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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To chuck her stuff in the bin?

108 replies

biggirlknickers · 25/10/2019 07:57

DD, 11, keeps her bedroom in a complete mess. I have tried incentives - 6 weeks ago I offered a cinema trip if she tidied it up but she still hasn’t done it. She says she doesn’t know where to start and I need to help her but I really don’t see why I should - I manage to single-handedly keep the whole of the rest of the house clean and tidy!

She is just being lazy. She spends all her time watching tv and playing games on her phone (another issue I need to deal with - any suggestions welcomed). She is very loving and fun to be with but is also extremely argumentative when challenged on her habits and I must admit, I actively avoid situations which spark her attitude because I hate confrontation and I’m full of parental guilt (a whole other thread) and blame myself for everything.

I would ignore the bedroom but for two reasons - 1:, the room is very near the front door so is visible to any visitors, and 2:, it is shared with her sister so she has to live with it too which isn’t fair on her.

I have a rare day off today and I’m thinking of going in there with bin bags and literally throwing away everything from the floor.

I also need advice on how to move forward with this - re tidying and screen time.

I feel like a really pathetic parent reading all this back!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/10/2019 07:58

Take an armful of stuff and dump it on her bed. Remove screens. Return them when the stuff on the bed is put away. Repeat as necessary.

snozzlemaid · 25/10/2019 08:00

I would give her small steps to get her started. She's asked for your help as she doesn't know where to start.
If you're not going to physically help her, give her clear instructions one step at a time. For example, pick up all clothes from floor. Then move onto next step.
It can be daunting if faced with such a big task. Help her to see each little step.

DeadDoorpost · 25/10/2019 08:02

My mum did. And then gave me a bag at a time to sort through. Otherwise it took me all day to do something that should only take 15 mins tops.

As for screen time, I'd quite happily take away the phone if it were either of my kids. My DB and DSis have a list of things they have to do before they're allowed their phones, such as making sure beds are made, being dressed, and to have read for at least 20 mins. There's more on the list, but you get the idea.

As it is, my kids are very young so what I'd do is probably not the best solution.

quincejamplease · 25/10/2019 08:03

You created this by failing to have and enforce boundaries. That is what needs to change. Not all this cowardly, passive aggressive bullshit. Start parenting.

I really don’t see why I should - I manage to single-handedly keep the whole of the rest of the house clean and tidy!

  1. You're presumably not 11 and have had years of experience and I imagine at times other people teaching and helping you as you developed skills and coping mechanisms. I don't know why you think you're in competition with your child on who has it hardest.
  1. You've just come on here to ask for help with something that feels too huge and overwhelming to even know how to begin tackling it. But you think your 11 year old child should be denied the same kind of support you want for yourself? Wow.

I can see why she gets frustrated. You're being incredibly unfair and selfish.

Petrichor11 · 25/10/2019 08:03

You should help her clean it, show her where to start and what order to go in and how to maintain it.

Right now she’s overwhelmed, and has asked for your help which you refused. Unless you’ve left out the part where you’ve helped on previous occasions and she knows full well how to go about it, YABU. Yes it’s frustrating but she needs you to show her how.

Then next time when she knows what to do and where to start you can go for the bin bag approach.

LuckyAmy1986 · 25/10/2019 08:07

I would take the phone away for a start until it’s done. She can only sit around on her phone if you let her surely? But personally I would help her get it done and dusted, or at least tell her exactly what to do. From then on, she gets her phone if her room is tidy, every day. It needs to be kept on top of.

But yeah, I would help her.

Hwory · 25/10/2019 08:07

As an ex messy child I can tell you throwing away all my stuff doesn’t give the sharp shock into becoming a better person parents think it does, just upset me and caused arguments.

I genuinely did not know how to start or what to do. Helping does not mean doing it for her. It can be listing the things she needs to do so it doesn’t seem so overwhelming.

I also don’t get that you just avoid situations and let her stay playing video games to avoid confrontation but want to bin her stuff. What do you think is gonna happen when she gets home?

Sit her down and tell her you two are going to tackle the room. If she refuses then have consequences.

comfysocks · 25/10/2019 08:09

She said she doesn't know where to start and asked for your help. I don't understand why you would not help in some way.

You could do it together to get it done, discuss ways to organise things and spend some time together.
Or you could help as pp suggested by breaking down the tasks for her to make more manageable and then getting her to actually do the tidying.

Beamur · 25/10/2019 08:09

Why not help her?
Put aside 30 minutes, you can chat while you do it and then maybe do something nice like have a drink and a cake together?
Job done, time spent together and it's not a chore.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 25/10/2019 08:09

She's 11. Helping her is not an unusual or unreasonable ask. Chucking her stuff out however would be. It's her stuff!

StylishMummy · 25/10/2019 08:14

I think you should her help once and write out instructions as you go.

  1. Dirty washing in the laundry
  2. Clean clothes folded/hung
  3. Magazines and paper tidied
  4. .... and so on
CileyMayRhinovirus · 25/10/2019 08:16

A lot of people do struggle to know how to tidy up when things have got out of hand. It's not your job to do it for her, but it is your job to teach her how. I would bag everything up, clean the room. Then start going through the first bag with her until that's all put away. Then start on the second. Because teaching an 11 year old how to tidy up for themselves is easier than teaching an older teenager, and because you do not want her to get to adulthood without being able to do this for herself. I know it's frustrating and feels like this should be her job, but she has asked you to help her, so use this opportunity to teach the life lesson, not the opportunity to teach her a lesson IYSWIM.

And when it looks lovely and tidy, she can have her device back.

