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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel pissed off at teen on our hol?

92 replies

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 24/10/2019 17:01

Bit of background- single parent for 15 years, one ds almost 16. Paid a fricking small fortune for a half-term holiday abroad, 24 hrs all inclusive, every sport under the sun, because ds said this would potentially be
the last hol just the two of us as he's planning to go with friends from herein..
I'm currently writing this from the beach, been here on my own since 10am, he slept til 12, ate, went back to sleep, got up 2pm but stayed by pool and now at footy.
Anyway, I had (unreasonably it turns out) expected him to want to spend at least some time with me. But evidently not many other Brits are on half term and he hasn't really had anyone to hang out with, so he literally spent the first 3 days sulking in the room, watching f*#£&!g Netflix on his phone.
By day 3 I had words, as to me this was ridiculous and he did start to go out of the room and take part in tennis, archery, footie etc but still has no interest whatsoever in spending any time with me. It's all I can do to have him sit and eat a meal with me before he gets up and goes back to the room & facetiming his mates/watching downloaded movies.
So.. AIBU to feel absolutely gutted?
Have I expected too much or is he just being a typical selfish teen?
Is this normal for a nearly 16 year old?
I've been in tears a couple of times this week but two days ago just thought bollocks to it and went off on my own and have enjoyed as much as poss. But I have felt like I've utterly wasted £2k, we may as well have stayed at home & my relationship with my son is feeling none existent right now. Can anyone reassure me this is normal?

OP posts:

LucileDuplessis · 24/10/2019 18:28

I can't find it now, but there was a thread just like this about the summer holidays! So it's normal I think.

blackteasplease · 24/10/2019 18:29

I do remember spending alot of my time sulking about listening to my walkman (in those days!) at that age, and sitting in the shade reading a book.

But we didn't get to eat if we didn't eat with the parents so that was that! The place we went was half board not AI though

Boyskeepswinging · 24/10/2019 18:31

There was a superb comment on another thread that sums up this awkward phase perfectly: in order for the caterpillar to become a butterfly he needs to spend time in his chrysalis.

And suddenly everything makes total sense (mine is a similar age)

cptartapp · 24/10/2019 18:34

My boys are 14 and 16 and have just spent 4 days sightseeing in Rome with us without too much fuss. It does help taking them both, they get on pretty well. Taking one teen on their would be much harder I imagine.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 24/10/2019 18:34

You're lucky he wanted to go away just the two of you ! My teenage son wouldn't have entertained the idea but now aged 19 is just beginning to emerge from the fugue state of teenage-hood and seems to like me again.
Dry your eyes - it's all perfectly normal.

BG2015 · 24/10/2019 18:37

I hardly see my 16 year old. It's all about the mates.

I think you've got unrealistic expectations to be honest. I'd have take loads of books to read, done my own thing and any time spent together is a bonus.

Miniloso · 24/10/2019 18:40

Normal. It’ll get better in about 5 years...

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 24/10/2019 18:41

any time spent together is a bonus

Oh yes ^ This with bells on

CalamityJune · 24/10/2019 18:46

I remember being that age. I was obsessed with my friends and myself. Phones weren't a thing but if they had been i'd have been glued to it too. I had my discman permanently attached to me and my nose in a book.

I don't think it says anything about him or your relationship with him. It is just a tough age. Just relax and enjoy yourself. He'll grow a personality in his own time!

NewName73 · 24/10/2019 18:48

Totally normal for a 16 yo boy I'm afraid.

Mine won't even come with me to the cinema, even if its a film he really wants to see.
In fact, he won't even watch netflix with me, even if it's something we both like. he'd rather watch it on his laptop in his room.

BritInUS1 · 24/10/2019 18:49

Can you book a day trip out together on a boat or something so you are together?

cantkeepawayforever · 24/10/2019 18:53

City break or equivalent is the way to go - agree 1 or 2 things to see on any particular day, and eat out for 1 meal a day (the other can be a picnic or self-catered, depending on where you are staying). Once those things are 'done', then separating to go to rooms, be on phones, read etc is absolutely fine. And because you are visiting places together - rather than simply 'being by the pool together', you can talk about what you are seeing, which can then naturally lead on to more general / deeper conversation, rather than having to 'talk about yourselves' from the outset.

We've been doing city breaks as main holidays since ours were about 14 and 12, and it works well.

I8toys · 24/10/2019 18:54

We go on regular trips with our two - DS1 16 yr12 and DS2 almost 14 Yr9. We tend to go on trips that hold some interest to them.

For example we've done Oslo, Prague/Berlin/Vienna, Edinburgh Fringe, Budapest this year and we are off to Milan next week. We include mostly history, VR, transport - trabant, boats etc. And don't given them time to think, lie in and sulk.

