Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To ask if you would report family to ss

119 replies

Littlebearstrousers · 26/10/2019 02:31

So if you heard that your 8yo dn was slapped in the face by stepdad and called a "mong" (sorry hate that word but thats what was used) by stepdad. Would you still report to ss even though it was your dsis partner? Its keeping me up, only heard today

OP posts:

avocadoincident · 26/10/2019 10:48

What a ridiculous comment @Wheat2Harvest ....why didn't you just type, 'forget the needs and safety of the child, just don't rock the boat'

newbootsforwinter · 26/10/2019 11:05

OP are you frequently around the family so you know the dynamics, do you live far away and so you are reacting to what your sister has told you, do you have other concerns, is there a bigger picture you haven't mentioned, how are things generally in your sister's home?

Original poster

Littlebearstrousers · 26/10/2019 11:05

They have been together a few years and live together.

I have spoken to ds who was there when it happened but regretted it as she just said 'it was only a tap it wasn't hard' and now im thinking she will tell DN to keep her mouth shut. I did tell DN that I was going to speak to her mum about it because nobody should be hitting her and she did say she was ok with me talking to her but now I think I have done the wrong thing.

OP posts:

littledrummergirl · 26/10/2019 11:06

I would probably handle it all wrong. I would speak to the sd, tell him that I knew what had happened and that from now on he could expect me around every day for coffee with my dsis and that I would also be talking to both dsis and dn alone. If I got the sense that anything was not right or I was prevented from seeing them I would be calling the police.

I would also let all family, friends and neighbours know what had happened and ask them to tell me or call the police if they heard anything.

I would make sure he knew that he was being watched and action would follow if anything unacceptable happened again.
Dsis would get extra hugs and both dsis and dn an open invitation to my home whenever needed.

PhilCornwall1 · 26/10/2019 11:08

he could expect me around every day for coffee with my dsis

That could only work if the sister would allow her around every day "for coffee".

newbootsforwinter · 26/10/2019 11:08

@Lizzie0869 can i please ask - if you had a magic wand to change the past, what would you have wanted to happen, would you have wanted to have been removed or for your mother to be read the riot act and your father to have left but you to remain with your mother with changes supervised or other? I hope you don't mind me asking, it is just that I have read your posts before and I can empathise and I just wondered if you had thought about what would ideally have happened.

Original poster

Littlebearstrousers · 26/10/2019 11:09

I just can't believe she is ok with this and hasn't booted him out tbh.

The whole thing has made me feel sick. I need to do something as if I don't DN will know I have let her down and there is no point in telling me anything in future.

It pisses me off because if this happened in school Ds would be straight down there giving the teacher hell demanding the child that did it be punished but because it is her bf then it is brushed off when in fact it is worse.

OP posts:

PhilCornwall1 · 26/10/2019 11:13

The whole thing has made me feel sick. I need to do something as if I don't DN will know I have let her down and there is no point in telling me anything in future.

In that case, report it, end of really. If your niece confided in you about what happened and you feel you will be letting her down, it's a done deal on what you need to do.

pooopypants · 26/10/2019 11:15

Report. 100%. No doubt.

Lizzie0869 · 26/10/2019 11:18

@newbootsforwinter that's something I've wondered a lot about, especially since becoming an adoptive mum to 2 DDs (10 and 7). DD1 has serious attachment issues despite never being with her birth family at all. So I'm very well aware that removing a child from their family isn't waving a magic wand at all.

What we needed was for my DM to realise what was going on and leave with us. But she didn't. Partly I think because my F had done a number on her. Looking at it as an adult, I can see that he was emotionally and financially abusive towards her, and very controlling. She was aware that he smacked us too hard but did nothing about that.

I think it was also because she was abused as a child herself, after being orphaned at 10.

SingingLily · 26/10/2019 11:22

The whole thing has made me feel sick. I need to do something as if I don't DN will know I have let her down and there is no point in telling me anything in future

I wasn't hit as a child, well, not very often. However, I was physically neglected and emotionally abused from the earliest time I can remember.

It never occurred to me that someone might intervene because I thought everyone knew, that it was normal, that all children had to learn to cope with being cold and hungry and isolated and ignored.

Don't let physical abuse become your niece's "normal".

If her own mother won't protect her, you must. Please.

MissEliza · 26/10/2019 11:22

Op please stop dithering on this. Your dn is not safe in his own home. You need to tell SS.

jacks11 · 26/10/2019 11:28

If OP says her sister is minimising it, talking to her and only doing something “if it happens again” or “if she doesn’t sort it out” are quite risky strategies, in terms of keeping the child safe. Which should be everyone’s priority.

This is because if her sister is minimising (often suggests they know there is an issue but don’t want to face up to it/are scared to address it) but OP brings it up again and says “if it happens again, I’m going to SS”- what do you think will happen if/when it does happen again? Sister and/or partner will make sure that the child does not tell anyone and OP’s sister is unlikely to do so for fear of SS involvement.

Yes, OP was right to speak to her in the first instance but having done that and been brushed off, she needs to do something to protect the child. SS are not likely to immediately remove the child if this one instance is the only issue.

SnowyRacoon · 26/10/2019 11:29

She is putting her DP before her own DD, minimising the tap across the face, but what about the verbal abuse?

I would simply tell her he needs to go and she needs to protect her daughter, if she refuses then report her. Send her an email so its documented her response back to you

newbootsforwinter · 26/10/2019 12:21

@Lizzie0869 thank you for your reply. You have explained why it happened, why your mother didn't act - but what I wondered was - what do you think with hindsight would have been the best thing for you, taking into consideration your mother's limitations and everything else - what course of action do you think would have met your needs best in the circumstances?

Lizzie0869 · 26/10/2019 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSoapyFrog · 26/10/2019 12:33

If your ds knows and is downplaying it and turning a blind eye then yes I would report. This may not be an isolated incident and he will do it again.

Lizzie0869 · 26/10/2019 12:40

@newbootsforwinter I really can't answer that question. It would only have stopped if my F had gone to prison. There were other victims. But he was a qualified barrister, and part of a large paedophile network, so it would have been very unlikely.

In the event, it stopped because he had Parkinson's Disease and became too infirm, and then died 21 years ago when I was 28.

The abuse started very young, so tragically the damage had been done.

Lizzie0869 · 26/10/2019 12:46

My F going to prison would have completely ended it, as my DM played no part in it. We didn't need to be taken into care, my F should have been prosecuted.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5