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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to let 10yr old choose a state school when siblings are at private?

91 replies

JoshuaTrees · 27/10/2019 07:54

My two older children both go to a very good private day school in London. They went to state primaries took the 11+ and went private for secondary.

My third child is year six. Since her siblings left primary we have moved and are now in the catchment for a good secondary they would not have got into. It’s good but not exceptional. All her primary friends are going there. She wants to go there too.

She’s articulate about her reasons: she doesn’t feel she fits in at the private school, she doesn’t want to be in a school where everyone is super talented and competitive, she likes the few of the state school.

My worry is she’s actually just scared she won’t pass the 11+ and get a place at the same highly selective school as her siblings. I’m scared she’s doing this out of fear and will regret it later.

The state school has almost no outdoor space or facilities and everyday she will walk past the very lovely campus of the school her siblings go to.

I think she will thrive at either school. She’s a lovely child who engages everyone she meets and sees the positives in life. But what if she looks back and resents is for letting her make this decision. How can I justify spending £18k a year on school for two of the kids and £0 for the other?

OP posts:

Dieu · 27/10/2019 07:57

OP, I was exactly in your position. And I let my child choose.

DirtyWindow · 27/10/2019 07:59

Can she take the 11+ anyway, and then make a decision when she has the result?

I'd be inclined to let her. It was a different situation but my brother went to a private boarding school for sixth form whereas I went to the local comp. I don't resent it at all. And I got better A level results .

AppleKatie · 27/10/2019 08:02

I would make the decision after the 11+.

I would be more inclined to let her if she was making a decision holding the 11+ offer. Also Is there a realistic chance of transfer at 13+? If there is I would probably let her on the understanding that if it doesn’t work out she would move.

DameSylvieKrin · 27/10/2019 08:02

Can she change to private for 6th form if she wants?
Can you say that she still has to take the 11+ even if she won’t go to the school (so that if she passes she can genuinely choose between the two options).
If she’s actively choosing state education I don’t think you need to feel guilty about the spending disparity.
Did you give the older kids a choice of going with their friends? Might they have chosen differently?

TeenPlusTwenties · 27/10/2019 08:03

Can you prep her for 11+ take it and then if she gets in go from there?

Which school do you think will be better for her?

Broadly speaking I don't think 10year olds are best placed to know what school is best.

Could she start private, and then if it really didn't work, stick her on the waiting list for state and move her when place becomes available?

JacquesHammer · 27/10/2019 08:05

Slightly different situation for me as DD is an only.

However she chose state grammar over private school. Like your DD she was very articulate in her reasoning, however we suggested (and she agreed) that she took all exams anyway so she knew the choice was for the right reasons.

Most private schools offer later entry anyway - is this a possibility? Could she enter at 13 if necessary?

Original poster

JoshuaTrees · 27/10/2019 08:08

To answer a few questions:

We are still prepping her for the 11+ and she’s working hard but keeps saying she doesn’t want to sit the exam as it’s pointless.

There is no 13+ entry unless an occasional place arises.

Her siblings had no decent state school they were likely to get into but we did talk though choices with them.

She could definitely move for sixth form but that’s a very long way away!

OP posts:

Welshrainbow · 27/10/2019 08:08

Has she taken the 11+? When are the results in your borough? My parents were in this situation, I went to a boarding school and a selective state grammar after my parents moved half way through high school but my brothers chose to go to the local comp. I’d let her choose once she has The 11+ results. If she chooses the local secondary school I’d maybe keep some of the money you would have spent on private school aside for her when she is older.

swingofthings · 27/10/2019 08:09

Definitely let her pick. It's great that she has the maturity to evaluate what she thinks is best for her. Whether she is worried she won't pass the 11+ doesn't matter, what does is that she wants to go to the local comp and as you said is likely to do well there too. If anything, she might come out more savvy, streetwise and independent than your elder kids.

Welshrainbow · 27/10/2019 08:10

Just seen that she hasn’t taken the 11+ yet so I’d apply for the state school but still sit the 11+. You can always withdraw the application for the local school later if she passes and decides she does want to go to the private school.

AppleKatie · 27/10/2019 08:10

Hmm with no guaranteed entry route at 13+ I’d be hesitant. You know her best- is she likely to change her mind?

Worst case scenario you force her into the independent school and she messes up deliberately. This is not a situation you want to be in, I’ve seen it happen frequently and it is a massive mistake for the child and a colossal waste of money.

