AIBU to let 10yr old choose a state school when siblings are at private?

[JoshuaTrees]

My two older children both go to a very good private day school in London. They went to state primaries took the 11+ and went private for secondary.

My third child is year six. Since her siblings left primary we have moved and are now in the catchment for a good secondary they would not have got into. It’s good but not exceptional. All her primary friends are going there. She wants to go there too.

She’s articulate about her reasons: she doesn’t feel she fits in at the private school, she doesn’t want to be in a school where everyone is super talented and competitive, she likes the few of the state school.

My worry is she’s actually just scared she won’t pass the 11+ and get a place at the same highly selective school as her siblings. I’m scared she’s doing this out of fear and will regret it later.

The state school has almost no outdoor space or facilities and everyday she will walk past the very lovely campus of the school her siblings go to.

I think she will thrive at either school. She’s a lovely child who engages everyone she meets and sees the positives in life. But what if she looks back and resents is for letting her make this decision. How can I justify spending £18k a year on school for two of the kids and £0 for the other?

At that age I imagine for her it’s more about wanting to stay with her current friends than anything else.

Also as you already have 2 DC there, you know the ethos and atmosphere of the private school. Do you know anyone with DC at the state school to talk to? You’ve already said that the private school (unsurprisingly) has better facilities, so I would send her there initially. It sounds as if it would be easier to get into the state at a later time if it doesn’t suit her than the other way round.

Sadly not in walking distance from our house and she’s adamant she wants to walk and not get the Tube

Only you know your dd but that seems like a really silly way to choose a school.

Friendships change, particularly at state where they don't have much extra curricular so nothing to do except go on their phones at lunchtime (my experience before everyone chimes in with the astrophysics and county hockey training offered at their state)

Friends can change massively when they go to secondary school so that is not a reason to choose the state school.

Do you really think wanting to walk to a local school is a silly criteria?

I totally get her view on this. A London rush hour commute sucks. I know. I do it every day. A commute would take a good chunk out of her day when her schedule is already going to be busy. If the school is in walking distance she is likely to have a more local friends and to be able to use our house as a base with her friends. She will feel more a part of a community.

The private school her siblings go to is a walk away, as is the state school. The back-up private schools both take at least 40 mins to get to. So 80 min a day commuting when transport works well.

We had more or less this situation with DS who was adamant he only wanted to go to the comp when two older siblings had gone private. The situation was slightly different, in that he is mildly dyslexic and almost certainly wouldn't have got into the same school, but he could have gone to another private school instead.

We went with the comp, which had a good reputation locally, and to be honest it wasn't a success. They basically never dealt with his dyslexia because they were hopeless at communicating with each other about it. He started bunking off in Year 10 till we found out about it - and the school wasn't exactly speedy about letting us know what was going on. Considering how little work he did, he did better in GCSEs than we expected, which limited his choices at the 6th form college he moved to. So he was quite disaffected when he went there and didn't do well in his A levels.

The thing is, though, that I'm not sure that things would have been better if we'd made him go to the private school, because he would have resented us for it. My DS has turned out fine in the long run, but there is no doubt that his choices have quite limited because of his lack of good qualifications.

Do you really think wanting to walk to a local school is a silly criteria?

I did say only you know your dd!

I’d be unimpressed with her lack of effort on the exam prep.
If she’s capable of passing it, tell her that to know she’ll thrive academically at the state school, you need to know she can self motivate to achieve.
Pass the exam: she chooses
Fail the exam: she clearly needs more support than a large state can provide, so she’s on the tube to another private

OK, bit harsh..,

I know several families with mixed schools and everyone happy. My first boyfriend came to my state school - went on to Cambridge and is now a private school head!

My dd said she just wanted to be a normal kid and I didn’t want to force her to go privately. The local school to us is outstanding. Dd does expensive out of school activities. You have the money to pay for private tuition if / when needed. I would go with what your dd wants for now. You can always revise this in a couple of years even if it is to a less competitive school a tube ride away. When we were looking at private schools, they said it was easier but not impossible to join post yr7.

I would imagine not wanting to go to a private school when you are the youngest of three is partly fear of change and partly wanting to forge your own path, which i can understand.

Friends can change massively when they go to secondary school so that is not a reason to choose the state school.

And this is why I don't really think it's a choice for a 10 year old to make - because no matter how much you tell her this she won't believe it because her friendships feel very real and important to her now. From an adult perspective it's clear that primary school friendships aren't something to make a life choice based on, but that takes a perspective and experience that a 10 year old doesn't have.

I'm quite in awe of your daughter actually. She must know the school and despite all the lovely facilities be choosing her peer group. She seems grown up beyond her years.
But maybe she is a bit frightened. Does her school now have any kind of counsellor she could talk to. Are her siblings especially brilliant? Does she want to slog through. Have you talked to her as openly as you have to us about worrying you are doing her a disservice?
You can always hire tutors. Sorry not got anything useful to add other than to say you don't have to do the same for all 3 kids to still be being fair and supportive.

