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Original poster

11 year old daughter has a 12 year old boyfriend at school and I don't know what to do!!

107 replies

Emmauk35 · 27/10/2019 00:10

My DD just started secondary school and on day 2 she " fell in love" with a class mate. He felt the same about her apparently. At first I found it cute as she never really had any boys interested in her at primary school and vice versa, so I thought I would let her enjoy the attention. In my view, it was just puppy love and they would fall out over something silly and move on. How wrong was I !
They exchanged numbers and have been talking on whatzap, he said he loves her and she feels the same. Now they are " together " but she already made it clear that no holding hands at all until she's older. I talk to her about her feelings for him, trying to keep the communication open. But I worry that everything is moving really fast, they are constantly declaring their love for each other, and I feel she doesn't want to be with her friends any longer. I try to keep her occupied with sports etc but if he doesn't text her, she gets very upset and goes into a terrible mood. My husband doesn't want to know and blames me for " encouraging " them, which I obviously don't do it. The boy is polite and seems to be very caring towards her.
I don't know how to make her slow things down and convince her to focus on her friends and school??? Advice please 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmauk35 · 27/10/2019 11:28

I gave a smart phone because I installed family link and track her walk to and from school. I dont think it works on a normal phone?

OP posts:
BadSun · 27/10/2019 11:28

My concern when I said moving too fast is the love declaration for each other...it's constantly , with songs and videos, etc. I know I'm overreacting because not long ago she was my lil princess that believed in toothfairy!
But she even talks about marrying this boy, buying a house etc... I mean who does that at the age of 11!!

You have kids so you know how much they like to imitate adult behaviour. That's all it is.

Original poster
Emmauk35 · 27/10/2019 11:32

Thanks, I think that will be my approach, I don't want sneaking off on me like some of her friends that found their " boyfriend" on Instagram and the parents were shocked!

OP posts:
greypetex · 27/10/2019 11:35

OP I think you are over anxious generally.

It's not really normal to track your child walking to and from school, nor to be overly concerned about an innocent boyfriend situation.

You say you don't want her meeting people on Instagram etc, yet you have provided her with the one tool she needs to do just that.

madnessitellyou · 27/10/2019 11:53

This is funny. Op, this sort of stuff happens. Chill out and be there to talk to her. Why are you tracking her walk to and from school? Do you not trust her?

Fwiw my dd (y7) has a smart phone because her school actually encourages the use of them. Her timetable - which changes weekly - is online, and a huge amount of communication is via email to the students. They aren’t the root of all evil. She has no WhatsApp and no social media.

AutumnRose1 · 27/10/2019 11:55

I don't have dc
Is it really common to track them now?

Anyway, you can disable other apps and keep the ones you want.

m0therofdragons · 27/10/2019 12:00

Dd is year 7 and has a "boyfriend". They message on WhatsApp. I don't see the issue Confused it's basically a friendship and nothing more at this age. I check DD's messages (which she knows) and her phone stays downstairs on a docking station to charge over night. We don't allow dc phones upstairs to avoid the temptation to google stuff in secret.

All those freaking out about WhatsApp being a 16 - on Apple it's a 12 Wink

11 year old daughter has a 12 year old boyfriend at school and I don't know what to do!!
Witchinaditch · 27/10/2019 12:08

They are 12 calm down, it will fizzle out keeping an open dialogue is a good idea make sure she knows she can always talk to you, stopping her from seeing him/talking to him will just give it the Romeo and Juliet affect.

SarfE4sticated · 27/10/2019 12:18

I think that this is an opportunity for you to teach her and for her to learn how to have a positive equal relationship with a boy and not a ‘what does he mean when he says this’ sort of passive relationship. I hate that old fashioned view that girls have to wait for boys to call shite.

AutumnRose1 · 27/10/2019 12:20

I feel sorry for kids being tracked like this. How do you peel off the walk to have a snog or a smoke?

Sootyandsweep2019 · 27/10/2019 12:32

I think denying a secondary age child access to WhatsApp can be very soically isolating , and think the no phone use after 9.00pm is a sensible compromise from OP.

WhatsApp is 16+due to American data laws, not because it's unsuitable. I think WhatsApp is much more suitable than Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat orInstagram x 1000 for a girl of OP's daughter's age. It's designed as an easier way of messaging people you know.

OP it is normal for some year seven's to have "boyfriend's", ( in name only, not in the real sense of the word), and nothing about this situation would over concern me.

greypetex · 27/10/2019 12:39

I think denying a secondary age child access to WhatsApp can be very soically isolating

The kid is 11.

ActualHornist · 27/10/2019 12:41

Re WhatsApp.

I have read the reasoning why it has an age limit.

But I still don’t get it. I’ve had my number eons, it’s been on Facebook for years - but I have a private account and my WhatsApp has never ever had a message from someone I don’t know and that I haven’t given the number to. I’ve had two cold calls on it since they launched calls - both numbers are blocked now.

If a random gets hold of your number, they can send anything to you anyway. I honestly think if you don’t allow WhatsApp you shouldn’t allow texting at all.

