Can we have a thread about little moments that made you understand the 'why does he do that '? moment.

[OhioOhioOhio]

I'm having a difficult weekend. My abusive and controlling stbxh is working hard to get under my skin. I'm less affected than in years before. But I am still not able to shake the confusion. Why years after our separation he still feels entitled to put me down and speak to me like I'm a piece of shit.

What does he get out of it?

And when will it end?

And I've posted on aibu on purpose. I'm hoping there are some survivors out there who can shed some light on my head space. And in hoping they don't use the relationships board anymore.

You've answered your first question in your first paragraph. What he gets out of it is you feeling confused and more than likely a bit shit.

When will it end? My personal opinion, but I'm still in the early stages of recovery so hope to be proved wrong, is when the abuser dies. They don't want to let go. Ever. They will move on to subsequent victims but you'll always be in the back of his mind. Sorry, that's very negative and won't be what you want to hear. I hope I'm wrong.

I've been thinking about starting a thread about that very thing, they just keep getting away with it. They may do time, or not, for their current victim, but then they'll just move on to the next one. They don't change. They don't see that they need to change. It's all our fault, after all.

Please don't respond to your ex, OP. Don't fuel the twat fire

Thank you so much for replying.

Again and again. It just goes fucking on and on.

I've had counselling and read and read and read all of Google. Can you give me a nugget to settle my brain?

Why does he enjoy, years since I've ever even spoken to him, trying yo make me feel shit?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

And do you really believe that he truly doesn't think its his fault?

How about the little moments when you realise that it doesn't matter why he does that?

Why he does it is all about him and nothing about you. And who cares why he does anything? Why should you waste your head space figuring him out?! Fuck him.

He does what he does because that's him. You're only concern is you (and any children).

• Your, obviously. I was so annoyed with him taking up your head space that I forgot to check my typing!

Thank you. I know. I often manage very well. I guess its all cranked up lately because we've managed too well without him. And the kids have realised he's a prick.

And it does matter a bit. I have to cope with the abuse and ignore it. It seems unfair that I still have to endure it.

And the attention I get now is so, so much more than any I got in my marriage.

it does matter a bit. I have to cope with the abuse and ignore it. It seems unfair that I still have to endure it

That bit matters a lot - that's massive. But that's what he does (not why he does it) and yes absolutely concentrate your energies on coping with that.

What he does is important because that affects you. Why he does it is all about him - it's not you, it's him.

This is very helpful. Thank you.

The what and the why.

What he does. He's nasty.

Why?

Please help me. Again. Why does it feed him to be nasty?
So endlessly fucking nasty.

I absolutely agree, it is all about him, you/we just happen to be the ones who fell for their initial niceness.

And do you really believe that he truly doesn't think its his fault?

Absolutely. It is his truth so he isn't even aware that he's lying. He is the victim in all of this. So he thinks

Would it help to think of him like an overgrown toddler? We know that they are irrational, that a broken biscuit is like the end of the world to them and that they choose to exert control inappropriately and without regard for the wider world. It sounds like your ex is like that - he has stalled in his development when it comes to getting his own way. He understands enough about the world to know that he can't just stamp his feet and demand that everyone capitulate to his outrageous demands, but he is hoping that you will validate his immature insistence that he is the center of the universe by acting as though his thoughts and opinions matter.

He is placing a huge importance on your reaction, because that gives him the semblance of power in a world where he knows that really he has none. He has made you the center of his fantasy world where what he thinks is important, but it only works if you play the game by reacting. Although I can't begin to imagine how it feels to be on the receiving end of this, I have lived with someone who dished this kind of shit out to his partners and it was a mark of his intense insecurity and inferiority complex (probably linked to not being able to maintain a close relationship with anyone because he was such a monumental bellend - sounds like a similar deal with your twatty ex).

Some people pull the wings off flies, OP. You’re giving him too much headspace.

Yes. That is exactly it.

Exactly.

All of it makes sense until the part about needing me to react to make his fantasy true.

I've described him as a fantasist before.

So. His fantasy is that he is The King but he can only prove this to himself by making sure that he can make me unhappy?

it might help not to understand him/his motives but to just accept that he is a shit.

dont blame yourself

dont allow him to control your thoughts and moods anymore (get some professional help with this!)

Brackish

I know. But I'm so tired and yesterday was a very difficult day. Again.

It's that years have gone by. And yesterday again, there he was, desperate to fight me. Again.

It is his absolute best treat. Fighting me. About anything. Everything.

I phoned Women's Aid again. I've read everything, done all their recovery.

But because he's the father of my kids I have to endure his bastard communication.

Yes. I have more help booked.

The moment that made me understand, was when someone told me that they do this (I also had this from my sister and mum as well as the violent ex) is because they are

insecure.

They come across as powerful, controlled, clever, popular, but it’s all because they’re trying to (consciously or unconsciously) keep up the image of themselves they want to portray.

They’re terrified that people will find out the ‘real’ them.

My ex ,9 years after I left, babes in arms, still finds ways to contact me, usually with fake names these days, since he discovered social media which facilitates his bullying easier.

I ignore him, but when he’s feeling hard done by, resentful, lonely, who knows, he always finds a way. Most recent was my wedding where he sent ‘you fat bride’ type of messages.

Ignoring them makes you feel better. They have no control once you ignore them.

If you've read around, have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft?

And what he feeds on is what you're continuing to give him: rent-free space in your head. The solution is to stop looking for answers about him and start focussing on your needs, your plans and your future.

Control. Feeling good because he made someone feEl bad? Your head is yours.

Disclaimer: am no expert on fuckwits.
My ex is a total arse. If he doesn't get the desired response, he will persist in becoming increasingly vile in order to get a reaction, at which point he promptly tells me I am fucked up/a whore/a shit mother/a vile human.
If I do not respond ('grey rock') he turns himself inside out to get me to bite. I get emails telling me that he will kill himself and leave letters for dc detailing what a bitch I am to make him commit suicide because I can't be civil.

Short version- he thinks he is the fucking puppet master and cannot bear to think that I am over him. Sadly for him, karma has been quite mean (or quite awesome...) and he cannot stop being bitter about everything. It's only been a decade...

For me, when I see my ex, he still has that feeling of ownership. He says things to me he would never dream of saying to anyone else, seemingly just to piss me off.

I wondered, is he actually trying to piss me off or does he still feel like in some way he is “in charge” of me. And then I laughted because he blatantly isn’t in charge of me, and so when he comes out with something ridiculous, I laugh and say “yes yes good joke”. And nothing else.

Oh, and it might help you to stop speculating about his motivation as if he were a rational human being like you and the rest of us. Because he just isn't.

I know. I know. I had been doing so well. So, so well. Its his voice. It makes me wither.

And his entitlement. And even in the midst of the most recent episode I never spoke or looked at him. But somehow it keeps him going. It's so odd. Vile.

I don't know why they do it. I have 2 very similar exes.
They like to portray themselves as the victim. If you didn't know me. I'm the bitch, stopped the one seeing his kids for no reason, stole all their money, cheated on them, whore blah blah blah.
I'm none of those things. But they can't let it go.
I do my best to ignore because every time I bite they manage to turn it round to me being the psycho loopy bitch.

I'm not sure it will ever end. I'm 8 years on and 2 years on and it still happens.

The second ex bought the house next door to me - I mean why when he tells everyone how much he hates me???