AIBU about birthday present??

[mumofthreepeople]

Really unsure whether I ABU or not?

I have older kids, my only brother has one toddler daughter, my only niece.

He was so generous with my kids for years at bdays and Christmas. I'm talking black bags full of toys each. Of course I always told him he didn't need to do this but we appreciated it and tbh looked forward to it every year as we ddidnt but much for our kids throughout year so was lovely to see them opening them all at Christmas.

He loved doing t as he had no kids and was single so had the money to do it.

As mine got older, and I had more kids, the present got more practical which I understood but they would still be very generous like for example Xbox game each.

So fast forward my niece comes along, I looked forward to spoiling her a little every Christmas and birthday.

I don't buy her much during the year but each birthday and Christmas, Sil gets onto me and tells me what she needs (last year was pjs) and warns me not to buy anything else. She said it's too much waste and takes over the house. I don't go too mad as have my own kids but would buy maybe 6 toys for her. Last Xmas I felt Sil was annoyed opening them and tbh it ruined the experience of giving!

They don't like her having plastic toys so DM and I said we'd love to go halves on a wooden playhouse for their garden, which they have loads of room for in garden nd she has minimal toys(no garden toys at all).

DM spoke to DB about it he had ok'd it then I got a text telling me they only want one small present for her..so we have had to forget about the house.

I'm just sick of having a negative vibe around her presents. I love buying for her and she really loves toys and gets so much out of them.

Your SIL was annoyed last year because she warned you they have too much stuff and you still chose to ignore her instruction re what to buy and send a load of toys they don't want/need for her.

Regarding the play house for the garden, you might think they have room for it and it'd be a nice gift, but it's their garden and they're the ones who have to live with it. They're giving you fair warning now it won't appreciate it and only want one small gift.

Is SIL being a bit negative/ungrateful? Maybe. Or maybe she's just fed up of people ignoring her instructions not to overload them with stuff they don't need and wouldn't have chosen themselves. I have a 9 month old and practically every time I see my own mum or the ILs they come laden with clothes, toys etc we haven't asked for and really don't need, so I'm dreading Christmas already for this exact reason. I probably wouldn't be ungracious enough to say anything if people do buy us a load of rubbish for DS, but I will smile along and drive it all to the charity shop after Christmas is over, so the outcome isn't all that different.

Just make the most of the saving - and benefit to the environment - of only buying the one toy? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I admittedly go over the top with buying for my nieces and nephews (really over the top) and yes my siblings always drone on about it, however I take no notice, I still buy what I want to buy.

That might seem selfish or unreasonable on my part but that's just how it is; To be honest though any annoyance from their parents is always quickly forgotten. Then I start getting reminders in the lead up to the next birthday/Christmas not to buy too much and I do as I have always done and buy what I want to buy.

I fully understand and accept parents not wanting to spoil their kids but I think it's acceptable for aunties and uncles to do a little spoiling a couple of times a year. For example my brother and his wife have me warned I am not to buy a certain LOL Surprise item for my niece this Christmas... I already have it on pre-order and my niece will be receiving it at Christmas.

Your brother spoiled your kids, it's a bit of a joke for him now to be causing tensions because you buy his daughter a couple of extra bits. Don't get yourself wound up, do as your brother did, buy what you want!

Yabu but it comes from a good place!
I have told my parents any toys for my ds need to be easy to store like books or Lego that can go in the Lego box, cars that can go in the car box etc. They bought him a huge ridiculous multi level train set! I said thank you but I did make it clear we had limited space for it, they were going to return it but never did. My dad had to set it up because we didn't have time on the day of his party and he was begging to play with it (he's 3) it took him 2 hours. Now it's taking up space and needs at least a foot of space all around it so it can be accessed so we've had to change his room around but guess what, he doesn't play with it.

This play house you want to get will need to be assembled (do not underestimate the work in that!), it will need to go in a place that's flat, cleared of crap around it, needs to be maintained, re-painted every year. They might also have plans for the garden. Some people don't mind that kind of thing but as the years pass by and you accumulate more and more useless time consuming stuff some people have the directness to say 'thank you but no more please'. You can ignore that like my parents did but you can't say they haven't warned you.

