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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why DH is with me when he clearly dislikes me?

117 replies

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 08:48

A couple of incidents lately where he just picks arguments and goes in moods for no reason.
Last nights episode ... it was his birthday. He said he wanted to order takeaway and although he normally orders it, he said he wanted me to do it. So I did. He then sits on his computer game for hours. He then comes in complaining that the dogs had walked shit in from the garden and it was my fault as we don’t have patio pavement. I asked how that was my fault and he said he wanted to pave it earlier this year but knew I wouldn’t agree to it??!! He never even talked to me about it. I let it go. He goes back on his game. Food arrives and DH normally likes to serve it but this time said I should do it. I did and he complained that I’d used two plates for the popadoms instead of one and made a snidey comment about “sharing” ?! So I arrange the one plate of popadoms on the coffee table with the pickles as always. He sits there not touching it. I say “why are you not eating?” and he says “I can’t reach it”. Wtf?! So obviously thinking he was joking I laughed and said “well move it closer then?”. He stays dead pan and says “oh? Ok ... move it closer? Ok ... “ he then makes a big show of moving the coffee table so it’s touching his legs. He didn’t speak to me for the remainder of the night.

I’m sick of this shit. I’d done nothing to him at all. He said earlier that he’d had a shit day at work and then later in the night I was pleased to see that his son had listed me as his step mother on Facebook ... it was just a bit of nice recognition so I told DH how pleased I was. He reacted with “well, you must be doing a better job than me because neither of my kids have said happy birthday” ... so he was in a mood about that too. But AIBU to think no matter what he was in a huff about this (this time), he doesn’t get to take it out on me? I’m really sick of it.

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 25/10/2019 09:25

Get rid, he won't change. He has already shown you that after coming to bed with you for one night and then reverting back to his old ways. Life's too short for this shit

Ellie56 · 25/10/2019 09:25

Life is too short to put up with this shit. I'd either dump him or move out.

Cherrio · 25/10/2019 09:27

I can relate OP but in my case it's more that I get the silent treatment for no obvious reason rather than nit picking. It feels very hostile and used to really upset me. However, now I just let him get on with it and carry on living my life as best as I can. I don't allow him to give me his shit. I have told him that every time this happens I'm one step closer to leaving and I mean it - this behaviour erodes any love I feel. My advice is to focus on yourself. Leave him to it, go and do something you enjoy. Don't over analyse - that's up to him. What is it with these men that can't own their own shit! I feel your pain OP.

GuessWhoColeen · 25/10/2019 09:29

How long is he staying downstairs on his own for every night?

Time to chat to people/someone online?

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/10/2019 09:30

He sounds awful, that’s a horrible way for you to live. Can you afford to divorce him?.

sarahjconnor · 25/10/2019 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 25/10/2019 09:34

Is he cheating on you, do you think? A guilty mind judges others by their own standards.

penisbeakers · 25/10/2019 09:35

My marriage ended because of computer games. He spent all his time playing and completely ignored me, leaving me to do all the house work and also telling me when he was hungry. I snapped one day and told him, "you know where the fucking kitchen is."

I told him things had to change or I was out. They improved for about a month and then he was sucked back in. I packed two suitcases of things, and went to my mother's and filed for divorce.

It was fucking painful, but I did it. He wasn't going to change.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 25/10/2019 09:37

Sounds like a narcissist to me. You are being emotionally abused.

visit narcsite.com

MonsterMashedSpud · 25/10/2019 09:38

He may be chatting to another woman on his computer. Online worlds like second life are full of married men engaging in pixelated sex/fetishes.

Quite often the accuser is doing the cheating.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 25/10/2019 09:38

You're wondering why he's with you?

I'm wondering why you're with him.

I was thinking the above, as well - and then I RTFT and realised that you are worried about your dog - I would be, too. You wouldn't be the first person to stick to a horrible partner for the sake of the dog*.

How old is she? Is she comfortable being left for 3-4 hours? I know you can't afford full "Doggy daycare", but would you be able to afford someone to come in once a day and walk her for an hour, or even half and hour, so she can go to the toilet and also knows that she hasn't been abandoned?

I completely understand this - the number of animals, particularly dogs - which are the forgotten sufferers in relationship breakdowns is immense. I freely admit that things would have to be really bad at home (ie violence) before I would put my dogs through it if I could possibly help it. And I certainly wouldn't leave an animal with a violent man, so I'd be in the same position as you OP (I know your H isn't violent) in that I'd have to find some way of taking them with me. It's not easy.

The very small consolation is that he's a shit in general and not just to you. No the wonder his boys don't bother with his birthday. This is a horrible situation for you and your dog will pick up on it too if you are unhappy.

*My neighbour's (married) son returned to live with his parents a few years ago. That was after their dog (a very bouncy boxer) had died. Apparently his wife had told him that she'd only stopped with him for the sake of the dog, and now it was gone she was leaving. Neighbour couldn't understand it. I could.

