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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder why DH is with me when he clearly dislikes me?

117 replies

SatansReject · 25/10/2019 08:48

A couple of incidents lately where he just picks arguments and goes in moods for no reason.
Last nights episode ... it was his birthday. He said he wanted to order takeaway and although he normally orders it, he said he wanted me to do it. So I did. He then sits on his computer game for hours. He then comes in complaining that the dogs had walked shit in from the garden and it was my fault as we don’t have patio pavement. I asked how that was my fault and he said he wanted to pave it earlier this year but knew I wouldn’t agree to it??!! He never even talked to me about it. I let it go. He goes back on his game. Food arrives and DH normally likes to serve it but this time said I should do it. I did and he complained that I’d used two plates for the popadoms instead of one and made a snidey comment about “sharing” ?! So I arrange the one plate of popadoms on the coffee table with the pickles as always. He sits there not touching it. I say “why are you not eating?” and he says “I can’t reach it”. Wtf?! So obviously thinking he was joking I laughed and said “well move it closer then?”. He stays dead pan and says “oh? Ok ... move it closer? Ok ... “ he then makes a big show of moving the coffee table so it’s touching his legs. He didn’t speak to me for the remainder of the night.

I’m sick of this shit. I’d done nothing to him at all. He said earlier that he’d had a shit day at work and then later in the night I was pleased to see that his son had listed me as his step mother on Facebook ... it was just a bit of nice recognition so I told DH how pleased I was. He reacted with “well, you must be doing a better job than me because neither of my kids have said happy birthday” ... so he was in a mood about that too. But AIBU to think no matter what he was in a huff about this (this time), he doesn’t get to take it out on me? I’m really sick of it.

OP posts:
womenspeakout · 25/10/2019 09:49

No wonder his kids haven't bothered with him, he sounds like a huge asshole.

You say you wonder why he's with you as he doesn't seem to like you, be honest, do you like him? I can't see why you would personally.

Mollymoo01 · 25/10/2019 09:50

Do you have any friends or family that would take your dog for afternoons or a couple of full days a week that you could work a dog sitter or dog daycare around? That way you’re not paying for a full week of dog sitting.

I would take a friends dog twice a week if they needed it so it would be worth asking around your family/friends.

ControversialFerret · 25/10/2019 09:53

Dog walker. I work from home but have to travel and occasionally have long days. I have a dog walker who comes in to walk my two. They are totally lazy so don't want more than 20 minutes so he spends the rest of the hour in the house with them, fussing and cuddling them. They love him and he does a great job. It costs me £15 for the hour but he does do half hour visits as well. Look into it - I bet you'd find someone able to cover you.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 09:55

got home to find DH and his son sat on the couch watching a shit copy of Joker that he’d downloaded (complete with people getting up and walking around in the cinema in front of the screen). I said “I thought you were going to cinema?” And he said he didn’t feel well. His son had been looking forward to this movie at cinema all week.

It's no wonder his kids didn't bother wishing him happy birthday, you shouldn't have bothered your arse either.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 09:57

Sounds awful but the only thing keeping me here is my dog. I simply can’t live without her and in order to leave I’d have to work full time ... I can’t leave her on her own all day and couldn’t afford day care for a full week.

You will figure that out without having to give her up

Windygate · 25/10/2019 09:58

If the DC have left home I'm assuming there is at least on spare bedroom. Move him or you, which ever you prefer, into the spare room. You will have to do the work as he is simply too lazy but you can then make your room a safe haven, even adding a lock for privacy.

Whilst you are working towards a divorce you can live as flat mates. Do your own cooking, laundry etc and let him get on with sorting himself out.

CarolDanvers · 25/10/2019 09:58

I wouldn't put up with this for five more minutes and yes I did leave a marriage for similar. Two actually. I've given up on living with anyone but my children now.

Butterymuffin · 25/10/2019 10:02

Focus on finding a solution for the dog. Then you know you can go forward from there and not attend to any of his nasty behaviour anymore.

GabriellaMontez · 25/10/2019 10:08

Do you own your home? Start making plans to leave. That's it. Life is too short for that kind of shit.

Candle1000 · 25/10/2019 10:11

When I was in your situation my problem was having a very young baby instead of a dog. I still left , had to go from not working at all to working full time . It can be done Op , there’s always a way .

cookingonwine · 25/10/2019 10:17

Sounds like my DH abit. My DH likes to blame me for everything which is wrong so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his own actions. This normally happens when he is stressed and depressed. DH doesn't understand why I dislike him when his behaviour is like this, he believes I should support him more however it's hard when you dislike them at the time. Sorry bit of a personal rant there.

