To stop contact with a friend having a rough time

[NC2020]

A week or so ago I met up with 2 friends (lets call them A and B) I know from work. Neither of them now work where I do but we have stayed in touch.
A made a 'joke' at dinner that really upset me. At the time I just rolled my eyes but I cried all the way home, I am 7 months pregnant and the joke was relating to me likely to be a shit mum. I've talked at length to friends and my mum about this and I'm happy I'm not being overly sensitive. I'm not a sensitive person, I'm not upset easily and I haven't 'fallen out' with a friend in about 15 years.

So I made the decision to just reduce contact with A. No drama, no confronting just was going to back off a bit. She is very negative and draining as it is.

I haven't heard from her since we met up which is fine with me. Today B texts me and says she is worried about A being really down since starting her new job and breaking up with this guy (fairly casual thing, met up a few times) but I get that's still very upsetting. I know she has likely text me because A has told her I haven't been in touch.

I feel mean not contacting her if she is having a rough time. But I was feeling so done with her and now I don't know what to do? Basically am I being a bitch if I don't check in with her?

She’ll comment on how you give birth, choose to feed, care for your baby.

That's a bit of a reach mystic meg, based on one joke. 🤣

Op, no I can't say I was worried about being a shit mum either, unless there is a drip feed coming there is no reason for you to be worrying about this. We all do our best. And as long as our kids are loved and well cared for, then that's the base case. There is no mum of the year awards.

Your friend made a joke. I'm sure she's unaware you're feeling so sensitive, I'd say it's beyond the realms of normal sensitivity, but maybe you're just generally an over sensitive person, the fact your mother and other friends whose opinion you sought, think you are, and that's why they just agreed you weren't, because well, it's sometimes easier to do that than to tell someone they are very over sensitive and deal with the drama that would cause..

But I am not apologising to her for not contacting her, she hasn't contacted me either. That would be bizarre. As far as she is aware nothing has happened.

That’s clearly not true, OP.

We have a group watsapp for the 3 of us and it hasn't been used since either. So I think she knows but has decided not to address it.

You admitted yourself she’s aware.

Yes, also the fact the other friend had to point out to you she was struggling at the moment. I also think you know she's aware.

Its all feeling a bit drama-y. She made a bad joke, your sensitive about being a first time mum, the other friend texting about bad joke friend seems a bit gossipy with the "hard time". Don't text her if you don't want to.

The pain of being ghosted without explanation is awful. Whether a bitch or not, the person deserves the basic respect of an explanation. It is simply cowardly not to say anything. If they can't at least listen to what you say then, you win anyway, as you are right to slow down/stop contact.

But simply saying nothing for an 'easy life' sorry it's passive aggressive and completely disrespectful.

Get in touch and explain how you feel. Then you will feel better about not staying in touch

I don't think YABU. You're pregnant and have normal worries about it, and she said something that even as a joke is shitty. I don't think it really matters how long you know someone, or if it's out of character, it was objectively shitty. That old saying comes to mind: "when someone shows you who they really are, believe them."
Friend B sounds like she's trying to emotionally manipulate you into telling her why you're not talking to A, nothing more. Just tell B you're busy and haven't heard from A in a while.
As for people picking up on the fact you asked other friends/your DM, FFS you're 7 months pregnant, stuff will play on your mind more and getting it out of your system is best, that's what friends are for. Some people have all the empathy of a front door.

I’m going against the grain here and don’t think you were over sensitive . Friends don’t say things like that. I would also ditch that negative energy

I think she may be aware that I was upset. But I don't see why that means I should apologise to her? I haven't ignored her I just havent text her and she hasn't text me.
When I saw her she hadn't broken up with this guy and she wasn't loving her job but she certainly didn't say it was affecting her massively. She didnt enjoy the job we did together either and she wasn't ever particularly down about it to my knowledge.

Also I really haven't ghosted her. This keeps getting said but in the same logic she has ghosted me hasn't she?

She was a rude cow. I don't think you are being oversensitive in the slightest. Maybe she has a habit of being an utter rude bitch and been dumped for a very good reason. Tough! I would focus on yourself and unless she apologises, I'd not be in touch.

It was a flippant, shit, insensitive joke and so she must be jealous? I really doubt it, but if you need to make yourselves feel better, believe it.

I think you are both better off without each other TBH.

Perhaps you have been a little sensitive about her 'joke'. Maybe you could let it go this time but let her know next time you see her that you were a bit hurt by her words.

@GPatz I don't think she is jealous of me either. Yeah it was flippant, if I'd have upset someone even as a joke I'd apologise though.
I've accepted I was probably extra sensitive and I am hormonal due to being a hippo currently.
I'll suck it up and check in that she is ok.

Oh yeah, she should definitely have apologised if she saw she had upset you.

Why do people have to be so mean?

@NC2020 I am sorry you had to put up with this. I had a young friend of mine (32) who is having her first baby (in April,) and the first thing her aunt said (mother's sister) is 'can't wait to see YOU with a baby! You will never cope!' With a really sarcastic sneery look.