WizardOfAus · 25/10/2019 09:38

It sounds like he’s having a midlife crisis and everything is your fault.

hellswelshy · 25/10/2019 09:38

This sounds awful op. How long has this behaviour gone on for? I would have to have a serious discussion with him, he needs to know how close you are to the edge. Make it perfectly clear if things don't change that you will be ending it. His reaction and subsequent effort should tell you all you need to know.

UpfieldHatesWomen · 25/10/2019 09:39

He sounds like my ex, and reading this brought the same heaviness I used to feel around him back to me, I wouldn't go back to that if you paid me a fortune. This man is literally a ball and chain dragging you down. My ex had a belligerent personality like this, taking it all out on you day in, day out, when it's not your fault. It's like water on a stone, wearing you down little by little all the time. You have to be the upbeat one no matter what problems you might be having yourself. My ex would do nothing but play computer games too. I finally left him when he got violent, don't let that be you, OP, get out now, he's not going to change.

Bellringer · 25/10/2019 09:40

Take the dog and go stay with family or friend for a few days.
See how you both feel after that. Dog care and money are practical problems you can sort out. A shit relationship that he won't acknowledge will wear you down.

NoSquirrels · 25/10/2019 09:40

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. He's certainly behaving like one.

There must be a solution to the dog? Start looking around, ask dog-walking friends?

FuriousVexation · 25/10/2019 09:40

I suggested we get divorced. He agreed immediately

This says everything.

Start making plans. See a solicitor re any division of property.

Regarding your dog, do you live close enough to whip back at lunchtime and take dog out for a quick walk? If it's a long way, could you request split shifts, e.g. 7am-1pm and then 3pm-7pm to give you more time? If that isn't feasible, hiring a dog walker is a possibility at £10-20 per day (depending where you are in the country.) You sound well educated and literate - I'm sure you can find some extra work doing stuff such as writing articles or proof reading, online, which you could do to cover that cost.

The guy you're with is a shit. Don't let him bring you down. Make a plan and get out.

Seaweed42 · 25/10/2019 09:42

Wow. The guy cannot communicate so has to resort to behavioural stunts to get his point across.
This is mainly to do with your partner and his own childhood.
You have become his 'mother' and he is reacting with anger to you because of anger towards his own mother (or some other caregiver in his life). He is unconsciously punishing you for her 'crimes' of giving her attention to someone/anything else.
I suspect if you started a conversation about buying a lettuce, he would get angry with you for talking about something else not him.
You might notice he is worse if you talk about another person in any context. If you talk about your son in front of him, I would suspect you get a tantrum thrown later on. What the child in him is screaming all the time is 'What about ME??? Why don't you love ME?? Why are you talking about THEM, not ME???'
It's like the toddler trying to grab the phone off you, what they are doing is getting the attention re-focused on them.
I suspect he did not get the attention he needed as a child, and now that is coming back up because you are in the adult female carer role.
Anyway that's his shit to deal with. He's an adult. You can't fix it for him. Do not accept his bad behaviour. But try to clearly state it to him and not resort to your own behavioural stunts to get your point across.

Whattodoabout · 25/10/2019 09:42

My DH was being a wanker a few weeks ago. He was constantly moody and kept getting stroppy with me for no reason. One night I just snapped and asked him to tell me wtf was wrong with him. Turned out he was stressed about a few different things I had no idea about and he had bottled it all up because he knew I already had a lot of stress myself.

He’s possibly bottling something up and isn’t sure how to broach the subject with you.

UpfieldHatesWomen · 25/10/2019 09:42

Someone can foster your dog while you get yourself sorted out. If you don't have a friend or family member who can do this, there are charities. You can make it work, seriously, get out.

NoProblem123 · 25/10/2019 09:42

Only read the first sentence - ughh.

LTB

HeyMissyYouSoFine · 25/10/2019 09:43

Could you use something like this we-love-pets.co.uk/services/dog-walking/ - so the dog isn't alone all day?

hovatn · 25/10/2019 09:45

I suggested we get divorced. He agreed immediately and said I could sort it all out as he was too busy. So I looked into it and then he said he didn’t want a divorce if I didn’t etc ...

His first reaction was to agree to the divorce. So get on and do it. He's "too busy" - he has no respect for your time. His time is more important.
Start thinking of possible solutions for the dog situation.

Some others have suggested an affair - could be an online affair.
Or he could be addicted to gaming. I had an ex who was completely addicted to the internet - and he used to behave in a similar way to your DH when anything at all interrupted his gaming time. He also expected food put next to him within his reach and it to be cut up so that he could eat it with one hand. He'd randomly go off on one about things.

Either way, affair or addiction, it sounds to me like the marriage is over or on its last legs.

Dita73 · 25/10/2019 09:45

If my husband had spoken to me like that he’d have been wearing his dinner. The bloke’s an arse. Tell him to sort himself out or move out

OneTerrificMouse · 25/10/2019 09:47

You definitely need to follow up on the divorce thing. And then work something out for the dog.