Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want to send one child on holiday?

84 replies

PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 14:31

I am a single mum to 4, ex is absent and doesn’t pay any maintenance and I’m at home as a carer as 2 of my children have disabilities.
(Just giving back ground as to why we’ve never been on holiday)

A family member has offered to take one away on holiday. But Aibu to not feel comfortable allowing one to have a holiday and the others miss out? I would be paying not the family member. They are just saying they are going on a holiday so if I want to pay for one to come they are happy to take them. Aibu to say no? It’s the thought of one getting a holiday and others not and probably not getting one until they are adults, and then deciding which one gets to go. Or am I being silly and if they all can’t go then I should let one atleast have the opportunity?

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 24/10/2019 14:33

YANBU that would be really mean and how would you choose who gets to go?

BillHadersNewWife · 24/10/2019 14:33

YANBU at all.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 24/10/2019 14:35

YANBU. I wouldn't want to show favouritism and have one child thinking another one is 'favourite'.

RushianDisney · 24/10/2019 14:35

I would refuse the offer in your situation. While I'm sure they are trying to do something lovely, it could create resentment.

BillHadersNewWife · 24/10/2019 14:35

There are several organisations which offer grants to families with disabled children....to enable them to go on holiday. My friend went to a farm with her son, daughter and husband and stayed in a cottage.

www.disability-grants.org/holiday-grants-disabled-children.html this website gives information on a variety of grants. Have a look OP...maybe there will be something?

averythinline · 24/10/2019 14:37

pursue your ex for maintenance -if you are in teh uk - it is not a choice thing...
have you also checked you are getting everything you are entitled to including DLA ...
family fund will help with holidays if you have a child with needs

magicstar1 · 24/10/2019 14:38

How old are the children? e.g. if one is 11, and the other three are under 4, then I'd think it was a great idea.

Branleuse · 24/10/2019 14:40

it totally depends.

If one is a teenager and the others all toddlers then YABU.
I would maybe wonder if they would do the same for the other children in future years.

I dont always take all of my kids away at the same time

Drum2018 · 24/10/2019 14:40

No I wouldn't do it. I'd rather use the money you'd spend on one child to have a decent day trip for the 4 kids.

user1480880826 · 24/10/2019 14:41

Make their father pay child maintenance and then you can all go on holiday. Why isn’t he paying?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2019 14:43

Why do they only want to take one?

cactusthief · 24/10/2019 14:44

Depends on many factors.

I have 2 autistic DC who wouldn't want a trip abroad, my NT DC however hate things like that. I often take one or 2 of them away without the others. The only thing they care about when I return is what chocolates I got them.

From my point of view, being fair isn't about treating them the same.

Don't let one child go on holiday if it's something that all kids would want, would cope with and would feel left out from. But if your kids are very different with different needs, then one going away isn't so bad.

Mintjulia · 24/10/2019 14:45

Why don’t you ask the dcs? The dcs who stay behind get a larger amount of your attention which they might prefer.

It sounds like the offer was made to lighten your load a little. It needn’t necessarily be unfair.

ArnoldBee · 24/10/2019 14:45

It depends. If for example child's A life is severely impacted by the disabilities of children C and D I would consider it. However as others have said there are other options.

Runningsmooth · 24/10/2019 14:46

I would. I would explain the oldest was going as they were X years old and had never had a holiday and tell them all that the next big treat that was on offer was for the second oldest and so on. Your relative may take one next time they go. You could even let them all choose whether they would like to take turns with big treats or just not have any. We do similar with things we can't get for them all at the one time. They are happy with it and happy for each other when it is someone else's turn.

honeylulu · 24/10/2019 14:48

I think the fact you'd have to pay simplifies things massively. You can't afford to give them all a holiday so you can't just fund one.

If relative was covering it then you'd have more of a dilemma. This often happened when I was young. My sister's best friend was an only child so her parents would ask my sis to join them for company, all paid for. We often didn't have a family holiday for various reasons (mostly because my dad didn't like them!) so she often had a holiday and I didn't. It was just one of those things

GeorgiaGirl52 · 24/10/2019 14:52

If a relative offered, I would send one -- preferably the oldest. Other chances may come for the others, but why should one child miss out because he/she has siblings. There will be many things happening where only one child is invited.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 14:53

Make their father pay child maintenance and then you can all go on holiday. Why isn’t he paying?

My ex doesn’t work or claim benefits and hasn’t done in years hence no maintenance.

To answer a few questions, she’s only offering to take one as she isn’t Paying i would be, she’s saying if I want to pay for one to come along She is happy to take them. I know she would want to take the oldest who Is 8.

OP posts:

DartmoorChef · 24/10/2019 14:54

How much age difference between the next one, and will she take the other child next time.

chocatoo · 24/10/2019 14:54

Depends on their ages and the gap between them.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 14:56

They would all want to go except the youngest so asking them would be tough

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 24/10/2019 14:57

Well, maybe the others could all have a chance when they get to 8yo.... I think YABU if you think she could take 4 of somebody else's kids on holiday. Let her take the one DC. It seems mean to deprive that one of a holiday when she's never had one.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 24/10/2019 14:58

I don’t think she will be taking one at a time. Oldest is 8 then I have a 7 year old

OP posts:

chocatoo · 24/10/2019 14:58

I might consider it if the non-disabled child/children’s lives are very affected by their siblings disabilities.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 24/10/2019 14:58

My ex doesn’t work or claim benefits and hasn’t done in years hence no maintenance.

How does he support himself?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread