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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop contact with a friend having a rough time

84 replies

NC2020 · 24/10/2019 15:59

A week or so ago I met up with 2 friends (lets call them A and B) I know from work. Neither of them now work where I do but we have stayed in touch.
A made a 'joke' at dinner that really upset me. At the time I just rolled my eyes but I cried all the way home, I am 7 months pregnant and the joke was relating to me likely to be a shit mum. I've talked at length to friends and my mum about this and I'm happy I'm not being overly sensitive. I'm not a sensitive person, I'm not upset easily and I haven't 'fallen out' with a friend in about 15 years.

So I made the decision to just reduce contact with A. No drama, no confronting just was going to back off a bit. She is very negative and draining as it is.

I haven't heard from her since we met up which is fine with me. Today B texts me and says she is worried about A being really down since starting her new job and breaking up with this guy (fairly casual thing, met up a few times) but I get that's still very upsetting. I know she has likely text me because A has told her I haven't been in touch.

I feel mean not contacting her if she is having a rough time. But I was feeling so done with her and now I don't know what to do? Basically am I being a bitch if I don't check in with her?

OP posts:

Lochroy · 24/10/2019 16:03

No, with friends you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And in this case you have a lot going on yourself at the moment so it's fine not to get in touch. But if she is struggling which may be behind her abnormal comment and you could be the bigger person then it would be a kind thing to do.

Stuckinanutshell · 24/10/2019 16:04

You should have confronted her at the time or shortly after about how and why she upset you. I never like this ghosting / phasing out (whatever you call it) thing. Adults should be able to say ‘Look A, you said X and it really upset me. Why did you say that?’ And have it out.

If you’re very hurt by her you can’t really offer support unless you drop the issue. The alternative is to make contact and explain why you’ve been out of contact (which seems a little cruel at this stage when she’s in a bad place).

So the question really is to offer support and forget about what she did or continue to be evasive with her.

But really I personally would have wanted to deal with the issue at the time if it had really hurt me.

SandAndSea · 24/10/2019 16:04

I think that your first job is to your own peace and happiness. If contacting her threatens those, then don't contact her. You can always say prayers or wish her well from a distance.

quincejamplease · 24/10/2019 16:06

I know she has likely text me because A has told her I haven't been in touch.

Ignoring an attempt to manipulate you does not make you mean or a bitch.

Happityhap · 24/10/2019 16:10

Has B asked you to do anything about A? You could tell B that you have a lot going on at the moment, so no spare brain space.
Is A someone you would normally be in touch with?

Original poster

NC2020 · 24/10/2019 16:12

@Stuckinanutshell this was actually the same as my mums point at the time.
If someone has upset you then tell them.
My thinking was I just didn't want the drama, she would have been upset. She can dish it but can't take it and it wouldn't have been quickly resolved. But I can accept that maybe that was the wrong thing to do.

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 24/10/2019 16:13

Just pount out your clearly on different paths and your unable to support her at this time especially as your revising so you dont become the shit mom like she predicted

slipperywhensparticus · 24/10/2019 16:14

Point out POINT not pount

Original poster

NC2020 · 24/10/2019 16:15

@Happityhap she hasn't said I should do anything. But I think she is opening the topic of 'have you spoken to her', I know they text daily so she likely knows I haven't and I suspect this is A telling her she hasn't heard from me.

I swear friendships are more complicated in your late 20s early 30s. I've never had this in any of my other groups of friends before.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 24/10/2019 16:18

I know its s mature to call people out on things they say, by it means showing your vulnerability to someone who has just shown they are prepared to upset you. It doesn’t sound a good move to me, but then I’m not a fan of confrontation so could be looking for excuses.

sillysmiles · 24/10/2019 16:18

I can't see how anyone would honestly say to anyone that they'd be a shit mum and for it not to be a joke. Mistimed and crude joke. Do you think what she said she intended to hurt you?
I don't think you are being overly sensitive but I do wonder a) why anyone would say that and b) if it was a clumsy attempt at a joke that totally came out wrong.

I have a friend who completely stopped talking to me after a night out. I have no idea what I said to him. Nothing was meant to be offensive. I do wish I knew what it was because no hurt was intended.

If things are shitty in her life she probably never meant to hurt you and you need to tell her why you are hurt because you deserve an apology

CleopatraTomato · 24/10/2019 16:18

If she was joking she clearly didn't mean it and thought that your relationship was one that could take that sort of comment. (I had loads of those from friends when I was pregnant but knew they loved me and that the teasing was a sign of how sure they were of me).

