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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

11 year old daughter has a 12 year old boyfriend at school and I don't know what to do!!

107 replies

Emmauk35 · 27/10/2019 00:10

My DD just started secondary school and on day 2 she " fell in love" with a class mate. He felt the same about her apparently. At first I found it cute as she never really had any boys interested in her at primary school and vice versa, so I thought I would let her enjoy the attention. In my view, it was just puppy love and they would fall out over something silly and move on. How wrong was I !
They exchanged numbers and have been talking on whatzap, he said he loves her and she feels the same. Now they are " together " but she already made it clear that no holding hands at all until she's older. I talk to her about her feelings for him, trying to keep the communication open. But I worry that everything is moving really fast, they are constantly declaring their love for each other, and I feel she doesn't want to be with her friends any longer. I try to keep her occupied with sports etc but if he doesn't text her, she gets very upset and goes into a terrible mood. My husband doesn't want to know and blames me for " encouraging " them, which I obviously don't do it. The boy is polite and seems to be very caring towards her.
I don't know how to make her slow things down and convince her to focus on her friends and school??? Advice please 🤣

OP posts:
cauliflowersqueeze · 27/10/2019 00:14

WhatsApp is for 16+ only. Maybe start there.

Drinkciderfromalemon · 27/10/2019 00:17

Not a lot you can do really! Encourage friendships with others and don't go in heavy against the boy. It is unlikely to turn into her forever relationship, so just keep a weather eye and let it play out.

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/10/2019 00:18

Take her phone at night.

Don’t let her use Whatsapp.

Check her phone randomly.

Suggest having the boy over at yours more often so you can control, somewhat, what they get up to.

GreenTulips · 27/10/2019 00:22

^At first I found it cute as she never really had any boys interested in her at primary school and vice versa*

Why would this cross your mind as an issue? I told my girls to avoid the whole relationship thing til they are older

What did you tell your DD?

Headinthedrawer · 27/10/2019 00:23

So it's been around 6 weeks?Use the advice regarding phones above and leave it be.In a few more weeks or would have fizzled out.

SarfE4sticated · 27/10/2019 00:25

as the mother of a 12yr old DD i understand your pain. It sounds like an mutual crush in a way, rather than a weirdly early relationship IYSWIM. My DD and her friends all seem to have crushes at the moment, but the boys aren't even vaguely interested in them so it's all fantasy really. Your DD's situation sounds unusual and I have no idea what to advise.

raspberryk · 27/10/2019 00:26

It's completely nornal, why the panic?

greypetex · 27/10/2019 00:29

It's completely nornal, why the panic?

This ^

The only thing I see an issue with is the use of the phone.

GreenTulips · 27/10/2019 00:29

Not normal amongst DDs friends at all.

DrVonPatak · 27/10/2019 00:30

Communication, communication and more communication. I can't stress this enough, she has entered the relationship territory a bit too soon, but it's ESSENTIAL that she keeps open to you about what's going on and that she gets solid, sensible advice from you and not from some clueless classmate. Encourage them to spend time together with at least one parent in supervision at all times.

Give your DH a kick up his arse for failing to provide support to his own DD, a fine specimen of parenting that he is. By support I mean guidance through the minefield of relationships, it may be difficult for the opposite sex parent, but who ever said that parenting was easy?

ActualHornist · 27/10/2019 00:33

I'm not sure I understand why Whatsapp is such a worry? If you're regularly checking her phone, it's the same as text messaging?

Things haven't changed now she's at secondary school. This is still a boy her age, in her year.

Unless she is regularly alone and you think she'll have changed drastically personality-wise, I think you're overreacting. Sure, keep an eye out, have all the embarrassing conversations about relationships and sex, but I personally wouldn't do anything else.

greypetex · 27/10/2019 00:37

Not normal amongst DDs friends at all.