Foster good online habits and honesty when something’s bothering them, monitor usage and actual content. My children are coming up for 11, I won’t be buying them an iPhone when they go to secondary and I also won’t be buying them plans for £££ with loads of data. WhatsApp will allow them to be on family chats where we can send pictures - and of course they’ll be monitored and devices removed if needs be.

www.net-aware.org.uk/networks/whatsapp/

Drogosnextwife · 27/10/2019 12:45

What is the panic? They don't even hold hands 😂

Children are dramatic at that age. They want to act like grown ups, their hormones are raging.
It will fizzle out eventually, calm down. Unless they are sending inappropriate pictures or messages to each other, I don't see the need to remove her phone. She gmhasnt done anything wrong so why should she be punished?

Sootyandsweep2019 · 27/10/2019 15:38

The parents who would take away an 11 year old's phone if she announced she had a ,"boyfriend," are the parents who wouldn't be told anyway. If she was sexting, sending nude pics/ videos, have sex that would be innapropriate.Sending innocent texts to a boy who basically her friend isn't.

Original poster
Emmauk35 · 27/10/2019 18:25

Yes that is the kind of messages they write 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Tvstar · 27/10/2019 18:37

I think you are a little naive to take the'not holding hands yet' thing at face value. I went to a naice grammar a school and full sex was definitely happening by y8. I doubt they told their parents!

ilovehalloween · 27/10/2019 18:45

I think I'd had about 5 'boyfriends' by the end of first year. I even held hands with a couple of them .
Mobiles weren't a thing for my age until a couple of years later though.
It will most likely fizzle out. There was only 1 relationship I remember lasting from first year until the end of school between a boy and girl, they waited until they were 16 to have sex and seemed to genuinely love each other.

I'd set ground rules with the mobile; she can only have it when she's done all homework, it goes away 30 minutes before she goes up to bed, you keep it in your room over night and she can have it back when she's up and dressed in the morning. I'd be checking the messages sporadically.
As others have said she shouldn't actually have WhatsApp.

ilovehalloween · 27/10/2019 18:48

Lots of the parents on this thread probably don't have a clue if their kids have a 'bf' or 'gf' at school. I certainly didn't tell my parents unless I wanted to see them outside of school which didn't happen until I was a bit older anyway.

ilovehalloween · 27/10/2019 18:52

@Tvstar seriously? At 11 and 12? That's not the norm.

ActualHornist · 27/10/2019 19:18

@Tvstar yeah that's not normal. Don't doubt a few might have been, but the majority definitely weren't and definitely not between 11/12/13 year olds. More like older boy/younger girl.

m0therofdragons · 27/10/2019 19:29

@greypetex dd is 11 and at secondary. Only 2 children in her class don't have what's app. Apple says for age 12+

I understand WhatsApp and can help dd to manage it. She was in one group of her old primary class that was set up when they all left. It got nasty and dd spoke to me, asked for advice and made the decision to leave the group. Proud mum moment. She's more likely to understand and listen to me teaching her now than at 16 GrinGrinGrin

mathanxiety · 27/10/2019 19:48

But she even talks about marrying this boy, buying a house etc... I mean who does that at the age of 11!!

I think you are right to be alarmed.

That sounds like something she has absorbed from the surrounding culture.

How would you describe the culture of her peer group - you mention that In year 6, most girls had crushes and boys taking them to the prom. That sounds like a very unhealthy atmosphere to me. We are talking about girls aged 10 in that year and there was a 'prom'? Boys taking girls there? Whoever organised the social life of the primary school needs to give their heads a wobble.

I suspect that your DD is under some pressure to be part of a couple or given her age, to perform the girlfriend act, given the begging for WhatsApp that came once she hit secondary school. It mightn't be direct pressure or taunting, but it might be fear of being the odd one out. Her classmates helped the boy deliver 30 notes to her during class - this isn't really all that cute. Could she really have said no thanks, let's just be friends, after all that well known pursuit?

OP, your DD needs outside activities that she can get her sense of self esteem from, so the validation that comes from a call or text from the BF won't be so important to her. She needs to see that there is an alternative culture to that of her school and her classmates there.

username1724 · 27/10/2019 19:57

I'd really just be pleased my dd was open and talking to me. My dd is 9 and I hope she still comes to me in years to come. Really shes not going g to break up with her boyfriend because 'mum told me to, I'm not allowed a boyfriend' and if shes talking to you just advise her. Talk to her on a different level, be gentle and supportive, explain your concerns and let her reply. If your going to have any influence this will be the way. I spoke to my mum about everything, my friends didnt. They went off the rails, took drugs, lied, and their parents had no idea what they were up to. My mum gave me advice, she listened, she understood and therefore I had the female influence I needed rather than a bunch of drugged up kids telling me what to do.

Lougle · 27/10/2019 21:19

DD3 had a 'boyfriend' when she was 9. I wasn't massively happy (at all) and I asked her if she felt this boy was good for her. She said she wasn't sure, because he could be quite naughty, then she showed me his 'love note' - they were song lyrics Grin

They didn't hold hands, in fact they just waved to each other in the playground, then DD3 told me that she'd told him that she wasn't ready for a boyfriend, and probably wouldn't be until 'at least' secondary school. She told me that she'd decided he was being more naughty to impress her.

I guess what I'm saying is that if you keep talking, she'll figure it all out for herself.