Can we have a thread about little moments that made you understand the 'why does he do that '? moment.

[OhioOhioOhio]

I'm having a difficult weekend. My abusive and controlling stbxh is working hard to get under my skin. I'm less affected than in years before. But I am still not able to shake the confusion. Why years after our separation he still feels entitled to put me down and speak to me like I'm a piece of shit.

What does he get out of it?

And when will it end?

And I've posted on aibu on purpose. I'm hoping there are some survivors out there who can shed some light on my head space. And in hoping they don't use the relationships board anymore.

Cycling

I didn't decide I'd had enough. I just couldn't stand it for one more second. And the pp who said that fighting for them is a sport. That is exactly it. You can't say anything without being ripped to pieces.

If your 'relationship' is something you recognise in this thread then you must make it stop. Your children should be free. And they should enjoy a mother who can be free in her own space too. It is a truly wonderful thing. Not carrying The Bad Apple around with you.

The rest of you mners. Thank you so much for helping me clear my head. The teddy bear analogy has been excellent now and it's help me remember and piece it all back together.

Women's Aid told me years ago, 'they think they own you'.

I guess that is the answer, for now anyway. He is entitled to speak to me like I'm a piece of shit because I am his property.

I guess I'll take it as a compliment, in recognition of how I am moving my life on. In the summer I did a few things he would have thought were out of my reach, and the same in this holiday too. Its been very happy.

And that is something that is sure to piss him off.

Sorry for no paragraphs. It's my phone app.

It may seem a long time ahead with the access to your kids but there is no truer saying than time flies, so keep that in mind. Sooner than you think, it will be up to your kids if or when they have any contact with him and you won't have to be involved.

In the meantime are you recording every bit of contact you have and when he says anything not neutral/functional?

You seem hung up in why - because he's a wanker, an asshole, a bastard - dysfunctional .. pick any word. There's no shortage of arseholes & bastards and sociopathgs in the world. Plenty of people have scrapes with them, how much impact you let them have in you is up to you.

Bottom line is they're not happy people; otherwise why would they need to behave that way. They may appear happy on the surface but they're not. A truly happy, well adjusted person wouldn't have to try to tear others down and be derogatory to them would they.

Just great him like a mildly not irritating insect, mentally swot it away and concentrate on being happy (including appreciating that you're not with him anymore).

*treat him

@OhioOhioOhio thank you for starting this thread. I am so sorry you are in the same situation, but it is really helping me to read the advice.

What I struggle with more than the why, I think, is the how. I get wrong footed when he uses the DC in his nasty tactics. It shocks and surprises me every time he does it that he is prepared to sacrifice the DCs wellbeing to get to me. I can't anticipate the depths he will go to.

Has anyone got any tips for dealing with that?

The fly swot advice is good. I most of the time manage a deep breath and an annoyed 10 minutes. It's the fact he won't let go. The fact, even now, years later he's desperate for a fight.

This is my biggest worry. That if i leave him, he will use the kids as hostage and do more damage.
It keeps me awake at night. This is my dilemma and it s something outside my control, how he will treat the kids if i leave and manipulate them to hurt me.

He already told them during an argument: Mum is bad. It broke my heart and opened my eye to the fact that he is nasty.

Thanks OP for writing such a helpful thread
⚘

@CyclingMumKingston

I'm not sure quite how to express this, but I will try.

My Ex was damaging the DC's views on me and what are acceptable ways to treat people when we were together anyway. When we are apart, he still does it, but now he sees them less and without me there. So he cannot actually be seen to abuse me any longer. He still talks me down, but they don't see me there in the dynamic so I hope that when they are older they will see it is all him. And now the majority of the time they have me showing them a more decent way to live, showing them how life is so much better for me without his influence grinding me down.

So what I'm trying to say is, yes, he still influences the DC and uses them in his sick strategies to break me, but in time it will all become clear that he is the abuser and I was not involved in his games.

If we were still together, it would be far more damaging for them.

It's as simple and as complex as this: power and control.

Those two things are such basic desires as humans that it's hardly worth trying to understand it.

Somewhere in his life he's gotten twisted to the point where he satisfies his desire for power and control by hurting people, and their hurt reactions confirm to him that he's in control of how they feel, and thus they're under his power.

Thank you pp. But. Why would he want that?

Cycling

A Women's Aid person said to me somewhere along the line that my children would lose respect for me for being weak.

I can't think why you'd stay.

he gets off on seeing he's wound you up. Your best response is choosing not to notice. Takes all the power away from him. Easier said than done I know. Total indifference or better still unawareness of anything he does. Fake it 'till you make it.

Thank you pp. But. Why would he want that?