Maybe not, but it is totally age appropriate normal behaviour for that age group.

raspberryk · 27/10/2019 00:42

For those of you who think this isn't normal/isn't happening with your kids and their friends. It's most likely because they aren't telling you.
I had various boyfriends in secondary school and never told my parents about them.

stucknoue · 27/10/2019 00:47

Just talk to her and keep communication open, it's young but not uncommon at that age, the important thing is that she isn't encouraged to develop her relationship until she's ready. 16 isn't some magic age when suddenly they are ready but it's worth reminding her about the law if things progress beyond holding hands

Ionlymakegirls · 27/10/2019 00:48

My DD also started secondary school in September, after 2 weeks she had a girlfriend, now she has a boyfriend. Am I panicked? No, I check all her devices regularly, all which are also accessable via my phone as emails are linked, so I know if she is trying to hid or delete anything. We talk about her feelings and why these are changing, and I support these 'friendships' with bounderies and openess. Sex ed, has changed so much in recent years, but it is our job, as parents to support our children through these changes, hormones are a bitch. Communication, openess and honesty is key. If I tried to discourage these friendships, my DD would begin to back away and not communicate, and that is frightening as I then have no idea what she is getting up to.

Be open, approachable, honest and communicate.....
And hid your hurt, shock and surprise with a glass of wine in the bath each night

BadSun · 27/10/2019 00:52

Totally normal. When I was in year 7 I had a bf for 4 months. We were "madly in love". We kissed all the time and hung out with each other instead of our friends.

Then it was over and that was that until whenever the next one was. No big deal.

mummymayhem18 · 27/10/2019 00:52

I feel your pain ❤️

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 27/10/2019 00:54

It’s very normal in the first term of senior school....it can be a bit intense on texts/Whats.App etc but in reality it mostly consists if saying they’re going out and basically ignoring each other 🤣

Honestly just keep doing what you’re doing keeping her busy and don’t encourage her, but don’t say anything negative either and it’ll all fizzle out.

OctoberLovers · 27/10/2019 01:00

Slow down..... ?

They arent holding hands yet!!!

Melroses · 27/10/2019 01:04

My DD did this, then dumped him for 'acting weird'* a couple of months later. Then that was it until uni, where the same happened.

  • sorry, no explanation of what this is was available.
SarfE4sticated · 27/10/2019 01:04

You could invite him round for a formal tea, and start discussing his plans for the future, and explaining how mortgage rates work? That what my parents used to do, a right passion killer! Grin

Tinkerbell456 · 27/10/2019 01:07

Well, I don’t have kids so no experience there from a parents viewpoint.
What I do remember is being “in love” at that age. He was “in love” too. I am not trivialising kids feelings here, or that isn’t my intention. Those feelings are very, very strong at that age. My Mum, who grew up in rural Ireland in the 50’s in an almost cult like Catholic village ( the villagers would wander around the village at night chanting the rosary😳) was horrified and felt that I would lose my virginity. Her horror took the form of forbidding me to see him unless she was actually standing next to us practically. This, in our eyes, made us into star crossed lovers separated by evil family Romeo and Juliette style. No standing under my window at night though. We had homework. This ended only when he decided that he liked a girl in the year above us who had significantly larger breasts than me. Point is, Mum’s attitude made the whole thing into a much bigger drama than necessary. Encourage her not to neglect her mates. I would say she will need them soon enough.

avamiah · 27/10/2019 01:07

My “little one “, that I keep calling her is 10 in February and I am dreading this .😬😬.
We have a great relationship and she discusses everything with me, we have talked about periods,bra’s and her shaving her legs but never boyfriends.
As she is my little girl and I’m not really happy about boyfriends until she is 15 .

FrivolousPancake · 27/10/2019 01:23

I remember I hadn’t a landline in my room and I stayed up all night long talking to my “boyfriend” at around this age.

Reading the OP makes me uncomfortable though (probably now as a mother myself) and hearing about her moods being dictated by his contact etc.

HiJenny35 · 27/10/2019 01:24

What do you mean things are moving fast, they aren't even holding hands lol. Totally normal for that age. Nothing inappropriate. You need to chill massively out, at this rate she will never want to tell you anything with these massive overreactions.