They are pretty good tbh and like the variety of what we book - we also do lots of tours so find out about the countries we are visiting. They also like to eat in expensive places so that helps!

I know we won't have much time left with DS1 so making the most of it. No idea what DS2 will be like on his own - god help us!

Bluerussian · 24/10/2019 18:59

i understand you feel hurt, op, but your son is only 16. They don't want to hang out with a parent if they are the only one doing it.

Surely your son still eats with you in the evening? I'd insist on that.

Hope you're feeling better and enjoying yourself.

Ragwort · 24/10/2019 19:06

Agree it’s totally normal, and even though I am over 60 now I can clearly remember that I just stopped going on family holidays at about 12. (I now quite enjoy a weekend away with my 86 year old DM, she is good company ).

BoomBoomsCousin · 24/10/2019 19:10

What are you expecting him to do with you? Just hang out on the beach? I think that is probably expecting a bit much (of anyone who doesn't particularly like sunbathing, let alone your teen kid). I can see that he might find just hanging out with you a bit dull and, potentially, cramping his style when it comes to making friends. And plenty of people do not like lying around on a beach. Is there a sport you could do together? Or somewhere to visit?

ChickenyChick · 24/10/2019 19:13

It is normal

My 17yr old does not really want to hang out with me much, it’s all about girlfriend, friends, gigs etc

I miss the days we watched bake off together! But then I remind myself that it would not be natural if he was still so attached to me as he was when he was a little boy...

It’s bittersweet

But it’s growing up

Hope you can enjoy the rest of your hol, just go and do your own thing

Bouledeneige · 24/10/2019 19:14

Yeah I'd say its pretty standard. Its not personal.

When my DS was 16 we went away on our own as his sister was going inter-railing. We had a deal before we went that as we were going to be touring I would need him to help me out. I particularly chose an adventurous holiday because i thought he would buy into the difference. He was good to his word and helped with the navigating and being company when we visited the sites. I knew not to push it so we only did one major site per day and then would go to our hotel and chill, swim and read (him playing games on his phone). He was good about keeping me company at the pool and dinner but then there werent any other english speaking kids around. Some of the time we played Uno - its not my favourite but that was my compromise too. It worked and was good for our relationship but we wouldn't naturally choose a complex/swimming pool holiday - we like to keep touring.

NannyOggsStripedSocks · 24/10/2019 19:15

You poor thing, I remember a holiday like this all too well, while my daughter and I sunbathed, and went for a wander my then teenaged son slept and skulked for about 1/2 the holiday. I realised after that he was self conscious about his body, so the pool was out, plus general teen moodiness. It's awful, but it will get better, just try and enjoy yourself.

NoProblem123 · 24/10/2019 19:16

Sorry - just a typical selfish teen I’m afraid. Toddlers are easier on holiday !

Can you sit and plan just 1 activity/outing per day to do together so at least his phone gets chance to recharge and make some friends of your own for the rest of the time ?

He’s chilling on his holiday so you can write off breakfasting together, and lunch is questionable - how about agreeing to dinner together ?

EdWinchester · 24/10/2019 19:16

Not normal in our family. I often long for a bit of teen sulking on holiday to get a break.

thecatsthecats · 24/10/2019 19:17

We had that "last, awful, misjudged" family holiday when I was about 16, my sister 18. It was horrible for all concerned.

Then we had some lovely breaks afterwards when my sister and I's University reading weeks aligned, and later I would join them for the odd chilled week through my twenties. I wish I still had the time for it!

My point being... It's not the last. Just a bit of a gap, hopefully, before you hit the later years where you're more in tune again.

maloofhoof · 24/10/2019 19:18

My DS is nearly 18. This summer was the 4th year in a row that he's insisted that he wants to come on holiday. Yet it's also the 4th year in a row that, aside from going out for dinner every night, and the non negotiable every other day out and about for a few hours, he's spent the rest of the time alone in the hotel room/apartment. So 7 out of 14 days on holiday he spends alone in the room excluding a meal out each night. The first two years I was tearing my hair out, convinced he hated me and was miserable. We're both much happier now I've relaxed and let him get on with it. The times he does get involved (boat trips, water parks etc) he really enjoys.
DD who is 16 on the other hand enjoys every minute of holidays and being with me and the rest of the family.
I can see though that I'd still be upset with my DS if it were just the two of us away and I was on my own so can understand how you feel.

capsule · 24/10/2019 19:21

My DS was a bit like this although we were away for 2 weeks so he did come on a couple of day trips with me. It was hard for me to understand why he wanted to spend so much time in the room on his phone rather than by the sea but apparently it's normal. He posted loads of pics on his instagram though so I think he really enjoyed his holiday.

TatianaLarina · 24/10/2019 19:24

The thought of going on holiday with my mother when I was 15!

You tried OP, it’s your last hurrah as it were.

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