AIBU about birthday present??

[mumofthreepeople]

Really unsure whether I ABU or not?

I have older kids, my only brother has one toddler daughter, my only niece.

He was so generous with my kids for years at bdays and Christmas. I'm talking black bags full of toys each. Of course I always told him he didn't need to do this but we appreciated it and tbh looked forward to it every year as we ddidnt but much for our kids throughout year so was lovely to see them opening them all at Christmas.

He loved doing t as he had no kids and was single so had the money to do it.

As mine got older, and I had more kids, the present got more practical which I understood but they would still be very generous like for example Xbox game each.

So fast forward my niece comes along, I looked forward to spoiling her a little every Christmas and birthday.

I don't buy her much during the year but each birthday and Christmas, Sil gets onto me and tells me what she needs (last year was pjs) and warns me not to buy anything else. She said it's too much waste and takes over the house. I don't go too mad as have my own kids but would buy maybe 6 toys for her. Last Xmas I felt Sil was annoyed opening them and tbh it ruined the experience of giving!

They don't like her having plastic toys so DM and I said we'd love to go halves on a wooden playhouse for their garden, which they have loads of room for in garden nd she has minimal toys(no garden toys at all).

DM spoke to DB about it he had ok'd it then I got a text telling me they only want one small present for her..so we have had to forget about the house.

I'm just sick of having a negative vibe around her presents. I love buying for her and she really loves toys and gets so much out of them.

Yabu but agree it’s coming from a good place, why not suggest taking her out for the day?

For example my brother and his wife have me warned I am not to buy a certain LOL Surprise item for my niece this Christmas... I already have it on pre-order and my niece will be receiving it at Christmas.

So are you gift giving for their sake or yours?

You don’t justify why is it ok for sil and bil to have been buying extravagant gifts and cluttering up her house for years. Not to mention satisfying their egos and desires to go ott. Op has kids (plural) when niece is as yet an only.

The OP could have said "please don't do this". She didn't and actually enjoyed it. Her DBro has a different attitude and doesn't like it. As above, think about why you're giving a gift. For your sake or for theirs? Times change, people are more aware now and I wouldn't want a house full of plastic tat. And I might not want a large wooden structure in my garden either.

Lots of people don't want too much 'stuff' these days OP, which makes things difficult for people like you who love buying presents! I definitely think you should redirect your generosity by opening a savings account, buying some Premium Bonds, setting up a pension account for her, or something along those lines? Maybe one well chosen 'material' gift so she knows you care about her?

The difference between what you’re doing and what your brother did is you looked forward to his gesture, your SIL, doesn’t.

This idea of kids having ‘piles’ of stuff to open is obscene.

If you feel you need to pay them back for their generosity then buy a single small gift and put money in a bank account for your niece to make up for it.

YABVU

You are ignoring their express wishes, and doing somehting they have asked you NOT to. How is that OK?

Or, as others have suggested, taking her for a special day out? My DD still talks about outings she went on with her aunt ten or fifteen years ago but the presents are long forgotten (by her, not me as I've been the one who's had to deal with all the trips to the charity shop/tip to get rid of it all!).

I can really relate to Your SIL. Our house is completely cluttered with gifts. Every time I see my SILs they give us bags of stuff most of which gets looked at once and shoved aside. I end up giving most of it to charity. It's very wasteful and the world is already full of too much stuff (particularly plastic stuff). Of course you're a lovely aunt but I think you should put the money in to an account for your niece - she can use it for driving lessons, university fees, deposit for a house or a holiday with mates.

I would be annoyed if I asked for one specific gift and was given 6 things I didnt ask for.
To be honest, if a relative bought my child loads of plastic tat I didn't want and didn't have room for I would be taking it to the charity shop or returning to the shop in the new year.

The difference is that you were pleased to receive sacks full of gifts for your kids, so it was reasonable for him to get them. Your BIL and SIL dont want them.

Do they visit you often? Maybe you could buy a bigger thing to keep at your house for when they visit.

@WagtailRobin if you really are planning to buy a big gift that your siblings have specifically told you not to buy, you've got a screw loose. I wouldnt be inviting you over for Christmas/Birthdays again if you were my sibling.

@WagtailRobin That might seem selfish or unreasonable on my part but that's just how it is; To be honest though any annoyance from their parents is always quickly forgotten. Then I start getting reminders in the lead up to the next birthday/Christmas not to buy too much and I do as I have always done and buy what I want to buy.

I can't quite believe someone would be so self-centred and selfish. What an arsehole you are!

When I say 6 presents, they weren't huge things, this was before They had said about the plastic but for example, they were a toy phone, shape sorter, art set, set of books plus the pjs of course.She has a playroom, they are not short on space.

