To stop contact with a friend having a rough time

[NC2020]

A week or so ago I met up with 2 friends (lets call them A and B) I know from work. Neither of them now work where I do but we have stayed in touch.
A made a 'joke' at dinner that really upset me. At the time I just rolled my eyes but I cried all the way home, I am 7 months pregnant and the joke was relating to me likely to be a shit mum. I've talked at length to friends and my mum about this and I'm happy I'm not being overly sensitive. I'm not a sensitive person, I'm not upset easily and I haven't 'fallen out' with a friend in about 15 years.

So I made the decision to just reduce contact with A. No drama, no confronting just was going to back off a bit. She is very negative and draining as it is.

I haven't heard from her since we met up which is fine with me. Today B texts me and says she is worried about A being really down since starting her new job and breaking up with this guy (fairly casual thing, met up a few times) but I get that's still very upsetting. I know she has likely text me because A has told her I haven't been in touch.

I feel mean not contacting her if she is having a rough time. But I was feeling so done with her and now I don't know what to do? Basically am I being a bitch if I don't check in with her?

Lochroy, do tell your friend how hurt you've been by her remark. She will be mortified, I'm sure she was just being stupid and didn't realise how inappropriate it was for her to say it. Some people are like that, they open their mouths and anything can come out, but she may think twice about doing it again if you tackle this.

I say that because you've said she was an old friend from work with whom you've stayed in touch and meet up. That's a nice relationship. Give her a chance to repair it, please. If she doesn't....well at least you know she's not someone you want to be friends with and you'll be none the worse.

Even though I said I thought you were being over sensitive, I don’t think you have anything to apologise for! If you value you her friendship just text asking how she is. I wouldn’t even mention the joke. If you feel she is draining or was secretly being bitchy, now is the perfect time to distance yourself.

That’s the kind of thing that could have set me off at that stage of my first pregnancy, TBH. I can see it was in jokey way but it wasn’t in great taste.

As she’s also been silent, I’d probably use the group WhatsApp to smooth things between you two again, rather than a direct text.

Incidentally, I felt that just before giving birth I was at my most gauche in terms of interacting with babies 😆 I know your own baby will love you and I expect that once you have children, you will become much more confident in dealings with all others. As PP said it sounds like your fears were projecting onto the baby and then your friend unhappily chipped in with the knockout blow to your confidence.

Don’t worry x

Maybe I’m weird but it just seems like too much drama and social politics. You’re not a paid support worker, focus on you and your family and children.

I think you are being oversensitive but it would have been best to respond at the time. Now if you mention it you just create a drama. If she's draining anyway and you've only known her a year then I don't see it as a massive deal to reduce contact. Just don't text her.if she texts you then reply as you choose. That's not ghosting it's just reducing contact.

Don’t give it a second thought - phase her out. You don’t have to be anyone’s friend, for any reason, if it doesn’t work for you.

No one else’s bloody business.

Congrats on your pregnancy

Ps you’re not being over sensitive - she was inappropriately mean.

I don't think you are oversensitive OP. I think that was a nasty thing to say to you. I'd keep my distance. Yes, she may be having a shit time but it's probably best to concentrate on your baby and not worry about her too much.

You don’t have to have toxic people in your life. You’re well within your limits to say enough is enough. You don’t have to confront her. Look after yourself. I had a friend. Who I’ve known for 30 years. We were so close. However she’s an alcoholic and had an incredibly bad past.

As bad as I felt. I made it no contact. I couldn’t cope and for me. My health and mental well being has to sometimes come first. As does yours. Don’t feel bad that you haven’t spoken. You’re doing something very brave. It takes a lot to finally let go of the toxic people in your life.