm not sure what to do. I know it sounds ridiculous but I have a couple of single male friends who fully know my situation and I was considering asking them if they'd be willing to "help me out" so I can get past the first hurdle and know where I stand.

But how can I ask one of my good male friends who I've never been even remotely romantic with to have one off sex with me, it's just ridiculous. I have a feeling they'd tell me to jog on anyway. I'm so stuck at how to get past this hurdle.

I know the consultant will be asking how things are with respect to that too and I would love to know whether the surgery has worked in that respect.

Ugh ☹️

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2019 18:30

Sex surrogacy is more like a niche area of therapy than traditional prostitution

How does one become a qualified sex surrogate?

CodenameVillanelle · 27/10/2019 18:32

Sex surrogacy is more like a niche area of therapy than traditional prostitution.

If you're being paid to fuck someone then you're in prostitution. You can fancy it up all you like but that's the fact.

MonsterMashedSpud · 27/10/2019 18:37

Switched scenario:

Man: “I’ve had an operation on my left ball and I need to see if it hurts while humping. Can I test my testicles on you?”
Woman friend: slap

BalloonWhisk · 27/10/2019 18:41

Maybe I'm being naive but that's my opinion. If there's honesty and transparency on both sides and the conversation is respectful then why not?

Because 'Hey old platonic friend, I don't fancy you and never have, but how about we have once-off, no-strings friend-sex so I can use your cock as a tester for all the proper not-friend sex I might have in the future if your testcock doesn't cause me the pain I fear it might' is a really, really unappealing prospect?

(OP, I realise you've given up the idea, but I'm responding to the people who think it would be a fine thing to ask a friend.)

MollyMinniesMum · 27/10/2019 18:42

@HollowTalk depends on which withdrawal agreement they use 🤣🤣🤣

BalloonWhisk · 27/10/2019 18:42

@MonsterMashedSpud, exactly. Grin

MonsterMashedSpud · 27/10/2019 18:44

I saw a programme on sexual surrogates/therapists. They work with people over a longer time period, working through issues surrounding sex.

The guy in the show hadn’t had sex and was about 40. His sex surrogate was around 60 but he didn’t mind. The female patient though didn’t like her sex surrogates clammy hands or his breath. She decided to leave the therapy and found a man she liked in real life.

MummyGigi · 27/10/2019 18:50

@100NameChange my sister had the same problem for years. She had 3 surgeries in total. Waited a few months and she was fine so I think you're over thinking it a bit.
Just bear in mind if you do ask your male friend for that favour, you'll forever change the dynamics.
I personally wouldn't ask them just because it may ruin a good friendship as we'll complicate things further.
Men aren't like us in. They're far more stupid when it comes sex (no offence men).
Just go on tinder and have a few shags and block them afterwards. Who cares what they think. This is about you and not about them so no awkwardness involved. If it hurts during tell them to stop.
Don't stress about it so much honestly, it's fine and you'll be fine but PLEASE don't ask any of your male friends. You'll have a lot more to deal with afterward and that is far more stressful than what you're currently going through. X

Crystal87 · 27/10/2019 18:55

But why do you need to be able to have sex until you actually meet someone to have sex with? Doing it for the sake of it is weird.

MummyGigi · 27/10/2019 19:00

@100NameChange please ignore the insults. If you want to have sex 10 times a day with 10 different men and no one is getting hurt, you're an adult and you can do wtf you want without having to explain yourself.
Some people are clearly uptight and only have sex with men they're in love with. No doubt they also have cobwebs by the time they find their 'loveM worthy of their vagina. What a joke!
Go and have safe sex without any hang ups but please NOT with your friends. Purely on the basis that the relationship will change.
I hope you have a lot of fun in the process! X

Dutch1e · 27/10/2019 19:38

How does one become a qualified sex surrogate?

I suppose that was a bit sarcastic but it's still a fair question! I honestly have no idea, only that I've always had the impression it's a therapeutic process (mentioned a bit upthread) rather than a casual one-off generic shag.

Dutch1e · 27/10/2019 19:41

If you're being paid to fuck someone then you're in prostitution. You can fancy it up all you like but that's the fact.

Ok, if you like. You seem quite passionate about this, sex work must bother you.

SmallAndHumble · 27/10/2019 19:47

I would also definitely call an ex.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/10/2019 20:28

Ok, if you like. You seem quite passionate about this, sex work must bother you.

Yes it does, as a feminist I have huge issues with the concept.

MummyGigi · 27/10/2019 20:45

@CodenameVillanelle as a feminist wouldn't you be in support of a woman doing as she wishes with her body?
She's not being objectified if she chooses that as a profession. She's also free to do as she wills with her body so if she wants to sell it for sex and that's her empowerment then why would you oppose that?
There isn't a 'one hat fits all' in feminism. It's more 'I can wear multiple hats when I choose'.
🤔

MummyGigi · 27/10/2019 20:48

@CodenameVillanelle admittedly it's a bit creepy

Woodlandwitch · 27/10/2019 20:53

If I was in the same situation and had a male friend that cared for me that I could trust not to make things weird I would just come out with it and ask by explaining why you need your help.

BalloonWhisk · 27/10/2019 20:53

@MummyGigi, not all choices made by women are feminist, as is surely obvious. It’s not some kind of catch-all justification for ‘choices’ which contribute to the objectification of women as a class.

SellingHouse · 27/10/2019 20:56

Meet someone online?

MummyGigi · 27/10/2019 21:04

@BalloonWhisk I agree

CodenameVillanelle · 27/10/2019 21:09

as a feminist wouldn't you be in support of a woman doing as she wishes with her body?

That's not feminism. A choice isn't a feminist choice just because a woman makes it.

She's not being objectified if she chooses that as a profession.

That's not how objectification works.

She's also free to do as she wills with her body so if she wants to sell it for sex and that's her empowerment then why would you oppose that?

She may be free to sell sex but that doesn't make it empowering (empowering means 'confers power'. Selling sex doesn't confer power to women; on the contrary it leaves them extremely vulnerable to abuse and harm). I oppose women being prostituted because the majority of prostituted women have experienced child sexual abuse, rape, foster care, drug addiction or domestic violence and prostitution perpetuates the harm and abuse that vulnerable women have already experienced.

Isitnearlyweekend · 27/10/2019 21:22

So basically you just want to use a man to see if sex is painful. I can just imagine the uproar if this post was the other way round!

Dutch1e · 28/10/2019 09:34

Yes it does, as a feminist I have huge issues with the concept.

Implying that anyone who has no issue with sex work is anti-feminist?

ShipShapeandBristolFashion · 28/10/2019 17:17

It sounds like you think you’re in some silly chick flick. Very immature. It’s a stupid idea.

InTheTempest · 28/10/2019 17:31

I would go on tinder/bumble. Not hard to find someone on there for something like this ...