To chuck her stuff in the bin?

[biggirlknickers]

DD, 11, keeps her bedroom in a complete mess. I have tried incentives - 6 weeks ago I offered a cinema trip if she tidied it up but she still hasn’t done it. She says she doesn’t know where to start and I need to help her but I really don’t see why I should - I manage to single-handedly keep the whole of the rest of the house clean and tidy!

She is just being lazy. She spends all her time watching tv and playing games on her phone (another issue I need to deal with - any suggestions welcomed). She is very loving and fun to be with but is also extremely argumentative when challenged on her habits and I must admit, I actively avoid situations which spark her attitude because I hate confrontation and I’m full of parental guilt (a whole other thread) and blame myself for everything.

I would ignore the bedroom but for two reasons - 1:, the room is very near the front door so is visible to any visitors, and 2:, it is shared with her sister so she has to live with it too which isn’t fair on her.

I have a rare day off today and I’m thinking of going in there with bin bags and literally throwing away everything from the floor.

I also need advice on how to move forward with this - re tidying and screen time.

I feel like a really pathetic parent reading all this back!

Do it together. Maybe she can even sell some of her stuff at eg a car boot and keep the money.

As an ex messy child I can tell you throwing away all my stuff doesn’t give the sharp shock into becoming a better person parents think it does,
I agree. All it did has made me find throwing things away very difficult because I remember the helplessness feeling when I found things had gone. I always look at something and see that I might need it in the future, I can start feeling panicky at throwing away the most ridiculous things that rationally I know I will never need.

Help her. She's asked. She's not saying "you do it". My dd got to the same stage at a similar age. She asked for help. We did it together. She's now 16yo and it's never been as bad since. I check on Sunday night and say either "fine" or "you need to clear X away".

I agree with everyone else. You do need to help her. Both with the tidying and with developing better screen habits. At the same time, you need to give her a bit of ownership.
With tidying, we have a clear floor policy. DS gets one warning to pick up and if he doesn't then I run round with a bag and dump everything in it. Then he has to unpack it and put stuff where it needs to go. If items don't get taken out of the bag, they go to the charity shop.
We worked out the organisation for his clothes together ie where did he think tops, trousers, pjs, should go (which drawer, which storage box, which hanging space).
It sounds as though you might not have taught her how to tidy. If so, then some 'fun' techniques might help. When my DC were younger, we'd have a mad 15 mins tidy where we put a timer on and ran round tidying. Now, we might pick a playlist and put that on whilst we tidy.
For the screen time, download some articles about optimum screen time and the need for breaks. Read them with her, then agree limits together.

There is hope. I was an incredibly messy child and my parents mostly just used to leave my room as it was and shut the door (when it was actually possible to shut it with all the toys, clothes and books piled up behind). No one who knows me as an adult will believe this about me now as i’m quite anal about tidiness and organisation. I think the turnaround came when I started feeling embarrassed about friends seeing the state my room was in. And also about wanting to make my room a cosy, comfy place to hang out as a teenager.

All these people saying "teach her to tidy up." It is not flipping rocket science is it? I assume she knows where her belongings should be put. Yep - give her a warning and a reasonable timescale to tidy up and then carry out the threat if she hasn't tidied. Dump it in the bin (not expensive stuff obv). She will tidy her room after that as she will never want you to bin her stuff again. It is her own fault. Eleven is old enough to have responsibility for her own room. If she has a tantrum walk away and don't engage in a row.

FFS. 'Why' should you help her? Because you're her mum.

She's overwhelmed. Help her this time and work out a way with her that she can keep it tidier.

She says she doesn’t know where to start and I need to help her but I really don’t see why I should

I absolutely understand where you're coming from, especially since it sounds like you're the only adult in the house.

But pick your battles, OP. Is this really the hill you want to die on?

Like many PPs have said, break it down into small steps, and sit there encouraging her and directing, but not doing the work yourself (unless it's something she might not know how to do e.g. using furniture polish.)