At the end of the day spend 5 mins doing this with her until it becomes a habit for her to put laundry away, bin out, tidy desk, make bed, put toys and books away, that kind of thing. I know it's a lot of work initially, but if you do this for a few months now, these will be ingrained personal habits she will carry with her for a life time.

Also, does she actually like the space? Once she's got the place clean and tidy and is maintaining it with just a little input, arrange a shopping trip and go get some nice bedding, and some bits she might like for her bedroom. It might be that sharing means she feels like she doesn't have her own space and doesn't value it, so find a way to create somewhere lovely for her, even if it's just a nicely made bed and some new posters on the walls.

Whattodoabout · 25/10/2019 08:18

Just help her out one time and if it gets messy again, it’s down to her to deal with. It’s obviously got too much and she doesn’t know how to get on top of it, she’s only 11 just give her a break.

Why isn’t her sister helping if it’s also her room?

AmIThough · 25/10/2019 08:18

I also think you should help her on this occasion and then ensure it's kept clean and tidy moving forward

TreePeepingWatcher · 25/10/2019 08:21

Let it go for today, then tell her tomorrow is room tidy day. Tomorrow, get a dining chair or something comfortable to sit on and sit in the doorway where you can dispense advice.

She can do it for 15 minutes then take a 5 minute break then back to it for 15 minutes.

The only way for her to keep on top of it is for you to keep on top of her. EVERY night at a particular time it is tidy up time. You can stand in the doorway and watch over her whilst she does it. If the room starts tidy then it can not get that messy in a day. She needs to learn to put stuff away when she has finished with it.

This method works, (not the messy room as my children have never been allowed to do that) but if you saw my 16 year old son's room right now, it is tidy and the bed is made. The same for my 13 year old son too.

In this house, if you get it out, you put it back. But I make sure that every toy, game, piece of paper to draw on has a place therefore everything gets put back where it should.

Re the phone, you are the parent, limit the phone. She has to physically hand it over to you. If she doesn't, then tell her you will cut the contract on the phone and she can not have a phone if she doesn't give it to you when asked.

Brefugee · 25/10/2019 08:22

I think the first thing I'd look at is does she have enough storage space to put things away in? for example where do you all keep your shoes? (I ask because my messy DC keeps all their shoes in their bedroom. If they'd put them in the shoe storage in the hallway it would be progress and free up floor space)

Then do the easy stuff. Dirty clothes in the laundry basket. pile all the clean clothes on the bed. Get anything out of the room that doesn't belong in there. Fold/hang up the clean clothes.

Is there stuff she doesn't need? can she sell it? swap it? donate it? etc etc. And deffo no phone until an agreed target has been reached. Small steps.

FWIW: my incredibly messy DC (seriously, nobody else will go in their room) loves it when their room is tidy. But that is so rare it's not even worth reminding them about it.

Alanna1 · 25/10/2019 08:23

I’d help her tidy her room! These things can feel overwhelming.

Sparklybanana · 25/10/2019 08:28

I did this with my daughter. She refused to put anything away so I said I'll do it then and put it all in a bag and into the bin. She was horrified. It stayed there for the whole night and then she was allowed to tidy them away the next day. It totally works. Be prepared to actually throw stuff away though so maybe have one bag of things that aren't so important to be the sacrifice! My parents did this to me when I was a teenager. It was horrific at the time but didn't half get me to put things away quickly. My dad did get injured though (accidentally tripped over bag in the mayhem ....) so perhaps get things into the bags when she's not in....
It's about value. She needs to see that she values things enough to keep them so she needs to treat them well and put them away.

Derbee · 25/10/2019 08:28

YABVU. She’s asked for help, because she’s 11 and she’s overwhelmed. You should help her.

LittleLongDog · 25/10/2019 08:28

I would do it together with her for this time with lots of talk about how to keep it tidy in the future (eg deciding where everything lives).

I would also get a five minute sand timer or set a five minute timer up on your phone for future tidies. A ‘five minute tidy’ is much easier for some people to comprehend and feels much more achievable than just looking at a mess that needs tidying away.

Obviously take away tv time and her phone if she doesn’t do it.

simplekindoflife · 25/10/2019 08:29

I'd help her a bit, getting the bin bags, sitting on the bed and directing her etc.

If she doesn't do it, I'd turn off the WiFi or change the password until she does!

RB68 · 25/10/2019 08:31

1, take her phone and any net access off her.

  1. Break it into manageable portions (mental overwhelm is an issue here)
  2. Teach her how to do it - don't just yell and tell her to tidy, help her understand how it is done
  3. Make it a regular weekly thing so it doesn't reach that stage again so every sat morning no phone no internet till room tidy
Derbee · 25/10/2019 08:31

Throwing her stuff away would be horrific. It doesn’t reach her respect for belongings, it reaches the exact opposite. Chuck things away to make a point. Presumably she can throw anything of yours away that you leave lying around? Or are you in a household that believes only adults are deserving of respect? Your poor daughter.

Sparklybanana · 25/10/2019 08:32

I should mention that I helped r her put things away afterwards. Mainly because I did feel guilty along with the relief that it did work! And she did ask nicely instead of 'no! You!' that I'd got previously....

XXcstatic · 25/10/2019 08:33

I’d help her tidy her room! These things can feel overwhelming

Yes, Plenty of adults find mess overwhelming, so why shouldn't an 11 year old? Help her break the tidying down into small tasks and find solutions. Try to find a high impact task to do first to encourage her e.g. get one surface totally clear, so she can see she is making progress.

Once it is tidy, do what TreePeepingWatcher says and make this about nightly small tidy ups, instead of letting it get out of hand.