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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why DH is with me when he clearly dislikes me?

117 replies

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 08:48

A couple of incidents lately where he just picks arguments and goes in moods for no reason.
Last nights episode ... it was his birthday. He said he wanted to order takeaway and although he normally orders it, he said he wanted me to do it. So I did. He then sits on his computer game for hours. He then comes in complaining that the dogs had walked shit in from the garden and it was my fault as we don’t have patio pavement. I asked how that was my fault and he said he wanted to pave it earlier this year but knew I wouldn’t agree to it??!! He never even talked to me about it. I let it go. He goes back on his game. Food arrives and DH normally likes to serve it but this time said I should do it. I did and he complained that I’d used two plates for the popadoms instead of one and made a snidey comment about “sharing” ?! So I arrange the one plate of popadoms on the coffee table with the pickles as always. He sits there not touching it. I say “why are you not eating?” and he says “I can’t reach it”. Wtf?! So obviously thinking he was joking I laughed and said “well move it closer then?”. He stays dead pan and says “oh? Ok ... move it closer? Ok ... “ he then makes a big show of moving the coffee table so it’s touching his legs. He didn’t speak to me for the remainder of the night.

I’m sick of this shit. I’d done nothing to him at all. He said earlier that he’d had a shit day at work and then later in the night I was pleased to see that his son had listed me as his step mother on Facebook ... it was just a bit of nice recognition so I told DH how pleased I was. He reacted with “well, you must be doing a better job than me because neither of my kids have said happy birthday” ... so he was in a mood about that too. But AIBU to think no matter what he was in a huff about this (this time), he doesn’t get to take it out on me? I’m really sick of it.

OP posts:
SatansReject · 25/10/2019 09:10

@WomensRightsAreContraversial he’d just deny it ever happened. He denied it all last time and then spun it around on me saying I was clearly fancying another bloke and that’s why MY behaviour has changed

OP posts:
Verily1 · 25/10/2019 09:11

He’s gaslighting you.

Just get on with divorce proceedings.

Make sure you have all the paperwork you need esp re his finances.

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 25/10/2019 09:11

That dog walking incident is horrible. Do you want to stay with him? Bevause used he's pulling this shit often i'd be taking the decision out of his hands and divorcing him.

Is he a bit shit with his children too, is that that maybe why they didn't celebrate his birthday?

Bananalanacake · 25/10/2019 09:12

you have no dc at home so no point in living with him.

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 09:12

We don’t have kids together. We each have kids from previous relationships but they’re grown up and left now. My youngest left this year, my eldest left last year.

I sometimes wish he was having an affair, at least I’d have answers. I don’t see how he can be though, he never leaves the house unless it’s for work.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 09:12

You don’t need to wonder why he’s with you, you need to examine why you’re with him.

He sounds awful.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 25/10/2019 09:13

The patio comment really brought everything back to me OP. My ex would say things like that on a daily basis.... everything was my fault, it was so ridiculous.
You need to get out!

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 25/10/2019 09:13

Gas lighting little shit!

Right - time to get everything in order and perfect your grey rock technique.

BertieBotts · 25/10/2019 09:16

Life is too short. You don't sound like you're getting anything positive out of this relationship. What use is it to ponder why he is doing anything when you could have much more free time by simply booting the miserable sod out of your life.

AngelsSins · 25/10/2019 09:17

How long do you think you’re going to live that you’ve got years to throw away on this joy sucking, whining baby? How does having him around make your life better?

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 09:17

This is how bad he is ... last weekend we’d arranged to take our youngest boys to cinema to see the joker film. I arranged to go in the day time with my son as a) I wanted some alone time with him and b) I wanted the house to myself for the evening while he went out and c) I assumed he’d want alone time with his son. So I went, movie was great ... got home ... took dog for a nice walk around a nature reserve ... got home to find DH and his son sat on the couch watching a shit copy of Joker that he’d downloaded (complete with people getting up and walking around in the cinema in front of the screen). I said “I thought you were going to cinema?” And he said he didn’t feel well. His son had been looking forward to this movie at cinema all week.

OP posts:
SpiderCharlotte · 25/10/2019 09:17

Why is DH with you?.......why are you with him?!

This ^^.

You don't need to put up with this shit.

MulticolourMophead · 25/10/2019 09:18

Could there be an OW?

That fhiscis generally recent behaviour, and he's accusing you of an affair(which could be projection) makes me wonder if this is a possibility.

vdbfamily · 25/10/2019 09:18

Have you told him he is making you miserable and asked him why he is so unhappy and grumpy. I would put it back to him to explain why he has changed so much. Maybe he hates his job or something.

TheStuffedPenguin · 25/10/2019 09:18

It sounds as if he is blaming you for everything . Men often do this when they want to convince themselves that their life is unhappy . Is there any chance he could be having an affair or has an interest in someone else ?

SabineUndine · 25/10/2019 09:20

It sounds as though he wants to divorce, but wants to be able to blame you for it.

eddielizzard · 25/10/2019 09:21

Is this how you want to live? You don't need more justification.

Vulpine · 25/10/2019 09:21

So hes a middle aged gamer?

BlingLoving · 25/10/2019 09:21

well, he sounds like a shit husband and a shit dad. I feel sorry for his kids as much as i do for him. I think it's ultimatum time - step up or step out.

PlasticPatty · 25/10/2019 09:22

Right. Well, you're not responsible for how badly he treats his son.
He's behaving really badly.
If you do want a divorce, please get on with it. Don't waste any more of your life on him, he's a pain in the arse.

Imagine your own little place, children visit, no sulker hanging around trying to make you feel bad about nothing...

Butterflyone12e · 25/10/2019 09:22

You need to speak to him and explain how unhappy you are. You shouldn't live like this.

IdblowJonSnow · 25/10/2019 09:23

You need to go your own way op.
Ducks in a row. His poor kids. He sounds horrible.

Whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 25/10/2019 09:23

It’s as if the better our lives get, the more depressing and stressful it gets. I can’t understand it.

The other areas of your life are good. This highlights the lack of satisfaction in your relationship. You've seen you can be happy in other areas so an unhappy home life is glaringly obvious now in comparison.
You deserve much better than he is willing to give.

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 09:24

Sounds awful but the only thing keeping me here is my dog. I simply can’t live without her and in order to leave I’d have to work full time ... I can’t leave her on her own all day and couldn’t afford day care for a full week.

OP posts:
MinTheMinx · 25/10/2019 09:25

He spends most of his time playing computer games? As an adult?? Why on earth would anyone choose to live with someone like this? Men with arrested development make my skin crawl and it doesn't sound like he's doing much for you either OP.