Also I never mentioned but the wooden house was between me and my mother and it was for birthday and Christmas.

I will defo start doing the tradition of a day out, maybe as one suggested, the panto each year.

I just feel im his only sibling, it's only me and my DM buying her presents.

As others have said, just put the money you would have spent into savings for her and tell your brother and sil that you really appreciate their generosity towards your children, and you wanted to reciprocate but as they are not keen to receive "stuff" you have opened this account for her - or pay into a junior isa for her.
If you really want to give her something to own on the day, ask them if there is something practical - so instead if an lol doll, some lol pjs/ vests...stuff she would need anyway.

Yabu but you mean well! I am dreading Christmas because I’m worried about the environment and know pretty much every gift will end up being a waste of resources. Can you get a really nice experience for them instead? That is what I am hinting at!

I would sit down with DB and SIL and tell them how you feel. Say that DB has been so generous over the years, you want to be generous with DN too, and ask them how they’d like you to go about it. Whether it be practical gifts or special days out or money in a savings account. That way you respect their wishes and still get to spend on DN.

@WagtailRobin you’re an arse. You’re making it all about you. Send that piece of rubbish back.

“ She has a playroom, they are not short on space.“

I get this from my family a lot. “You’ve got a big house, you have the room!” Actually, my house is roughly the same size of theirs, it’s just that it feels bigger because I don’t pack it to the rafters with stuff!

On a serious note, it doesn’t matter how much space I have. It’s up to me how I fill it or don’t fill it and it isn’t anyone else’s call to make.

In terms of being the only sibling, again I’d say that a lot of my family think “we’ll I’m the grandparent, we’ll I’m the auntie, we’ll She’s my only.....” The point is all of this adds up. If everyone thinks something like this and buys six presents, it adds up really quickly. I’m just trying to stop people wasting their money because I see how much doesn’t ever get played with, but I’ve come to the conclusion that if I’ve politely explained a lot of it never sees the light of day and they’re still happy to do it, then there’s not much I can do. It still makes me feel quite isolated in the family though.

I can’t tell how old they are but got my niece and nephew tickets for feeding meerkats and they still go on about it!

Op, it’s not up to you, and you are being extremely disrespectful towards your sil. For whatever reason (and actually, that’s none of your business) she has specifically said what she wants, and you are bulldozing over her wishes, it’s not about you!

@WagtailRobin I’m genuinely shocked at your attitude, again, it’s not about you! I wouldn’t worry too much though, by next Christmas you should have successfully created an irreparable rift, and your presents/presence will no longer be required.

I find it really irritating when people go overboard on presents for DC. Even though I obviously appreciate it comes from a good place.

Respect your SILs request. Ask them if they have a savings account you can put money into if you want to spend more.

I had a SIL who used to bombard my dc with gifts when she and her OH were childless. Despite repeated requests to stop overbuying they continued buying with no regard to how much space we had, what we were getting or what they had already bought. Most was unplayed with as it was more about her than the dd. Now she has her own dc the cuddlies/toys/books get sent back at an age appropriate time in a big bag. It's all in pristine condition and puts the disposal problem back in their court. Petty but cathartic.

Wagtail you are risking them going NC with your arrogance. Buy what they ask for and buy premium bonds or whatever with the rest of what you would have spent.

I admittedly go over the top with buying for my nieces and nephews (really over the top) and yes my siblings always drone on about it, however I take no notice, I still buy what I want to buy. That might seem selfish or unreasonable on my part but that's just how it is

This has to be a wind up. I assume the annoyed responses from PPs are exactly what robin wanted.

Your SIL sounds like a ton of fun I type through gritted teeth lol. I'd like to say be petty and buy what you want for your niece. However, something tells me she'd have a "meltdown" and flip a table or something. Go with her wishes. Or☕ you could buy the toys and keep them at a close relatives house, who wouldn't mind and sees the niece quite frequently like your DM??

You're definitely being unreasonable.

Your DB has an excuse for buying so much when he didn't have any DC of his own. Now he understands that it is just plain crazy to buy so much plastic landfill for a very small DC.

I could buy the shops out for my 9 month old DGS but I don't. I put money aside in a special account for when he is older and just buy him the odd book.

When my DC were small, I would ask them who their favourite aunt was and it was invariably the one who spent time with them. Not the one who spent heaps of money on them.

When I say 6 presents, they weren't huge things
Which they'd asked you not to get. It doesn't sound like they could be clearer without being rude.

We have several relatives like this; sadly every year a lot of stuff goes straight to the charity shop. YABU.

I always end up feeling quite down after birthdays/xmas as I feel we’re not important enough to be listened to or respected.

Totally get this.