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Original poster

11 year old daughter has a 12 year old boyfriend at school and I don't know what to do!!

107 replies

Emmauk35 · 27/10/2019 00:10

My DD just started secondary school and on day 2 she " fell in love" with a class mate. He felt the same about her apparently. At first I found it cute as she never really had any boys interested in her at primary school and vice versa, so I thought I would let her enjoy the attention. In my view, it was just puppy love and they would fall out over something silly and move on. How wrong was I !
They exchanged numbers and have been talking on whatzap, he said he loves her and she feels the same. Now they are " together " but she already made it clear that no holding hands at all until she's older. I talk to her about her feelings for him, trying to keep the communication open. But I worry that everything is moving really fast, they are constantly declaring their love for each other, and I feel she doesn't want to be with her friends any longer. I try to keep her occupied with sports etc but if he doesn't text her, she gets very upset and goes into a terrible mood. My husband doesn't want to know and blames me for " encouraging " them, which I obviously don't do it. The boy is polite and seems to be very caring towards her.
I don't know how to make her slow things down and convince her to focus on her friends and school??? Advice please 🤣

OP posts:
RolytheRhino · 27/10/2019 07:30

In response to PP, the problem with WhatsApp is the video call function and the fact that because it's encrypted kids think it's entirely private and thus safe to do things on that they wouldn't want footage of bandied around the internet. You can't do that with a text message.

OP, remind her that WhatsApp can be screenshotted very easily. Probably not an issue in this relationship at present but definitely good to know for the future.

mathanxiety · 27/10/2019 07:31

A hobby that the parents support, encourage, and take a keen interest in, not just a hobby.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2019 07:33

@RolytheRhino
What’s the difference between that and video calling on Apple products? I would have thought it the same, no?

00100001 · 27/10/2019 07:35

"slow down"

LOL

Sounds pretty normal 11/12 year old kind of stuff to me....

Invite the boy round for tea.

Chocolatenuttruffles · 27/10/2019 07:35

I wouldn't worry about it too much apart from the smart phone thing as things can be tricky these days with social media.

My DC is much younger so can't relate to this age of parenting but I had "boyfriends" all the time when I was that age. It didn't mean anything, a bit of hand-holding and a bit of kissing. Reading my old diaries from that age is hilarious! All declarations of love and heartbreak that lasts a few days. I then had a "boyfriend" from 12-16 who I was 'madly in love with' but we were basically best friends. Still all very innocent. We did spend hours on the phone on the old landlines (only after 6pm of course!). We broke up in 6th form but stayed friends and now we're in our forties, he's still a very good friend, actually more than other female school friends I had at that age, the only school friend I invited to my wedding with only 20 guests. And in this age of mobiles his parents' phone number is one of the few phone numbers I remember by heart (and they still live in the same house). I certainly don't consider him an 'ex', he's a very good old friend from my school days.

Though you'd be wise to keep an eye on it, these childhood relationships don't necessarily lead to sex either, even later. I didn't lose my virginity with him but a later 'proper' boyfriend.

I would say, dont make the relationship forbidden (forbidden fruit and all that) but rather have him round to your house and treat him as a close friend of your DD. Our parents did that, we were constantly round at each others houses, staying for tea, or they would drive us to the cinema. I know this have changed a lot from the innocent early 90s but maybe it's not as big a deal as you think it is.

Oblomov19 · 27/10/2019 07:38

I think it's normal aswell. I don't understand why parents don't. Lots of ds's friends had girlfriends in year 7 and 8. They were often fleeting or temporary. Then in year 9 & 10 it settled down a bit. Some a tiny bit more serious. In year 11, many of them have settled down and a few have girlfriends that are more serious.

I can't see the issue.

hels71 · 27/10/2019 07:45

My DD has just started year 7. SHe is of the opinion that boys are basically annoying. However most of her friends have already had one , if not two, "boyfriends" . I suspect it is quite normal.

Surfskatefamily · 27/10/2019 07:45

Eh? Its normal isn't it.
She's got a boyfriend...doesn't even hold hands. Don't worry about it.
Just have regular access to her WhatsApp and maybe have a no phones after x time at night rule

RolytheRhino · 27/10/2019 07:45

What’s the difference between that and video calling on Apple products? I would have thought it the same, no?

Similar probably, but no kid of mine is getting an apple product unless self-funded, so not an issue from where I'm sitting.

HeyNotInMyName · 27/10/2019 07:48

I haven’t see that happening at that age with my dc/dc’s friends.
I wouldn’t say it’s ‘normal’.

I agree about concentrating on

  • the use of the phone (I would put some strict limits on its use in length and in content - aka ‘random checks’)
  • I Would talk to her about the importance of keeping her own friendships (and him keeping his) and encourage her to go and see her friends/do other things. Talk about the difference between what friends give to her life and what a boyfriend does and how we all need BOTH.
  • I would talk to her about the importance if keeping some independence. She shouldn’t be upset if he doesn’t contact her for xxx time, it’s normal for him to do other things/be busy etc... and the same is true in reverse. Is the boyfriend encouraging that sort of attitude?
GingersAreLush · 27/10/2019 07:48

I agree with others about taking her phone off of her at night. I would keep encouraging her to spend time with her friends and doing her hobbies as she normally would. My own daughter (also year 7) is not interested in boys at all but a lot of her friends apparently are so I don’t think this is at all out of the ordinary.

Thing is at this age everything is so intense until it all fizzles out. However, I would talk to her about her terrible moods when she doesn’t get a text from him and how unhealthy it is for her to be so dependent on this boy or anyone else. That would concern me massively, as it would if an adult friend reacted that way when their partner didn’t text or call them.

diddl · 27/10/2019 07:55

It's not my normal either.