MollyButton · 27/10/2019 08:11

I would apply for the State school (and others). Let her do the 11+ for the private, and then decide when she knows if she would get in or not.

But I have known parents send their youngest to the private their older child had gone to, and the youngest remain miserable, and transfer out later.

Trewser · 27/10/2019 08:13

I let my child choose state all the way up to year 8 then moved her to private for year 9. Both her sisters went private at year 4. It's worked really well and she's thriving. No 11+ to worry about though.

Original poster

JoshuaTrees · 27/10/2019 08:14

Sorry when I say 11+ I mean the entry exam for the private school, not a borough exam. We have no grammar schools around here. The private school entrance exam is early January. I will continue to encourage her to take it but she keeps saying it’s pointless. It’s a very hard school to get into so if she doesn’t give 100% to the exam she doesn’t stand a chance and failure will really knock her confidence given her siblings passed.

OP posts:

TeenPlusTwenties · 27/10/2019 08:14

Make sure you have a confident answer for if she complains age 30 'why did you let me choose at 10. I was far too immature. If you had made me go to the better school, I'd have got better results / gone to Oxford / become a doctor / whatever'.

So if the answer is 'You were adamant, we didn't think you would settle at the other school, the comp was actually very good, we made sure you had tutoring in any weak areas and went on the enrichment trips, and here is some of the money saved towards a house deposit' that's fine.

If it is 'well you wanted to stay with your friends and so we let you choose', then that sounds a bit weak.

Trewser · 27/10/2019 08:15

Yy its a no brainer. Do the 11+ and also apply to the state. If she passes she might surprise you and want to go private after all.

EmmaJR1 · 27/10/2019 08:15

A little different but I had the choice of the girls grammar or the state secondary and my parents let me choose.

I went to the state secondary and it was great until I matured enough to see and understand the better facilities, opportunities and course options for GCSE.

Then I regretted it and still do.

Trewser · 27/10/2019 08:15

Ah ok just read update. Do you think she'll pass?

ticking · 27/10/2019 08:16

you don't have to decide yet. I'd suggest taking the 11+ and her (if she passes) doing a taster session or a visit or something.

She is definitely feeling the fear of change - you may have to make the decision for her at that age.

Trewser · 27/10/2019 08:16

Do you have a less academically selective but still good private school near by, could that be an option?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 27/10/2019 08:18

If she chooses the local secondary school I’d maybe keep some of the money you would have spent on private school aside for her when she is older.

Oof, that's a tricky one. I can see the logic of doing that, but I think it's very likely that when they're older the older two will be quite upset if she gets a significant chunk of money and they don't due to a decision that they didn't actually get the chance to make.

Trewser · 27/10/2019 08:18

I went to the state secondary and it was great until I matured enough to see and understand the better facilities, opportunities and course options for GCSE this is what dd year 9 said.

Is there no 13 plus entry near you as 2 years at state will make her mind up properly?

Trewser · 27/10/2019 08:19

If she chooses the local secondary school I’d maybe keep some of the money you would have spent on private school aside for her when she is older

Er absolutely don't do this.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 27/10/2019 08:22

My mum let me choose and I'm glad she did. Not quite the same as the choice was between 5 private (one boarding, totally my idea) and a grammar.

My last choice was the school my sister had gone to. She'd left a few years earlier but I knew most of the staff would remember her, and I
wanted to be able to make my own mark on the place.

Could this be part of the issue, that she wants her own school and not just be somewhere where, once again, she's a younger sibling?

Original poster

JoshuaTrees · 27/10/2019 08:23

Do I think she’ll pass?

She has a decent chance but it’s so competitive you can never tell. Some very very bright kids don’t get in. If she doesn’t get in she will awful even if she doesn’t want the place.

Are there less selective private schools nearby?

Sadly not in walking distance from our house and she’s adamant she wants to walk and not get the Tube. I have registered her to sit exams for easier schools a Tube journey away but I do see her point that a commute will have a negative impact on her quality of life.

Thanks for the tips of how to frame the choice when she’s older. I will definitely pay for all enrichment trips and extra out of school enrichment if she goes State.

I could save the tuition money for a house deposit for her instead. But goodness knows what ructions that may cause with her siblings when she gets £100k in her early 20s and they don’t!

OP posts:

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