Anyway there's worse things to be and I think it's lovely that you and your brother are so close and clearly adore the young children in your families.

Why not buy her what her parents ask for and set up a savings account and put money in that you would have spent on extra toys etc- not very exciting for her but she will thank you in years to come

Have you actually said something like this to your sil? “Dear SIL, I think you and DB got such great pleasure from giving generous and lavish gifts to our dcs over the years. We are just looking to do the same with your lovely dd. We are all really confused as to why we are being told not to do so. Have we done something to upset you?”

My instinct is that it’s a control issue. For some reason she only wants her child to have stuff from her for some reason.

Even if your kids only get presents at Christmas and birthdays it really adds up. DS gets 3 large gifts (us and both sets of GPs) then smaller gifts from aunties and uncles and friends. That's like a whole new set of toys every 6 months. My MIL always goes OTT and gets extra on top of this. It's just too much, it doesn't all get played with properly, I feel guilty getting rid of perfectly good toys that are only 6 or 12 months old that he still likes to make space for new ones. It just feels wasteful and she makes everyone else look less generous in comparison, but if everyone else did the same thing we'd be absolutely overrun.

@wagtailrobin That might seem selfish or unreasonable on my part but that's just how it is

Bloody hell you've even admittedthat you are selfish and unreasonable and you don't care!! Are you actually trying to force a rift between you and your siblings?

With regard to the OP, why do you feel this need to buy so much for a little toddler? You are not a lonely grandmother with nothing else to do or think about! You have your own kids to look after. You may have looked forward to bin bags of stuff when your kids were small but your siblings don't. Why is it so hard to understand? It's not rocket science. They are even telling you in clear English!

Why piss someone off for no reason?

As someone else said, if you are desperate to spend money on her, put it in a bank account for her driving lessons in years to come. She will love you for it!

But we are all different op.
Maybe sil has to deal with your db pitching up at home with things all the time. Maybe she doesn't like a house full of toys. Maybe she doesn't get the same thrill.
Carry on being generous. Take her out for a special day, or take her to the panto each year.

God @WagtailRobin I’d be so pissed off if you were my relative. Maybe there’s a reason they don’t want you to buy it for her?

Respect the parents wishes and there's no problem.

For example my brother and his wife have me warned I am not to buy a certain LOL Surprise item for my niece this Christmas... I already have it on pre-order and my niece will be receiving it at Christmas

Why on earth would you do this? There's obviously a reason they don't want the child to have that toy / have bought it themselves.

It reminds me of the time my friend's SIL bought a mobile phone for friend's 9 year old daughter after my friend had had a conversation with her SIL that her daughter was pestering her for a phone but she would not buy her one because she felt she was too young. SIL thought she was the child's saviour from strict parents. My friend had to explain to her daughter again that she was too young for a phone and the phone was returned to SIL.

YABU. We ask PIL and SIL to get just one thing because they were buying DS 3-4 things each and it was ridiculous. He was totally overwhelmed, uninterested after 1 or 2 and still opening presents 4 days later.

I can't actually believe you do that @WagtailRobin - your siblings have said they don't want so many gifts for their children and for you to go and deliberately but a gift they have said no to to completely unreasonable!

I have a branch of the family who buy for each other insane amounts of presents - like an aunty would be buying as many presents for niece as some parents would. Personally i think it's disgusting and wasteful and if you don't have the room where is it going to go?

If you really want to be financially generous then either save the money for her future or buy her experiences ie theatre tickets, cinema vouchers etc. Offer to take her out for the day to a theme park.

How much do your db and sil buy/spend on her? Could the issue be you are spending similar or more than they wish to spend themselves?

To be honest, I could be your SIL in this situation! My husband has a large family who buy lots of material gifts. It’s not in line With my own principles or how I like to demonstrate my relationships, but it’s their way and their choice so I’ve generally just gone along with it. However now I have a child of my own, I do struggle to cope with the amount of stuff which lands on our doorstep. I have politely asked if we could not do presents from his sisters/brothers (I’m happy to keep buying for them if they wish) and my husband agrees that it is getting ridiculous. They all totally ignore us, which is irritating on a superficial level but quite upsetting at a deeper level. I feel they don’t respect us or the way we try to live our lives, Whilst we go along with their wishes. It makes us feel a bit isolated in the family, as if we aren’t allowed to do things differently and I always end up feeling quite down after birthdays/xmas as I feel we’re not important enough to be listened to or respected.

