Cleaner I will pay for

[myhandsareverycold]

My partner is extremely comfortable financially. Earns a enormous 6 figure sum for working as a company director around 20 very flexible hours a week. I work 60+ hours a week in a stressful legal role for about a third of his salary. We share a huge house. We have 5 children at home together. I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. I asked tonight if I paid for a cleaner would that be ok. He said no. How can I persuade him? Two weeks ago he said he would unload the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen. That didn't happen. Please give me another perspective. I just want a cleaner to change the beds and do the ironing. I can cope with the rest. Can't understand why he says no. We had a cleaner before,,,,, give me perspective, good or bad lease

Why do you need his permission ?!!

Fucking hell. Ltb. Honestly.
He thinks your job is to be his skivvy. He thinks he is above you.

Also - he should be doing more if he only works 20 hrs a week. He sounds like a knob.

Why bother persuading him?
Why did you even ask him?

I’d discuss with my partner as a courtesy if we’d not had a cleaner before because some people don’t like someone else in the house.

It doesn’t sound like a partnership.

I’m shocked to read this. How can he be so selfish? Why do you do everything if you also work three times the hours he does?

All money should be shared. He sounds awful

I’m also shocked to read this. For a start, why aren’t your finances shared? Secondly, why isn’t he pulling his weight domestically? Thirdly, if you want a cleaner and you’ll pay for it, get one. He is being a total arsehole

What? Are you serious? Why would you need his permission to pay for a cleaner? Why isn't he helping around the house? Is he your husband or your master?

You’re in a legal role, and yet you can’t articulate your argument with your husband about spending your money.

Hmmmmmm

Agree with others, this is crazy.

Imagine someone else writing this. Working over sixty hours, plus running a house, how can you possibly manage all that plus five children.

Something needs to go. I vote him.

Unless all the children are yours and he lets you stay in his house I can see why you need to ask. Unless he is tight with money too. I just can't believe you have to ask after you do all the work in the house.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. If he's only working 20hrs a week he should be stepping up to the mark and it sounds like that's what he's saying he will do but isn't following through with it. Make a list of jobs that need doing that you'd have a cleaner do, have him agree that he will now do these - put it up somewhere prominent so he's reminded and ticks them off as he goes. Completely stop doing all housework so he can actually see that it needs done - if you're getting fed up and just doing it anyway then it's invisible to him. After a week or two of him seeing what a state the place is in (or miraculously he steps up and does it all) have the conversation again about a cleaner, only this time don't volunteer to pay for it -it should be coming out of your family income, it's not your job to do all the cleaning or pay for it. You can't enjoy your lovely big house if it's a constant state and you can't enjoy your time when you're not working if all you do is tidy up.

Erm, just book a cleaner and tell him you’ve done so.

Pls tell me you don't have shared children with this waste of oxygen?

Stop doing it. Any of it. See how long it takes him to pull his own finger out or ‘let’ you get a cleaner.

This sounds like a wind up thread. If it's serious, there are so many things wrong with that set up it's unreal.

It's not a wind up,I promise.

Taking all your comments on board. Thank you. I'm feeling very empowered.

Too much stress all round for you trying to do everything.
Get yourself a cleaner, someone who can come in a few hours a day monday to friday and can take over at least 50% of the house work
And make the arrogant git pay for them too.

Do you have access to joint funds?
Just hire a cleaner. If hes not prepated to do it himself he is not in a position to comment. Even if you are paying for it yourself (but you shouldn't be), its your money, your choice. He can lump it.

Somebody explained her thoughts on a cleaner to me in a way that made perfect sense:
“I earn £50 an hour. I pay a cleaner £12 per hour. I therefore can stay at work longer earning £38 extra that I wouldn’t have earned had I been at home cleaning. It’s worth my while to pay a cleaner”.
Makes sense to me.

More importantly though, what does your lazy, thoughtless husband do with the 40 hours a week he has to himself as you are working?

If he’s not prepared to do the cleaning or hire a cleaner just you stop all Wife Work and he will soon notice! No dinner, no food in cupboards, no shirts cleaned and ironed. Yeah, he’ll soon notice....
don’t starve the kids though! Just him til he gets the message. “I’m working 60 hours darling, you’re working 20. Either you do the stuff or we get someone in who will. What would you prefer?”
He sounds like a right catch.
Without prejudice!

You persuade him by saying, "I've hired a cleaner, they're coming every Monday for x hours."

If he doesn't like it he can do the cleaning himself.

Fuck that

Why do you need his permission ?!!

This.

I don’t earn anywhere near what you or your husband earn but I love my cleaners. They just lift some of the pressure and there is nothing better than coming home to a clean house.

Just tell him you're getting a cleaner and stop doing everything from today!
Also, try to cut your hours - to have time for you