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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cleaner I will pay for

89 replies

myhandsareverycold · 24/10/2019 21:37

My partner is extremely comfortable financially. Earns a enormous 6 figure sum for working as a company director around 20 very flexible hours a week. I work 60+ hours a week in a stressful legal role for about a third of his salary. We share a huge house. We have 5 children at home together. I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. I asked tonight if I paid for a cleaner would that be ok. He said no. How can I persuade him? Two weeks ago he said he would unload the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen. That didn't happen. Please give me another perspective. I just want a cleaner to change the beds and do the ironing. I can cope with the rest. Can't understand why he says no. We had a cleaner before,,,,, give me perspective, good or bad lease

OP posts:

avinitall · 24/10/2019 22:32

Jon Slow take note:
Working in a legal role doesn't automatically make you able to articulate an argument with a partner or anyone else. Maybe OP works in a non-contentious area of law.
My brother is an accountant and rubbish at maths 😂

mumwon · 24/10/2019 22:33

I really have difficulty get my head round these men -we are an older (!!!!) couple & it has never occurred to me or dh that he would ever forbid me from doing something like this - we are equal partners in our marriage - your dh sounds like he is on a power trip to me!

Notajogger · 24/10/2019 22:34

Income should be being pooled - so you both have joint access and he's not keeping his massive salary while you work 3x as much as his AND act as his skivvy - i bet it's not?

He should be doing everything around the house, and dealing with everything to do with the kids, seeing as he has 40 hours more free time than you a week (which is equivalent to the time for a normal full time job...).

You should not be paying for the cleaner out of your own money. It is not your responsibility to keep the house clean.

Drogosnextwife · 24/10/2019 22:35

Why did you ask him?

messolini9 · 24/10/2019 22:40

WTF? Is this a wind-up?

As your husband only works 1/3 of the hours you do, why is he not already doing 66% of the housework & childcare?

If he is too posh & important to lower himself to domestic chores then he must pay for 66% of your load to be done for you.

If he refuses, you have at least looked the facts on the face: he sees you a a drone & his skivvy. But on the bright side, post-divorce, you will have enough maintenance coming I to hire your own cleaner.

OverByYer · 24/10/2019 22:40

This is a joke right?

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 24/10/2019 22:54

You work 60 hours a week in a legal role and you had to ask permission to get a cleaner!
As others have said WHY?

blackteasplease · 24/10/2019 23:01

I agree. I'm a lawyer and I was in an EA relationship for years.

Sushiroller · 24/10/2019 23:11

Here are deeper issues in your marriage and you sound like a saint...
He should be doing at least 2/3rds of it...

I'd make a list of every.single. job. you do...
Show him and tell him to pick 2/3rds worth...
When he is outraged and says no, stop doing any of them for him.

No cooking, no laundry, no ironing, no picking up his clothes, no clearing his mess, no moving his plates from the side.
If you have one, stop unloading the dishwasher too.

Frankly it's a hill I'd die on. It's the lack of respect that is the killer.

WagtailRobin · 24/10/2019 23:14

I hope asking for his permission is a joke. I really genuinely hope to God you have not asked him for his agreement on getting a cleaner.

You're a grown woman, a mother, a wife, you have the finances to pay a cleaner, how exactly does he factor into the decision? He doesn't at all, if you want to hire a cleaner, then just do so. He isn't your father or your boss, do as you please.

Although I personally think he should be contributing AT LEAST half to the cost of a cleaner!

Inertia · 24/10/2019 23:23

Whose name is the house in, given that you say partner- am guessing that means you are not married?

I'd worry that someone who sees you as staff would be quite prepared to leave you financially vulnerable- he clearly doesn't view you as an equal.

OverByYer · 24/10/2019 23:24

I'll probably get roasted for this but are you both white British? Are there cultural issues here?

weymouthswanderingmermaid · 24/10/2019 23:41

Who did his cleaning cooking etc before moved in?
I have a friend who's partner wouldn't "allow" a cleaner as he was a socialist , but did F all housework. She got one anyway but didn't tell him.

You don't need permission, OP. Stand up to the lazy fucker!

PavlovaFaith · 24/10/2019 23:44

WTAF?????

Why the *#%! isn't he doing the housework?

MarthasGinYard · 24/10/2019 23:46

Hhhhhmmmmm

PixieDustt · 25/10/2019 00:05

Your money you do what you like with it.
You don't need his permission !
Go and hire one and tell him to f off and clear up after himself if he doesn't like it?

Original poster

myhandsareverycold · 25/10/2019 04:51

Thank you all! Search for a cleaner starts tomorrow. Sick of being treated as non equal. To answer a couple of questions - partner not husband, house in his name (although I have property too) and not cultural, both white British.

You've all been great. Thank you.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2019 05:30

I’m glad you’re feeling empowered. But really you shouldn’t have to pay for a cleaner in his house. He sounds like a complete arsehole. As you’ve got a house of your own, maybe you need an exit plan.

Fluffyhairforever · 25/10/2019 06:05

You’re a lawyer? And you’re actually asking this question?

ukgift2016 · 25/10/2019 06:09

You really expect me to believe a woman who works in a senior legal role would have five children with a man she is not married to?

Ilovetolurk · 25/10/2019 06:26

Where does OP say she has a senior role?

And why the assumption about marriage? Only on MN is it a panacea.

daisychain01 · 25/10/2019 06:28

Please give me another perspective

Um. He's a tight arse, and you're being mugged off.

What do you gain being in a relationship with someone who's that stingy he's earning shit loads, but thinks he can save money by making you into a skivvy. And doesn't lift a finger to help. Urgh how can you live with him?

fia101 · 25/10/2019 06:35

If he is of the opinion that cleaning the house has nothing to do with him then it naturally follows that a cleaner doesn't either.

Book it.

If payment must come directly from your funds make sure you're reimbursed via joint funds.

Don't even tell them about it. They're not interested in cleaning so why would they be interested in this.

quietheart · 25/10/2019 06:37

Lots of assumptions on this thread. Pleased you feel empowered OP, however do you feel confident enough to consider and take control of the bigger issues in your relationship?

stucknoue · 25/10/2019 06:40

If you work the fewer hours then you do the cleaning (or organise a cleaner)

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