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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact with a friend having a rough time

84 replies

NC2020 · 24/10/2019 15:59

A week or so ago I met up with 2 friends (lets call them A and B) I know from work. Neither of them now work where I do but we have stayed in touch.
A made a 'joke' at dinner that really upset me. At the time I just rolled my eyes but I cried all the way home, I am 7 months pregnant and the joke was relating to me likely to be a shit mum. I've talked at length to friends and my mum about this and I'm happy I'm not being overly sensitive. I'm not a sensitive person, I'm not upset easily and I haven't 'fallen out' with a friend in about 15 years.

So I made the decision to just reduce contact with A. No drama, no confronting just was going to back off a bit. She is very negative and draining as it is.

I haven't heard from her since we met up which is fine with me. Today B texts me and says she is worried about A being really down since starting her new job and breaking up with this guy (fairly casual thing, met up a few times) but I get that's still very upsetting. I know she has likely text me because A has told her I haven't been in touch.

I feel mean not contacting her if she is having a rough time. But I was feeling so done with her and now I don't know what to do? Basically am I being a bitch if I don't check in with her?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/10/2019 16:37

I think it was just a crass joke, but she's hit a nerve, as you're worried about motherhood. I doubt she really thinks what she said. More it was just a joke.

I can't see I'd end a friendship over this, as I'd take it as a joke. You don't and wish to, so, 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
NC2020 · 24/10/2019 16:37

@zebraaa I didn't mean to downplay it. I just wanted to make it clear it wasn't a LTR as I think that's a different situation.

I totally get why she is down about it. I know she really liked him. If I didn't care about it or think it was a big deal I wouldn't feel torn.

OP posts:
ChicCauldron · 24/10/2019 16:37

so I almost obsessively asked my other (closer) friends if I was being sensitive and my mum

Yes, this alone comes across as over-sensitive never mind your reaction to what was clearly a joke at the time, OP. It's not a case of someone being right in this situation.

heartsonacake · 24/10/2019 16:37

After the drip feed of the actual joke, YADBU and yes oversensitive and a snowflake.

It’s funny, but it sounds like you’re insecure about becoming a mum and passing that on and blaming her.

sophiestew · 24/10/2019 16:38

Basically I was holding Bs 3 month old baby who was having a scream. A pulled him off me and said 'my niece was like this with you too you're shit with babies, your motherhood is doomed'
Hahahahaha so funny

It sounds like you had a massive SOH failure. I would think it very funny if one of my close friends said this to me. I would know they were joking and would say something like "Fuck off, you'll be leaving yours on the bus..."

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2019 16:40

I'd also have laughed and said "fuck I know". The fact you wanted to cry is such an extreme eaction it begs the question what else is going on with you.

Did she hit a nerve?

VocalDuck · 24/10/2019 16:41

Basically I was holding Bs 3 month old baby who was having a scream. A pulled him off me and said 'my niece was like this with you too you're shit with babies, your motherhood is doomed’

At that age babies often suddenly realise that the person holding them is not their primary carer and that’s the only person they want. It has nothing whatsoever to do with how good you are with babies at all - you could be a brilliant mother of six and a three month old baby who doesn’t know you is unlikely to be consoled if he/she going through a separation anxiety phase.

I wouldn’t bother with A anymore but I also wouldn’t ghost her. If she messages, I would send a polite reply but not ask questions. I wouldn’t do anything to encourage another meeting though. If A has got B to message you because she is aware she hasn’t heard from you after that comment, then she knows she crossed the line.

Original poster
NC2020 · 24/10/2019 16:41

Perhaps I was oversensitve then. We aren't the closest of friends, I've known her for about a year.
My other friends haven't agreed but I am happy to accept maybe I was.
I think it's normal to be worried about being a first time mum @heartsonacake isn't it?

Perhaps i will just send her a text saying i hope she is ok and be done with it

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 24/10/2019 16:42

If you give in to guilt and get back in touch youbare signing up for more of this when your baby comes.

She’ll comment on how you give birth, choose to feed, care for your baby. She possibly won’t intend to upset you but she will. Or perhaps she’s jealous and won’t be able to help herself.

Just move on and see people who you enjoy being with.

1Wildheartsease · 24/10/2019 16:43

Is there a reason why A hasn't contacted you since that tactless comment?

Does A usually wait for you to get in touch? (Or have you been ignoring her?)

sonjadog · 24/10/2019 16:44

Sorry, I think you were being oversensitive. It isn't a great joke, but I wouldn't think it friendship-ending either.

Lllot5 · 24/10/2019 16:44

I think it was a joke I would’ve said you can talk you’d put a nappy on he’s head. Something like that.
But if you don’t want to text her then don’t. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
NC2020 · 24/10/2019 16:44

@vocalduck I didn't plan on ignoring her if she contacted me. But she hasn't.