Because it makes him feel good to get that thrill of control, like a hit of dopamine. It's similar to how it feels momentarily good to flame some stranger on a forum. Putting others down can feel good, it makes you feel more powerful.

Most decent people who aren't damaged or twisted, feel remorse at that, or are decent enough not to be cruel in the first place. Unfortunately this man is not decent. He's got severe character flaws. Either he was born with a tendency to feel inferior or it was due to his upbringing, most likely a combination of the two.

Maybe he's a literal psychopath?

Definitely his upbringing.

Yes. He has some very serious mental illness.

But he is so incredibly plausible as a decent human being.

Ohio I am sorry that you are struggling with this. I don’t really know the answer to this because I am going through it myself but I do like the teddy bear analogy.

It is worth rembering that he only does this because he is in some way damaged and this is the only way he can feel special and important. You may be battered by everything he has put you through but you still have the strength to protect your children so you are so much stronger than him.
I know exactly what you mean about be plausible as a human being. This is the hardest part for me. If he was an obvious thug it would be so much easier to protect my baby (and I would never I have gone near him in the first place). I do think that a lot of the advice given to women who are victims of DV does assume her partner will fit under the obvious thug category and this doesn’t apply to us. However the plausibility is only as mask and sometimes it slips.

Here is a long extract about the teddy analogy.

krismichelle429.tumblr.com/post/88788420898/the-teddy-illusion-in-couple

For me it was chilling to read, almost exactly my experience, apart from I balked at the anti-depressants and never took them.

Also, we had a properly trained marriage counsellor, who, although she didn't "attack" exH, did not buy his stuff about me being hostile or making unreasonable requests.

Another interesting thing in the book is a discussion of the dynamic in an abusive relationship.

The abuser is living in Reality ONE. They may have had a difficult childhood but crucially nothing during their childhood made them realise that this was not OK so they subconsicously reproduce it.

Their partner is living in REALITY TWO. They also had a difficult childhood but someone at some point helped them to see that this was not right, or showed them some compassion.

The abusive relationship feels familiar to them, but they are not abusive themselves because they are in REALITY 2 and interpreting their abusive partner's attitude as having some basis in reality (2) and think there must be some REASON why their partner is behaving this way ("what have I done to provoke him?" "Perhaps he's right and I'm too emotional/sensitive/demanding" "what can I do to make things better?")

A fuller explanation of Reality 1 (Power over) and Reality 2 (Personal power) here :

daniashley.com/reality-1-vs-reality-2-which-one-are-you-living-in-abusive-relationships/

Jamaisjedors that makes so much sense. I have now got both books and started reading them. I find it hard to explain to other people why I have left as sometimes I find it hard to believe myself.

Read the book 'why does he do that' it saved my life in all probability

I found the only way to stop my abusive ex from being vile to me was to go completely NC with him. I had to fight for it in court as CAFCAS thought we should effectively co parent dd. We agreed a compromise of a contact book between us for 3 months while we were waiting for a hearing and it was only when they read that, and some text messages he couldn't help sending that they agreed with me that he was abusive.

All information either went in the book, or he spoke with my mum. It didn't completely stop it, but it wasn't constant. Would that be an option for you?

Would you say i should gather evidence that he is abusive before leaving?

He often says if i leave i ll never get the kids...

I would gather everything I could that may help me in the future. If you never need it that's great. But if you do it's better to have dates and times. I found anyway.

Don't let him use the threat of the dcs to prevent you leaving if you need to leave.

My partners ex is like this, it is predominantly men who act this way but of course it’s not exclusive to them.

It makes me so angry that someone he had a very short and unsuccessful relationship with in his early 20s (over a decade ago) still has this feeling of entitlement over him. She believes she has the right to comment on his clothes, his appearance, his car, his job, and more recently our relationship, all because they ended up with a child from their should have been a 4 month fling relationship.
I’ve tried to understand her motive, to feel sorry for her, to emphasise but it’s pointless, I can’t put myself in the shoes of someone who will openly use their child to hurt the ex. Anything she doesn’t like, it’s “you’re a shit dad” etc etc

I guess the reason they do it is a mix of insecurity, no real control in their own life, unhappiness and a mix of victimising themselves.
Some people are just fucking vile though and it’s utterly pointless to even try to figure them out

Cyclingmumkingston do collect any evidence you can. I went to the GP (ironically to ask for help with ex’s mental health problems). She was brilliant and suggested I go to Women’s Aid.

Apparently if you go to Women’s Aid at the time it does count positively in your favour if it comes to court. I don’t know as I am still going through this.

What I want to know is, why are there so many men out there like this?

My ex is like this. And I also have a son with ex. My constant worry is how I as a mother can make sure my son doesn't turn out to have teddy bear issues like ex.

Where are we going wrong in society and with the ego that men act like this?