Once you've blitzed the room, tell her "room inspection" will be happening once a week and she needs to tidy up before that time every week. Maybe make it a Sunday so she has all day Saturday to get it done. When she comes downstairs and says "Mum I've done my room", tell her to go back upstairs, stand in the doorway, close her eyes, and then open them while thinking "I'm looking through my mum's eyes, would she be happy with the state of this room?"

I used this with my DS when he was 9-10 and it was really effective. He sometimes returned to his room 3 or 4 times! But it really helped avoid him just shoving things under the bed or into a drawer.

Having dedicated storage will help too. Plastic boxes of various sizes from Wilkos, Poundstretcher, B&M, Home Bargains etc are generally pretty cheap, and you can write on each one with a permanent marker or a sticky label, for eg "Drawing/Writing equipment" and put all her pens, pencils, felt tips, notepads etc in there. Any video game equipment can go in another box. Lego in another box. Etc!

I would also suggest rewarding with something speficially for her room after she's done the job. Like picking out some new bed linen or a wall poster.

Good luck OP, this is a really tricky issue when you don't have a partner to support you and it's hard to find a balance between allowing them some indepenence and ensuring they still keep to house rules.

Sorry, but I think you should help her. She's only 11 and has been allowed to live in a mess for weeks on end - why have you allowed it to get this bad?

You should be teaching her keep it tidy and helping her keep on top of things. It's irrelevant that you keep the rest of the house tidy on your own - you're a grown woman FGS.

Why would you help your child?

Give her a task at a time. My daughter is the same age & can be very lazy sometimes! I just give one or two tasks at a time. So for instance, books need to be sorted and put away, clothes need putting away etc. Then as she can see the floor getting clearer and the room looking neater, it actually gives her more of a push to carry on with the rest of the mess.

As far as screen time is concerned, I'm also trying to combat that issue right now. She's either on her phone watching Tik Tok videos or she's watching YouTube on TV. Problem was I was telling her to cut down on screen time, but at the same time I was on my phone scrolling through social media or browsing shops online. So now we have an hour every day where we put the screens away, put some music on & do something together in the house, even if it's just sorting out the washing, tidying the kitchen etc it is helping because we talk while we're doing it & we're all away from our screens.

Try giving her one job at a time?

So today she needs to pick up all the dirty clothes and put them in the wash, and to put clean ones in the drawer. Tomorrow it will be collecting any rubbish on the floor and putting it in the bin. Next job is sorting out any books. After that pick up everything on the floor and put it away (there shouldn't be that much left, hopefully, one books, clothes and rubbish is gone (I am thinking of my teen's room though). Then allocate a shelf in a cupboard/top of dresser each day to get sorted.

Much easier to break it down into small tasks.

I would do it for her to be honest this one time. But then sanction her if she doesn’t keep on top of it, and if I so much as had to tell her to clean her room that would be the phone withdrawn for 24 hours from when it’s cleaned up.

She says she doesn’t know where to start and I need to help her but I really don’t see why I should - I manage to single-handedly keep the whole of the rest of the house clean and tidy!

Because she's 11 and you're an adult, but others have said so too.

Anyway... tomorrow is Saturday.

Collect phones this evening, and don't allow phones or games until the house (including her room) is sorted. Make it a regular family activity. It doesn't need to be Saturday morning, but any other time during the weekend is fine.
For example, changing beds, putting clothes away, putting toys/books away, dusting, cleaning floor.
If you're at home, you can also impose a ban on phones/games every day when they return from school until home work and tidying up is done.
Make it a family rule, than just for her.

I would take the phone/ipad away until the room is tidy, and let her know that this will be standard practise each time her rooms a mess! I don't know if that makes me a meanie?

I have just grounded my DD until her room was cleaned properly. It took two full evenings (she has college in the daytime) but she did it.

I can't believe how good it looks.