Sometimes of you are a bit emotional or if a comment is misjudged or a bit sharper than it should have been then adults usually clear that up at the time.

If you are not friends at all then all of this is irrelevant.

HelloYouTwo · 24/10/2019 16:19

What did B do when A made her shitty joke?

If A can dish out horrible statements dressed up as “jokes” she should be able to take it when you push back. But now she’s having a hard time you’re not allowed to pull her up on her nasty behaviour? I’d just keep your distance, not give her headspace and don’t reply to her texts beyond breezy non commital replies. Has she texted you to see how you are or is it all one way?

Cauliflowerpower · 24/10/2019 16:19

you haven't contacted her... but equally she hasn't contacted you either...

RuffleCrow · 24/10/2019 16:24

Just have a frank chat with her. Tell her how you feel. Listen to how she feels. The problem with 'ghosting' is if you do it even a handful of times it makes walking down the street really fucking awkward. The people you cut out don't actually become ghosts you know - they go on living and breathing and remembering you and having feelings and all that stuff. Easier just to keep on friendly terms unless they've done something truly heinous. You don't have to actually be friends though.

Original poster

NC2020 · 24/10/2019 16:25

Yes she hasn't contacted me at all either. We have a group watsapp for the 3 of us and it hasn't been used since either. So I think she knows but has decided not to address it.

Basically I was holding Bs 3 month old baby who was having a scream. A pulled him off me and said 'my niece was like this with you too you're shit with babies, your motherhood is doomed'
Hahahahaha so funny 🙄
I don't think I was sensitive. I can take a joke usually so I almost obsessively asked my other (closer) friends if I was being sensitive and my mum who will always tell me honestly (not always a good thing) and I've made peace with myself that I was not being over sensitive.

I just think if I cut out A that's probably B cut out too. Which is a shame.

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 24/10/2019 16:25

Honestly, what a bitchy thing to say to your friend when she is 7 months pregnant!

She's either had an empathy by-pass or she's jealous I think.

OP, I bet you'll be a fantastic mum!

BrightYellowDaffodil · 24/10/2019 16:29

She can dish it but can't take it and it wouldn't have been quickly resolved.

So let it remain unresolved - you pull her up on her shitty behaviour, she throws her toys out of the pram, you leave her to stew until she apologises (if indeed she does). Whether or not she apologises and the friendship resumes, she is fully aware of why she’s been pulled up.

sillysmiles · 24/10/2019 16:29

To be this is you being over sensitive.

Lochroy · 24/10/2019 16:32

Ok - now I know the details I can't believe someone with no track record of being a cow would say this and mean it seriously, so it does seem like you are being over sensitive. I also find it odd you said nothing, but still doesn't mean you have to get in touch if you don't want to. Do you still want the friendship?

Original poster

NC2020 · 24/10/2019 16:33

@sillysmiles really? You'd say to someone who is 7 months pregnant with their first baby that because they can't soothe an unfamiliar baby they're going to be a shit mum? Wow maybe I am a snowflake then.

OP posts:

HelloYouTwo · 24/10/2019 16:33

Ok so I don’t think what she said was that bad - but she might have been more sensitive to you. If she’s actually a properly good friend and not one of those who likes to make jokes constantly at your expense I think I’d make contact with her, next time you speak tell her that you found what she said a bit hard to take and can she go easier on you.

But if she’s the sort to put it all back on you in a big huffy “can’t you take a joke” way then I wouldn’t bother! Proper friends can explain their feelings to one another and be kind, apologise when they got it wrong and move on. Only you know which sort of friendship this is.

Zebraaa · 24/10/2019 16:34

I think you’re being over sensitive too. I would have just said fuck off and laughed.

Also, I think you’re being quite mean downplaying your friends relationship, like she hasn’t got a right to be overly upset about that, you have more of a right to be upset at the joke because you’re pregnant.

Original poster

NC2020 · 24/10/2019 16:35

@Lochroy you know when someone says something and it takes you aback a bit so you don't know how to respond? I think if I'd have said anything at the time I'd have cried so I just rolled my eyes.

OP posts:

Hazardd · 24/10/2019 16:37

Nah your a smidge over sensitive. You could have easily said "oooo friend don't say that I'm nervous enough as it is!" in response and that would have been that. Instead you've stewed.

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