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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU about birthday present??

80 replies

mumofthreepeople · 25/10/2019 01:12

Really unsure whether I ABU or not?

I have older kids, my only brother has one toddler daughter, my only niece.

He was so generous with my kids for years at bdays and Christmas. I'm talking black bags full of toys each. Of course I always told him he didn't need to do this but we appreciated it and tbh looked forward to it every year as we ddidnt but much for our kids throughout year so was lovely to see them opening them all at Christmas.

He loved doing t as he had no kids and was single so had the money to do it.

As mine got older, and I had more kids, the present got more practical which I understood but they would still be very generous like for example Xbox game each.

So fast forward my niece comes along, I looked forward to spoiling her a little every Christmas and birthday.

I don't buy her much during the year but each birthday and Christmas, Sil gets onto me and tells me what she needs (last year was pjs) and warns me not to buy anything else. She said it's too much waste and takes over the house. I don't go too mad as have my own kids but would buy maybe 6 toys for her. Last Xmas I felt Sil was annoyed opening them and tbh it ruined the experience of giving!

They don't like her having plastic toys so DM and I said we'd love to go halves on a wooden playhouse for their garden, which they have loads of room for in garden nd she has minimal toys(no garden toys at all).

DM spoke to DB about it he had ok'd it then I got a text telling me they only want one small present for her..so we have had to forget about the house.

I'm just sick of having a negative vibe around her presents. I love buying for her and she really loves toys and gets so much out of them.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 25/10/2019 07:37

Not only AYBU you're shit stirring too.

SegregateMumBev · 25/10/2019 07:37

Can you sponsor an animal at the local zoo in her name, and then make several trips during the year to visit?

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 25/10/2019 07:39

DH and I struggle with ‘plastic tar’ - we have well meaning family who firmly believe quantity is more important than quality!

The reality is that we just don’t like the waste and damage to the environment. Every year we say things like ‘don’t buy for us we’ll just do kids’ or ‘we’d love charity donations or just one small thing - edible stuff always appreciated 👍🏻‘

But every year we end up with cheap plastic handbags, Knock off perfumes, ornaments that don’t suit our house in the slightest and cheap toiletries (DH is allergic to most)! And we don’t even unpackaged it all before it’s straight to the charity shop - and DH resents having to load up the car and drive it all there !

On the one hand ‘it’s the thought that counts’ but at the same time it doesn’t feel like they’ve thought about us at all!

MinTheMinx · 25/10/2019 07:40

OP, your niece really doesn't need 'stuff'. I'm a childminder and there's so much kids can do using 'everyday' resources that it just isn't necessary to have a playroom packed to the rafters. If you're a materialistic person yourself it can be hard to get away from the idea of 'gifts equal love' but maybe it's time for a bit of a rethink on this? The kids I look after are all being taught about sustainability at school, in line with the knowledge that we just can't carry on producing the amount of waste we do currently. How about a well chosen book ('101 Things For Kids To Do Outdoors', 'The Nature Activity Book') and a pledge to spend time with your niece trying out some of the ideas, rather than buying things you've been asked not to? Kids LOVE one-to-one attention from the special people in their lives.

Brefugee · 25/10/2019 07:41

To all those, stating op is being unreasonable.....
You don’t justify why is it ok for sil and bil to have been buying extravagant gifts and cluttering up her house for years

if the OP had been asking the DB not to do that, it would be a fair one, but she doesn't say that. So yes, she is unreasonable.

"my SIL keeps feeding my DS chocolate when i ask her not to" rousing mumsnet chorus of "SIL is being VVVVU". Same thing, right?

Knittedfairies · 25/10/2019 07:49

OP, I think a gift experience/day out/panto is the way to go for you; feeding meerkats sounds memorable. As to the PP buying a gift they've been specifically asked not to buy; just why?

vincettenoir · 25/10/2019 07:55

I know what it’s like to have limited storage space and can see it from your sils point of view. Maybe the solution is as simple as just doing what she asks regarding presents even if you feel compelled to buy more. Especially as you say it has made things tense in previous years.

RedskyToNight · 25/10/2019 07:55

I recently redecorated and tidied out my son's room.
The amount of stuff that well meaning relatives have bought him over the years that he's played with once or twice or, in some cases, not at all was staggering. I think we had about 12 binbags worth (they've now all been charity shopped or sold). Yes we had the space, and yes he liked getting it, but I can't see this other than a huge waste on every level

I'd agree with PPs, if you want to "spoil" your niece, go with non-material things - trips out, tickets to somewhere she'd like etc.

RLOU30 · 25/10/2019 07:59

berefugee I think what the PP was trying to say was trying to say is that the brother set the precedent and OP is just following suit.
It is a bit odd. My brother would just acknowledge the past but say it's not necessary now we both have children and would appreciate doing it this way instead. The brother sounds like he has forgotten the "tradition"he started.

