To chuck her stuff in the bin?

[biggirlknickers]

DD, 11, keeps her bedroom in a complete mess. I have tried incentives - 6 weeks ago I offered a cinema trip if she tidied it up but she still hasn’t done it. She says she doesn’t know where to start and I need to help her but I really don’t see why I should - I manage to single-handedly keep the whole of the rest of the house clean and tidy!

She is just being lazy. She spends all her time watching tv and playing games on her phone (another issue I need to deal with - any suggestions welcomed). She is very loving and fun to be with but is also extremely argumentative when challenged on her habits and I must admit, I actively avoid situations which spark her attitude because I hate confrontation and I’m full of parental guilt (a whole other thread) and blame myself for everything.

I would ignore the bedroom but for two reasons - 1:, the room is very near the front door so is visible to any visitors, and 2:, it is shared with her sister so she has to live with it too which isn’t fair on her.

I have a rare day off today and I’m thinking of going in there with bin bags and literally throwing away everything from the floor.

I also need advice on how to move forward with this - re tidying and screen time.

I feel like a really pathetic parent reading all this back!

She said she needed help and you said no?

As a single Mum of 4 and working full time when my kids were younger there were times when the house got pretty messy so we would have a room raffle. We put slips of paper with all the things that needed doing in a hat and each picked a job. It was amazing how quick it all got done and concentrating on a small thing at a time made it feel far less overwhelming. Once it was all done we might go out for a hot chocolate or get a take away as a treat.

I helped my dds on numerous occasions to sift through the mess and learn how to throw things away. They’re now brilliant at doing it themselves. Just give her a hand op, she’s only 11.

Why won’t you help her, YABU she has asked for your help not refused to do it, she’s 11. If you take time now to help her organise her room then moving forward you just remind her on a weekly basis. She’s your child not an adult

I’m almost 50 and after months of renovations, I needed a friend to give me a helping hand to de clutter and sort my house. She came for a few hours to get me started, then I spent 3 weeks doing it in little chunks.
Friend came and helped me on the last day.
I’ve since managed to keep it tidy as

1. I do a little bit every day
2. Everything has a place
3. It is relaxing to have a tidy space.

Sounds like your daughter is overwhelmed and is using the phone as a displacement activity.

This method worked:
1.Remove everything messy from the room (bin bags; store in shed, garage. trash in bin, laundry to wash)

1. Clean room
2. Go through each bag one at a time over a few days:
3. Find a place for each useful item in bag
4. Throw away or donate non needed stuff

It’s friday. You could do an hour this morning; and hour this afternoon.
Ditto, Saturdayand Sunday. 6 hours is plenty if broken down to clear the room. Sorting out the bags could take longer.

Play some good music!

Watching Marie Kondo on Netflix together really broke the pattern with my 12yo. It might not work for everyone but helped us with the idea of respecting your stuff and finding a place for everything!

*1. Dirty washing in the laundry

1. Clean clothes folded/hung*

Messy people tend to short cut this step by just chucking all clothes on the floor into the laundry basket. This tidies the room quickly but creates more work for whoever does the laundry (most likely you!)
So she needs to sort them out properly and (on this occasional at least) be responsible for doing the resulting laundry

I was terribly messy and disorganised as a child. I still have to fight it now, and force myself to keep on top of things. If my mum had thrown my things away in a fit of temper I would have been really deeply hurt. I still haven't fully forgiven her for taking photos of my shitheapbedroom and sharing them (thankfully, as far as I know, only with my grandma!) Your daughter is approaching teenagerhood. Now is not the time for any unnecessary fallings-out, but showing her you're on her side! Sit down with her and watch Youtube videos of extreme Marie Kondoing. I don't know if there any posted by teens, but have a look, as I imagine they'd be the most relevant and motivating to her. When you've watched quite a few help her with the decluttering - by 'help', I don't mean you do it while she lolls on her bed with some gadget! - all tech is off and she's right there with you, making the decision on whether she wants to keep each item or not. To encourage her to dispose of as much as possible maybe you could collect up the decent quality stuff for a car boot sale, or even for ebay? She gets the money for whatever she sells (the rest goes to charity or gets recycled). Declutter as much as possible. That's what really helped me. If you don't have 'stuff' it can't end up all over your floor, and the few things you have left are precious and you want to take better care of them.

When you've finished decluttering show her how to do a deep clean, and then work together to find a place for all the things she's keeping. Once the room is organised she can be expected to keep on top of it, but I think it's up to you to help her with this initial stage.

Oh, and don't buy her too much for Christmas. My mum would moan at me for having a cluttered room, but buy me so much stuff I didn't need, or honestly, want. Keep the physical bits and bobs minimal and put any spare cash towards 'experiences' instead.

Has anyone mentioned Marie Kondo yet? Watching an episode of that together on Netflix might be all you need. It does make you want to tidy, and it shows you how.

Two other ideas that worked for us were offering a room makeover (paint, paper, curtains etc) once the room is cleared and the ultimate threat that FC would not leave presents where there was cleat no room for them! At 11 she's a bit old for that one, but the principle holds: nothing new in until it's clear where it's going to go.

For clutter left in the house, I bought a big IKEA flip lid recycling box and put it in the little porch outside the front door. Anything left around I dumped in there, so there were half-dressed teens rummaging for abandoned shoes out in the cold for a week or so. They soon learned.

Yes, I was hard hearted, but I had a demanding career and their stuff was overwhelming the house!

Take screens away until it's done. If it were me I would do it with her/instruct her/keep her company while she sorts it, make it into a positive thing to do.

Write a list together she can check off as she goes (pick up clothes, sort dirty laundry, declutter, make bed, clean surfaces etc). After you've done this with her once then schedule a day each week where she will go through the same checklist and clean her room herself.

Has she got places to put everything? Much easier to keep clothes tidy if you have wardrobe/rail and drawers, shelf and desk for papers, books etc. Throwing stuff away in an orderly fashion is important too, but can be difficult.

Ha, FurrySlipperBoots, cross posted! Love Marie Kondo. My drawers got Kondo'd with shoeboxes and vertical stacking four years ago when I read the book and I've never looked back.

I tried everything with my DD, i packed her things away for a month, i sorted everything out many many times, i re-decorated her room, let her choose new bedding etc, bribed her with everything i could think of, screamed shouted and pleaded, nothing worked. In the end i knew i could not live with the daily arguments so i gave up and insisted on 3 rules
1, If anyone was coming to stay the room must be spotless
2, no food was allowed in the room
3, if the dirty clothes werent in the laundry basket, i wouldnt wash them.
She never learned but i was less stressed. She is now having the same issue with her own DD. Karma

Marie Kondo’s the life changing manga of tidying up is a graphic novel covering how to get tidy and stay tidy.

Pop a copy to her when you take her screen away, and work through it with her.

Nobody is taught how to stay tidy and many young people struggle with this - not just the ‘why’ but also the ‘how’.

Does she know what your standards are? How reasonable are they?

As for visitors seeing the mess, just close the door. Much less stressful for all involved.

You need to teach her to tidy her room. Do it with her and her sister the first couple of times, write up instructions, and then set the expectation that once she has learned, she will need to keep it tidy. Set out your expectations and the sanctions that will apply if she doesnt do it. But also offer a reward - so for example, on Saturdays, we will go for cake and hot chocolate after lunch if your room has been tidied properly. If not, you will lose your phone and screen time for the day.

In terms of HOW to teach, I like this scheme, which worked for some of my kids...write it up on a big bit of card and stick on the wall. A laminated sheet of card is good so she can tick off each step.

1. Make the bed.
2. Pick up all clothes, whether clean or dirty, and place on the bed
3. Pick up all rubbish from the floor and put in bin
4. Put anything that doesn't belong in the bedroom into a basket by the door ( cups, plates, things she had borrowed)
5. Put all toys/books away in the proper place.
6. Dust and Hoover
7. Sort the clothes on the bed - put dirty clothes in hamper, clean clothes in cupboard.

