To think that I can make my relationship work for the long term by being committed but not living together?

[thepeopleversuswork]

Not really an AIBU but just canvassing views: I'm coming around to the idea that having a committed relationship living apart may be the key for my long-term happiness. Interested to know how this has worked for others.

Background is that I was married for nearly 11 years: the last 4-5 years were awful due to emotional abuse and alcoholism on his part and was really delighted when ex moved out. I have a wonderful DD (9) and am pretty sorted and love living just with her.

Have a new(ish) boyfriend (been together about a year) who I'm very fond of, he's very kind and respectful and lovely but I can't imagine I'd want to live with a man again. I don't want to do anything that would destabilise my daughter's security and happiness so its not going to happen in the short term anyway, but even if that weren't an issue I feel real antipathy to the compromise that would go hand in hand with cohabitation again.

I would hate to share finances and don't want to jeopardise my daughter's financial independence or inheritance. I also find the idea of the general compromise that couples have to make day to day (ie over what food to make, sharing a TV) really stressful, and its been my experience that sex isn't improved by cohabitation. I just can't see the upside for me really other than a short term economic and convenience benefit which would probably work against me over the long term.

BF and I talked about living together for the first time recently (in conceptual as opposed to specific terms). He wasn't strongly against the idea of living apart but seemed nonplussed by it and said isn't it "inevitable" that people who love one another eventually want to live together.

I really feel that it shouldn't be inevitable and told him that. I've made it very clear that cohabitation isn't on the cards in the medium term anyway due to DD and he's fine with that, but after that conversation I came away with the strong feeling that despite loving being with him, I never want to live with him.

Wondering how much of my reluctance is down to the fact that my last experience of cohabitation was coloured by my ex's poor behaviour, or whether I just intrinsically like living alone and need to go with it and own it. And wonder whether anyone has positive experiences of this working out well over a very long period? (ie forever).

Been with my boyfriend for 11 years. We dont live together. I've been raising 4 kids in the meantime. It's a very big adjustment to live together. Even more so when kids are involved. My.kids are grown now and I still have no desire to live with him. Not.because I dont love him but because I need my.perosnal space and lots of it. You do whats best for you.

Sounds wonderful.

Been together over 20 years and never lived together , all fine. Good luck

My experience might be irrelevant to the OP as I live with my husband and our only child so it’s about childcare and being together as a family of three.
Prior to dh I had a long term London / Cambridge relationship which was good for years but eventually broke down due to one partner always being the “guest” in the others home / life / friend group. Too much living out of a suitcase or having stuff in the wrong place. It really wasn’t idyllic. Maybe if you live a lot closer it might be easier.

This is brilliant... really sounds like the way forward.

museumum thanks: to be clear, I'm not advocating this for families with a couple and their kids. It's always better for children, where their parents are together and happy, to live with both parents.

In your second example, while I take your point, I guess it kind of depends to what extent you want your lives to be "blended" anyway. I get on well with my bf's mates and he with mine but I would really recoil at the idea of having to have a totally shared life with someone. I really like the fact that there are parts of my life which he doesn't necessarily always have access to and which are mine and mine only. I can see that living in two different cities places a certain amount of stress and strain on a relationship from the travelling pov but I would relish the idea of my stuff being separate from his.

My bf sometimes leaves things at mine by accident and even that sometimes irritates me a bit -- I tease him about this. I hate the way blokes try to move in by stealth. My place, my stuff, thank you very much. If the odd bit ends up being left here fine, but if it was anything more than that I would kick off.

Haven't rtft but coming back to this. I'm in similar position...except both have DC and living together is just going to be too messy and bonkers and destabilising to be feasible. Plus I actually really really like not having too much domestic crossover. We're still bonking like a new couple 2 years in. Living together in my experience is a fast-track to drudge and domestic faff...passion killer!!! This way I get to wear my holey knickers and binge on serial killer documentaries in my own sweet time and do the dishes when I damn well feel like it and enjoy our wonderful smoking hot fun funny meetups, dates and hookups in my fanciest pants when we do. I've thought hypothetically about combining household but I can't imagine how it can be anything but problematic.

cecilandsnail

"This way I get to wear my holey knickers and binge on serial killer documentaries in my own sweet time and do the dishes when I damn well feel like it and enjoy our wonderful smoking hot fun funny meetups, dates and hookups in my fanciest pants when we do."

This. With fucking bells on.

Why would anyone want to escalate their lives away from this? To push the fast forward button towards housework rotas and rows over the football and resentment at having to wash someone's socks?

This is what I want! I don’t have a partner at the moment but have 2 small DC and am building my dream home. I don’t want to share that home with anyone really, maybe when DC are grown but can’t see it for me right now.

My sister has been with her partner 8yrs, they both have DC with other people, they go on holiday together, stay over a few nights a week and do sometimes have all DC in one house together over a weekend. But they have separate homes and time away from one another.

It works for them! I sometimes think relationships actually succeed better this way as it stays fresh, there is less arguing about the boring mundane stuff like washing up and where the sock drawer goes, and finances are always a killer.

