AIBU to let 10yr old choose a state school when siblings are at private?

[JoshuaTrees]

My two older children both go to a very good private day school in London. They went to state primaries took the 11+ and went private for secondary.

My third child is year six. Since her siblings left primary we have moved and are now in the catchment for a good secondary they would not have got into. It’s good but not exceptional. All her primary friends are going there. She wants to go there too.

She’s articulate about her reasons: she doesn’t feel she fits in at the private school, she doesn’t want to be in a school where everyone is super talented and competitive, she likes the few of the state school.

My worry is she’s actually just scared she won’t pass the 11+ and get a place at the same highly selective school as her siblings. I’m scared she’s doing this out of fear and will regret it later.

The state school has almost no outdoor space or facilities and everyday she will walk past the very lovely campus of the school her siblings go to.

I think she will thrive at either school. She’s a lovely child who engages everyone she meets and sees the positives in life. But what if she looks back and resents is for letting her make this decision. How can I justify spending £18k a year on school for two of the kids and £0 for the other?

Hmm. I think SPGS is an anomaly and that your dd might be onto something! Is there really not a good 13+ school nearby?

Oh ok OP, now I’m understanding you. My DD got into SPGS but also refused to go. Shat put her off werr certain tales from our neighbours; plus some mothers going in about MENSA when we were waiting for the interview (don’t ask ). Anyway, she went to G&L and loves it.

SPGS compared to your local state is maybe taking it to extremes , bit obviously there are loads of schools in between. G&L still gets about 96-98% 7/8/9s, but it feels less rarefied and “normal” somehow. As for LU, there’s all types there!

You need to make it up to her in another way. Example As you paid for private school for the older two, they should fund university via loans; but the youngest gets uni fully funded.

Sounds a bit Marty McFly Back to the Future to me. I would encourage her to confront her fear of failure and deal with failure head on when it invariably sometimes occurs in life, rather than avoiding opportunities in order to avoid the possibility of failure.

Example As you paid for private school for the older two, they should fund university via loans; but the youngest gets uni fully funded.

Please don't do this. It would be very divisive. The money isn't really the issue, it's about whether the OP's DD is capable of making such a choice and understanding the possible consequences.

My DS went to the same independent school as his siblings. He hated it and is convinced he would have been happier at the local community school. You can't win.

I would think carefully here .The problem is at 10 she is not really able to be in full possession of all the facts.Sure she wants to go to the same School as her chums ,but long term She may feel unhappy about her education.Whether we like it or not Private Schools give a good education and open doors for many people .

I don’t think I’ve been clear. She doesn’t only say she wants to go state because her friends are. I’ve just been chatting to her and she gives six reasons:

• her friends are going;
• she felt like she belonged at the state school when we visited;
• she does not want to be a small fish in a big pond of Uber talented kids;
• she doesn’t agree with the idea that some kids can afford private and others can’t;
• she would prefer to spend the money on things like adventurous holidays and her hobbies;
• (forgive her this one, she is ten and listens to her older siblings talk) she is more likely to get into Cambridge with good grades from a state school than a private.

It may be that none of these reasons is as true as her fear of failing to get in, but this is what she says.

Important to bear in mind that she's ten years old.

Insist that she takes the exam, but tell her that there's no pressure because if push comes to shove & on deadline day she's still adamant that she wants to go state, you'll let her.

If she does end up going state, put the money to one side for her [maybe an equity ISA] so she can spend it on a house deposit or whatever when she 'comes of age'.

Are you seriously 'only' going for spgs (or equivalent)??
This is your mistake, choosing a very hard to get into school, vs state.

Why not give her a proper run at a number of private schools, including easier to get into ones.

The problem you have is that she is right in some of her arguments.

My kids go to a small school that is easier to get into, and they are having a fabulous education, better than the local state school...

Similar ish situation, we have state grammar schools in my area and comprehensives. DS visited 2 grammars and the local comp, he did the 11+ exams and passed for 1 grammar. However he then chose the local comp as he much preferred the feel. He’s now Y11 and in top sets for everything which has boosted his confidence considerably (I think he would be lower middle of the pack at the grammar). He’s predicted to get 10 GCSE’s at grades 6+ and has a great group of friends (none of which were friends from primary). I’ve asked him a few times whether he’d rather have gone to the grammar and he says absolutely not.

Which school do you really think suits your DD? Where do you think she’ll thrive best? Being with her primary friends will matter to her now but in my experience most kids seem to make new non-primary friends pretty quickly.

OP I would make her actively consider the other private school too. If you’re deciding between SPGS and Sacred Heart then the truth is that people travel far to come to both of those schools so her school friends will likely come from all over west London anyway whichever one she goes to.

I think those two schools are too far apart academically, socially and extra-curricular wise for those to be the only choices. Although to be fair she should do well at sacred heart. SPGS is incredible, as you know, but not for the faint hearted and if your daughter is not very competitive or confident then she could become very insecure surrounded by the superstars there.

I took the tube to school and it was a bit annoying but no problem really. I went to a good school so people travelled to go to it and I was in the same boat as most other pupils. Plus I managed to get plenty of homework done by the time I got home!

I do understand her fear of not living up to her siblings expectations but I think just aiming for the local state school is not the answer. She should look at other private schools too.

I've mentioned this before on another thread, but my parents floated the idea of me going to private school when I was 10 (no older sibling already at private though).

I didn't like the idea (my self confidence had been affected by numerous primary school moves fir various reasons) and I didn't feel I'd fit in / be bright enough etc. So tgey let it drop and I went to the local (really rubbish) state school.

I now resent my parents for not pushing me harder and encouraging me more to consider it. At 10 I didn't know how the world works, the opportunities I missed out on as a child and the doors it opens as an adult.

At the end of the day if your child doesn't want to go she'll sabotage her exams so she doesn't get in anyway but I think you should encourage her go.

She is 10 and of course thinks super short term as all children are. A good state vs a great private. The answer is pretty clear. She is frightened of not living up to your other children/your disappointment. Most children want to follow their siblings. You need to encourage her to take the 11+ or else she might look back on this very differently

She is a child. I think you should be making this decision for her and not let her choose. If she hadn't expressed these feelings would you have felt she wasn't as suited to the school her siblings attend?

She is 10, yes she should get an opinion but I personally would not let her make this decision. Unfortunately you sound like you have already let her believe it is her decision so coming back from that would be hard - isn't she likely to dig in her heels and fail the entrance exam on purpose?
Personally I would consider some of your other nearby private school options, eg. G&L.

I was the child in this situation and I don't regret my choices at all. Both siblings went to well known independent schools and I went to a state comp. I loved it. Neither of my sibs have achieved anything I haven't or couldn't and I've not been disadvantaged at all. The opposite in fact, I have a much broader circle and draw on my wider experiences a lot in my work. I had and have strong feelings about selective and private education and didn't want any part in it. 10 year olds know what makes them feel uncomfortable - I certainly did.

My parents were v clear it was not about money and my dm had a saying 'everyone gets what they need when they need it' and therefore they've never 'owed' me a lump sum not have I expected it. In the same way that my student accommodation at uni was way cheaper than my brother's - my parents paid for us to be warm and safe not x per week.