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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I can make my relationship work for the long term by being committed but not living together?

91 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 27/10/2019 11:46

Not really an AIBU but just canvassing views: I'm coming around to the idea that having a committed relationship living apart may be the key for my long-term happiness. Interested to know how this has worked for others.

Background is that I was married for nearly 11 years: the last 4-5 years were awful due to emotional abuse and alcoholism on his part and was really delighted when ex moved out. I have a wonderful DD (9) and am pretty sorted and love living just with her.

Have a new(ish) boyfriend (been together about a year) who I'm very fond of, he's very kind and respectful and lovely but I can't imagine I'd want to live with a man again. I don't want to do anything that would destabilise my daughter's security and happiness so its not going to happen in the short term anyway, but even if that weren't an issue I feel real antipathy to the compromise that would go hand in hand with cohabitation again.

I would hate to share finances and don't want to jeopardise my daughter's financial independence or inheritance. I also find the idea of the general compromise that couples have to make day to day (ie over what food to make, sharing a TV) really stressful, and its been my experience that sex isn't improved by cohabitation. I just can't see the upside for me really other than a short term economic and convenience benefit which would probably work against me over the long term.

BF and I talked about living together for the first time recently (in conceptual as opposed to specific terms). He wasn't strongly against the idea of living apart but seemed nonplussed by it and said isn't it "inevitable" that people who love one another eventually want to live together.

I really feel that it shouldn't be inevitable and told him that. I've made it very clear that cohabitation isn't on the cards in the medium term anyway due to DD and he's fine with that, but after that conversation I came away with the strong feeling that despite loving being with him, I never want to live with him.

Wondering how much of my reluctance is down to the fact that my last experience of cohabitation was coloured by my ex's poor behaviour, or whether I just intrinsically like living alone and need to go with it and own it. And wonder whether anyone has positive experiences of this working out well over a very long period? (ie forever).

OP posts:
Original poster
thepeopleversuswork · 27/10/2019 18:06

AngryFeminist sounds perfect. That's exactly how I want to live :)

OP posts:
AnnaNimmity · 27/10/2019 18:13

I met someone when I was walking the dog yesterday who doesn't live with her husband - they have a dd together but she has older children. She says she loves it and it works really well!

(yes slight oversharing in the park maybe...)

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 27/10/2019 18:15

This is my dream, go for it, my own place and relationship separate

AskforJanice · 27/10/2019 18:20

I recently ended my relationship with my DP after 2 years living together (with my DC) and I have absolutely no intention of living with anyone again.....certainly not until my children are much older anyway.

I’m not against the idea of a committed relationship but I genuinely cannot see any upsides for me or kids in living with someone else.

I 100% see where you’re coming from

RuthW · 27/10/2019 18:39

I've been with my partner 7 years. We have no intention of ever living together although we probably will get married in the future.

happinessischocolate · 27/10/2019 18:42

The only reason (other than having children together) to live together is if you get to the stage that you are just spending so much time together that you may as well live together.

My last bf attempted to move in by staying practically every night which was fine as I liked having him around, but I refused to let him let out his place or actually move in.

Current bf has full custody of his kids and we don't want a blended family, we would maybe consider cohabitating once all the kids have moved out.

It's an interesting idea, staying separate long term.

Pukeworthy · 27/10/2019 18:46

OP I feel the exact same way; my husband ruined my desire to ever live with a man (I never wanted to before I met him anyway!). I now have a lovely boyfriend who has a very nice house but it's really important to me that me and my daughter have our own independent space that's our 'nest' so I never plan to move in. Maybe spend a lot of time there, but that's it.

One of my idols in life lives in a different country to her husband - they have never lived together but just love going on holiday together. 'You do you', as they say....

OhioOhioOhio · 27/10/2019 18:49

I'm in a, similar head space, but without a new partner. One day maybe...

I don't want to make my home or my money vulnerable ever again.

Stuckinarut81 · 27/10/2019 18:50

Me and my bf of 2 years get on brilliantly, we never argue and he doesn’t annoy me. We don’t live together and don’t plan to, although we see each other most days and he stays here maybe 2/3 nights a week.

Northernsoullover · 27/10/2019 18:57

I've been engaged for 3 years. We don't live together because of my children but the more time has gone on we have decided that we will get married but probably not live together. Every time I see the angst caused by blending families or the annoyance caused by lack of housework (I'm the messy one) I wonder why more people don't do it.
I agree its better for finances in some cases but if you are established in your own home and managing then why rock the boat?
We've been together for 5 years and are committed 100%. We love holidaying together but relish our own space.

AnnaNimmity · 27/10/2019 19:01

I agree @northersoullover - but it's good to hear from other people.

I think my DP will move a bit closer to me which would be convenient!

Dutch1e · 27/10/2019 19:04

I always said I would happily live next door to the love of my life. As it is my SO and I keep separate bedrooms, and it adds to the romance rather than detracting from it. Having your own space is a hugely under-rated thing, I fully support your plan.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 27/10/2019 19:06

Reading with interest. I’m (almost perennially) single and have lived alone with my kids since the eldest was 6 months (have had a couple of short term relationships in that time). I love my home setup as it is, and can’t envisage ever wanting to live with a partner again - but the only partner I lived with (for four years, pre kids) was a really awful relationship and perhaps that’s colouring my view. Heartening to see that some people have made this work!

Octagoneaway · 27/10/2019 19:13

Oh I totally agree with you, OP. I’m pretty sorted, live with my kids, good job, own my house, which I bought after my divorce and which suits us PERFECTLY. I’m not in a relationship at the mo ( I’ve recently started online dating, but keep pushing everyone away, oops), but I know of a couple of older couples who live a bit like this. My friend was telling me her mum has a “companion”, and another friend is a widower with a holiday/company friend. And she told me, VERY FIRMLY, that she definitely couldn’t live with him! I totally admired her attitude!

To my mind, it’s the future, just hope I can find someone similar!

Original poster
thepeopleversuswork · 27/10/2019 19:15

Thanks everyone: great to hear so many of you feel the same way and such positive stories. Obviously this is a self-selecting group and not scientific, but it feels like everyone who has done this has had a positive experience of it.

Its got me wondering why we place such a premium on cohabitation. Obviously its optimal when couples remain together and have children and I can see why it is financially advantageous for a lot of people. But aside from those specific scenarios it really doesn't seem to have much going for it: in my experience even in the best relationships it breeds resentment, the feeling of being trapped and friction between different lifestyles and expectations. I struggle to think of any among my close friends who live with their long term partners who aren't frequently seething about lack of parity with childcare, housework, finances or just general resentment about differences in lifestyle. Even when the relationship is basically good.

As someone else said upthread it feels like we've constructed a myth around the idea that cohabitation is best to fit what suits society financially, rather than what's actually better for the people concerned.

OP posts:
IndieTara · 27/10/2019 19:21

Op i can never imagine living with a man ever again and I'm not financially stable at all, in fact financially it would probably be better for me to live with a partner.
But I don't want to. I too don't want the hassle, the extra work, the over familiarity that comes with doing that

Mabelface · 27/10/2019 19:25

I've a bf of over 2 years, and I won't live with him. We have a perfect balance of our own space and time together. Plus, we get to miss each other and look forward to seeing each other.

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/10/2019 19:36

said isn't it "inevitable" that people who love one another eventually want to live together
No it isn't.
I want the best bits of 'living together' without the downsides.
So i'd prefer to have space in my home so DP can keep his things so it's easier to stay over etc, but i wouldn't want to get rid/move my furniture, books, storage, ornaments etc for him to officially move in.

Plus i like having my own space to come and go and do exactly as i please without needing to answer to anyone.
As close to pure freedom as i can get Grin

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/10/2019 19:39

and i'm happy to take the financial 'hit' for not choosing a living arrangement where i could cut my bill for living costs by 50%

quietheart · 27/10/2019 19:45

My sister is 10 years into her relationship and swears they are still happy because they don’t live together.

GaraMedouar · 27/10/2019 20:06

Hi OP - I'm a 50 year old single mum, ExP left 3 years ago, after living in my house for 7 years. I've not had a boyfriend since, but if i do my ideal would be to live separately and see them about twice a week. That'll do me fine. I never want to live with a man again. My youngest DC is 8 so I certainly wouldn't live with someone for at least10 years. I think it's the cook Prue Leith who is married and lives apart from her husband and says it's perfect!

boredboredboredboredbored · 27/10/2019 20:12

I getting married in February and we have no intentions of living together for the foreseeable future if at all.

So many people think we're utterly bonkers but we see the marriage as our commitment each other / the relationship. It's amazing! We get all of the best bits of each other. I love my own space, I'm very independent and have no desire to join finances. My dc are 15 & 16 and they get on brilliantly but I don't want to share a house with the 3 of them. His dc are adults. It's the best relationship I've ever had, I see him every weekend and once or twice in the week. If it makes you happy and you both agree go for it!

midnightmisssuki · 27/10/2019 20:14

I knew a couple to did this for. While, broke up in the end. One wanted to move in, the other didnt.

ruralliving19 · 27/10/2019 20:16

YABU to want this but it will only work if he's on board with it too.

SimonJT · 27/10/2019 20:19

Whatever works for your relationship is perfectly fine as long as you’re both happy.