A group of kids as friends is my normal-was my mum & dad's normal & my kid's normal as well.

No interest until about 14/15.

Maybe we are all "late developers"!

Can't see that as a bad thing tbh.

Not when the alternative is being 11yrs old & upset because your "boyfriend" hasn't texted!

Lovemusic33 · 27/10/2019 08:08

My dd is 13 (almost 14) and has a boyfriend at school but she doesn’t have phone contact with him out of school, she has ASD and doesn’t have a phone, he’s a year older and they have been together for a year now, all they do I hold hands at school and spend break times together. I don’t think there’s much harm in it.

I wouldn’t panic OP, just be ready for when it finishes and she’s upset.

TheMasterBaker · 27/10/2019 08:14

My 12 year old dd has a bf who is 11 (same year group, she's just the oldest in her year). I see no issue with it. She's not ready for kissing and stuff and is very open with talking to me about personal stuff. She had major issues at primary and now she's in high school, she's so much happier and has made friends. We had the bf round ours for dinner and he's a lovely lad. She was really fond of him in her induction days and they're really good friends now as well as bf and gf. He doesn't have a phone etc so it's very rare she can communicate with him outside of school. She does use Whatsapp and Messenger but I regularly check her phone (which she is aware of) as this was a limit set up when she got the phone and contract, while we pay her contract, her phone is free for us to monitor as we see fit.

fabulouslyglamorousferret · 27/10/2019 08:23

That's 11/12 year olds for you 🤣

B. Will you go out with me?
G. Yes.
B. I love you
G. I love you so much 💖
B. I love you more 💙💙💙
G. LY 💙💙💙💖💖☀️💖💖💖💖💙💙💙💖

... and so on 🤣🤣 they probably don't even speak at school. They're strange, but mostly innocent and naive, creatures at this age!

Sagradafamiliar · 27/10/2019 08:27

Standard stuff. They're still just kids. Its normal to have a 'boyfriend' even in early primary school, even though it usually changes from one day or week to the next!
This is a progression of that, and I didn't bat an eye at my DC having 'relationships' at this age, nor did I try to actively encourage it. Just 'that's nice'.

BadSun · 27/10/2019 09:20

People seem to think that something being "normal" means "everyone does it. Clearly that's not the case.

It's normal for an adult to have a glass of wine on a Saturday night. That doesn't mean everyone does it. Some people have no interest in it. I NEVER do it. But it is normal.

By the same definition, it is normal for 11 year olds to have boyfriends/girlfriends and profess their love for each other.

annabelsmama · 27/10/2019 09:26

all you ones going on about whatsapp being, god forbid, 16+, i hope none of your precious angels are on any social media either because they are allllll 13+

greypetex · 27/10/2019 09:33

all you ones going on about whatsapp being, god forbid, 16+, i hope none of your precious angels are on any social media either because they are allllll 13+

I'm not sure I understand what you are getting at? OP has specified the use of WhatsApp, so people have commented on the use of WhatsApp. I think that's reasonable. Why are you trying to drag other people children and social media sites into something specifically about one child and their use of one app? I

Crystal87 · 27/10/2019 09:33

They'll split up before you know it. But make sure she's still making time for her other friendships, family time and school work so she's not dependent on him. Of course check her whatsapp and invite him round so you can keep an eye on things but other than that there's not much else you can do. It is all normal at that age.

DCIRozHuntley · 27/10/2019 09:41

I had a "boyfriend" for 9 months in year 7. When I first saw him it was "love at first sight" - he was really funny and as intelligent as me. We would talk on the phone a lot but were too embarrassed to actually speak at school so it didn't impact on my other friendships. We eventually kissed (no tongues!) and then it all fizzled out as there was nowhere for the "relationship" to go. It was more of a romantic friendship; part of me still thinks he'd have been my life partner if we'd met later in life, but as it was we remained very very good friends for about 15 years before life took us in different directions. I really wouldn't worry.

1Wildheartsease · 27/10/2019 10:46

Normal! This age is all about rehearsing for future adult life.

It would be useful to talk to her about not neglecting other friends.

(This will be important advice for future romantic relationships)

Keep communicating with her but don't fuss.

Original poster
Emmauk35 · 27/10/2019 10:59

Thank all for your responses, some are indeed quite helpful.

Regarding WhatsApp, I managed to keep her without a phone all way through primary! In year 5, most her friends had phones already . In year 6, most girls had crushes and boys taking them to the prom. My daughter steered cleared of all that, she was really not interested at all.
Upon starting secondary school she begged for WhatsApp and I said no. Then this happened; I found about 30 little notes inside her school bags...nothing alarming but her and this boy were helped by their classmates to exchange notes in class. Then agreed to WhatsApp as long as I have access to it, which I do and she isn't allowed her phone after 9pm.
My concern when I said moving too fast is the love declaration for each other...it's constantly , with songs and videos, etc. I know I'm overreacting because not long ago she was my lil princess that believed in toothfairy!
But she even talks about marrying this boy, buying a house etc... I mean who does that at the age of 11!!

OP posts:
greypetex · 27/10/2019 11:02

You let her have WhatsApp because she had notes in her bag? I'm sorry if I can't see the connection here. At all.

AutumnRose1 · 27/10/2019 11:14

You think it's easier to track her WhatsApp than paper notes? They could easily do both.

Why have you gone from no phone to smartphone?

Just dumb phone would be better.

I had a boyfriend at 11. He was 13! He was allowed to call the landline up to a certain time. If he didn't call, my parents just told me he was getting on with stuff and I'd see him tomorrow.