MindyStClaire · 25/10/2019 08:00

Six gifts?! Our family is tiny on both sides - just one sibling each side and both sets of parents still together. If they each bought six gifts, that's 24 before we bought a thing! Far too much, and bound to be duplication.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 25/10/2019 08:01

@WagtailRobin way to highjack the thread with your own unreasonableness. That's a genuinely daft way to behave and it's really disrespectful to your siblings.

People have different attitudes, customs and values around gifts and 'stuff'. OP, just respect the parents. Buy one small classy gift. Spoil your niece with attention and time instead.

Blobby10 · 25/10/2019 08:12

I would just set up a savings account for your niece and put the amount that you would normally spend on presents into that. its much more practical and will benefit her for much longer than the toys you currently buy. Will also stop your DB and SIL getting hacked off with you!

Derbee · 25/10/2019 08:26

YABU not to respect your B and SIL’s wishes. Also, ignore @WagtailRobin because they sound like the most awful person.

Phineyj · 25/10/2019 08:45

I think the DB has driven the SIL mad with his huge and random present buying for their DC and the last thing she needs is you joining in! One token thing and some kind of voucher is the way forward.

blahblahblahblahhh · 25/10/2019 08:49

Not everyone wants their houses full to bursting with plastic tat and also not everyone wants their kids growing up knowing that being bought piles of stuff is normal.
I too hate the amount of stuff people buy. I'd be annoyed too! My MIL tends to ignore when we say 1 gift, but we have fixed that problem now by telling her anything extra she buys has to stay at her house. Suddenly she doesn't want all the crap in her house either!

pelirocco123 · 25/10/2019 08:50

Buying loads of gifts for a child overwelms them and in my experience tends to spoil the day for them
She isnt your child you need to learn to respect their wishes , you seem to take pleasure in deliberately causing trouble you do not have your neice's best interest at heart

MintyMabel · 25/10/2019 09:03

she really loves toys and gets so much out of them.

Nonsense. They will be dragged out when you visit. No child needs 5 toys at once.

they have plenty room/a playroom

It isn’t up to you to tell them how they should use their home. We have a playroom. It is full of drawers, full of crap she gets as presents but never looks at.

RedskyToNight · 25/10/2019 09:06

she really loves toys and gets so much out of them.

Do you not know from your own children that it's more likely she'll be temporarily excited by sight of a new toy, and that a couple of days later it will be forgotten about?

Blackbear19 · 25/10/2019 09:21

That's just a crazy amount of stuff. I don't normally buy into the idea of filling savings accounts at Christmas but this might be an idea.

Another idea would be to buy what you've been asked to get and some practical stuff clothes, books, swim lessons, or magazine subscription. Somebody suggested vouchers could be given attached to a boxed helium balloon.

Idontwanttotalk · 25/10/2019 09:23

YABVVU. I can't believe your audacity in buying 6 presents when your SIL just says to buy PJs. If doesn't matter that they were smallish, it matters that you show a total disrespect for SIL and DB. Listen to what she says - she doesn't want the playroom cluttered with crap.
I definitely wouldn't want someone deciding to put a wooden playhouse in my garden. To some that would be a blot on the landscape. It doesn't matter who was buying it and that it was for a joint occasion. Your DB was also wrong in not consulting his wife before giving an answer to you.

I think your SIL has a better approach to gifts in terms of not spoiling the child and caring about the environment. Lack of clutter is also great for good mental health.

If you continue to disregard their wishes it won't end well for your relationship.

As for the poster who has deliberately bought something she was explicitly told not to - I can't express just how rude that is. I'd be furious and want nothing more to do with you. Has it even occurred to you that they may want to buy that themselves?

SunshineCake · 25/10/2019 09:25

Books ? I understand the not wanting plastic or a big garden thing but books can't be an issue surely ?

SunshineCake · 25/10/2019 09:27

@WagtailRobin maybe they don't want the LOL toy as they'd like to buy it for their own child?

Original poster
mumofthreepeople · 25/10/2019 09:36

Ol I get it, I am being unreasonable! I will defo look into experiences from now on. She is getting older now so can get more from them. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
SkiingIsHeaven · 25/10/2019 09:46

It is embarrassing.

MIL and SIL buy a ridiculous amount of presents and my side of the family buy a normal amount.

It makes my family look tight fisted, which they are not.

If my DM tried to complete then she would have to do the same for my sister's kids because she likes everything to be fair then where does it end?

I think it is rude to ignore people's wishes.

BeanBag7 · 25/10/2019 09:51

@Sunshinecake
I hope that is the case, so when WagtailRobin gives it to her on boxing day the girl will say "oh I've already got this" and wipe the smug look off her face.

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