Let her pick.
The most harmful situation from the point of her self esteem and relationship with you would be forcing her to sit it and effectively forcing her to muck the paper up. Proving “ I am useless “ and you not knowing if she’s just not tried or maybe she did try and really doesn’t have the ability.

If she doesn’t get in she will awful even if she doesn’t want the place.

I would think this is the crux of the matter. Does she feel less academic compared to her siblings? I think if you are the youngest of three and both your siblings have passed and you are the only one who doesn't it would feel dreadful. Could she be trying to by-pass this by opting for the state school so she doesn't have to take the test? I would be having a conversation with her along the lines of what you said about it being very competitive depending on the cohort and she wouldn't be inferior to her siblings if she didn't get in. Maybe you could approach it as she tries for the test just to give it a go but its fantastic that there's another school nearby that she also really likes if she doesn't get in. Present it as a win-win. Tell her has more options than her siblings - if she really wants the other school then let her make that decision after the test.

I can understand she doesn't want a hot house or a long commute but the local comp when siblings go to a top indie is a bit much. I can't imagine that she wouldn't be resentful as an adult if you let her go to he comp.

I think I'd throw everything at getting her to the private school. Bribery, tutors for the 11+, explaining that even if she doesn't get in it will have given her a massive advantage among her state school peers. Then if she gets in I'd send her. If she didn't then embrace state, get tutors and be prepared for her to get to the end of year 8 and want to make that tube journey after all.

I don't think whether or not she'll resent it when she's older is the best way to decide because the brutal truth is that she could resent either decision, and it will depend on what happens and her personality, neither of which you can control or predict right now. You have to make the decision that you genuinely feel is the best you can do for her and accept that you still might get it thrown in your face at some point but at least you know, and can tell her, that you made that decision to the best of your ability with all the information you had.

I could save the tuition money for a house deposit for her instead. But goodness knows what ructions that may cause with her siblings when she gets £100k in her early 20s and they don’t!

I don’t think I’d just present her with a huge amount like that but more along the lines of a nice car when she passes her test, a little extra to live on at university. An amount more akin to the extra money you would have spent on more expensive enrichment trips etc that the private school most likely run.
For what it’s worth I was the older child who had the private school and I’ve never resented my brothers having financial help with buying their first car/weddings/a small amount towards a house deposit etc. Of course if you can afford to do it for all of them then there’s no reason not to.

If it's the inequality of it, put the equivalent fees into a savings account, you can use it for top up tutoring, extra curricular (you wouldn't fund for the other 2) and university/a car down the line. But I would suggest at 10 it's your call, she'll make new friends

If she defintiely doesnt qant to go tot he private school you could save a lot of time and effort by not doing the 11+. Its awful for children who feel theyve failed, and ita very hard to be motivated to study gor an exam you dont want to do.

You've said the state secondary is good! Do the high achievers get reaonable results?Use the money to suppliment with sport/whatever you feel is lacking.

I dont get the private at any cost attitude.

I'm going against the grain, but if the reason she wants to go to the state school is primarily because her friends will all go there then please think carefully about it. I may be wrong but I think its fairly unusual for children to remain in the same friendship group once everyone has 'found their feet' they all move on. A similar thing happened to my friend, she listened to what her 11 year old daughter wanted, but subsequently regretted it, as within a month she stopped hanging around with her primary friends altogether. I do not think any 11 year old should have the responsibility of taking on such a big decision - one which they may later regret. As a parent, I would prefer to be blamed for making a wrong decision, than my children having to live with a decision they made at 11.

Will she benefit from what a private school offers - music, sport and extra curricular. If she doesn't send her to the comp as often results are similar. You must know if she is academically as able as her siblings. It doesn't sound like she wants the pressure of a very selective private school.

No matter what you decide she will probably think you made the wrong choice!

I was asked at 10 and chose the state comprehensive, mainly because I didn't think I would fit into a private school.
I have never regretted the decision. I got all As for GCSEs and A-levels anyway (if that's partly what you feel is important) as I found schoolwork easy. I also had a much broader and more 'normal' life experience. Think state schools are a much healthier environment for kids.

I can spell really. I just cant type on a phone/ see typos immediately

I think your DD actually does show quite a bit of wisdom and perspective. I don't have any experience of grammars or private education, but my DH and his 2 siblings STILL pick at each other (in a fun, jokey way) about their driving and 11+ test scores (all 3 went to grammar). If you are a very academic family like his was, she probably fears this very thing, quite rightly.

I think she is too young to make such an important life decision for herself. Her decision seems to be based predominantly on wanting to stay with her friends? Presumably she lives close enough to be able to still maintain a relationship with some friends after school/at weekends?

On the other hand, years later, as an adult, there is the possibility that she may resent you for (arguably) reducing her future prospects because you allowed a 10 year old to make such a huge decision about her future based on wanting to be with friends who she no longer even has any contact with or anything in common with.

Is your daughter a confident child, OP? Or do you think she needs a bit of a push/encouragement compared to your other kids?