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Original poster

11 year old daughter has a 12 year old boyfriend at school and I don't know what to do!!

107 replies

Emmauk35 · 27/10/2019 00:10

My DD just started secondary school and on day 2 she " fell in love" with a class mate. He felt the same about her apparently. At first I found it cute as she never really had any boys interested in her at primary school and vice versa, so I thought I would let her enjoy the attention. In my view, it was just puppy love and they would fall out over something silly and move on. How wrong was I !
They exchanged numbers and have been talking on whatzap, he said he loves her and she feels the same. Now they are " together " but she already made it clear that no holding hands at all until she's older. I talk to her about her feelings for him, trying to keep the communication open. But I worry that everything is moving really fast, they are constantly declaring their love for each other, and I feel she doesn't want to be with her friends any longer. I try to keep her occupied with sports etc but if he doesn't text her, she gets very upset and goes into a terrible mood. My husband doesn't want to know and blames me for " encouraging " them, which I obviously don't do it. The boy is polite and seems to be very caring towards her.
I don't know how to make her slow things down and convince her to focus on her friends and school??? Advice please 🤣

OP posts:
LeftoverPizza · 27/10/2019 01:28

I think this is normal, in year 7 I had a boyfriend and we were together for 9 months!. Just make sure you’re checking her messages and that she feels open to talk to you

Interestedwoman · 27/10/2019 01:36

@ActualHornist

'I'm not sure I understand why Whatsapp is such a worry? If you're regularly checking her phone, it's the same as text messaging?'

Except it's easier for people to also send video clips etc.

greypetex · 27/10/2019 01:43

I'm not sure I understand why Whatsapp is such a worry?

Well the kid is 11 and the age for WhatsApp is 16 so....

Greysparkles · 27/10/2019 01:55

Well the kid is 11 and the age for WhatsApp is 16 so....

If it wasn't WhatsApp it would just be normal texting... Has that got an age limit?

avamiah · 27/10/2019 01:57

Interestedwoman,
Yes I agree with you .
If you buy your daughter/son a iPhone then you are responsible and have to monitor or put restrictions on it.

ShippingNews · 27/10/2019 01:58

Slow down ?? You said they are not even holding hands ! How much slower could it get ?

This is perfectly normal in my world.

AwdBovril · 27/10/2019 01:04

Forbidden fruit is always more attractive. So definitely don't try banning them from "being together". Friendly indifference if/when he comes round.

Definitely agree with the removal of phone at night, restrict WA, spot checks etc. And encourage her other friendships, as this crush may gently fizzle out or end in her first heartbreak.

greypetex · 27/10/2019 01:06

If it wasn't WhatsApp it would just be normal texting... Has that got an age limit?

I'm not sure I understand the point here.

WhatsApp has an age restriction for under 16's. OP has an 11 year old.

The situation regarding text messaging is not a balance point for allowing 11 year olds to use apps that are rated for over 16's.

BeesKnees4 · 27/10/2019 01:11

Is it just me that this makes me uneasy?
I found it cute as she never really had any boys interested in her at primary school
Should we want boys interested in our primary age daughters? 🙄🤔

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2019 02:06

The difference between WhatsApp and texting is that it is better at facilitating group chats, where children may come into contact with strangers. My understanding is that the age is 16 for data protection, not because it is inherently dangerous.

Anyway back to your point. It’s a phase like all other phases. My dd is the same age. I had a boyfriend briefly when I was about 10. It only lasted a couple of weeks. The next i was 14 maybe. Just be there for your dd when it all falls apart. She will learn from this experience partly based on how you treat the situation.

BillHadersNewWife · 27/10/2019 02:22

I strongly disagree with the normalisation of "boyfriends and girlfriends" for children.

It's too accepted. I remember feeling absolutely sick at this age at the thought of kissing a boy but the sheer amount of peer pressure was too much and I eventually kissed a lad....was disgusting to me.

They should be friends at 11. Not partners in a sexualised way.

My friend accepted her child's boyfriend at 13....now they're 15 and having regular sex. That's no good if you ask me.

Not at 15.

notmytea · 27/10/2019 02:25

I'd talk to her about WhatsApp and social media in general as her usage of that will only get more intense over the secondary school years. Make sure she is aware that these messages are not private - kids can be horrible and she needs to be aware that if her and this boy fall out he could screen shot anything she's written and send it around the school, so she may want to slow down the messaging a little.

I would also encourage a playdate like a trip shopping or cinema with the friends she's ditching for the boy to make sure she has friends still once this boyfriend thing fizzles out

AgentJohnson · 27/10/2019 05:51

Be open, approachable, honest and communicate

This

Everything you’ve written is normal except your knob of a H’s reaction. She’s fast becoming a teenager and navigating all those new feelings is a mare, this is why you can’t be the one to panic.