She made my friend cry for days! Nasty woman. Don't waste your life, and your time on people like this. And enjoy your lovely baby.

AND!

YOU WILL BE AN AMAZING MOTHER!!!

Anyone who says different, send them to me. I'll kick them up the bum for ya!

I don't think you're being over sensitive at all. That's just plain rude. I also don't get people who say they'd pull them up on it on the spot. Have they never been taken aback? No? Then probably just more rudeness you don't need.

Huh! I think that she was insensitive / thoughtless in saying what she did at this point in time. She hasn't told you about her situation, and you haven't told her that her words upset you. I'd leave it at that if that's what you were planning to do - it's not like she's on her own, and she knows where you are if she wants another 'take' on it. In the meantime, you have plenty to be getting on with.

Friend a was in the wrong on two points, firstly to pull friend bs baby off you and second to say what she said.

You don't need negative crap like that in your life especially when you are pregnant and in the future as a new mum.

I'd ditch her, but I'd tell her why and explain to friend b to try and maintain that friendship.

If she apologised then I might accept it. Nipping in the bud so she doesn't do it again.

I don't think you have to apologize to her by any means OP. I don't know why others are suggesting you to do that. You mustn't.

She was definitely mean and ignorant towards your feelings and current condition (being pregnant and all hormonal). You were wrong for not calling her out (even jokingly) on what she had said at that time but I can understand you wanted to avoid the confrontation.

Now coming to your BU and being a bitch, I don't think you're. She hasn't reached out to you, it clearly shows that she knows that what happened in your last meet, may have upset you so she's also avoiding to be the first one to text/talk. If you do text her first then she can always turn around and be like 'oh you texted me so I thought everything was fine and don't know why you're still moaning on a 'joke' I made ages ago' crap like that. If you really have made peace with it then do text her, hoping she's fine and all (over a fling) but yeah continue to distance yourself from her. Too much drama which you definitely don't want at this time in your life while being pregnant.

Good luck!

"She is very negative and draining as it is."
To me, this is the most pertinent thing. She's draining. Why submit to being drained?

All this happened just a week ago. You haven't been in touch with her for a whole seven days, but neither has she contacted you. She's told B that you haven't been in touch, did she also tell B that she hadn't contacted you? (I'd bet not.)

B's part in all this is interesting. Just seven days since she's witnessed the shitty non-joke and non-response, and she's right in there shit-stirring trying to guilt you to contact A because A's having such a hard time of it. Aww. B sounds as problematic as A.

You no longer work with either of them, presumably that's how you all met. You'd only known A a year. (Have you known B any longer?) If anyone owes anyone an apology, it isn't you. I'd just be stepping back from both of them for a bit. If they contact you, fine, but I wouldn't go out of my way to contact them.

Oh, and I don't think you were oversensitive at all. It's a shit thing to say to a heavily pregnant first time mother. And since she hasn't been in touch since, I'd guess she bloody well knows that.

You’re pregnant and hormonal. I don’t think what she said was awful but it fed into your anxiety unfortunately.

You can either ignore it and send something along the first and last sentence of the following or if you think it will make a point but at the same time make everyone feel better, including yourself you could go with a joke: “B told me you’re going through a shit time. Me too. My mate told me I’d make a shit mum and I’m hormonal and upset about it. 🤪 Hope you’re feeling better soon.”

I would either contact A clear the air and deal with the outcome😬
Or leave her to it and think your in a bad place because you make stupid comments possibly"
But really that comments abit much.. some woman act strange when threatened or you probably seem in a better space overall.
As parents we are easy targets so comments. Expectations and bs!

I think you were being over-sensitive (assuming it was said in a jokey way not a nasty pointed way). But equally don't feel you always have to deal with her negativity, she hasn't contacted you, so I'd say this is the perfect time to put a bit more distance between you, you're going to need your energy when your baby arrives. Let her contact you first, if she doesn't it's an easy out.

@AndAnotherNameChanger you know its really hard to tell in hindsight. I assume it was jokey, but I know it didn't feel it at the time. But feelings are not facts. I just don't feel we are that sort of friends, more work friends. I do have friends who I may have accepted this from and found funny because I know them better and we have that relationship. I'm sure it was probably a misjudgment by her.

I resent a little being made to feel like I should have contacted her but whatever. I'll make sure she is ok in a few days because it's not nice to feel down and feel alone. Then probably let some distance grow as I just am not interested in the drama of a 3 person, you havent texted A or B this week situation.

Thanks to the posters who have said they don't think I'm being sensitive. Who knows. I am a hormonal hippo so maybe but also I know I wouldn't say that to a pregnant woman.

I don’t think you were being over sensitive and as PP has said , this is the perfect opportunity to reset your boundaries and adjust the friendship/level of contact.

Maybe A is now someone you meet up with occasionally as a group, along with B, but now maybe you see more of B and your babies together without A.