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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why DH is with me when he clearly dislikes me?

117 replies

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 08:48

A couple of incidents lately where he just picks arguments and goes in moods for no reason.
Last nights episode ... it was his birthday. He said he wanted to order takeaway and although he normally orders it, he said he wanted me to do it. So I did. He then sits on his computer game for hours. He then comes in complaining that the dogs had walked shit in from the garden and it was my fault as we don’t have patio pavement. I asked how that was my fault and he said he wanted to pave it earlier this year but knew I wouldn’t agree to it??!! He never even talked to me about it. I let it go. He goes back on his game. Food arrives and DH normally likes to serve it but this time said I should do it. I did and he complained that I’d used two plates for the popadoms instead of one and made a snidey comment about “sharing” ?! So I arrange the one plate of popadoms on the coffee table with the pickles as always. He sits there not touching it. I say “why are you not eating?” and he says “I can’t reach it”. Wtf?! So obviously thinking he was joking I laughed and said “well move it closer then?”. He stays dead pan and says “oh? Ok ... move it closer? Ok ... “ he then makes a big show of moving the coffee table so it’s touching his legs. He didn’t speak to me for the remainder of the night.

I’m sick of this shit. I’d done nothing to him at all. He said earlier that he’d had a shit day at work and then later in the night I was pleased to see that his son had listed me as his step mother on Facebook ... it was just a bit of nice recognition so I told DH how pleased I was. He reacted with “well, you must be doing a better job than me because neither of my kids have said happy birthday” ... so he was in a mood about that too. But AIBU to think no matter what he was in a huff about this (this time), he doesn’t get to take it out on me? I’m really sick of it.

OP posts:
Duckduckduck123 · 25/10/2019 08:50

Wanker LTB

Lovethetimeyouhave · 25/10/2019 08:50

I would go to bed and leave him to it, but is this becoming regular?

Whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 25/10/2019 08:53

I don't know how anyone could be bothered with that shit. He sounds like your standard man-child. Hmm
Presumably you're an adult woman? Why is he treating you like a petulant child?
It might seem drastic but that kind of disrespect is relationship ending stuff for me.

Louloulovesyou · 25/10/2019 08:54

Does he always speak to you like that? He sounds childish and controlling!

FinallyHere · 25/10/2019 08:54

to think no matter what he was in a huff about this (this time), he doesn’t get to take it out on me?

You are absolutely correct, that he should not take out his disappointment at not hearing from his sons for his birthday on you

The only control you really have, thought, is whether you stay around.

He does not sound like a very nice person, what would you miss, if you left?

OkayGoooouuuuuullllll · 25/10/2019 08:55

He'd get fuck all from me that's for sure

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 08:55

Yes it’s becoming a regular thing. It’s happened a number of times recently. A couple of weeks ago I told him I was sick of sitting on my own every night while he plays computer games and then going to bed on my own while he stays up playing games. Our sex life is none existent. He said he recognised the problem and would stop staying up on games after I’d gone to to bed and would come to bed with me ... it lasted one night. I shit you not, one fucking night.

OP posts:
Nousernameforme · 25/10/2019 08:56

Is he stressed about something? I can understand he would be hurt by the sons not acknowledging it was his birthday but that's not your fault.

Is this a recent thing if so whats changed?

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 08:59

His attitude towards me has gone downhill these past few weeks. Nothing has changed that I can think of. We’re in a better financial position than we have been for a while ... we have no kids at home now ... both working ... I can’t understand what has started going wrong. It’s as if the better our lives get, the more depressing and stressful it gets. I can’t understand it.

OP posts:
OlderthenYoungerNow · 25/10/2019 09:00

Bloody hell. All that would really upset me and I'd struggle to keep calm if someone was talking to me like absolute shot in that way. I'd have to get to the bottom of it and make plans to leave especially if I didn't have young kids with him

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 25/10/2019 09:00

Last night he was a tossed. What's he like the rest of the time - you said the had been a couple of incidents?

To be honest I can't help but think this is behaviour that a narcissistic or abusive partner would do.

OlderthenYoungerNow · 25/10/2019 09:00

Shit, not shot.

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 09:02

The rest of the time he’s distant and quite frankly, boring. All he wants to do is play on his computer game.

OP posts:
Zebraaa · 25/10/2019 09:03

It would really upset me too. But it does sound like he’s depressed (not that that’s an excuse to treat others like shit) and it was pretty harsh his kids not wishing him happy birthday.
I’d ask how what you asked us... why doesn’t he leave it he’s not happy with you. See what his response is. Call him out on his shit.

Kaddm · 25/10/2019 09:05

Get rid. It can only get worse. You have no kids with him so just be done with this.

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 09:05

A couple of weeks ago during another incident (he accused me of wanting to have an affair with a bloke from my dog walking group?!) I suggested we get divorced. He agreed immediately and said I could sort it all out as he was too busy. So I looked into it and then he said he didn’t want a divorce if I didn’t etc ...?! He’s just fucking with my head and I’m sick of it.

OP posts:
SignOnTheWindow · 25/10/2019 09:06

Revolting behaviour from him, OP.

Candle1000 · 25/10/2019 09:06

He’s messing with your brain , my abusive ex used to pull shit like this . He used to set me up in order to then have a go at me eg I’d ask him what table he would like to sit at in a cafe , he’d tell me to choose and when I did he’d tell me I’d chosen the wrong table .

It’s actually very damaging to your mental well-being.

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 25/10/2019 09:07

"You've been pretty distant with me recently, and your behaviour towards me yesterday was nasty. What's going on?"

MrsMozartMkII · 25/10/2019 09:08

Have you tried talking to him about the whole situation?

If there's no drive for him to improve you need to consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

Fairylea · 25/10/2019 09:08

Well this sounds fun. Not.

Surely you’d be better off without him? He’s a joy leech.

Mishappening · 25/10/2019 09:09

Why is DH with you?.......why are you with him?!

FarAwaySheep · 25/10/2019 09:09

You're wondering why he's with you?

I'm wondering why you're with him.

DonningDaFlameProof · 25/10/2019 09:10

I'm not an expert but I think it can be common for couples to suffer once the kids have left. They're no longer there as a buffer or a distraction, the Stark reality of the wife/husband is suddenly revealed, often as someone who has changed dramatically since having children

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 25/10/2019 09:10

Could he be having an affair, op? A few times on here men have started behaving revoltingly and an affair has been the cause.