In the early days, I would do at least half of these - steps 1, 4 and 6, and assist with 7. Put some music on.

Put a stopwatch on - see how long it take you to clean up this way. See if you can do it quicker next week. ALways follow up with whatever treat you have decided on.

Gradually start letting her do some of other bits - she could make her bed for example. Or she might enjoy wielding the hoover.

My drawers got Kondo'd with shoeboxes The shoeboxes is a great tip!
My tip is this: I used to get tired of going to check my DD’s room when she was supposed to be tidying it, finding that it wasn’t much improved. I changed to a different system where my daughter had to bring me a photo of the clean area of the room. This stopped me going to check and finding a messy room because when she took the photo she could usually see that it was still messy. If she didn’t see that it was too messy, I didn’t have to stop what I was doing and get annoyed by her room. I could just look at the photo and say no it’s not done yet Before she started I used to write a list on her little whiteboard with boxes next to it to tick: books, teddy bears, dirty clothes, clean clothes, etc.

She needs your help and asked for it. You should help her to ensure that everything has a place so that she can tidy it herself after you help her initially get it sorted.

Hmm I was a messy child and whilst I don't agree with alot of things my mum did, this did work...
She would put everything that had been dumped on the floor and put it on my bed. It was usually the day before bin day. She would give me a time limit to tidy away it all and if it wasn't done, whatever was left on my duvet would go in the bin. I think it ended up in the bin just once.

I would help her this time and then once a week, remove her phone and say she can have it back when her bedroom is tidy.

Why are you asking for help with this issue? Why should we give you advice? You should know how to sort it out

Look up ADHD/Autism and 'executive function'. And PDA. Just in case you are blaming her for something she can't help at all.

She probably is actually overwhelmed by the task.

Help her by structuring the task not by doing any physical tidying.

I still have to do that with my 12 year old - I don't care whether he chooses to live in a messy room but I do care that there's no laundry or clean clothes on the floor, and no rubbish (I don't allow eating or drinking other than water upstairs so that's a massive potential conflict/ hygiene area totally avoided).

I tell him to go upstairs with a small pedal bin bag and remove all rubbish. Then when that's done I tell him to go and pick up all clean items of clothing and put them in the cupboard. Then I tell him to go and pick up all dirty items and carry them to the laundry room. The rest is his problem but is then only books and toys and random items, nothing dirty and no clean clothes getting stepped on or mixed with dirty clothes.

When the children were littler I'd break the task down into smaller elements (rubbish into first paper, then whatever else might be there at the time - miscellaneous unidentified bits of plastic from toys, wrapping material from new items, or whatever), then clean clothing into types, toys into types etc.

I had to do the structuring with my 14 year old until age 11 or 12 too, then suddenly somehow I didn't and now her room is the best presented in the house and she even used her allowance to buy paint and painted a feature wall - did the whole task properly herself including preparation and cleaned up properly afterwards. She also uses her allowance to buy coordinated throws and scatter cushions and all kinds of nonsense interior design accessories and her room looks like a show piece. 2 years ago it was a tip like dc2s.

They need help scaffolding big tasks until suddenly they don't any more.

You do realise that DD is only 11 and you are meant to be the parent here. I'm shocked by your attitude.

Clean her room thorough then put in place daily/weekly check list to help her keep on top of it.

I think chucking her stuff away without warning her is cruel.

Put everything in black bags or boxes and get her to sort through them one at a time

I agree with lots of others on this thread, you need to pick a 'system' and teach her by giving her step-by-step rules and doing it with her. I have never been naturally tidy and even now I struggle with dealing with a mess, especially where to start. Whereas DD has always been a tidy child and I'm often amazed at how she can know the order to do things so that her room is tidied in a very short space of time. Mind you, some of DD's system involves dumping things she no longer wants into the master bedroom, which is probably adding to my issues.