To think that I can make my relationship work for the long term by being committed but not living together?

[thepeopleversuswork]

Not really an AIBU but just canvassing views: I'm coming around to the idea that having a committed relationship living apart may be the key for my long-term happiness. Interested to know how this has worked for others.

Background is that I was married for nearly 11 years: the last 4-5 years were awful due to emotional abuse and alcoholism on his part and was really delighted when ex moved out. I have a wonderful DD (9) and am pretty sorted and love living just with her.

Have a new(ish) boyfriend (been together about a year) who I'm very fond of, he's very kind and respectful and lovely but I can't imagine I'd want to live with a man again. I don't want to do anything that would destabilise my daughter's security and happiness so its not going to happen in the short term anyway, but even if that weren't an issue I feel real antipathy to the compromise that would go hand in hand with cohabitation again.

I would hate to share finances and don't want to jeopardise my daughter's financial independence or inheritance. I also find the idea of the general compromise that couples have to make day to day (ie over what food to make, sharing a TV) really stressful, and its been my experience that sex isn't improved by cohabitation. I just can't see the upside for me really other than a short term economic and convenience benefit which would probably work against me over the long term.

BF and I talked about living together for the first time recently (in conceptual as opposed to specific terms). He wasn't strongly against the idea of living apart but seemed nonplussed by it and said isn't it "inevitable" that people who love one another eventually want to live together.

I really feel that it shouldn't be inevitable and told him that. I've made it very clear that cohabitation isn't on the cards in the medium term anyway due to DD and he's fine with that, but after that conversation I came away with the strong feeling that despite loving being with him, I never want to live with him.

Wondering how much of my reluctance is down to the fact that my last experience of cohabitation was coloured by my ex's poor behaviour, or whether I just intrinsically like living alone and need to go with it and own it. And wonder whether anyone has positive experiences of this working out well over a very long period? (ie forever).

It also isn't my experience that living apart makes the romance lasts longer - still wears off at about the same rate. I found it depressing to rush home from work, get dressed, drive across the city, just to sit in silence watching Netflix, then drive back at midnight in the freezing cold. Whereas coming home, being relaxed watching Netflix with my live in partner, then tucking in to bed together all cosy feels quite satisfying. But every relationship is different.

The happiest couple I ever knew lived apart. I don't understand why so many women are brainwashed into thinking that it is normal and expected to move in with a partner. I never would

I think it is fine when everything is well, but what happens when it doesn't? A committed relationship is sharing the good and the bad, because sadly, we can't always prevent the bad, and we don't who is going to be hit by it.

What happens if suddenly you are not well mentally and physically and you are suddenly in a more vulnerable position, when you need more constant support? I don't think you can expect this from a relationship where everyone is happy to go home to your own self?

I think this is when things go wrong, when one has suddenly more needs of support and the other one makes it clear that they will only provide it when it suits them at their own leisure time.

To me, the test of true commitment is when things are not perfect. Some will be there for you, and some will retreat in their own world. I think this is much more likely to happen with couples who don't leave together, because isn't it the point of it in the first place, the fact that you don't have to commit to sharing the not so good in the relationship?

1300cakes

"I found it depressing to rush home from work, get dressed, drive across the city, just to sit in silence watching Netflix, then drive back at midnight in the freezing cold."

But isn't this the point at which you need to knock the relationship on the head? Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone with whom you were watching Netflix in silence?

*swingofthings"

"I think this is when things go wrong, when one has suddenly more needs of support and the other one makes it clear that they will only provide it when it suits them at their own leisure time."

Sort of. In theory the idea of supporting someone through the good times and the bad is lovely as an idea. But in the vast majority of cases I think this narrative is a figleaf which is used to persuade women to accept suboptimal relationships from blokes. Ditto the idea of "working on" your relationship/marriage. I've seen in practice it means the woman mothering the bloke when the bloke becomes inert, depressed, fails to be an adult and wants someone to run around clearing up after him.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone with whom you were watching Netflix in silence?

Thats part of life, isn't it? You can't be on a romantic date every single night for 10 years plus. You'd run out of money, restaurant ideas and sexy lingerie for one .

