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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cleaner I will pay for

89 replies

myhandsareverycold · 24/10/2019 21:37

My partner is extremely comfortable financially. Earns a enormous 6 figure sum for working as a company director around 20 very flexible hours a week. I work 60+ hours a week in a stressful legal role for about a third of his salary. We share a huge house. We have 5 children at home together. I do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. I asked tonight if I paid for a cleaner would that be ok. He said no. How can I persuade him? Two weeks ago he said he would unload the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen. That didn't happen. Please give me another perspective. I just want a cleaner to change the beds and do the ironing. I can cope with the rest. Can't understand why he says no. We had a cleaner before,,,,, give me perspective, good or bad lease

OP posts:
MollyButton · 25/10/2019 06:40

You have bigger issues than a cleaner.

You do realise he could probably chuck you and your children onto the streets with no warning?

Anyone who is working 20 hrs and allows their partner to work 60+ without at least doing everything to make their life easier - is not a "nice" person. (And unless you are a Doctor or something, he should be contributing more so you can work less.)

pictish · 25/10/2019 06:42

It’s fair for him to say he doesn’t want a cleaner as he is entitled to an opinion on how his household is run and who is in it...but not if his intention is that you do it all instead. If HE wants to do the cleaning that’s fine...but we all know that’s not what is going on here.

CatteStreet · 25/10/2019 06:43

OP, if you're genuine, I'm sorry people are casting aspersions, but the fact that this thread sounds like a wind-up (and I also think it does, tbh) should hopefully give you pause for thought.

If you are not genuine, there are enough women in somewhat less extreme versions of this scenario to make a wind-up of this nature in pretty poor taste. Do desist.

purplepalace · 25/10/2019 06:45

Eh? His permission?

Fatshedra · 25/10/2019 06:45

I can cope with the rest

Don't be a mug, you don't need to cope with anything. Get a cleaner, if they are good and keen get them to do washing up, tidying, ironing. Or get a second one for that. You do need to be specific about what you want done to make sure it's what you want rather than what they think you want.
There is no need for you to do any of it, you have a job.

CatsOnCatnip · 25/10/2019 06:48

Has he always been this tight and lazy? Just hire one if you’re going to pay for it (although if he really can’t be arsed to pull his weight if he’s only working 20hrs i’d be inclined to insist he does!).I did when my husband and I were working long full time hours in very manual jobs as I was struggling to give up our sometimes one day off to do it all. He wasn’t comfortable and told me he really didn’t want one. I hired one anyway and paid for her. Life was better.

WitsEnding · 25/10/2019 06:54

How old are your children - you say 'living at home' ? Does he consider that they should be pulling their weight around the house more than they do?

I can see how that might influence his thinking, although of course he's unreasonable not to help, share money or tell you how you can spend yours.

NoSauce · 25/10/2019 06:56

So he’s on an “enormous 6 figure salary”, has the house in his name, you’re not married, you work 60+ hours a week AND do all the housework PLUS you have 5 kids?

And you don’t see how plain wrong this is? Confused

LadyAllegraImelda · 25/10/2019 07:16

Controlling, financially abusive behaviour, he's acting like your 'master'

Countrybumpkins · 25/10/2019 07:33

Op what exactly does your “dp” bring to the table.

Countrybumpkins · 25/10/2019 07:36

Op how can you advocate for other people when you need to ask for permission for a cleaner?

OverByYer · 25/10/2019 07:47

Sorry OP I think you need to review more about your set up than just getting a cleaner.
I asked if you were white British because it reads very like you are culturally'oppressed'
I find it hard to believe that someone with a career such as yours cannot see how unequal your relationship is.
My husband earns more than me , all of our money goes into our joint account and neither of us quibble about who spends what unless for big purchases.
And I do have a cleaner - there was no debate about that one!

Missteebeee · 25/10/2019 07:51

He can clean his house

Tell him it’s now his responsibility since you work three times as many hours as he does

Let’s see how fast a cleaner materialises

Waxonwaxoff0 · 25/10/2019 07:56

He should be doing more around the house as he works less than half the hours you do. Does he pick up the slack with childcare, school runs etc?

If he doesn't want to do the cleaning then he should be the one paying for the cleaner!

Trimusical · 25/10/2019 08:00

Persuade him? Just hire someone and tell him they are coming, no more explanations needed. Either that or go on strike. Stop ironing his shirts and doing stuff for him. It's not fair on you at all.

RockinHippy · 25/10/2019 08:24

. He said no. How can I persuade him

Why do you even have to, if he wants to be a lazy assed slob, he pays for a cleaner, end of, if he doesn't like it, he can sling his hook, he doesn't want a wife, he wants a 1 woman harem & you need to put your foot down or get shit of him, you deserve so much more respect than this

Gary40 · 25/10/2019 08:57

Listen to OPTIMUMMY.

sanchezz · 25/10/2019 09:07

OP - is the problem not so much that you feel you can’t book a cleaner yourself, but that you want him to pay for it?

Damn right, he should be paying for it!!!

What does he actually have to say for himself? He hasn’t got a leg to stand on fgs! 5 kids in the house and he does nothing? Ridiculous!

We have 4 kids in the house and various cats and it’s chaos. Half-term now for 2 weeks and I seem to have at least 8 in the house at any one time. All making cakes, it seems.

My DH doesn’t do much round the house because he’s not here in the day, but the cleaner comes for 5 hours on Monday and 5 hours on Friday. Sometimes longer. That’s just hoovering, mopping floors, dusting and bathrooms. I still do the beds etc and anything midweek obviously, but having the house done twice a week is great because we tend to go out those days and then you return to everything done and a nice calm home.

I did suggest to DH I could stop the cleaner now all the DC are at school and he said, “No way.” And I’m a SAHM. He said he doesn’t want me to be a skivvy and I’ve got enough on. He’d prefer me to focus on the DC and doing things for myself, as well as admin etc because we have a lot of that.

How old are your kids and are they all his? He sounds deranged tbh.

Kiwiinkits · 25/10/2019 09:10

My DH grumbles about having a cleaner sometimes. Do I listen? Do I fuck! I love the cleaner. I’d sacrifice pretty much ALL luxuries just to keep that service.

QuentinWinters · 25/10/2019 09:12

I dont think the thread is a wind up as my ex was the same (although eventually I stopped doing housework and he started but you would think that made him some kind of saint)
I no longer have the husband, I have a cleaner, I love it.
I also think this shows bigger issues of power and control in your relationship

DonningDaFlameProof · 25/10/2019 09:14

Do people use the word empowered in real life?

Fluffyhairforever · 25/10/2019 09:28

This is a wind up. It touches on too many MN emotionally-eliciting subjects - he earns significantly more, he doesn’t help, they aren’t married, she’s in a vulnerable position etc.

Peachez · 25/10/2019 19:27

Stop doing any cleaning. I mean do zip, zilch, nada. This is nuts.

Countrybumpkins · 25/10/2019 19:35

I don’t think it is @Fluffyhairforever
The op has a posting history including that she works as a child protection advocate Shock

FunOnTheBeach20 · 25/10/2019 19:38

Don’t ask him. If he doesn’t like it he can do it himself.

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