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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pissed off at teen on our hol?

92 replies

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 24/10/2019 17:01

Bit of background- single parent for 15 years, one ds almost 16. Paid a fricking small fortune for a half-term holiday abroad, 24 hrs all inclusive, every sport under the sun, because ds said this would potentially be
the last hol just the two of us as he's planning to go with friends from herein..
I'm currently writing this from the beach, been here on my own since 10am, he slept til 12, ate, went back to sleep, got up 2pm but stayed by pool and now at footy.
Anyway, I had (unreasonably it turns out) expected him to want to spend at least some time with me. But evidently not many other Brits are on half term and he hasn't really had anyone to hang out with, so he literally spent the first 3 days sulking in the room, watching f*#£&!g Netflix on his phone.
By day 3 I had words, as to me this was ridiculous and he did start to go out of the room and take part in tennis, archery, footie etc but still has no interest whatsoever in spending any time with me. It's all I can do to have him sit and eat a meal with me before he gets up and goes back to the room & facetiming his mates/watching downloaded movies.
So.. AIBU to feel absolutely gutted?
Have I expected too much or is he just being a typical selfish teen?
Is this normal for a nearly 16 year old?
I've been in tears a couple of times this week but two days ago just thought bollocks to it and went off on my own and have enjoyed as much as poss. But I have felt like I've utterly wasted £2k, we may as well have stayed at home & my relationship with my son is feeling none existent right now. Can anyone reassure me this is normal?

OP posts:
moreismore · 24/10/2019 17:07

I don’t have kids this age but I think he’s old enough to understand this is unacceptable and you should call him out on it.

Whoops75 · 24/10/2019 17:09

He could do better but 16 is a tricky age where friends are very important and FOMO(fear of missing out) causes anxiety.

Rather than avoid each other acknowledge him missing the lads but he’ll be back soon and it would be a shame not to enjoy the time together.

Ebonyandivory2 · 24/10/2019 17:11

He’s a 16 year old boy. I think you’re expecting a little too much to be honest.

Northernsoullover · 24/10/2019 17:12

My son was the same when we went away in July. Spent every day in the apartment with the TV on. I did book us on a trip one day so we did have some time together (forced). We got home and he told my dad what a lovely holiday we'd had Confused.
The way I looked at it was that he enjoyed himself. I got to relax. Try and use this time to recharge YOUR batteries. I asked my son did he want to come to the beach/pool. If he said no I respected that and spent the time chilling without guilt.

AnyFucker · 24/10/2019 17:12

Sounds normal to me. Your expectations are too high.

BarbedBloom · 24/10/2019 17:13

I was a mostly nice teen but I didn't really want to spend much time with my mum at that age, which looking back was horrible. Naturally I just wanted to be more independent or around people my own age. Not saying it is okay, but this seems to be true for most people I know with kids that age, especially if in public.

isayhitocats · 24/10/2019 17:14

Sounds normal, sorry

Theresnobslikeshowbs · 24/10/2019 17:15

He’s 16, last year we had to drag my 16 year old out, he was happy to spend 5 minutes by the pool then it was ‘too hot’ so he’d go back inside to watch and read stuff on his phone. He did come out with us every day to do activities, and attend every meal no problem though. But he also had a brother a couple of years younger.

Soozikinzii · 24/10/2019 17:16

I have 5 ADS and one ASS so I do know what lads of this age are like and this does sound pretty standard. Have some time to yourself get a beauty treatment and read a couple of books. I think it's fair to expect him to have a couple of evening meals with you xx

Spied · 24/10/2019 17:16

He's at THE awkward age.
A year or two ago or a couple of years in the future it would be a different story.
Try not to take it personally.

Whatisthisfuckery · 24/10/2019 17:19

That’s teens I’m afraid. They’re not the most engaging of age groups.

Is there an activity you can plan to do together. Maybe he’s finding feeling responsible for decideing what to do and having no structure difficult? You know what they’re like at that age, if they can’t see their friends doing something they don’t know what to do.

I don’t blame you for feeling pissed off and upset though. It’s hard knowing what to do with them when you’re a single parent. They push so hard to be independent yet they seem utterly at sea when they get it.

LoyaltyBonus · 24/10/2019 17:20

I think its usual for him to not want to spend much time with mum but he's also old enough to have some manners and to understand that sometimes you do things just to make someone you love happy.

On this kind of holiday, unless you were going to participate in the same things,you were never going to spend a lot of time together but I would expect proper meal times.

FWIW, I find the most successful holidays with teens are either scheduled family activity holidays, where there's one activity per day/morning/afternoon and you all do the same thing (which yes, means mum goes rock climbing!) or weirdly, some of our best are the ones where there is literally "nothing to do" and we spend time just relaxing in each other's company with a book, good food, an afternoon stroll. They don't think they want to go for a walk but once you're out they enjoy it and because there's nothing else to do, they really talk Smile

FAQs · 24/10/2019 17:20

Snap almost, currently also on holiday, spent the same amount of money and have to nag my daughter (also 15 to get ready to eat. I gave up this morning and went down in my own, felt a bit embarrassed as everyone was in families and groups. Tried to take a couple of pastries up to her and got told off by the waitress, I lied and said my daughter was ill (only paid for half board) and knew she would moan she was hungry (and I’ve paid for it) , was made to wrap two mini pastries only, extra embarrassment.

Weather has been ok until today she either wants to sleep or sunbath and nothing else, I have booked a trip tomorrow which has cost another €120 euros to see some of the island. Asked reception for two breakfast boxes for the morning as advised by our travel rep and was refused, ended up arguing with them after the hassle this morning, total overreaction on my part.