I guess I consensus is I am being a bit over sensitive. And yes I am worried about being a shit mum, in my experience most people I talk to are worried about that?

OP posts:
diddl · 24/10/2019 16:44

If that is word for word what she said then I think it was bloody horrible.

She couldn't have been more pointed if she'd tried.

saraclara · 24/10/2019 16:45

Yep. A bit over-sensitive there. I very much doubt she meant it as anything other than a joke. But I know pregnancy hormones can mess with one's reactions.

I wouldn't ghost her over it, if she doesn't have previous form..

heartsonacake · 24/10/2019 16:46

Yes, of course it’s normal to worry about becoming a first time mum, but your reaction is so extreme it goes far, far beyond the realms of normal worry in this situation.

You are in the wrong here and you should apologise for trying to cut her out over nothing.

GrimalkinsCrone · 24/10/2019 16:47

Pregnancy is a time when people are often sensitive to things that previously they’d have shrugged off. I think she was thoughtless and said something stupid, and I’m sorry it bothered you. I don’t think you are a snowflake, especially as it’s your first.
Got a new job, broken up with a guy? Good job you’re not unkind, because there are lots of possible comments you could retaliate with.
Your baby will love you, and also won’t have a clue if you are doing things right or not!

Lllot5 · 24/10/2019 16:47

I wasn’t worried about being a shit mum at all.
I was very young tho maybe that’s why.
Just text her she how she is. One more chance if she says something again then that’s that. Good luck with the baby btw.

Babdoc · 24/10/2019 16:48

Does this “friend” have any children herself, OP?
I’m guessing not. And perhaps she is jealous and panicking that all her friends are busily sprogging, while she is left behind, and has just broken up with her boyfriend, so is unlikely to have a baby for years yet, even if she meets a new chap fairly soon.
It doesn’t excuse her bad behaviour, but it might explain it. She’s subconsciously trying to comfort herself with the thought that, even though you’re pregnant, you might not be a good mum. And bursting your joyful bubble by saying that to you and hurting you, gives her a warped satisfaction.
Alternatively, it may just have been a light hearted bit of banter, the sort of joke insult that friends exchange all the time, as part of their greeting and bonding.
It’s entirely up to you whether you wish to continue seeing this woman or not.
But it’s often the case that we drop friendships with childless people after we have a baby, as we have nothing in common, and they get bored listening to us bang on for hours about little Fred’s first tooth or his feeding routine!

magicautumnalhues · 24/10/2019 16:49

it was a really stupid joke to make to a pregnant woman - you should tell her you were upset, and accept her apology. I don't think you should lose 2 friends over it but I wouldn't let it go without saying something. A's circumstances might make it understandable that she's a bit off but they don't excuse her.

Original poster
NC2020 · 24/10/2019 16:49

@heartsonacake happy to accept I may have been over sensitive. But I am not apologising to her for not contacting her, she hasn't contacted me either. That would be bizarre. As far as she is aware nothing has happened.

OP posts:
GrimalkinsCrone · 24/10/2019 16:49

Oh and if A is usually negative and draining, then disengaging and focusing on your needs makes a lot of sense.

asprinklingofsugar · 24/10/2019 16:50

Regardless of how sensitive or not OP is being, surely that's not the kind of joke you'd make to a pregnant person anyway? I can see myself thinking of making that sort of joke with some of my friends, but I still would never say it if they were pregnant.

Just because it was intended as a joke, doesn't mean it's a kind thing to say - an unintentional dickish comment is still a dickish comment. And if the friend can dish it out but not take it, presumably that's not the type of comment people make towards her, for fear of upsetting her, so why would she feel it's okay to make comments like that to other people? If it was a relationship where insulting jokes are made regularly between both parties then that's different, but that doesn't sound the case here, as friend gets upset at those sorts of things.

And it sounds like friend A knows she shouldn't have said what she did, as she hasn't reached out to contact OP either. So she's probably aware on some level that OP didn't find the joke funny, and was possibly a bit upset by it.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 24/10/2019 16:56

I don't think YABU actually, I also don't think A's new job and BF trouble equals a particularly tough time! She could have made an effort with you but didn't. I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, maybe that makes me petty, I don't know.

MirandaGoshawk · 24/10/2019 16:58

I also would suggest that jealousy of your pregnancy may have played a part.

A lot depends on what type of person you are, about whether you can 'laugh it off' or not, or even how you're feeling that day. The imminent arrival of a baby is not the time to be making jokes like that, IMO.

But often things are said without any thought of how they will be received, and without any bad intention, so maybe she deserves the benefit of the doubt, which would presumably be something that you would feel more comfortable with rather than cutting her off completely. No idea what I would text her, though.