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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would report family to ss

119 replies

Littlebearstrousers · 26/10/2019 02:31

So if you heard that your 8yo dn was slapped in the face by stepdad and called a "mong" (sorry hate that word but thats what was used) by stepdad. Would you still report to ss even though it was your dsis partner? Its keeping me up, only heard today

OP posts:
CatteStreet · 26/10/2019 08:52

'My DH throws (massively inhibited, gentle) punches and slaps during play fighting...'

I find that rather disturbing, tbh. Your dc know he could choose to disinhibit.

No innocent horsing around I have ever seen or been aware of involves mock punches Hmm

CatteStreet · 26/10/2019 08:54

And I am just beyond words, frostedviolets, that you seem to see it as a normal part of 'play' to use that expression.

You haven't responded to that bit of people's objections.

frostedviolets · 26/10/2019 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellringer · 26/10/2019 08:59

Did the child telll you in confidence? Presume her mum knows you know. You should tell dn you will report, she may be worried about getting into trouble but reassure her she has done nothing wrong. Talk to nspcc, social services, or her school asap. Today.

TheCanterburyWhales · 26/10/2019 09:03

No, frosted, they're probably not But the child at school who they then "play fight" with might be.
There is no such thing as play fighting There is playing, and there is pretending to be violent towards other people.

newbootsforwinter · 26/10/2019 09:23

I don't condone the behaviour of the man obviously - however:

  • there a huge numbers of children going into care at the moment. It is horrific for a child going into care - it is not some happy ever story with rainbows and unicorns for the vast majority of children. The ss is overstretched and you now have private companies involved in looking after children and making huge profits and very unlikely meeting children's needs. The way things are at the moment is not working and needs review and change. In the meantime I would still report if harm was likely but for this situation I would talk first to the family and find out more about the circumstances, say how serious it sounds and what exactly happened and why and try to make headway there, first - but report if you feel the child is at risk.
  • @thecanterburywhales if you google it, in fact play fighting done properly is of great value to children as it teaches them appropriate boundaries, when to carry on, when to stop, difference between fun and hurting someone. Many children naturally want rough and tumble as distinct from violence. Many children are drawn to war and gun situations and it isn't a good idea to just suppress it. Play fighting can be used as an opportunity for teaching empathy and about behaviour, just as Judo or other "fighting" sports can.
Lizzie0869 · 26/10/2019 09:32

Reporting to SS doesn't automatically lead to a child being taken into care, however. There would be an investigation, probably under a Child Protection Plan. If they are taken away from their parents SS would initially look into placing them with another family member and would arrange supervised contact with their parents whilst the investigation is ongoing.

Louiserl · 26/10/2019 09:37

Report it family or not no one should rase a hand to a child end off.

Isitnearlyweekend · 26/10/2019 09:38

He definitely needs reporting to social services. It’s highly unlikely that this is the first time he’s hit her or emotionally abused her. Not sure what @NameChangedNoImagination thinks you should do with the sister. I wouldn’t tell your sister you’re reporting him either. It’s likely they’ll come up with a story to justify the incident. As a child I was physically abused by my dad and stepmum. One of the neighbours reported them to social services who came out. My parents basically twirled the social worker and the abuse continued. Please don’t just leave it. It sounds like life might be be unpleasant for your niece.

MuchBetterNow · 26/10/2019 09:39

Through my previous job I've reported multiple times and nothing ever happened to the scummy parents so don't expect miracles but definitely report.

newbootsforwinter · 26/10/2019 09:42

The situation at the moment appears to be that it is more likely than ever before that children would be removed, though. The money which used to go on supporting families to change now does not, but does somehow get to the privatised companies - or at least this is the assumption looking at reported numbers going into care, and reported profits by the relevant companies.

Just going back to what I said about play fighting, notwithstanding what I said about supporting play fighting generally, I would like to know how a face being slapped comes in during play @frostedviolets i am sure the dc don't find it threatening but i can't imagine how it would be done

JenniferM1989 · 26/10/2019 09:43

I wouldn't report it... yet. As GreatNorthWoods said, time for a little chat first

ElizaDee · 26/10/2019 09:44

I'd tell your sister first. How horrendous would it be for her if the first she heard of it was ss at the door but her own sister already knew

Who cares? She's prepared to stand by and do nothing about this.

