To think that I can make my relationship work for the long term by being committed but not living together?

[thepeopleversuswork]

Not really an AIBU but just canvassing views: I'm coming around to the idea that having a committed relationship living apart may be the key for my long-term happiness. Interested to know how this has worked for others.

Background is that I was married for nearly 11 years: the last 4-5 years were awful due to emotional abuse and alcoholism on his part and was really delighted when ex moved out. I have a wonderful DD (9) and am pretty sorted and love living just with her.

Have a new(ish) boyfriend (been together about a year) who I'm very fond of, he's very kind and respectful and lovely but I can't imagine I'd want to live with a man again. I don't want to do anything that would destabilise my daughter's security and happiness so its not going to happen in the short term anyway, but even if that weren't an issue I feel real antipathy to the compromise that would go hand in hand with cohabitation again.

I would hate to share finances and don't want to jeopardise my daughter's financial independence or inheritance. I also find the idea of the general compromise that couples have to make day to day (ie over what food to make, sharing a TV) really stressful, and its been my experience that sex isn't improved by cohabitation. I just can't see the upside for me really other than a short term economic and convenience benefit which would probably work against me over the long term.

BF and I talked about living together for the first time recently (in conceptual as opposed to specific terms). He wasn't strongly against the idea of living apart but seemed nonplussed by it and said isn't it "inevitable" that people who love one another eventually want to live together.

I really feel that it shouldn't be inevitable and told him that. I've made it very clear that cohabitation isn't on the cards in the medium term anyway due to DD and he's fine with that, but after that conversation I came away with the strong feeling that despite loving being with him, I never want to live with him.

Wondering how much of my reluctance is down to the fact that my last experience of cohabitation was coloured by my ex's poor behaviour, or whether I just intrinsically like living alone and need to go with it and own it. And wonder whether anyone has positive experiences of this working out well over a very long period? (ie forever).

bump. Anyone?

I know a couple who are married and have no intention of living together. If you're both on the same page there is no reason why it won't work out.

Finchy interesting: they're actually married? Wasn't thinking of that. Are they happy?

I feel pretty much the same. My bf and I both have dc, I don't see any benefits to us all living together only issues.

They are both very happy. They are independent and like their own space so it works well for them they stay over a few nights a week but still have their own time too. I think it sounds fantastic if I'm honest!

I think it can work for some people but the key issue here is that it doesn't sound like it will work for your boyfriend. Tbh, it wouldn't work for me either so maybe you just need to find someone who thinks the same way as you do

By not work for him, he agreed to medium term but you now know you don't want to live together

My aunt and her partner have been a together 17 years now, married for 12, and have never lived together.
They're probably the most harmonious and happy couple I know.

3 years into a happy and committed relationship bit no plans to live together for at least another 10 years til my kids will be grown. Similar reasons as a pp... Security and financial independence plus I've grown used to my own space, no compromise required. We have a great time when we're together and he comes round if i need practical help but we each get plenty of time just ti do what we want. Also I'm not interested in a blended family. I think so long as you are happy with it, dont get put off by what a relationship 'should' be

I know exactly what you mean OP. I'm almost divorced, just getting myself out of a financial hole and loving having my own place. Kids are settled and have said that they wouldn't want anyone else here all the time. I don't want to abandon my financial independence or share my home with anyone again. I do however want to find someone special to share my life with- quality time at weekends, evenings, holidays, special occasions, a loving sexual partner. I don't want the issues that come with living with someone but I would love to have a committed relationship. Hoping I'll find someone at some point but if I had to choose between being single & living with someone I'd choose independence without a doubt.

I have always thought that if OH and me should split up, I wouldn't want to live with anyone else again. Living in separate homes is a sensible solution imo (as long as you don't have any kids together ). I can think of at least three couples in long term relationships who don't live together, it seems an attractive solution to me.

Yanbu. I actually think lots of people would be happier to live like this, and only don't because it's not the social norm.

BarbedBloom not sure if it wouldn't work for him: I didn't ask the question explicitly and he seemed confused by my take on it and I didn't push it. The impression I got was that he expected me to want eventually to move in (because usually this is driven by the woman) and that he hadn't thought of the idea before. I know he's lived with people before and not had a particularly great experience with it. Perhaps I need to ask the question explicitly.

arethereanyleft I totally agree with this. I think unless you have kids together there are so many benefits to living apart and so few to living together that I can't really see why anyone would put themself through it. I think its purely down to people feeling that its a goal that all couples need to work towards and not really questioning.

Angrybird thank you: this is really uplifting and encouraging. I wish more people felt like this. There's still so much of other people's social expectations built into what relationships should be like and I feel like cohabitation is one of the big myths of a happy relationship. In my experience (and from looking at others) it just seems like a big millstone of obligation and people are so much happier when they get away from it.

But again, I can't help wondering if my view is coloured by having had a particularly bad experience.

I'm in the same boat as you op. Been with my chap for about a year and a half and I've 3 dc from a prev marriage. No way would I be living with anyone else!

I think that cohabitation is mostly motivated by
a) financial necessity driven by housing costs,
b) the practicalities of childcare,
c) social expectations, and
d) in some cases insecurity.

If none of these are significant factors for you then I wouldn't think twice about it. Living apart (albeit not too far) has endless benefits. From experience walking distance (ie about a mile) is ideal. And if you feel differently about it in time moving in together is a whole lot easier than one of you moving out.

This is really interesting. Those that are married/know people that are married but don't live together, how does it work in a financial sense?

Traditionally marriage involves pooling resources, but if you don't live together I assume finances are also kept separate? And in the event of a divorce you each walk away and keep your respective homes?

Mushroomtea agree I'm intrigued as to how/why that works...

On the one hand great that people are getting into such progressive and positive marriages. But at the end of the day marriage is just a financial contract to protect the woman while she's unable to provide for herself during child-rearing: if you have your own assets and financial independence why would you do something which jeopardises those assets? Doesn't make any sense to me...

Fiddlesticks I think your analysis is spot on.

I wouldn't give it another second thought if my BF hadn't made me wonder if I was BU.

I think it definitely can work, but only if both parties are happy with it. If one party wants to live with the other, it's just going to breed resentment in the long run.

I'm in the same position OP and DP and I have been talking about it. We've only been together a year too (although went out before that) so I think it's still early days.

Like you, I like my own space, and I can't imagine sharing my home again. When we talked about it, my DP admitted he liked his space too. So we've parked it for a while. I also have children and I really have doubts about moving anyone in while they're at home. It's their space and I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.

So we're leaving it for a while.

Sorry no real answer- but you've only been seeing him a year and I think it takes a lot longer than that to really know a person.

I would only live with someone again if one of us had a huge fucking Palais de Versailles house.

It is quite appealing to me that me and DP could pool our resources to buy a lovely house!

We'd need separate bedrooms and many living areas just so we have our own space.

My idol is my mate's mum, who has a long term partner (20 yearsish) and a big old tumbledown house exactly as she wants it. Partner comes over to stay a few nights a week, they have breaks away together and then they retreat to their own space whenever they need. If I ever split up from dh I woyld have this exact setup!

AnnaNimmity totally agree. Moving in is totally off the cards for the foreseeable anyway -- would only happen if/when DD was totally comfortable with it and I can't see that even coming up for discussion at least another year if at all.

It's more that fundamental question about whether living together is the best way for couples to be together. Increasingly I feel it is the way forward for me but there's so much pressure on a couple to move towards cohabitation its sometimes hard to pick what you really want from what society tells you you ought to want.