Think this might be our last holiday Sad anyway now I’ve offloaded on your thread just wanted to say I feel your pain.

Original poster
YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 24/10/2019 17:24

I'd be more worried if he wanted to spend every waking moment with me of course, but just one day would have been quite nice. I suppose because he'd said it would be our last together I'd imagined things might be slightly different. It's hard watching them drift further and further and this has really rammed it home for me that he's pretty much an independent man now. i've expected too much from him then evidently.

OP posts:
pjmask · 24/10/2019 17:25

Sorry op but your expectations weren't realistic if he's like any other 15 year old I've ever known.

I'm on holiday in Spain with our 3 dc. Youngest is a joy, loving the pool, the entertainment, the huge choice at the buffet! Next one up is in between, flitting between playing in the pool with little sister, or moodily FaceTiming or listening to music with headphones on.

Eldest 15 year old hasn't made it down to breakfast once. Has forgone the lovely sunshine to be up in room where chargers are. Engages intermittently but appears to be having most fun when laughing hysterically FaceTiming friends. Yet we leave tomorrow and is apparently gutted as loves it here?!

All things come full circle. In 20 years they will be us, unable to understand why their dc are so self absorbed and anti social on holiday! But we have to let them be the age they are and remember it's not forever.

It's harder for you op as because it's just the two of you it's very noticeable, but I think he's just a normal teen by the sounds of it, and the fact he's made an effort for you (mine has made none for me!) tells me you have a good relationship

willstarttomorrow · 24/10/2019 17:29

Sorry sounds normal to me. But I get it as a single parent. Before DH died we went on lots of lovely holidays and it has always been a priority in our finances (not mega bucks, but what we do). I have carried on but the last 2/3 years as we have hit tween/teen have felt really stressful. The intensity of it just being the two of you is massive and this summer DD just moaned about wanting to be back home with her friends. As an only child she always disappeared off and made a gang of friends but this is harder as they get older. It does make you ask yourself why you bother!

Original poster
YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 24/10/2019 17:35

You've all offered great pearls of wisdom thank you so much for your lovely replies. I think I was partly feeling as though I must be some horrible person he doesn't want to be in the company of, but just knowing others' similar experiences is reassuring me that it's normal behaviour for his age group. I think it's important I remember, that, like other phases, this won't be forever. Thank you for this reminder. Roll on the next couple of years or so when this awkward period is over! .. and to others going through/recently have, my heart goes out to you, it's flipping hard! 💐

OP posts:
FizzyIce · 24/10/2019 17:36

Sadly yes .. when my ds was 16 we went to Disneyworld (he’s always enjoyed it ) but at that age he was the same and the tantrums from him were embarrassing.. we called him out on his shit behaviour and then he was a bit better but still preferring sleeping and sunbathing over anything else .
Now he’s 19 and lives away from home he loves spending time with us all and comes on little breaks away and we all just get on and have a good laugh.
He will grow out of it and I know it’s crap now but it does get better

Troels · 24/10/2019 17:36

I stopped taking Dd this year, she would need surgical phone removal.
I went alone for a long weekend with my sister and she moaned why can't she come. I told her it's cheaper for me for her to stay home online that to do it in a sunny country. I wasn't paying flights for her to sit indoors on her phone. She grimmaced and said Yeah I suppose.
So next year I'm not taking her either. Unless she has a sudden change of heart.

dottiedodah · 24/10/2019 17:39

Often they pull away more from you if you have been a really good Mum! A friend said that Teens have to work very hard at seperating from you ,and becoming a person in their own right .Boys have a lot going on and I would not worry about it too much .Quite often they "return " to you when a bit older and want to hang out more then .

bringbacksideburns · 24/10/2019 17:40

Went away in August with my two teens (16 and then 18)
My best friend and her DH and son (10) and her brother and his son (15).
Her brother's son hardly spoke to anyone but my dd and seemed sulky. They were all attached to their phones and wherever we went the first thing they would say would be " What's the Wi-Fi password?" to the waiter, which got irritating.

Her brother tried to interest his son in doing things but he was hard work. Even the maid apparently told him " Your son sleeps too much!"

My two were quite sociable in comparison. We gave them the option of going out together one night and they didn't want to, whereas at that age i would have been desperate to escape!
In short all teens are different but rest assured he is totally normal. Next time take a friend so you can at least get a conversation. Enjoy the rest of your holiday!

Leflic · 24/10/2019 17:40

I agree with pp, it’s a single parent thing.
I am everything to DS - good for, bad cop, good role model, flawed version. He’s fed up with me quite honestly. There’s no one else who’s got his back and I think that’s quite stressful to also be the one to have fun with.
No solution here’s except you should enjoy the holiday for you.You bloody deserve it.

RuthW · 24/10/2019 17:40

I think you are being unreasonable. Normal for a 15/16 year old.

Seaweed42 · 24/10/2019 17:43

Thing is no 16 year old boy wants to be SEEN with his mother going around the place. You are taking this far too personally.
He's a 16yr old lad, this is absolutely normal.
At this age they actually have to be like this in order to make the separation from their parents and go on to be able to manage themselves in the world. They have a much stronger identification with their own age group until they become adults and then it all resolves. His love for you is not in question here. You are his mother FFS, he adores the ground you walk on.

Frangipane · 24/10/2019 17:44

Another one who thinks it sounds normal. I've been through it 4 times. You would think, if kids express an interest in coming on holiday with you that they would participate in some way when on said holiday, but unfortunately they often do not. This year dh and I said sod it at the first sniff that there was going to be any awkwardness and went on our own, kids not invited. They seemed a bit surprised not to be included, but dh and I had a great time.