Passthecherrycoke · 26/10/2019 09:45

@TheCanterburyWhales I’m not discouraging anyone- didn’t realise it might come across like that.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 26/10/2019 09:47

I'd report it to the police, SS and the school so all three agencies are in the loop. It's amazing how much information gets lost and not shared by multiple agencies.

alreadytaken · 26/10/2019 09:49

yes I would if they wouldnt let me take the child away/ I was not in a position to take them in myself. I am not as horrified by a slap as some but the combination of verbal and physical abuse is too much. A slap alone and I'd probably want to assess how much regret the man felt and if it was likely to be repeated. If he was horrified at what he'd done and determined not to do it again reporting probably wouldnt help.

Threatening the step-father probably only leads to the family being kept away and the abuse becoming more verbal and emotional and less physical.

Kidlacky · 26/10/2019 09:50

Aged 8, i,d be worried about the kids, dendening on what the child had done. If the child had just pushed his little brother under a train, then i,d be worried the father hadnt done enough. To say you should expose a family to the treament of social services, under a tory governement , on a slap in the face...... and a word, you should first think about what you , may put that child through by reporting the family. Then theres the situation where you dont do it, and the child dies, two extreams , both different outcomes entirely. Thats the Law basically..... it depends onthe exact circumstances. Not for you to judge really.

Kidlacky · 26/10/2019 09:53

James Bulgers killers were 8, around that...... the things i,ve heard grown adult women and men say they would like to happen to them. And knowone bats an eyelid, see what i mean? Be careful b4 you judge. Circumstances are complex.

JenniferM1989 · 26/10/2019 09:58

In Scotland, it's now even illegal to smack your kids bum for discipline so if someone had slapped a child in the face, it would be taken seriously here, even more so now. When I was younger, I watched as my friends stepdad dragged her down the stairs by the hair. I was totally horrified and ran home and told my mum who called the police. The stepdad then came to my house and threatened myself and my mum. My mum wasn't having any of it and told him to F off. His dad was a retired police officer so he got away with it. It wasn't until her real dad found out that something happened. He found out where the guy worked and him a friend went and had a 'chat' with him as he left work. Funnily enough, the stepdad moved out soon after..

PhilCornwall1 · 26/10/2019 10:05

@feelingsinister

For those suggesting they would deal with it 'within the family' and talk about giving the stepdad a bit of a beating or whatever, please hear me when I say that is the absolutely worst thing you could do.

I'm going to sound like I am contradicting myself here, as further down the thread, I did agree with a poster that said give the man a kicking.

I also agree with what you have said, but my god, when I hear about people doing this to children, it makes me want to rip their heads off.

Wheat2Harvest · 26/10/2019 10:15

No. Don't report it. It could lead to your family being fractured and all that that entails. Remember that it's possible that whoever told you was either embellishing or got a third-hand message wrong.

Clearly the behavour is unacceptable if it happened. I would speak to the stepdad and ask for his version of events as you are worried. Whatever his version is, he will know that you know and will be more likely to watch his behaviour in future.

Serin · 26/10/2019 10:28

Yes, I would report.

Kidlacky, No I dont see what you mean?
I find your comment "depending on what the child had done, I'd be worried the father hadnt done enough" very weird and quite chilling.
I'd much rather leave interventions to the professionals, and why would a Tory govt make a difference? Do you think they swap all the social workers over to right wing ones when they come to power?

Welltroddenpath · 26/10/2019 10:28

If she disclosed to school then you bet your life 100% this would go to Mash.

You have a difficult choice here as only you know your sister. I would tell your ds that now you know you have a duty to ds as a child and that come so before her as a adult, watching this and choosing a man over her child.

I would ask sis if he was violent to her, does she need help etc. Then if she still minimises it say you are going to have to tell Mash ( they might investigate, tell them off but if ds loves dn she will realise it’s not acceptable so should step up)

If she’s is accepting, sad for her dd then try to help her leave. Tell her then he has zero second chance, again for dn that you must protect dB over him. Reassure ds all the time you love dn, you want dn to be safe, happy, know people willl protect her and to know hitting is not ok

Good luck

IdblowJonSnow · 26/10/2019 10:40

Definitely report it. And I wouldn't give them a heads up, it's just an opportunity for them to minimise/get their stories straight/put the fear of god into your niece.
It's extremely unlikely that this was an isolated incident. I wouldn't bother with the nspcc personally. Straight to Social Services.

Butteredtoast55 · 26/10/2019 10:48

Definitely report. It is anonymous so your sister isn't going to know where it came from. SS are likely to then contact the school your DN attends. The school and/or SS may already have records of concern for all you know, especially if partner has a history of violence. The professionals can add context of the child and how they present and will then have the child on their radar.
No-one would escalate this incident alone to going into care, but it could prevent something terrible happening to your DN. Isn't that the most important thing?

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