My advice would be sit down and ask him what is going on and see if he can recognise his change of behaviour.

floffel · 25/10/2019 10:20

He’s using you to take out everything he’s unhappy about in his life on. what would he be doing if he was single?

Frankly, if he can’t find another way to sort out his negative emotions rather than taking it out on you, I’d leave him.

SlothMama · 25/10/2019 10:30

It sounds like there's no future for either of you tbh, LTB

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/10/2019 10:32

Whatever you do, don't let him build a patio. The temptation to bury him under it would be too much for most people and he isn't worth serving a life sentence for!
Before the last few weeks, was your relationship good? Did it feel worth fighting for? Or is this just the escalation of behaviour which was previously just not great and is now becoming outright hostile and nasty?

PancakeAndKeith · 25/10/2019 10:52

Do you own or rent?

If owned do you own together?

It sounds like neither of you are getting anything out of this relationship and it needs to end.

PlanningApplication · 25/10/2019 10:54

You'll work out something for your DDog. There must be retied people locally who could walk for you, or teens before / after school for pocket money. Honestly OP, don't let that stop you. This your life. One time only. You're miserable with this man and you deserve better. Get your divorce underway. Who knows what's round the corner? Don't waste another day.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2019 11:01

I sometimes wish he was having an affair, at least I’d have answers

You have an answer though, he's a complete twat. It really is as simple as that.

It sounds the perfect time to leave - no dependants, you work, you would have so much happier a home life. So it's just the dog. It's completely up to you - I would suggest looking into dog walking/homecare services, if that really is the only reason you either decide you're going to make it happen or you put up with living like this. Start doing the sums.

He'll get worse, by the way - this is about getting older, having your chickens start to come home to roost, he's only going to get more bitter and nasty as time goes on, his kids make it more and more obvious that they don't like him, work slows and he starts to feel 'is that it?' It always seems to work this way with the man-children: they have spent their whole adult lives with a fairly fragile sense of self, so when the challenging mid-life phase comes along and they have to start facing it head-on, they can't hack it. Cue grumpy, nasty, vindictive little sulker who takes out his resentment at life on the one person who will put up with it - their partner.

Don't put up with it. You don't need him, he gives nothing back, so ditch him.

RegretnaGreen · 25/10/2019 11:02

I would look into finding someone that will have your dog part time.

We are not going to replace our stellar megadog when he has gone due to our circumstances but once we have moved house and settled I am going to try and find someone that will let me have their dog in the day only. I won't be able to commit to a dog of my own but I wouldn't be able to live without daily nose boops and doggy cuddles.

I can't belive I am the only person that feels this way.

loobyloo1234 · 25/10/2019 11:15

He sounds utterly shit OP. Have an LTB from me

hovatn · 25/10/2019 11:19

I also think you will be able to find someone who can take your dog out for walks. Make some enquiries - would a family member or friend be able to do it once or twice a week. Is there a walking service that is cheaper than doggy daycare? Could the dog go to doggy daycare a couple of times per week? Get some quotes and work out how you could finance this.
I am absolutely sure there is a solution. There are plenty of people who love dogs but are unable to have one of their own. My catsitter for holidays etc. is a neighbour who absolutely loves cat but unfortunately his daughter developed an allergy and he can't have cats anymore.
Do ask around.
If this is the only thing stopping you divorcing this mega knob manchild, then obviously divorce is the right thing for you. You haven't said you still love manchild or he has his good qualities etc - you've simply said you can't leave because you can't afford daycare for the dog.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/10/2019 11:20

I guess it’s up to you OP - give some thought to how you’d manage your dog once you leave, or just put up with the misery for the rest of your life.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/10/2019 11:22

Ps or are you intending to stay as long as your dog is alive? How old is she?

KatyCarrCan · 25/10/2019 11:31

The question isn't why he's with you if he dislikes you but why are you with him when you feel he dislikes you? You need to take control and make changes.

PancakeAndKeith · 25/10/2019 11:37

order to leave I’d have to work full time

Now there are countless reasons for someone to work part time but given that you don’t have children this surprises me.

Whose idea was it that you could go part time?
I could be completely wrong but I wonder if he knows that you going part time meant that it would be harder for you to leave.

xJodiex · 25/10/2019 11:49

Is the things he plays games on hooked up to internet? He might not be 100% 'playing a computer game'?

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