Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask a single male friend for a *ahem* "favour"

109 replies

100NameChange · 27/10/2019 15:05

I have endometriosis and had a 3rd excision surgery 2 months ago.

I'm very nervous to have sex because I was obviously sore down there before/very sore afterwards while recovering. I've now made this into a big thing in my head. The last 2 times I had surgery I had a boyfriend so I had someone comfortable to test the waters with.

I'm terrified of meeting someone new or someone I don't know and having the pressure of trying to impress in bed for the first time/them potentially not understanding my situation. I don't even know how long it'll be until I meet someone and meanwhile this anxiety is growing in my head.

I've tried toys and such but it's never the "same" in terms of testing out whether things will be painful.

I just want to test the waters with someone I'm comfortable with and trust and I'm not sure what to do. I know it sounds ridiculous but I have a couple of single male friends who fully know my situation and I was considering asking them if they'd be willing to "help me out" so I can get past the first hurdle and know where I stand.

But how can I ask one of my good male friends who I've never been even remotely romantic with to have one off sex with me, it's just ridiculous. I have a feeling they'd tell me to jog on anyway. I'm so stuck at how to get past this hurdle.

I know the consultant will be asking how things are with respect to that too and I would love to know whether the surgery has worked in that respect.

Ugh ☹️

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 27/10/2019 15:24

Also, I've had excision surgeries and an instrumental delivery with manual removal of placenta. Everyone is different and everyone's body is different but it might give you some reassurance to know sex didn't hurt afterwards

ChristaMSieland · 27/10/2019 15:24

But how can I ask one of my good male friends who I've never been even remotely romantic with to have one off sex with me, it's just ridiculous.

Yes it is. You could ruin a friendship.

Just wait until you're better and you meet someone. Try to meet someone nice, take your time, warn them.

RopeBrick · 27/10/2019 15:25

Jesus Christ. Of course don't ask them that.

Original poster
100NameChange · 27/10/2019 15:27

@amiapropermum thank you for this, but did sex hurt for you before the excisions? Because for me it did. And I know you run the risk of new surgical adhesions and pain after each op.

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 27/10/2019 15:29

Yes, it did. There was a lot of pulling on adhesions. I know the exisions are in different places on everybody though

amiapropermum · 27/10/2019 15:30

Excisions even!

Original poster
100NameChange · 27/10/2019 15:30

@amiapropermum thank you so much I'm so glad to read this!!

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 27/10/2019 15:30

I also suggest that you don’t ask an ex unless you know for a fact they are single themselves

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2019 15:31

I'm just wondering how many inboxes the OP is going to get with offers of 'help'.

< Shudders >

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 27/10/2019 15:32

If you have no partner or husband (which it sounds like you don't) why not leave it then ?
Im not being argumentative here but I see no point .

By the time you DO meet a DP you should be fine .

Dutch1e · 27/10/2019 15:32

If you're close enough that your friend knows every detail of the endo etc then you're probably close enough to talk with them about this. If you've not been comfortable enough to share all the details then I suppose you have your answer.

PenguinBollard · 27/10/2019 15:35

@100NameChange

I have endometriosis (still waiting treatment) and I can attest to the pain during sex doesn't help that OH is... Er... Large

Why are you so concerned about sex with a new partner? It's never going to be perfect, it'll always be awkward anyway and likely more gentle because it's the first time - and you can ask them to stop if you get uncomfortable, or switch positions.

It's not a big deal, and any man worth his salt would understand. If anything, it's a good way of filtering out the arse holes.

Cocojumbo · 27/10/2019 15:36

Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't dildos usually bigger than real penises? (Or maybe I haven't been lucky enough Grin )
If you are ok with dildo, you'll be fine with the real thing.

Original poster
100NameChange · 27/10/2019 15:36

@PenguinBollard that's a good way of thinking of it. Thank you. I've just had a bit of a meltdown these past couple of days wondering whether I'll be able to have a decent sex life or whether I'm destined to be alone forever for this reason :(

OP posts:
PookieDo · 27/10/2019 15:39

It’s not fair on the friend. If they hurt you they would feel awful about it

Original poster
100NameChange · 27/10/2019 15:40

Thank you everyone!! I completely get it and a moment of madness thought I made has swiftly been binned.

OP posts:
AllNewDownThere · 27/10/2019 15:42

I don’t know what the right answer is here but I wanted to share my experience with you.

Two years ago I ended my marriage which had been sexless for 8 years.

One year ago I had an extensive pelvic floor repair. And not to be gross but this involved an incision down the length of the back of my vagina and most of the front.

I have a pretty high sex drive and spent a lot of time and money on toys. But sex felt very much like it was something that was not for me anymore as I was old, unlovable and mutilated.

I also had a fuck ton of therapy.

Last week I had sex for the first time in almost ten years. And much to my surprise, nobody died.

I started dating about two months ago and I was very upfront with everyone about what had happen to me. Every single person reassured me that they would be gentle and were very understanding. (Or at least as much as they could be)

And in the end, it just felt like the time was right and I was ready.

I hope you’re able to find a way through this. No matter what happened you should be able to be a sexual and sensual person.

And also, if you just looking for a hook up, try fabswingers. You’ve got to wade through a lot of cock pictures but it’s an environment where everyone is pretty honest.

TheBouquets · 27/10/2019 15:43

Don't ask a male friend, or get a sexual surrogate. That is not going to be a wise move. You and the friend would never be the same again and a sexual surrogate would be horrible.
Wait for the right man to come along. If there are any problems he will be understanding and considerate.
If you really want to check out how your internals are, what about asking your practice nurse to insert several different sizes of speculums.

Mamabear1988 · 27/10/2019 15:44

Why would you try and impress someone in bed who had no respect for you? If they don't understand your situation and are not actually giving a shit about how you feel then ot sounds like they are a waste of space anyway.... I'd just wait until the right person comes along!

starfishmummy · 27/10/2019 15:59

ISmellBabies

That has to be one of the best posts ever!!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 27/10/2019 15:59

A sexual surrogate is most certainly NOT a prostitute. But by all means make facile generalisations.

I know sexual surrogates, and I know prostitutes. They perform different services. The surrogates I know usually work with sick or disabled people, and there is typically a goal in mind, even if only to experience pleasure for the first time in their lives.

PurpleDaisies · 27/10/2019 16:00

A sexual surrogate is most certainly NOT a prostitute.

They aren’t paid for sex?

Illberidingshotgun · 27/10/2019 16:05

TBH it might not even solve the issue for you. Presumably you have no idea of your male friends "dimensions". One could agree and be smaller than average length and/or width wise, and sex might not be uncomfortable. You could then meet a well endowed partner and it could hurt. It could also work the other way - your friend may have an impressive appendage (send him over here if that's the case...) and it could hurt and put you off. Technique and consideration for your partner could also play a significant part in the whole thing.

Tell your consultant that you have no way of knowing if things are ok down there, and ask them if there is anything to indicate that there may be some pain or difficulty afterwards. There's nothing wrong with being worried about this, and do consider some counselling if you feel it would be beneficial and if this is likely to stop you dating.

Intravenousbitch · 27/10/2019 16:12

Are you asking them both for a threesome I would think it would be fun

BananaBooBoo · 27/10/2019 16:14

ISmellBabies So funny!!!!