Give her a hand.. it will only take you all an hour max!
The other sibling needs to help too, a shared room is a shared mess - IMO.
We have a bedroom tidy day, every Wednesday and Sunday. The kids have to make sure all clothes off the floor, give a wipe around furniture, hang stuff up, put toys away, etc.
We have three laundry bins and never in their rooms - I find they become lazy. Ours have to take it out into the landing, put it in either whites/darks/underwear.
On a Sunday they change their bed sheets ( with some help ) and hoover.
Even our DDs 4 and 6 know how to do this.
Give her a helping hand this time. My DD 12 is quite messy but, she follows this and it takes her 15 mins max!
I always tell them, I'm your mother not your slave. Don't let her get away with it though.

Yes, help her but in a strictly supervisory role. Explain the process as you go along, so she has no excuses in the future, and make it clear that this is a one off and next time her room gets into that state it's the bin!

Please don’t throw her stuff in bags/ bin it. She has asked for help. She is only eleven. Help her, and label where things go, if needs be. Then work out a system of screens only being allowed once the room is in good shape. It doesn’t have to be perfect but reasonably tidy and clean.

My ds11, needs support to keep his room tidy and I willingly help him. I do get frustrated when there are dirty pants and socks on the floor again, but help him keep his shelving unit and Lego storage tidy, because hopefully, if I help now, it will help him in the future. If it is that bad, start small. Day 1, sort all the. Clothes out. Dirtyto the wash, clean stuff away.
Day 2, sort the floor mess.
Day 3, the book case
Day 4, the drawers. Etc
Does your dc have enough storage space? It is much easier to keep rooms tidy if there is a place to put everything.

My dds (long grown up) were terrible, esp. at the teen stage. I'm not the tidiest person in the world, but this was something else.
Mostly we just shut the door on it - dh (tidier than me) would say that if we ever moved house we'd never bother with wardrobes or chests of drawers for them, since the 'floordrobe' seemed enough for them. They also specialised in cereal dishes with e.g. Ready Brek dried on like cement!

I honestly couldn't be bothered to nag - there were just exasperated comments. About once a term I might have a major blitz - they'd be delighted to see it all clean and tidy, but...

One thing I wouldn't do was help them find anything. My answer to frequent cries of, 'Have you seen my X?' - would be a nonchalant, 'No, sorry.'

Things did eventually improve but it took quite a while.

She has asked for help because she can’t be bothered to do it herself, her mess her problem, tell her to put 10 things away every day, at the end of the week problem will be solved.

I'd probably help her sort it out this one time and then make sure she stays on top of it herself. By telling her to spend 20 mins every day giving a tidy. She is still quite young

Is her phone charger in her room? Presumably easily buried by the mess..

Take the charger.. when the war cry of “mum I can’t find my charger comes” tell her o you need to clear out the crap n you’ll find it.. take her up a washing basket, bin bags n tell her to put all her dirty washing in the basket, crap in the bin n we’ll look for it.. if you fancy it offer to get under the bed at the end and produce the charger like magic.

It was the Xbox controller cable that got my dn to go on a mission. Obviously he couldn’t sit on his arse n ignore the mess with nothing to do. It reappeared mystically in a jeans pocket down stairs from the basket.

The first stage is always frantic chucking about which doesn’t work obviously as the chargers in the car or somewhere they can’t actually look easily.

Sorry if it's already been mentioned but put Google link on both your phones. You can then control her screen time from your phone. My daughter is only allowed two hours a day but I extend it if she's particularly good or helpful. The rules are if she tries to remove it or circumvent it then no more phone...

I was this child.

This added to a mother with an eating disorder that she was busy trying to give me didn’t help.

My room was full of food packaging that I had smuggled home. As well as stuff not put away.

Telling me off about it just made me dig my heels in more and refuse. Remember this is the days before mobile phones so I wasn’t playing games or anything like that. I would literally just sit rather than do it.

I would have loved it had my mother said ‘come on, let’s get this sorted together’ and put the radio on rather than leaving me notes about how I was smelly and fat and no one wants to be friends with a smelly fat girl with a messy room.

I moved out and left it all.

Rather than just "tidy your room" maybe she needs specific instructions, so

Dirty clothes put out for washing
Clean clothes folded and put away
Toys put back
Books put back
Rubbish put in a bag

TV off, phone away till it's done.

It's what I do with mine. It's what I do with me. I'm crap at tidying.