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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a single male friend for a *ahem* "favour"

109 replies

100NameChange · 27/10/2019 15:05

I have endometriosis and had a 3rd excision surgery 2 months ago.

I'm very nervous to have sex because I was obviously sore down there before/very sore afterwards while recovering. I've now made this into a big thing in my head. The last 2 times I had surgery I had a boyfriend so I had someone comfortable to test the waters with.

I'm terrified of meeting someone new or someone I don't know and having the pressure of trying to impress in bed for the first time/them potentially not understanding my situation. I don't even know how long it'll be until I meet someone and meanwhile this anxiety is growing in my head.

I've tried toys and such but it's never the "same" in terms of testing out whether things will be painful.

I just want to test the waters with someone I'm comfortable with and trust and I'm not sure what to do. I know it sounds ridiculous but I have a couple of single male friends who fully know my situation and I was considering asking them if they'd be willing to "help me out" so I can get past the first hurdle and know where I stand.

But how can I ask one of my good male friends who I've never been even remotely romantic with to have one off sex with me, it's just ridiculous. I have a feeling they'd tell me to jog on anyway. I'm so stuck at how to get past this hurdle.

I know the consultant will be asking how things are with respect to that too and I would love to know whether the surgery has worked in that respect.

Ugh ☹️

OP posts:
BadSun · 27/10/2019 16:15

If a platonic friend asked me to have sex with them, but "it's not about getting sexual pleasure, it's about seeing if I can have sex without being collapsed on the floor in pain afterwards" I would probably never be able to look at them again

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 27/10/2019 16:16

I’m pretty sure they’d jump at the chance

Really? Unless they’re hiding some romantic feelings for OP I doubt it. I wouldn’t jump at the chance of having sex with someone I didn’t fancy so they could see if their genitals hurt or not! I’d be insulted to be asked.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 27/10/2019 16:17

I wouldn't.

Even if they are keen, it will completely change the nature of your relationship.

LinoVentura · 27/10/2019 16:23

Man's perspective: if a female friend asked me I don't think I would mind at all provided:

she was not offended if I said no
she asked me first if I had a woman in my life and did not proceed with the suggestion if I did already have someone
she explained the situation clearly, in a matter of fact manner, so there was no misunderstanding i.e. it could not be misconstrued as an offer of a relationship or a FWB situation

Maybe I'm being naive but that's my opinion. If there's honesty and transparency on both sides and the conversation is respectful then why not?

overnightangel · 27/10/2019 16:24

“What is a sexual surrogate?”

A whore

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2019 16:24

That’s just your opinion. Men aren’t a hive mind.

overnightangel · 27/10/2019 16:26

“I’m pretty sure they’d jump at the chance”

Based on what?! 😂
Is the OP a supermodel or are you just assuming all men will shag owt Confused

Bellringer · 27/10/2019 16:28

I'm thinking if you feel like this it's a bit too soon.

SimonJT · 27/10/2019 16:28

If any of my friends made that proposition it would be 100% no.

Use a sex toy, yes it’s different to sex, but how on earth would you be nicely relaxed etc when you’re about to shag a random mate that you probably don’y fancy and don’t actually want to have sex with them?!

bevelino · 27/10/2019 16:31

Could you imagine if a guy asked this same question on here.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/10/2019 16:33

tricky!

penisbeakers · 27/10/2019 16:39
Biscuit
Stompythedinosaur · 27/10/2019 16:44

Sounds awkward to me. Maybe just wait until you have a trusting relationship with someone you would like to have sex with?

Original poster
100NameChange · 27/10/2019 16:44

@AllNewDownThere I'm so sorry you've had to go through all that :( x

Thank you for all the useful responses.

And just to clarify, if I actually did ask (WHICH I'M NOT) and a male friend decided to jump at the chance I would absolutely NOT go ahead with it.

This was on the basis that I was completely honest with them what was going on and why I'm asking. And of course I would have made sure that there was no other woman involved and not at all be offended if they were uncomfortable or said no. I wasn't about to consider pressuring someone into having sex they don't want. Never ever in a million years.

I'm not doing this anyway. I'm not risking my friendships. I accept it was an unreasonable thought.

OP posts:
ginghamtablecloths · 27/10/2019 17:01

Wouldn't it be better to wait until you're in a relationship with someone who cares about you? Old fashioned, perhaps.

As it's been said before, 'the men don't mind and the boys don't matter.'

A platonic male friend may get the wrong idea and it could bring about all manner of new problems.

What does it matter if you don't have anything to tell the doctor? They've seen it all before and I'm sure it won't be a problem.

Lovemusic33 · 27/10/2019 17:11

I wouldn’t as you could ruin the friendship. Either wait until you find someone who you feel comfortable enough with to explain your situation or hook up with someone for a bit of fun (Tinder) but I would go for the first option.

Bluerussian · 27/10/2019 17:16

Don't ask them, it will spoil the friendship. I think you'll be fine when you meet someone you can't wait to get into the sack with! All your worries will fade.

If the doctor asks you anything just say you're on your own at the moment.

bellabolla · 27/10/2019 17:22

Is this for real??

MollyMinniesMum · 27/10/2019 17:26

It’s about as good an idea as Brexit

HollowTalk · 27/10/2019 17:37

Grin @MollyMinniesMum, but in five years' time both the OP and her friend would have forgotten about it - they wouldn't still be suffering the consequences!

bpirockin · 27/10/2019 17:39

I'd maybe go with the ex idea, but not a friend - it would change the dynamics of what you have. I like the idea if I'm honest, but suspect, in my case, I'd just start laughing and be incapable anyway. Personally, I'd have thought a toy would give you a good enough indication.

CAG12 · 27/10/2019 17:40

"Hi can we have sex to test out if im sore"?

No.

SunshineCake · 27/10/2019 17:42

I must be odd as I'm thinking by the time you meet someone new and get to the sex part if you can't talk to them about this and trust them to be slow and gentle, then should you be getting naked with them ?

Wait and meet someone decent. You can't ask a friend and an ex is generally not worth going back to.

Thankssomuch · 27/10/2019 17:53

So imagine a guy saying to a female friend “I’ve had some physical problems and need to see if my penis still works, could you have sex with me so I can check?” This clearly isn’t a genuine post OP it’s too ridiculous.

Dutch1e · 27/10/2019 18:29

Sex surrogacy is more like a niche area of therapy than traditional prostitution. I have no problem with either field, just seems fair to get it right.