1300cakes yeah I guess there has to be a middle ground :)

I honestly don't have much time in my life for sitting around watching TV anyway tbh. If I'm going to make time for a bloke in it I don't really want to introduce more inertia and time-wasting than is already there. Would rather do fun stuff with someone than watch TV.

I don't live with dp but we still share the good and the bad. How does not living together stop us doing that? We communicate by phone and WhatsApp all day long. It's about what suits you both and not living together has given me the best relationship I've ever had.

@sittingonacornflake we are having a pre-nup (who said romance was dead!) plus we both have wills. We both own our own houses, we earn similar, when we go out we take it in turns to pay. My house and pension are worth a fair amount and upon my death it'll go to my dc as his will go to his.

@boredboredboredboredbored oh I see! Makes sense. I'm England so pre nups aren't legally binding here they just get 'taken into account' by a judge upon divorce so I wouldn't risk it as I have no plans to live elsewhere!

My situation is slightly different to yours in that my partner and I have no children. Going out 3 years now, me 40s, him 50s, have our own homes, both very independent, like our own space, no plans to live together. I don't feel the need to follow the trend of moving in together, despite people asking us are we living together yet.

This is pretty much my ideal I think. After 20 years with exH I’ve no desire to share my space again and I will never make my DD live with a stranger.

My current DP works shifts so we spend every other weekend together and 1 or 2 nights a week. The rest of the time I spend with DD or my friends or by myself and generally it works out really well, best of both worlds for me.

My father and his partner live next door to each other and it’s the happiest I’ve ever known him.

Theoretically I don't have a problem with living apart from a partner (see my other thread re WWII and non-stop talking bf!!) and having been out of a horrible marriage have no intention of rushing into cohabitation any time soon. I am in a similar situation as you except with two kids older than yours, and have been having similar conversations with my bf.

My only but big problem long-term is I hate living alone. I have always been used to living with other people- first my parents and siblings, dorms and flatmates, later married and two kids. I have had periods of living by myself and I hated it. I am prone to nightmares and feelings of paranoia, and I know I wouldn't do well by myself. I am a bit of an extrovert too. Biologically speaking, we are supposed to live in big family groups- this upward trend of living in isolation is very bad, collectively speaking, for our mental health, social skills (looking at my bf who has actually lived alone most of his adult life)

So although I wouldn't necessarily like to live with romantic partner, (because that would kill the romance deader than a doornail- for me), I would like to live in some sort of communal/familial arrangement (but not an institution, because that is shitty too!). Maybe in some sort of attached unit to my kids's place, if we can afford it, once they are independent and employed? Withing walking distance of my bf? Or something? Just daydreaming here about what would be an ideal living situation for me 10-15 years down the line.

It's not for everyone but I don't know why it's not more mainstream, given they we've moved beyond the 1950s. In the age of divorce and separation, I can't imagine how relationships survive difficult cohabitation dynamics with multiple DC and ex partners and baggage! Particularly when there's a much better alternative ie maintaining your own space for your own DC. You can blend and separate as much as it suits. I love my DP more than anyone ever has loved another soul too. I'm seriously mad about him. But I've spent 2 evenings and 2 sleepovers with him and I couldn't even contemplate another tonight...I just needed to do my sport and eat my own food and clean and wear my saggiest PJs! It wouldn't be the same having him in on my time!!!

cecil I suspect the main reason people cohabit these days is financial. Housing costs so expensive. Think also it is one of these silly couple “milestones” that people feel they have to hit to be in a committed relationship. So if it hasn’t happened by a certain point one partner will start nagging the other about it. And so goes the depressing cycle of people feeling they have to conform their happiness to other people’s expectations of how to live.

Thanks for your post. It's how I feel too!

Another one in the living apart together boat

Been with DP nearly 4 years. We both have teens. Everyone gets on fine. Not sure if we will ever live together. I am constantly asked about it by friends. I think once bitten twice shy. The step situation is so complex and logistically fraught. It would be swapping one form of stress for another. I have more to lose and he has more to gain. What I fear is the potential inequality that comes along with that. I think I could handle that should the kids be grown and flown but his are taking a long time to grow and one might never fly the nest. And that scares the beejeezuzz out of me. On the other hand our relationship is amazing and I would love to wake up with him every day. We love each other’s company. 100% committed. We both crave more simplicity in our lives but I fear once separated with kids that ship has sailed.