MsTSwift · 27/10/2019 06:00

My 11 year old has lovely male pals they like the same books and swap them it’s very sweet. Absolutely nothing sexual or boyfriend girlfriend about it they would be horrified at that and I would find it icky.

Booboostwo · 27/10/2019 06:00

BillHadersNewWife it’s a bit odd to conclude that because you couldn’t stand up to peer pressure, what other people do consensually is wrong. The only solution to children wanting different things and making different choices with respect to relationships is to empower them to make their own, genuine choices. I don’t think OP should forbid her DD relationships because you gave into peer pressure to kiss someone when you didn’t want to.

OP, calm down. It’s a crush, of course it’s intense, all feelings are intense at that age.

LucileDuplessis · 27/10/2019 06:04

I have a year 7 DD and I would say this is within the range of normal (ie most years 7s don't behave like this but a few do).

Just leave it OP. They're not doing anything wrong so you can't really stop them. Follow the advice about removing her phone at buggy and checking it randomly, otherwise let things take their course. Hopefully they'll get fed up with each other soon!

Applesanbananas · 27/10/2019 06:04

Agree with you Bill. These are young children we are talking about. Theres nothing cute, funny or sweet about an 11 yo saying she has a boyfriend and all that nonsense that shes talking about him.

LucileDuplessis · 27/10/2019 06:04

*night
Not sure where buggy came from!

Bunnybigears · 27/10/2019 06:07

I dont understand the problem here. My 12 year old DS had at least 6 girlfriends if not morenin year 7 and told all of them he loved them. There may even have been holding hands and kissing!!!! Its totally normal and then same as what happened when I was in year 7 in the 90s.

Mumof21989 · 27/10/2019 06:11

Let them go through it. One day she will cry because her boyfriend dumped her or the boy she likes doesn't like her. It's no biggy at this age. I had bfs at her age and never kissed them. It wasn't really anything. These days they have phones so it's a constant access which is unhealthy. All you can is say no phones after nine or before school or something. We have all waited and sulked over a lad not texting us back. The I love you thing is probably not anything serious either. They are just playing grown up at this stage lol. I know it's hard. Mine are four and one so nowhere near this stage yet! I just remember all the stuff I've been through with boys over the years. It will fizzle out and just be there for her the best you can. X

mathanxiety · 27/10/2019 06:37

I try to keep her occupied with sports etc but if he doesn't text her, she gets very upset and goes into a terrible mood.

There is a problem here and your DH needs to take his head out of the sand and start taking an active role in his daughter's life.

Take her phone away after 6 pm.

Make your DH find some activity she and he can do together once a week. It doesn't have to be a massive, time consuming hobby. They could go shopping or have a pizza or go to the cinema once in a while.

Or he could just take an interest in her homework or her female friendships, and so could you.

It is really, really important for girls to have girl friends, and this exclusive BF relationship will get in the way of that. She will have nobody when this boy breaks it off if you allow her to neglect the forming of female friendships.

Find an activity for your DD to do. Martial arts appeal to some, then there is dance, drama, gymnastics, swimming, diving, music, tennis football - etc. DH can show an interest in whatever activity it is.

@BillHadersNewWife and @BeesKnees4 - well said.
Couldn't agree more.
At first I found it cute as she never really had any boys interested in her at primary school and vice versa, so I thought I would let her enjoy the attention
The DH may have something of a point when he blames you for encouraging this, somewhere deep down.

But he (and you) need to sit DD down and tell her the intense focus on what this boy feels about her is all wrong.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/10/2019 07:05

My dd had loads of crushes last year when she was in her first year at high school. She is in her 2nd year and still does. My ds is 11 and in primary school and the same. Nothing has gone any further except the odd text. Taking a phone away and banning whatsapp is a sure way to encouraging secrecy. Do keep checking phones though. Whatsapp is used widely here with most kids that age. I agree, very little difference between that and a text.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/10/2019 07:08

Most of the girls/ boys with crushes don't go any further than a text. One of my dd's friend had a date. It all fizzled out after that!

Bluerussian · 27/10/2019 07:17

Drinkciderfromalemon
Not a lot you can do really! Encourage friendships with others and don't go in heavy against the boy. It is unlikely to turn into her forever relationship, so just keep a weather eye and let it play out.
...........
I agree with the above.

Your daughter sounds alright, knows her boundaries, bless her. They are only children - yes, keep a 'weather eye' but let it play out.

Booboostwo · 27/10/2019 07:27

Find her a hobby so she doesn’t have a boyfriend. Hilarious advice! The only hobby that has a chance of helping with that is horses, but you sign up for a whole different world of trouble with that!