Someone mentioned it might be due to SIL’s control issues. I actually feel it’s the other way around - for some reason they need to make a point by trying to control what comes into my house or prove that we are wrong to think differently!

I think it’s very ungrateful of her to be so critical about your generosity. I think I would take her on a special day out each year instead. Some thing she’ll look forward to doing with you.

I get why they don't want loads of plastic toys tbh.
Can't you give one gift but then some cash or premium bonds? Or take niece on day out in the new year?

To all those, stating op is being unreasonable.....
You don’t justify why is it ok for sil and bil to have been buying extravagant gifts and cluttering up her house for years. Not to mention satisfying their egos and desires to go ott. Op has kids (plural) when niece is as yet an only.

Could the issue be you are spending similar or more than they wish to spend themselves? I was thinking this. I've never bought six toys for my own child for a birthday or Christmas. If parents buy a few, then family buy one each then they get plenty. It's not nice being stuck buying only practical gifts as a parent because you know they will be getting far too much from family already.

You are wasting your money.
If my child received an excessive amount, after opening the wrapping paper, we would quietly put some items aside to bring out in the months ahead, otherwise they can just be overwhelmed and not give any toy proper attention.
If I received far too many gifts, or items I had expressly asked not to receive, I would keep them to one side in their packaging, and regift or donate to someone who would appreciate and use them.
Spend your money on your own DC, even if they are older; spend it on yourself; do a reverse advent calendar for a food bank; or hey....don't spend it at all.

Mummyoflittledragon The OP says that the BIL was single and childless when he was buying too much. Nothing to do with the SIL.

Sorry, brother, not BIL.

I don’t understand why you bought your DN 6 presents when SIL asked for just Pjs. You were asking for trouble by doing that.

I think the savings account is a good idea. That way by the time she’s 18 or whenever, she’s got money put by for something she actually needs.

I would by her a few little gifts throughout the year personally, no plastic tat, maybe a nice book or a new coat etc.

For example my brother and his wife have me warned I am not to buy a certain LOL Surprise item for my niece this Christmas... I already have it on pre-order and my niece will be receiving it at Christmas
No wonder they are ungrateful, you’re being a dick!

'my brother and his wife have me warned I am not to buy a certain LOL Surprise item for my niece this Christmas... I already have it on pre-order and my niece will be receiving it at Christmas.'

WTF?

I wouldn't be wanting 'LOL Surprise' stuff in my house either, whatever that is.

OP, I think there's probably a too-earnestly-taken parenting 'philosophy' behind this, along the lines of minimal toys/teaching them to be 'grateful for what they have' etc. I expect they'll soften as she grows. Until then, grit your teeth and do as they want. Perhaps give time/experiences instead - age-appropriate days out.

I can't believe one poster has been specifically told not to buy a particular item and has gone ahead and ordered it! Maybe the lol surprise thing is the gift Santa is getting their child? Maybe they don't want to start a collection of lol dolls? Maybe they have an issue with that particular toy (I had an aunt who was really against the image Barbie had and refused to buy these for her child). I think it is so bold to specifically buy an item you have been told not to.

Op I would have a word with your brother and ask him to telkyo the truth about why you sil doesn't want so many gifts. Personally, if I was buying three presents for my kid and then aunty so and so rocked up with a bagful I'd feel a little sad that my child was more excited about their gifts than mine. I know it's all about the child, but maybe that's where her rule is coming from? Or maybe they simply don't have room, don't like toys being wasted, would rather their kid had a few favoured toys than ten tons of stuff they barely look at.

Speak to your brother and get to the bottom of it.

For example my brother and his wife have me warned I am not to buy a certain LOL Surprise item for my niece this Christmas... I already have it on pre-order and my niece will be receiving it at Christmas.

Maybe because they have already brought it for her. Why would you buy something you've been told specifically not to buy?