Only problem you have is if your current partner doesn’t feel the same way. I make it clear to people I date I have no intention of involving DC or homes in any short space of time. Maybe why I’m still single!

*3 DC missed one

Yanbu op, I feel the same and I don't think it is all that unusual these days. What benefit is there to living together other than the joint financial responsibilities, the rest is mostly compromise and in my experience the woman tends to compromise the most.
He probably doesn't get it for that reason.

I would never say never but I see all the benefits of having my own space, rules and looking at my hypothetical partner with fresh eyes because we don't live in each others space 24/7.

What @Cecilandsnail said!

DH and I separated for a while many moons ago when DS was young. We eventually decided to get back together but lived in our own houses. It was great for me because when I visited his I took no responsibility for his home and he looked after me in a sort of guest way. What didn't work was DS being moved from house to house and we were further than walking distance from each other.

We eventually moved back in together, he was less happy than me with the arrangement. I would happily do it again, I like my own space and not having to consult someone on wall colour or TV programme was great but I'd probably live close enough to pop through in my PJs!

I've had a 14 year, and a 9 year relationship which were "just going out" arrangements, in that we never lived together, or kept things at each others houses.

I think this is a great idea and I think it would be very smart if a lot more women--especially single women who already have kids and who are already independent earners, thought the way you did. It's great for the kids, it's great for the romance, it's great for you.

My grandmother and her life partner never lived together, though he did eventually move across the street. He was gay so that was partly why, but it didn’t impair their commitment to one another for 35 years until his death.

My dad and his girlfriend are unlikely to cohabitate, despite spending large amounts of time with one another. Neither wants to complicate inheritances for their children.

Honestly I've tried this and it didn't work for me. Of course that's not to say it wouldn't work for you. Also I wasn't in your exact situation though (no dc).

So I'm definitely not saying every ltr has to involve cohabitation, but heres why it didn't work for me:

It was just to much hassle. Always organising our schedules, wasting time travelling across the city, hanging out at his house so I can't do any chores etc at my house and not having what I need. That's all fine when it's a new person you' re dating. But it's not as exciting to do it for a long term partner.

It also wasn't as simple as "it's great to have our own spaces". It ended up being more like, often when I wanted space, he was there (and couldnt really ask him to leave as it was our one night together or whatever). When I wanted company, he wasn't there. In my current cohabiting relationship, the space/together thing comes a lot more naturally - we are together when we want, and we aren't when we aren't.

You basically summed it up yourself - I just can't see the upside for me really other than a short term economic and convenience benefit. For me, that's a massive benefit. Ltrs aren't all about romance, in fact for me, they are hardly ever about romance. They are mainly about convenience.

1300cakes

Thanks. The organising of schedules is a bit of a hassle tbh. But for me its worth it for the freedom.

Also this:

"Ltrs aren't all about romance, in fact for me, they are hardly ever about romance. They are mainly about convenience."

To be honest the idea of a LTR which is mainly about convenience fills me with horror. It's one thing if you're 20 something and pregnant. But for me once a LTR becomes primarily about convenience it is dead.

I have just bought my own house after coming out of a 15 year marriage. I have a bf of over 1 year. I have no plans to live with him or anyone else. I can’t imagine ever wanting to. I agree with you that the sex goes, and the point about the food and what to watch on tv etc. I like the space for me and my kids. I like the fact that I can do what I like and nobody can tell me otherwise. Can’t see me ever living with a man again but I am committed to my bf.

Enjoy your own space x

My partner and I have been together for 34 years and we have lived in separate houses since 2000. He lives about 15 minutes away from me and comes around and stays every weekend from Friday to Sunday, and usually visits during the week as well. It works really well for us, but we don't have any children. I might have a different attitude if we did.

@boredboredboredboredbored out of interest if you don't want to share finances why are you getting married? I feel the same as you in that I don't want to financially tie myself to someone, but that's why I wouldn't get married!

Oh, by the way, we are getting a civil partnership next November 2020 (they've just made them available to heterosexual couples), but we do not intend to living together after that either. We have talked about living together when we reach our retirement for practical reasons.

My partner and I live seperately and have a child together and it works well for us. We live very close tobeach other though which definitely makes it easier for us to see each other regularly and manage the childcare. Depending on the circumstances we probably see each other 5 days per week. The arrangement works well for us and I find that we don't get in to petty arguments because we each have our own space and aren't always in each other's faces. Maybe one day we will live together but its not something that will happen soon.

To be honest the idea of a LTR which is mainly about convenience fills me with horror.

Fair enough, I don't think it's realistic to expect to rip each others clothes off and declare passionate love every second of the day in a ltr. I mean, you have to get on with other things or you'd starve to death for one. Maybe convenience isn't the right word, I mean just both living a happy, easy life.

I love living with my husband, but the sheer amount of stuff he owns; and the washing, cleaning and tidying he generates! I sometimes fantasise about living in my own neat and tidy 2 bed flat that takes minutes to clean!